The Neverending Battle With Anxiety

Most of the time I like to think I'm doing great handling my anxiety. I have never been to a doctor or spoken to a therapist but I've discovered what my triggers are and have undergone my own exposure therapy to help it go away. But then I come home after a trip to visit my boyfriend's family and start crying when he tells me his family thought I was distant.

I like to think I'm doing well but I'm not. I want to go to therapy and have someone to talk to but I can't afford $100 a session and insurance doesn't cover it. Sometimes I get close to opening up to my boyfriend about how anxiety affects me but I don't want to rely on him for my emotional needs so I explain it as my personal issues and leave it at that. Having him talk to me about his family feeling unable to talk to me and thinking I was unhappy and uncomfortable during the trip hurt me. Not because of what he said but the fact that these kinds of issues just won't go away. I don't think I've made a new friend since I was 16 and I'm 22 now. I just seem to have this inability to connect with new people and I just can't converse like a normal human. I wanted so badly for his parents to like me because I didn't make the best impression the first time. I felt great coming home from the trip, I felt like I fit in with the family more but when my boyfriend talked to me it felt like I was delusional the whole time. How I felt and how others felt was so different, it crushed me.

I don't know how to talk to people. I thought it was just starting conversations I had trouble with but maybe I have trouble keeping them going too. I wish I could be the perfect daughter-in law, helping out around the house, telling funny stories, bonding over shared hobbies but I guess I'm just the girl his family secretly hopes he breaks up with.

My boyfriend and I have had a special bond from the first day we met. Usually I'm super quiet on first dates so much so that my ex-boyfriend used to tell me it was my turn to talk and would not say a word to me until I started a conversation, that didn't work very well... With my current boyfriend it was a little awkward at the beginning but as we started to walk around and talk more, everything came so easily. When I talk to him it feels like I can say whatever I want without judgement. I don't need to second guess everything I want to say because he has always understood what I was saying and was receptive to my thoughts. That first day with him showed me everything I needed to know and from that moment on I knew I never wanted anyone else. Unfortunately this was one of the only times I've bonded with someone right away.

In school I would spend the first half of the year trying to form friendships and only got a couple of months to enjoy my friends before the summer came and went and I was yet again placed in a new class where I had no friends. You'd think with how often I was forced to make new friends that I wouldn't have a problem with social anxiety but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. In my school years I had big falling outs with my best friends that made me distrust friendship. I desperately wanted friends but I wanted friends that would be there for me forever not ones that would leave me because I wasn't good enough for them. To me it was all or nothing and since I couldn't have all I choose nothing. I'd hoped it would be something I'd grow out of as I got older but it didn't happen. In my first year of university I tried really hard to be friendly but yet again people were only my friends for class and when class ended they were gone. So I stopped trying and hoped that if I was meant to have friends it would just happen at some point. But here I am going into my last year of university and I'm still friendless.

At this point I really want to start improving myself and learning how to properly cope with my anxiety. However, without access to a therapist I worry that I'm stuck this way forever. At this point I don't even know who I am without the anxiety. I'm used to being a mess of a person. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be normal.

My Anxiety Makes Me Feel Crazy

Ever since I've started University I've felt like I've had my anxiety under control. I've realized lately that my anxiety isn't gone, it's just showing itself in ways I've never experienced before.

In the past, I've experienced anxiety in new situations whether that be unfamiliar places or unfamiliar people. The symptoms I experienced were uncontrollable shaking, heart racing, inability to think, and general uneasiness. Now I experience anxiety when there's a break in my routine or something I expect to happen doesn't. The symptoms I get now are heart racing, worrying, and crying. I hate how my anxiety makes me feel because it happens most often in situations involving my boyfriend and I don't want to be that overdramatic girlfriend who cries to get what she wants, even if I know that's not why I'm doing it. It wasn't until an anxiety attack I had quite recently after a miscommunication, where I heard my boyfriend saying he was coming over on a certain day and then on that day he didn't come over, that I realized I wasn't being an awful person it was just my anxiety acting up.

I think the realization that I'm not being crazy or unreasonable and that it's my anxiety that is causing me to react strongly helps me to calm down when I'm in those situations. When it happened and I thought I was just crazy, the attack would go on for hours until I either cried myself to sleep or distracted myself with something else. Now that I can think a bit more rationally about what is causing my reactions I can calm myself down a lot faster. I think taking the blame, guilt, shame, etc away from my anxiety attacks has made a big difference in how I can handle them. I'm currently still trying to find new coping techniques but for now, I've learned not to give myself such a hard time when I experience an anxiety attack.

How is it possible to miss someone who is so close?

When my boyfriend and I were long distance I can honestly say I didn't miss him too much. The first four months were easy because we were still getting to know each other and the connection was building up so I didn't really miss him. He came to visit after that and once he left I missed him a ton for like a month. However, once I got used to him not being there the next three months were fairly easy, I missed him but it was manageable. The last month of our long distance relationship I missed him like crazy because I knew he was coming soon and I just wanted time to move faster.

Now we've been in a normal relationship for about six months and I feel like I miss him more now than I did when we were long distance. I get to see him about three times a week which is realistically the perfect amount of time together but in my heart, I always want more. If I could live unrealistically I would move in with him so I get to see him every day and always wake up beside him. I know that living together doesn't make sense right now as our relationship is still fairly new (just over a year) and we can't do it financially. He's so close now that I could see him every day if I wanted to yet going even a sad without seeing him makes me miss him. I feel crazy for being sad when he goes home because I know I'll see him again in a couple of days anyway. I never knew I could miss someone so much who is so close.

Every day before I see him I get so excited. I fall asleep that night happy, knowing I get to see him the next day. No matter how bad of a day I might have it's all worth it because at the end of the day I get to see him again. This happens even if I saw him the previous day meaning that I miss him even if it's only been about 36 hours since I last saw him. I've always been a person who likes my space and personal time so it's weird to me that I want to be around another person this much. I'm really thankful that I got to meet someone who makes me feel this way because it's times like these when I realize just how much I love him.

I'm In A Serious Relationship

A couple of months ago I wrote a post called "I want to be committed but not serious" in which I expressed my ideas on commitment vs seriousness in a relationship. I claimed I wanted to be committed but not serious because I was twenty years old and too young to be serious.

I did not want to make plans far in the future, spend my weekends gardening, think seriously about marriage, spend evenings thinking of baby names, etc. However, somehow I've gotten into a serious relationship without even realizing it. I'm now planning trips with my boyfriend months ahead, I'm growing a garden with him at my house, and I'm sure I want to marry him one day. We haven't talked about baby names but we have talked about how we want to be great parents one day.

When I wrote the post I know it came from being afraid. I loved him but I didn't know if we had a future together yet since he hadn't moved to my city yet. Things were still new and scary, the last thing I wanted was to be hurt so I tried to protect myself by claiming I didn't want to be "serious". After spending just a couple of months with him, my feelings have changed a lot. Now we have celebrated our one year anniversary together and I'm going to meet his parents in the winter, I'm not scared of whether or not we have a future. For right now I love him and I can't imagine a point in my life when I won't. I want to be a "boring" couple with him and do serious couple things because I am serious about him.

Moving Fast

Right now I'm nearing the end of my summer vacation and preparing to restart my normal life. For the past couple of months I've been doing practically nothing while spending the majority of my time with my boyfriend. By this time next month, I'll be starting school again and drastically changing my everyday life.

Currently, I spend about half the week with my boyfriend and honestly that isn't enough. I've become greedy since he moved here a couple of months ago. I know it's impossible since we both have lives (well I'll have one soon) but I want to spend all my time with him. Lately, I've been thinking about how much I'd like to move into an apartment with him but that's crazy since I'm a twenty-year-old university student. Since meeting him I've decided on the mentality that I don't want to rush through life but instead walk slowly through each milestone however my thoughts lately don't match that. I keep thinking too far into the future imagining things like moving in together, getting a dog, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, etc. At this point, I'm just wondering if this is normal when you find someone you love or if there's something wrong with me. Obviously, I'm not ready for any of the things I imagine but I'm overjoyed when imagining them. Am I moving too fast or am I just in love?

One Handed Struggles

I recently went over to my boyfriend's place for a little date night. We planned to have a chill evening cooking together and watching movies. Things started off really well. We went down to the store to buy some food for dinner then made a strawberry daiquiri each (with very little alcohol in it) before cooking. After making dinner we sat down and watched some tv together. It was when we were doing dishes that thing took a bad turn. He was washing and I was drying. After a couple of dishes, I noticed the blade from the blender and thought to myself that I needed to be careful. I dried it carefully or so I thought until I felt the blade slice my thumb. I dropped it and turned to my boyfriend uttering a pathetic, "Help me." I knew blood was gushing out of my finger and I was trying to stay calm while internally worrying it was a deep cut and that I needed to go to the hospital. After a bit of a panic to find the first aid bag while I held onto my finger so tight my opposite hand went numb, he was able to clean me up and cover the wound.

Now I have a cut right below the top joint of my right thumb. It's not a deep cut thankfully but significant enough that clots formed to seal it up. Since the placement is bad I can't move my thumb which means I can't grip anything with my right hand which makes it basically useless. Being one handed is really annoying, more so since I can only use my nondominant hand. There is a bunch of stuff I can't do now like putting in contacts, putting on makeup, anything to do with my hair, cooking anything that needs prep, and most embarrassing of all, putting on my bra. I've been skipping most of those things but the bra thing is kinda necessary so I need to employ help to do it up. Overall I just feel extremely pathetic.

Can't Make Up My Mind

I have this issue right now that is kinda annoying me. When my boyfriend is with me and hanging out at my house I want space but when he is gone I miss him like crazy. I feel like I can't make up my mind on whether or not I want to spend time with him.

I don't know if it's because we just ended our long distance relationship but whenever he goes home I feel extremely clingy. I want to send him tons of messages and pictures and videos. I know I can but I also know he has stuff to do so I try not to express my clinginess. Weirdly enough when I am actually with him I don't act clingy at all, in fact, I probably act distant. I really don't know what's wrong with me.

I really have no solution to this problem. I just kinda needed somewhere to express my feelings so this post is kind of a dead end.

I Want to be Committed but not Serious

When I was young I used to get caught up in the idea of a fairy tale romance, where you meet your soul mate and live happily ever after together. When I discovered that fairy tale romances don't exist in life, I showed my first signs of being a commitment-phobe.

Not to have a big head, but I tend to find great guys to date. No one is without their flaws but I tend to go for the type of guys who are nice, smart, and will never hurt you. Also known as "safe" guys. The only problem with safe guys is that they require a lot of attention and commitment, that doesn't work so well for me. Anytime a relationship has gotten too serious I usually freak out and search for a reason to break up.

To me, there is a difference between a committed relationship and a serious relationship. A committed relationship is simply when two people decide to only be with each other and not see anyone else. I cannot be in a relationship that is not committed. However, a serious relationship is one that is going somewhere. In a serious relationship, you are merely in the first stage on track to forever. You make plans far into the future, you settle down, spend your weekends gardening, you seriously think about getting married, you spend evenings discussing baby names, etc. I'm not sure if it's the commitment-phobe in me or the fact that I'm twenty years old but I don't want a serious relationship right now.

I love my boyfriend, but I'm worried we are getting into serious territory. Although our age difference is small, we are at different stages in life. He likes to talk about future plans, trips we'll go on, spending forever together, and it scares me. This is the problem because I want all of those serious commitment things but just not anytime soon. I want to think of our relationship without a timeline, no future plans, no promises. Just whatever happens happens. In short, I just want to have fun and live life freely. I don't know how to communicate my feelings though because I feel like whenever I try to explain it, it sounds like I don't want a relationship at all. I want the commitment, I don't like worrying what I mean to someone, but I don't want to feel like I'm chained down.

What I Used to Think Relationships Were

Before I fell in love I had an awful view of what relationships were like. In the beginning, things would be lovely. You and your partner would just connect. You'd be able to talk for hours. You would laugh all the time. Just being around them would make you happy. Over time things would start to become repetitive and boring. The things that were once funny aren't and suddenly the person who used to understand you doesn't. Nothing would have provoked this change, just time itself. Of course, fights would start happening and soon enough you'd break up.

I've been dating my boyfriend for eight months now, obviously not that long in the scope of life but pretty long for me (longest past relationship= two months). We still laugh until our faces hurt like we did in our first month of dating. We carry on completely random conversations that come out of nowhere, never running out of things to talk about. It's been eight months and I still like him just as much as when I first met him. We still don't fight and we still get along scarily well.

I've told my boyfriend what I thought relationships were and sometimes he'll bring it up and say things like, "It's been eight months, is our relationship boring yet?" and I'd, of course, say no. I can't even imagine a point in time where being with him will be boring or a time when he won't be able to make me laugh. Every day I'm with him I just fall in love all over again. I know that a lot of the time people grow apart in relationships or that small annoyances turn into big issues but I also know that sometimes people are happy together for long periods of time. I have yet to experience if a lasting love is real but at least now I feel like it's possible and that's a big step from thinking every relationship is doomed.

Baby Obsessed

For my entire life, there has only been one thing I've always been absolutely sure I wanted to do, have kids. It's never been a societal pressure thing or an expectation, I just really want to be a mom someday. It's great that some women don't want to have kids and want to focus on having a career or traveling but that's never been me. I mean if it were possible I'd love to be a housewife. I don't ever admit that I'd like being a housewife because I feel like people would look down on me for it. Like they would think I have no goals or aspirations and just want to live off my husband. I just really enjoy doing hobbies and cooking and organizing things so I feel like I'd be a good housewife. In reality, I'd probably just be a housewife while my kids are young and once they start school I'd either go back to work or, in an ideal world, work from home. Basically, I'm just a homebody. 

Anyway getting back to the original topic of wanting kids, I've been baby obsessed for as long as I can remember. I always loved babysitting because kids are so cute. I also want to find a part-time job at some point where I can be a camp leader or a daycare worker or something involving kids because I love them so much. The bad thing about being baby crazy is having to be realistic. I mean I really want to have a baby but I'm smart enough to know that doing that while I'm 20 and still in university is a terrible idea. I was just as baby crazy as I am now when I was 16 and again I had to remind myself that I was much too young because the thing about having a baby is that I want to do it right. I want to be in a loving marriage, with a place of my own, a career I enjoy, and savings to provide for the baby. I want to give my kids the absolute best life possible which is what I remind myself everytime I think, "It would be really fun to have a baby right now." 

Summer Thoughts

As it gets closer and closer to summer, I'm becoming a bit delusional. I think I'm putting a bit too much pressure on summer and I have way too many plans. I keep thinking about all the things I want to try, like writing a good novel, starting a good youtube channel, drawing good pictures, etc. The good may seem unnecessary but I've done all those things before and this time I want to create things I'm actually proud of. While I'm in the creative mood it would probably be a good idea to fix up this blog as it's become a bit of a mess (well it's always been a mess but that's beside the point) and I'd like it to also be something I'm proud of. I'm thinking maybe plan out my posts instead of just randomly typing and posting my thoughts. I also want to spend a lot of time relaxing and doing cliche summer things such as going to the beach, going to the lake, wearing bikinis all the time, eating popsicles, and doing on weekend trips.

Most of all, my strangest thought has to do with my boyfriend. He'll be moving here in two months and I'm really excited about it but my brain is a bit confused. For some reason, my thoughts seem to imply that I need to make this summer the best one possible because I won't see him again after that. My boyfriend is moving here for good so I'm not sure why I can't wrap my head around the fact that he won't be leaving after a couple of months. I guess I haven't really come to terms with the fact that we will actually be able to have a normal relationship because the whole time I've known he we have been long distance. I'm sure the adjustment will go well but it's oddly scary to transition from a long distance couple to a "regular" couple.

What It's Like to be in a Long Distance Relationship

It's terrible because I love you so much that I feel like my heart is going to burst. I just want to scream it to the sky but I know even then you are too far away to hear it. I go to sleep lonely every night wishing you had your arms wrapped around my waist and your body pressed against mine. I spend my days thinking about all the incredible adventures we have ahead of us but in my free moments I count and recount the days until you get here. I want to kiss you all the time but we spend so much time apart I can't even remember what your lips feel like. I just think back to our last visit and I'm consumed with thoughts of I should have kissed you more, I should have spent more time with you, I should have made it absolutely clear how crazy I was about you when I had the chance to. Now I try to communicate my feelings through skype sessions and silly emojis but there are some things words can't say. Words won't tell you what it's like on a lonely night when I'm wearing your sweater that I've avoided washing for two weeks because I want to hold on to the last trace of something that smells like you. I can't explain how much I crave you in every sense. How much I want to be near you, to touch you, and to talk to you without a computer screen separating us. I have to watch happy couples going on the dates I want to go on and do the things I want to do with you.

It sucks most of all because I know that it's not only me that feels this way, our pain is amplified because we both feel it. We are both miserable being apart. We are counting down the days, watching relationship milestones go past as we just pray that time will speed up and we'll be in each other's arms again. The only redeeming fact about our situation is that we have each other. The only reason we put ourselves through this torture is because of the intense love we feel for each other. The love that is so strong not even 4000km can get in the way. So yes long distance relationships are awful but in the end, I have you, so it's worth all the pain.

Learning a New Relationship Lesson

There are many lessons when it comes to being in a relationship that I have not yet learned. Recently, I've been having a mini freak out at the thought of my current boyfriend being my last boyfriend.

Obviously, I have no idea if he'll be the guy I end up with but so far it seems like it might end up that way. My boyfriend is incredible, he's literally everything I've ever wanted and more. We get along really well and have similar beliefs and opinions. So there have been thoughts that have crossed my mind along with, what if I have settled down already? What if I'm done with dating forever? I'll never be able to go out with any other guys. There are so many guys in the world, how will I deal with never being able to have a chance with them?

I already knew the answer to this problem before it even became a thing I thought about but I think I needed a reminder. I went out for my 20th birthday and since my boyfriend and I are long distance, he obviously couldn't come out with me. I went to a club and I literally did not care about any guy there. I kinda looked around and all I could think was "insert boyfriend's name here" is better. There were even guys that came up to me and my friend who were asking us to hang out with them or dance or whatever, and I just did not care. Going out just reminded me of how great I have it and how thankful I am to be with my boyfriend.

So if my boyfriend ends up being the last guy I ever date, I'll never have regrets about that. If he's the one I settle down with, great. If I'm done with dating forever, thank god. If I never get a chance with any other guys, that's probably for the best since none of them are better than my current boyfriend anyway. However, I know it's early both in my relationship and in my life so there's no guarantee I'll end up with my boyfriend but if I do, I will never be upset about my lack of experience with other people.

Having it all Together is Overrated

I am soon to turn 20 which sounds very adult. A lot of the time I worry that I'm too immature and I don't think seriously enough about my future.

I'm currently a university student studying biology. For the past two years, I assumed I would focus on the cell/molecular side of biology and end up doing lab work. In the last week, after telling my boyfriend about my life decisions that make no sense, I remembered that I dislike microbiology and that it's extremely similar to cell biology. So I've decided to change my focus to ecology and zoology.

The point of this is that I am nowhere near having my life together. I have no idea what I'll be doing in three years when I graduate university. I don't even know what I'll be doing in three months when I'm done with this semester. I decided not to work this summer or take classes because I've been going nonstop since I graduated high school and I'd like to take a break while it's still an option. Part of me wants to do some volunteer work like planting trees or getting rid of invasive plant species or taking care of animals, but another part of me just wants to lie around and go on dates with my boyfriend. I'm well aware that I can do both but I just haven't come to decision yet.

When I look at other people my age I'm kinda in awe because they seem so adult and I seem like a little kid. I wonder how they look so together and polished when I can't even be bothered to put in contacts.

I think it's great that they are doing their best and trying their hardest to live the best life possible but you shouldn't feel bad about yourself if you don't have your life together. The great thing about being in your 20s is that you aren't supposed to have it all figured out. It's the time in your life when you can be selfish and make mistakes. Yes having it all together is ideal but I think it's overrated. Making mistakes, doing stupid things, and messing up will teach you way more about who you are and want you want in life than being perfect ever will.

I Only Date Dog People

I was thinking about what my current boyfriend and past boyfriends have in common and I noticed one thing, they all have dogs. I only just realized this recently and honestly it's a bit strange. Not long before dating my second boyfriend I sort of dated this guy who just wasn't suited to me as a boyfriend. This guy I sort of dated was a cat person. I'm not saying I have some weird thing where I'm only attracted to dog people but that's been the pattern so far.

I mean it sort of makes sense that I would want to share that common interest with a boyfriend since I love dogs so much. I'm also allergic to cats which means it would be tough to have a long term relationship with someone who had a cat because I would never want to go over to his place. Plus in the future when I move out I will definitely be getting a dog at some point. I mean I currently have a dog but she's in love with my mom so I would never take her when I move out. If I was in a relationship with someone and decided to move in with them, it would just work best if we both like dogs.

Who knows, maybe subconsciously I just pick out dog people without knowing it. I just thought it was strange that all of my boyfriends have had dogs.

What is First Love?

Throughout my life, I've always tried to define one word, love. It's so mysterious to me because love can be felt in so many different ways. When I looked up the definition one that came up was, love is a person or thing one loves. No wonder it confuses me because even love can't be defined without using the word love.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot and I've been wondering who my first love was. If first love is the first person you have strong feelings of affection for, it would be my 4th-grade crush. If first love is the first person who also feels those strong feelings for you, it would be my first boyfriend. If first love is the first person you know you are in love with, it would be my current boyfriend.

I suppose there is no real reason I need to figure out who my first love was. It's just that as I get older and gain more experience, I'm learning more and more about what love is. I feel like some people don't even have to question what love is but I always have.

After thinking about it for a while I settled on an answer that makes sense to me. My first love was my first boyfriend because even though I wasn't in love with him, I did love him. I can't count any of my crushes as love because I don't think unrequited love is the same as requited love. I also can't call my current boyfriend my first love even though he's the first guy I've been in love with because that would be completely ignoring the feelings I had for my first boyfriend and how hard it was more me to get over them. I know it may seem weird that I consider loving someone and being in love with someone as completely different things but, to me, they are. I think first love is kind of open to interpretation but that's how I see it.

My University Breakdown

Currently, I'm going through some issues... Actually, I've felt this way for a while now but since it is my second year I thought I should start dealing with my issues instead of ignoring them.

A lot of the time I worry that I'm in the wrong program. My grades kinda suck. Even when I think I know the material I don't do well on the tests. I understand that getting bad grades doesn't necessarily mean you are in the wrong program but it really hurts my self-esteem. I believe biology is something I enjoy and want to pursue but I lack the motivation because it seems no matter how much I study, I get the same results.

The other program I considered doing was writing. I enjoy writing a lot and I know I could get good grades in the program without much effort. However, I didn't think I would learn as much studying writing as I would studying biology so ultimately I decided against it.

Right now I am having a breakdown because I don't feel passionate about what I'm doing. It's hard to force myself to study and go to classes. I really want to be excited about learning biology but I just can't do it right now. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Sometimes I think that after I get my degree I won't even go into biology. I wonder if it's pointless for me to get this degree if I'm not sure I want to do anything with it right away. Unlike others in biology, I have no interest in getting a master's degree. The best biology jobs all require master's degrees but I just don't want to do any more school after my undergraduate is done. The idea for me was always to get my degree as soon as possible and then figure out what I want to do. I always thought that even if I didn't go into biology in the beginning if I got the degree I would always have the option of changing my mind without having to go back to school. As I get older, I'm not sure it's a smart idea to get a degree in something you want to 'come back to' instead of something you earnestly want to pursue.

To be totally honest, I really want to have a creative job. I adore biology and I find lab work really interesting but it's a bit soul-sucking (or at least my lectures are). I want to be able to express myself and do things my way. If nothing changes in me by the time I graduate, I think I will try to launch a writing career. I always viewed writing as something I would come back to after I got myself accomplished but now I'm thinking I want to try it out first while I'm young then try to fall back on biology if things don't work out. However, yet again I don't know if this is a smart idea.

Basically, I'm just in a rut right now. I can't decide if the decisions I've made are good decisions. I know I'm young and I have plenty of time but I still feel like I'm in a rush. I feel like I have to do things a certain way in order to be successful and if I go off of the trail I'll be lost forever.

Unconditional Love

I hope one day when I get married I love my spouse as much as I love my dog. Every time I see my dog I start to smile because she is so cute. I run over to her and give her a hug and kiss her little head. I call her ridiculous nicknames because she is so lovely I can't settle on one. Even when she makes me mad, I forgive her because I love her so much. And when I'm feeling upset she comes over to me and sits right next to me, comforting me with only her presence. I know it may seem silly but I think if I loved my spouse as unconditionally as I love my dog, we'll live a very happy life.

Am I Able to Fall in Love? Part 2

About a year ago I wrote a blog post about whether or not I thought I was capable of falling love. I ended the post by saying I was worried I'd never fall in love. That just shows how much your life can change in just one year.

To answer the question, yes I am able to fall in love. I know the answer now because I have fallen in love for the first time in my almost 20 years of life. I've heard before in life that love isn't something you can explain but you'll know it when you feel it. That saying never used to make sense to me. However, after falling in love for the first time, I truly understand what that quote means.

To be completely honest, within hours of meeting, I knew things were different with him. Around him, I feel safe and comfortable. Not to say that my heart doesn't race but that's not the important part of love. To me, I'd say love is being able to show someone your complete self without holding anything back. I have no way of explaining exactly how I know that I've fallen in love. Love really isn't something that can be explained or justified, you just feel it.

For now, I'm keeping these feelings to myself. To me, the moment you say you love someone for the first time is very important. I've never had that big moment when a guy tells me he loves me, it's always been kinda meaningless. That's why when I say I love you for the first time, I want it to be completely sincere. Even though I know that I'm in love with my boyfriend, I want to wait until we are in person to say it. I feel like if I said it through video chat it would take away the meaning of it.

In conclusion yes I am able to fall in love.

The first thing my boyfriend ever said to me reminds me a lot of this quote

Why Now?

You asked me once, "Why couldn't we have met earlier?"
But timing is an important part of a relationship.
It wasn't just that we went to different high schools or were in different grades. It didn't have anything to do with the fact that even in the same space we still wouldn't have crossed paths.
You came into my life now because I wasn't ready for you in the past.
Back then I wouldn't have appreciated you, I wouldn't have been able to treat you right, and I wouldn't have realized how special you are.
I was scared, afraid and broken.
I think that even someone as perfect for me as you, wouldn't have been able to last in my life.
We met now because now I can open my whole heart to someone.
I'm not afraid to say the truth.
I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong or that I'm doing things wrong.
I'm not afraid to let someone get to know the real me.
And I'm not afraid to be in love.
If you look back on your life, you might be able to see it too.
All the reasons you weren't ready to meet me.
People come into our lives at different times for different reasons.
I've always believed dating is just practice for when you meet the right person.
Even if I got my heart broken and it was painful at times, dating other people has prepared me for meeting you.
Without those experiences, I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't be a person who could accept you 100% into my life.
We met now because now we are prepared.