New Years Eve

When it comes to new years I prefer to stay home. I'm not at the point yet where I'm interested in the partying scene so I have no reason to go out. New years kinda goes the same way every year so I try not to think of staying home as a bad thing.

Back when I was younger I was obsessed with the idea of a new year kiss. I used to spend every new year dreaming about it even when I was sitting alone in my room. One year a family that is friends with my family came over and they had a son who is the same age as me. I thought that it was finally the year for my new year kiss even though I was thirteen and could barely even talk to the guy. Our families played a few games together and then, to my disappointment, they left way before midnight. To this day I've never had a new years kiss but after having some experience kissing I kind of realized that silly kiss scenarios like that don't matter. Not having a new years kiss isn't something to be sad about.

So this year I'm happily sitting at home alone. I really think people overvalue the partying side of new years and don't think enough about the ending of the year. I like to spend new years thinking about the year that has passed and what I have done. I think deeply about my experiences and the passage of time so that I can make the new year better than the year that has passed. Maybe I like to think too much but I think it's important to take a little time out to appreciate the new year. There are so many chances and experiences that have happened and so much more yet to come. It makes me happy especially after having a bad year to get a whole new year to try again. Even though they are silly, I enjoy new years resolutions because I'm always looking for ways to improve myself and my life.

Overall I'd like to wish you a happy new year! Depending on where in the world you are it may already be the new year but where I live it's one of last time zones to hit the new year so I'm still waiting. Have an incredible new year that I hoped is filled with all the love and joy you deserve :)

Personal Questions

To me, there is nothing more stressful than questions about my interests. It seems like a normal thing to talk about what you like but I try to avoid it at all costs. I kinda know why I do it but it's a pretty cowardly reason. When someone asks me a question like, "What kind of music do you like?" or, "What do you do in your spare time?" or, "What are your interests?" I'm dumbstruck. It's not that I don't know the answers to these questions, as a person I know what I enjoy and what I don't enjoy but I just hate telling people. Generally, I have to be really close with someone or feel that we have a great connection for me to be comfortable talking about myself. The reason for this is that I'm constantly afraid of being made fun of or judged by the things I like. I don't care if someone makes fun of me or judges me based on what they observe of me but it's a lot harder not to care if you tell someone something personal and they made fun of you for it. I want to tell people about myself and have them get to know me but I guess I'm still scared of getting too close or personal with anyone.
 

What Happened To My Day?

Yesterday I made a mental checklist of things I had to do today. It contained three things: Christmas shopping, baking cookies, and cleaning my room. I honestly thought it would take only a couple of hours to do these things. Although I kept thinking about it so much that I couldn't sleep properly and woke up at 10:30 am (for morning people it's like waking up at 5:30 am).

The day started well. I was able to get my brother out of the house at the right time and it seemed like shopping would be a breeze. After three hours of shopping, we finally got home. Once home it was dinner time then it was time to bake the cookies. Yeah...Christmas cookies take a lot longer than they seem to. That wasted a couple more hours. I never did get around to cleaning but I did put one load of laundry on so that's um something.

Now here I am at the end of my day. A couple of minutes ago I checked the time to see it was midnight. I thought I made some kind of mistake because it only felt like the early evening but it actually is midnight.

Despite doing quite a bit, I'm really confused by how fast my day went. Maybe I'm just tired but my brain is all weird and I really don't feel like the day happened at all. It did happen but it went by so quickly it feels like it never happened if that makes any sense. Since Christmass is coming up soon my next few days are going to be a lot like this one but that's okay.

Seriously Why Am I Scared?

A couple of weeks ago I got invited to a Christmas party and tonight is finally the night of the event. Although I know it's just going to be a fun gathering with my friends, I can't help but feel nervous. I'm kinda having that feeling where even though I want to go I'm also scared to go. It's something I experience often and I've learnt that if I just push past that feeling I'll be fine. If I don't go I know I would feel bad and regret it later so I'm trying to assure myself everything is fine and that I'll have a good time.

We are also doing a secret santa thing that makes me really nervous. I've already bought the present and thankfully I'm close with the person I bought it for so I don't have to worry too much about her not liking it. The part I'm nervous about is that I don't know what type of secret santa it is. Is it just you get a secret present and later you're told who bought it for you or do you have to guess who bought it for you? I really hope I don't have to guess because that makes me really nervous because I'm horrible at guessing.

I know this is all irrational worrying and that everything will be fine but I'm just nervous right now. I'm sure I'll come home tonight and be super glad that I went. So for now I'll end this with a merry christmas/other winter holiday in case I don't make another post before christmas.

Don't Be Afraid To Show People You Care

I remember a time when I used to wait to send a reply to a text message based on how long it took them to reply to me. If they took five minutes to reply, I would take six. Later I began to question why I did that. Why I was wasting my time tip-toeing around people? I was afraid to show people I cared. I wanted to come off as a busy person but instead, all I was doing was wasting time. Why should I be afraid to be eager and show people that I want to talk to them? Why did I think it was wrong for me to care about people?

For a long time, I've always been afraid that people don't like me. I used to be so scared that no one liked me that I didn't want to show anyone I liked that I liked about them in fear of being embarrassed if they didn't like me. However, I just don't care anymore. I don't care about hiding my affection for people. I will text people within two seconds of getting their text even if it took them twenty minutes to reply. None of those stupid things bug me anymore because they never should have bugged me in the first place. It doesn't matter how long it takes someone to reply as long as they reply. Even if you text someone and they don't reply at least you showed an interest in them and showed them you cared instead of just waiting around for them to text you. You should never be afraid to show someone that you care because everyone wants to feel like people care about them.

Late Night Thoughts

Currently, I'm in the process of reading a book for English which I'm really enjoying. Part of it takes place in Japan and shows not only the good parts of living in Japan but also the bad parts. This made me think about how no one really goes to a place to experience the bad and even being a person who enjoys culture, I would still only want to see the good of the places I will visit.

From here I began to think about my trip to Ontario/Quebec and how I enjoyed Montreal a lot because of how different it was. The buildings were unique and the split between old and new Montreal's architecture was fascinating. I remembered being sad that people spoke both English and French so well because I wanted to challenge my French abilities but never got the chance. 

I then thought of Toronto and how fascinated I was by the thought of taking a train everywhere. I imaged myself as a student in Toronto taking a crowded train to school. The train would stop suddenly and I would almost fall into the cute student reading a textbook less than an inch away from me. Part of me would sort of hope that I did fall so I would have an excuse to talk to him and have a TV show like romance with the boy I met on the train. Then in the future, I would be a hardworking business woman on the way to my job in which I would kick ass and change the world. But in actuality, I'm just a high school student in a small town.

I began to think of my own life and the future I wish to come true in a year. How I want to take the bus every day to my university classes, sit around in their beautiful library, and try to work up the courage to talk to the incredibly cute guy in my program. I don't know why I like the idea of public transport so much lately. I've never even been on a bus by myself before. I guess to me it's a lot more interesting than driving a car. I know a car is faster but you miss out on all the weird and wonderful people you could see on the bus. I think public transport is more interesting and meaningful than a boring, lonely car drive. Not many people would agree with me though, it's all about convenience, not experience. For the past six years, I've just been getting through my days. I want to start enjoying them. I know I put too much hope on university but it's my dream right now so I'd like to enjoy it to my fullest. By enjoy it, I don't mean go to University parties, get drunk at clubs, or hook up with every cute boy I see. I've never been interested in that type of enjoyment. Although I enjoy dancing, I'm not a party girl and I'm way too monogamous for hook ups. I just want to observe people and live in my little university town, enjoying whatever turns life gives me. 

Well I should get back to my book, my reading section is due tomorrow and it's already 1:41 am. 

Getting My Health On Track

I've always been quite a healthy person despite my somewhat poor nutrition. Generally, I don't get sick very often and I'm able to endure things that most people's bodies can't handle. Most days I don't eat until noon, sometimes 3 pm depending on if I have lunch that day or not. I go to sleep late every night. However, these bad habits never used to affect my health until recently.

I blame it on growing older but my body just can't handle what it used to handle. My stamina is at an all time low from not exercising. I get out of breath from a couple of flights of stairs. I can no longer handle not eating, I have to eat breakfast and lunch or else I feel faint and sick. I just want to point out I never skipped meals for dieting reasons but it's just that I'm always running late in the morning or have club activities at lunch so I skip meals to save time. I think it's a good thing my body can't handle it anymore because it's a very unhealthy thing to do. Overall I eat a lot of snack foods and my health is deteriorating because of my poor nutrition.

I've started to do some research on healthy foods and how to make my diet more healthy and nutritious. I always blame school on me not being able to get myself on track but I don't want to do that this time. Homework or not, it's important that I get my health under control before something bad happens. I think a lot of young people have the same kind of idea as me that if you're young you don't really need to worry about your health but I think it's a naive way of thinking. You can get away with more when you are younger but you aren't immune to health issues, if you have bad health it's going to affect you. To me, my health is important and I'm going to treat exercising and healthy eating as a priority because they are priorities. I hope this time I can actually stick to my word instead of falling back into bad habits.

My Little Experiment

I take a creative writing class at school so I write a lot of stories however I've never once handed in a true story. I decided to change that and do a little bit of an experiment. A while ago I wrote a story doing an overview of my first relationship from the beginning to end in a story format. I was a bit curious if anyone would catch on that it was a true story but in order for me to get real results I couldn't give it to anyone who knows it's true. I let a good friend at school and my creative writing teacher read it, neither one of them knew it was a true story.

In writing, you generally can't tell truth from fiction (if you have good enough writing skills) but I made a few mistakes that could have given it away. I referenced events that I never explained in the story a couple of times, one of the big reveals of the downfall of the relationship was something I never even explained and didn't make much sense. I have since gone on to edit it and it makes more sense now.

I got really good feedback from my teacher about it the story. She said, "It really captures adolescent love with an admirable and brave honest and cander, well done." This kind of caught me off guard because the way she was talking about hoe honest and straightforward it was made me worry that she had realized it was real but then I realized she had no way of knowing if it was true or not. The comment that really punched me in the gut was when she commented, "What a nice guy she's chucking away." This is something I've struggled with a lot, feeling like I gave up on a perfect person and when I read that comment it hit me hard.

Overall I don't regret handing in the story. It was quite interesting to see that it really is impossible to differentiate truth from fiction. I know if I had given it to my best friend she would have figured it out right away. There is one thing I'm a little curious about, what would happen if my ex-boyfriend read the story? I'm pretty sure he would catch on but there's a little piece of me that wonders if maybe he too would think it was just a story. I don't think that experiment will ever be done though. I've learned to keep what's in the past, in the past. Of course, there's nothing wrong with using it in stories but I can't dwell on it anymore, I wrote it all out, now I'm done.