Are They The Right One For Me?

Do you ever feel like a relationship feels completely different when it has ended compared to when it was happening? It seems like sometimes you get so caught up in the happy, someone actually likes me feelings that you don't really consider how well they suit you.

Case and point is I was dating this guy recently who I feel completely different about now vs then. When I was dating him I was totally infatuated, he really could do no wrong in my eyes. He was a cute, affectionate guy who treated me well. However, looking back at it now, I realize how doomed that relationship was. We really had nothing in common so we didn't talk very much. Quite often it felt like he was ignoring me but I assumed that was just because we had nothing to talk about. His "affection" was more like he wanted to get in my pants and less like he was loving. Looking back I think the only reason I was in that relationship was because I was attracted to him, there was really nothing else there.

When it comes to what kind of relationship I want this is what I always say, I want someone like a best friend but a best friend I can make out with. So to me, the most important quality a guy could have is being emotionally compatible with me, hence like a best friend. I think you can always tell whether or not you are emotionally compatible, sometimes you just want to ignore it because you like the person. 

Despite the fact that I keep saying I don't want to settle, I keep settling. The reason for that is I just didn't know how to tell if they are right for me. Recently I met someone who I connect with in a way I've never connected with someone before. I'm such a weirdo around him but he just thinks the weird parts of me are cute and is equally as weird himself. Meeting him has shown me exactly what it feels like to meet someone who suits you. Not only have I gotten a clear view of my past relationships but I've become surer of what I want in future relationships. 

My New Beginning Starts Today

It's strange to feel this way. I haven't seen you in a while and I don't even think of you that much. It's been a week since you broke up with me and I can honestly say I'm doing okay. It's only when I go to certain places that I get sad.

Currently, I can't handle the breakwater, downtown, the park near your house, the beach, and the mountain.

Tonight I went to the breakwater with a friend and I kept looking around for you. For some reason since we went there together once I expected to see you, but of course, I knew you weren't going to be there. I realized tonight how strange it feels to walk around with someone without holding hands. It became like second nature to me that something felt missing every time I took a step. Although you weren't with me, it felt like you were because the memories from that day are still so clear.

I fully accept how things turned out. Sometimes I think about you coming back into my life but I know you never will. I know I can't go back but I won't make the same mistakes twice. In the moment I was so scared of getting close and I wasn't sure I could trust you yet. Looking back I should have just went for it and not held back. Next time when I'm with a guy I like as much as I liked you, I'll be sure to show it.

Now that it's over, all I think about is what I missed out on by holding back. Every opportunity I missed to kiss you. All the times I moved way because I was afraid of being too close. The only regrets I have about you are the things I didn't do.

I don't care if you still think of me but I hope you remember me in a good light. Because even if I was cold and I constantly pushed you away, I really did like you.

Bittersweet Ending

I recently experienced a new first in my life, being broken up with. In the past, I've always been the heartbreaker. I've always wondered what it was like to be on the other side of a breakup. To tell you the truth, I still think breaking up with someone is harder overall than being broken up with. Being broken up with sucks, but it's a short-term pain. Breaking up with someone is a pain you feel for a long time.

I was shaken by the experience because I really liked the guy I was seeing. I didn't want it to happen, but I could tell it was coming. Being with him made me really happy, even if we weren't together for long. In all honesty, I'm not mad or upset that he broke up with me. I'm just sad because I'll miss seeing him.

The last time I had strong feelings for a guy was about three years ago so I was happy to be able to experience feeling like that again. There are many things I wished I could have gotten to do with him but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Although being broken up with tastes bitter, the memories I have will leave a sweet aftertaste.

Returning to Uni

I was only away from university for about two months, almost three but I must say it feels really good to be back. I love my campus and even though I have still yet to make any friends after a year, I still like being there. Studying is enjoyable to me, even though it can be tough to make myself do it. Just going to classes, sitting around campus, and riding my usual bus feels nice. Although I was wasn't gone for long, I missed going to university every day.

It's also really nice right now because there are fewer people around because it is summer. Things don't feel as stressful and crazy as they do during the normal school year. It's like I finally have a chance to enjoy the experience.

I was someone who romanticized university life before I ever experienced it and I had a lot of hopes for it. I must say it has only gotten better as time has gone on. At first, I didn't know what I was doing and couldn't understand how to do well in university. I haven't mastered it yet but I'm getting better. I'd say the only things university is missing for me are some friends and maybe a boyfriend. Those two things were included in my university expectations and although they haven't happened for me yet, I still have hope that they will. I have three more years so, at the very least, I think I can make one friend in that time.

I actually have a part-time job right now so I think having that experience of working just makes me appreciate my university life even more. I like my job, but it can be stressful since it requires a lot of interacting with people which exhausts me. In university, I can choose whether or not I want to be social which is something I cherish.  I want to make friends, but sometimes I just want to be alone and do my own thing. At my work, all the people I work with are really nice so it's a good atmosphere to be in. Despite how nice it is, I know it's not the sort of job I could keep up long term because I need something where I can be antisocial at times. I will admit having money is nice and I do feel more grown up now that I'm working. University is still the best place for me though.

Why is Being Single a Bad Thing?

Being nineteen years old I just don't see the importance of being in a relationship. It's not that I hate relationships but I just don't see why I need to have one right now. I'm young, I enjoy being on my own, and I don't like depending on others.

I'm currently single and recently stopped dating someone. When I stopped seeing this person I was told beforehand that I shouldn't end it until I found a new guy. To me that was bizarre, why did I need to have someone new? Did they not realize that I just wanted to be completely single again?

When I was younger being in a relationship was more of an accomplishment than anything else. I'll admit I went into my first relationship just wanting to have a relationship. Thankfully, I did have true feelings for the guy but honestly, I would have said yes to anyone just because I wanted to experience a relationship. I quickly realized how wrong I was for thinking that way. Once that relationship ended I was stuck in a place where I both wanted a new relationship very quickly and wanted to wait until I fell in love. I ended up feeling sort of pathetic because I didn't date for a long time after that relationship. However, I also realized there was nothing wrong with waiting to date until I found someone I really liked.

When I started dating again, I realized that I was overcome by the fact that it had been so long since I last dated and I just felt like I should start again. I ended up not waiting for someone I really liked and I just started dating because I was bored. I met a nice guy but I just didn't like him the way I wanted to. Now, more than ever, I've realized it was right of me to want to wait until I found someone I really liked. Settling doesn't feel good, not for me or for the other person. I don't care if I have to wait for a year, two years, or five years; I want the next person I date to be someone I truly love.

Being single is not a bad thing. You shouldn't feel the need to go from relationship to relationship just so you won't feel alone. Wait until you find someone you truly like and connect with to date. Being single is way better than being in the wrong relationship.

Applying for Jobs is Tiring

I really, really want to get a summer job.

My summer is twice as long now that I'm in university instead of high school. I remember how bored I got after two months, I can't even imagine how bored I'll be after four months. I'm taking two summer classes but even that leaves me with way too much free time. Plus I need money for school, so a job is what I seek.

Maybe it's my introverted nature or the fact that I over stress out about everything, but I'm so drained by the job seeking process. It's getting to the point where I can't sleep at night because I'm constantly looking up jobs online. I also spend way too much time looking up job finding tips, none of which seem to help much.

Today I went to the mall to apply for jobs but I got overwhelmed so I only gave out half as many resumes as I planned. I tried really hard to show that I would be a good worker but I was so awkward that I just came off as weird. I'm almost positive I was unsuccessful today.

I'm planning on switching my focus to downtown since tourist season is fast approaching and I'm probably more likely to get a job there. Ideally, I want to be a sales associate or a waitress but I'll probably take whatever I can get.

Regardless, I'm really tired today. I think it was a combination of lack of sleep, applying for jobs and walking around a lot. I have work to do for my class but I'll probably do it all tomorrow. Right now I just need to recharge.

It's Okay to Treat Yourself

Since I started university I have gone a little crazy about saving money. In the last eight months, I've spent less than sixty dollars on myself, that's including food. The reason I'm able to avoid spending money is that I still live at home so I don't need to worry about rent or meals. Regardless, I'm not sure this is the best way to live my life. I don't want to go and blow all my money but I don't want to continue being so crazy about saving.

Right now I don't have a job so that makes it really tough for me to decide to do something for myself. In my mind, it's clothing vs a textbook, and textbook always wins. I've gotten some help from my family to pay for my schooling but I don't have enough money to cover everything. Textbooks especially are going to drain my wallet. My goal right now is to get a job and work as many hours as possible until I go back to classes, but it can be tough to get a job with no experience.

My saving obsession has gotten to the point where I don't even spend money that is specifically for me to use such as Christmas money, birthday money, or babysitting money. I actually spent my Christmas money on textbooks.

That's why I decided to treat myself to something a little bit expensive. I went to the hairdresser and got a bunch of blonde streaks put in my hair. It was a bit hard for me to justify spending that money on myself but I worked so hard for eight months so I just decided to do it.

At the end of the day, life isn't just about working hard and saving money. What's the point of working hard if you aren't even going to do anything with your money? I'm not saying go out and blow all your savings but just know it's okay to treat yourself once in a while.