Dating: It Never Gets Easier

Back when I was a kid I always thought dating was simple. You like someone, they like you, you date. However, it's hardly ever that easy.

I'll admit I got into my first relationship really easily as we knew each other through our families. Moving from an ambiguous stage to a dating stage happened easily too. Even though everything lined up perfectly, dating was still hard. The first time was a learning experience filled with many, many mistakes.

For some reason, I thought that once you started dating it became really easy to find people to date. After my relationship ended I thought I would find someone new in a matter of months. Because I now had "experience" I thought guys would just start coming up to me and showing interest in me but that didn't happen. I was shocked to realize I was just as awkward as I was before I started dating.

Currently, I'm at an ambiguous stage with a potential second boyfriend and it's giving me a lot of flashbacks to my first relationship. I thought having experience would make things easier this time around but it just makes it harder. Although I should have the upper hand, I'm just as clueless as I was before. I still get so nervous I feel like throwing up, I still have no clue how to make conversation, and I'm still unable to make any sort of move.

I wish it got easier as time goes on but it doesn't. Every relationship is different just like every person is different. Every time you have to adapt to something new so it's hard to have everything go smoothly from the very beginning. No matter how many relationships you've had, your heart will still flutter like it's the first time.

(The picture of bell peppers doesn't have much relevance but it's cute)

False Sense of Confidence: Exams

I had my last day of classes a couple of days ago and today I had my first final which was for chemistry. Despite the fact that I had plenty of time to study, I maybe spent three hours studying over a seven day period. I had notecards prepared already and I circled all the questions I should do in my textbook but I couldn't make myself study. Some may say it's a simple case of procrastination, I say it's a false sense of confidence.

What I mean is I don't study because I feel like I already know the material. In reality, I do not know the material. Thus a false sense of confidence.

Despite this, I felt like I did pretty good on my exam. I was able to solve the majority of the questions with only minimal guessing. I got tired near the end of the exam and I hadn't eaten much that day so my condition wasn't very good. Strangely I don't regret not studying. Even if I had studied, I don't think I would have done much better.

I did feel sort of bad about my habits when I was waiting to go into the exam. People around me were talking about how much they had been studying and how they only got three hours of sleep each night because they were up late studying. Meanwhile, I got around seven hours of sleep every night and had way too much free time. I felt like I was a slacker but I've never been the type to hardcore study. Even when I'm most productive I do maybe five hours of studying a day and I never let it interfere with my sleep. I'm not sure whether my way or their way is best.

Either, way I need to shake this false sense of confidence before my other exams. I'll do good on my math one regardless but I have no clue what's going on in physics so let's hope I actually study for that one.

Lonely

For a significant amount of time now I've felt happiest being in my room. I gain most of my happiness from tv shows; my mom often comments on how much I giggle alone in my room. Music is another source of happiness. Whether it's tv shows, movies, youtubers, or celebrities, I'll admit I rely on different things in order to make me feel like I'm connected to people. Maybe this sounds sad and I guess it is, however, I don't feel sad in my room. I feel sad when I'm out in the world with no one to talk to and nothing to do. To tell you the truth, I'm lonely. I wish I had a social life but there's just no one for me to be with. People who I consider friends don't even contact me. I wish I could go back in time when making friends was easy and people always wanted to hang out. Now everyone's so busy. I don't know how to escape this loneliness.

Why I'm Not Celebrating My Birthday

My 19th birthday will be the first time I will not be celebrating my birthday. The only thing I'm doing is going out to lunch with my parents and older brother. Basically, it's the first year I won't be having a birthday party or meeting up with friends.

You may wonder why after eighteen consecutive years of birthday parties I suddenly decide to stop doing it? Well, to be honest, it's pointless. Throughout the years my birthday has gotten less and less fun. Last year I only went out to dinner with my friends because I felt like I had to do something. It was nice to hang out with them but it wasn't fun the way my birthday was when I was a kid.

Another reason why I'm not doing anything is because I'm unable to do the one thing I really want to do. I become of drinking age this year which means I'm finally allowed to go to clubs. The problem is I can't go to a club on my birthday. Why? I'm the oldest one out of all of my friends. So even though I'm old enough to go, I have no one to go with me. Clubbing is really the only thing I want to do when I turn nineteen so instead of doing something else while I'm constantly wishing I was out clubbing, I'd rather just do nothing.

Although nineteen is somewhat a milestone birthday, I really don't feel like celebrating. This doesn't mean I won't stop celebrating birthdays altogether but just that I don't want to celebrate this year.

I wonder what my love of the sky says about me as a person?
The way I stay inside all day,
yet dream of the sun and the moon.
How nothing makes me more happy than looking at the stars,
and no matter how bad I feel, the sunset always calms me.
My mood goes up and down according to the colour of the sky.
When it's bright, I'm bright.
When it's dark, I'm dark.
Rainbows are my magic,
and shooting stars are my wishes.
Even when everything is going wrong,
I remember that the sky isn't always perfect either.
It, like I, changes throughout time.
Sometimes it shows the sunshine for the majority of the day,
sometimes it doesn't let the sun out at all.
Clouds and rain rule the day,
yet the sun will always come back.
Whenever I'm upset, or confused, or lack understanding of the world,
I look up at the sky.
Even if I don't have all the answers or things aren't going right,
the sky is always there for me.
Looking up at its beauty,
it assures me inside that everything will be alright.

What I Learnt From my First University Semester

1. High school and University are completely different, try to adjust fast. If you are having trouble don't get too upset about it and just give yourself a break because it is a huge change.

2. Most syllabuses are online now since professors don't want to waste paper so don't worry about losing one if you are given a paper copy. Write down any dates that are on there but depending on the class the syllabus could be extremely helpful or just very basic, so try to add your own deadlines for homework or studying so that you don't fall behind.

3. The textbook requirements don't change much in the last couple of weeks before classes start. You can wait until you attend the first couple of classes or you can buy them early. It really doesn't matter. However, lines at the bookstore are insane for the first week so be prepared to deal with that if you do wait.

4. Take a variety of classes at a variety of times. People say early classes are horrible but it may be different for you so try to figure out what's best. Personally, I've found that I can't do labs in the mornings because I'm too tired but I can follow along in early morning lectures since they are less involved. I've also found that I can't do lectures in late afternoon since I get really tired by the end of the day so I can't stand sitting and listening to someone talk for an hour or more but I can do labs around that time since it gives me a chance to move around after a whole day of sitting.

5. Space out your classes. Although it sucks to be at school for a long time, if you are like me and have trouble focusing at home, it's good to have that time between classes to study. It also gives you time to eat or hang out with friends.

6. No one cares if you eat/walk/study alone. Don't feel like a loser if you've had trouble making friends. University is about your education first and foremost so don't worry if your social life isn't great. Generally, most people are too busy studying to have a social life so don't feel like your the weird one for staying home all the time to do work.

7. If you do go to parties and drink, know your limit. Don't drink a lot just because other people are. Go easy the first couple of times until you figure out what your tolerance is. Getting black out drunk all the time isn't a good thing to do, just drink until you feel kinda drunk and stop there. Drink an enjoyable amount, not so much that you regret drinking in the first place.

8. University is not about going to parties, dating, or having a great social life; those are just bonuses you may or may not experience. It's for education. If you just want to have fun, don't go.

9. Although university can be a lot of hard work, remember to schedule in time to do things you want to do. Go for drives late at night, hang out with your friends, sit around watching movies all Sunday, practice your hobbies, etc. If you only focus on studying you are going to crash and burn really quickly. Stress is crazy in university so de-stressing is extremely important.

In the end, going to university isn't for everyone, it requires excellent balancing skills. Everyones' experience is different so just do things the way you want to. Take it easy at first and figure out how it all works, don't go crazy and take a bunch of classes right away or you'll regret it. Overall try to have a good time and get good marks.

Back to School

I had my first day of my second semester today. It's weird for me to be starting new classes in January since I've always been on a linear system but I'm adjusting. Overall things are okay, I'm kinda lonely but it's only the first day so I'm sure it'll get better.

The only bad things about today were just bad things about morning classes. My first class was at 8:30 am so I had to wake up at 7 am. I had trouble sleeping last night so I've been functioning on less than four hours of sleep. I really wanna take a nap but I know if I do I'll just mess up my sleeping pattern even more so I'm forcing myself to stay awake. The other bad thing was that I had to leave for my class so early that the sun wasn't even up yet. That's more of a bad thing about winter but it was still annoying for me that I had to leave when it was still dark out.

Wow, this post was fascinating... I guess that's what happens when you try to write a blog post when you're half asleep. Sorry, I just wanted to update since not much is happening lately.