I Seriously Love Kids

Tonight I babysat for an adorable five year old girl. I've babysat her before and I always really enjoy it because she's a great kid. It was so much fun playing around with her and listening to her cute little jokes. There was one point where we were watching TV and she got up from her spot then came and sat beside me while sprawling herself across my lap. It was seriously the cutest thing. When I had to leave and she asked me for a hug so I picked her up, hugged her, and spun her around then put her down. Her mom dropped me off at my place and as I was walking to the door she kept waving and saying goodbye, it was so cute!

Seriously it's kinda a good thing I don't babysit very often because whenever I do it makes me wish I had a kid. Obviously not right now but it makes me wish I was at the age where I could be a mom. It, of course, doesn't help that babysitting only shows you the good stuff about kids (well unless you get a difficult kid) but still I love kids. They are just the cutest, funniest little things in the whole world.

*drawing by http://andersonmahanski.deviantart.com/

I Can't Wait To Change My Image

Besides from a few periods in my life I've always looked the same. There were times when I dyed my hair blonde and once when I had blue streaks in my hair but besides from that, I've always looked normal. I've been dreaming a lot lately about how I'm going to change my image for university. My plan is to go for a cool yet smart look. I'll be losing my glasses, wearing makeup regularly, cutting my hair short, and wearing clothes that represent who I am. My hair is quite long right now and I think cutting it short will cause me to stop hiding behind my hair.  Overall it'll be slightly more mature but I think it will represent me as a person better.

My personality has never changed in my entire life, not that most people's do. I'm not saying I'm going to go crazy or anything but I'm just sick of the mold I've been forced into. Ever since grade three I've been going to school with the same people because of, that I've always been afraid to change things about myself because too many people know me. I feel like I have to maintain the image that I have even though I no longer feel like it fits me. Since becoming a teenager, I've changed a lot in the way I think and act however I never show this to anyone but my friends. To people I don't know I put up a front that tends to drive people away from me because I come off as cold and reclusive. Honestly I don't want people to think of me that way, I want people to know me as a fun kindhearted person but I've never been able to do it. Next year in university I will be separated from most of the people I know, despite going to a local university. For the first time I'll be around people who have no expectations or opinions of me, thus finally getting a new start. I intend to make the most of this and finally change my image, something I've been waiting to do since I was thirteen years old.  

Um We Haven't Learnt That Yet....

The number one thing I hate in a teacher is when they are disorganized. I realize that they have a lot of students to deal with and that it's tough being a teacher but it's hard being a student of a disorganized teacher.

I have one teacher this year who is very.... interesting. I mean he's not the worst teacher in the world but he doesn't meet the standard set by my other teachers. That class always starts late and I always leave feeling as though I've learned nothing. I could handle this class until it got to the point it did last class.

We got handed a worksheet full of questions we had never learned to do. At first, I was confused and thought I had somehow missed a day even though I hadn't. Then I tried to teach myself how to do the questions with the textbook. My teacher then did all the questions on his own without any explanation to us. Honestly, I think he skipped a day or something because he didn't seem to realize we had never seen those kinds of questions before. We got some questions to do at home, which included a super hard version of one of those questions. I could follow what was happening with the other worksheet sheet but with this new one, I had no idea what to do because I never got a chance to practice the questions on the first worksheet. Now I'm utterly confused and have no idea what I'm doing.

All My Wishes Revolve Around Food

Since Christmas is coming up I have to start thinking about what kind of gifts I want. Since I'm not a kid anymore I'm passed the point of wanting a whole bunch of toys so now it's harder to think of what I want. Generally, there isn't anything I want but my family is always bugging me for a wishlist so I've been trying to come up with one.

Here's my trouble. All the things I can think of are food. Lately, I've really wanted to try this ramen shop downtown but there's no one who will go with me. On a similar note, I'm also craving macarons but my mom won't let me have them because she thinks they are too expensive. I could buy them myself but I'm too lazy. I also want chocolate covered strawberries but I'm too lazy to make them plus strawberries are out of season. Those are the only things I can think of that I want and none of them are suitable gifts.

I know I still have time to decide but it's tough. I have quite different tastes than the rest of my family so I can't just say buy me some clothes or jewelry because they'll get me weird things I don't like. After last year, I just really don't want Christmas to happen. My friends are all excited but I'm just dreading it. I don't want presents, I don't want to decorate the house, I don't want to set up a tree, I don't want to bake, and I don't want to hear any Christmas music. I don't want any of it. I just want to eat yummy food that doesn't involve a turkey and stuffing.

*creds to Natalie for these super cute macarons,

if they were sold near me I would eat them all!

I Wish I Could Behave Normally At School

I've traced the cause of my personality issues at school down to one single thing, I'm not awake. Obviously, I am awake but school happens too early in the day for me to bother to have any personality at all. This results in either: people thinking up stuck up or people thinking I'm boring. Like all the times my friends say that I'm the only one who doesn't annoy them or piss them off, if I was acting normally they wouldn't be saying that. I just come off that way because I don't act like myself at school.

My best friend and I have spent years talking about this but nothing has changed. She says I just need to try harder but I blame the morning and the fact that school is annoying. I mean I like learning but I never feel like a human being at school. It just feels like I'm put on pause for six hours. However, school is really the only time I leave the house on weekdays so it's annoying that the only time I see people I'm not acting normally.

I really hate how I act at school because I personally think I'm awful. Even though I'm a lot more annoying naturally, I prefer that version of myself. At school, I can't think of comebacks or witty things to say. I'm not funny or entertaining. Most of my humor comes from being annoying and doing/saying stupid things. This is especially true when I'm hanging out one on one with someone and I feel the need to say everything I'm thinking. Even though I know it pisses some people off, I wish I could be my natural silly, annoying self all the time.

Taste of Adulthood

Today my mom dropped me off at school at 8:30 am and since then I've been completely on my own. It's now after dinner and I can say I've had a good taste of what it's like to be an adult living on my own.

I've handled my own transportation, walked my dog, feed my dog, made myself dinner, and done the dishes. I know to normal people those aren't out of the ordinary things to do but they aren't things I'm used to doing. If I compare it to living on my own, school is work, and my dog is my child. Obviously, it's not the same but it's the best prototype I can get.

Although it's been an interesting day, it's kind of lonely at home. I'm not used to being alone all day. It's sort of sad to think one day I'll be living on my own without seeing my family every day but I guess that's growing up.

Here's a photo I took while walking my dog...

Trying To Get Myself Back On Track

I feel like I learn all my life lessons a lot later than most people. Here I am in my last year of high school and my daily routine is still a wreck. I still haven't learned how to wake up, keep my stuff clean or manage myself at all. When school first started I was doing really well but then things went downhill...

I've been quite bored lately because I've had nothing to do. That's a lie though, I have a lot to do I'm just not doing it. Today I decided I would finally try to get myself back on track after a month of slacking off. I want to finally start doing all the things I've been putting off. I have lots of time so I may as well do it. From this day forward I will be focusing on three main things that I can hopefully keep track of from now on. My three focuses are:

School
(keeping track of homework, doing my online work, preparing for scholarship applications and preparing to apply to university)

Cleanliness
(keeping my room clean, keeping my bathroom clean, doing my laundry and keeping my bed tidy)

Myself
(personal hygiene, happiness, communication with people and relaxation)

*if only I looked this cool, I couldn't find the artist
but it definitely wasn't me because this drawing is incredible

I'm Worried

Maybe it's because I've had a weird day, maybe it's the result of taking a nap at 5 pm but something feels very off about me today. In the grand scheme of my life, this year is looking to be one of my best. Things finally seem to be going right yet I can't help feeling like everything is wrong.

I don't know why this popped into my mind today but I can't stop worrying about myself. Lately, I haven't wanted to go to school. There's nothing I want to avoid at school but I keep making up excuses not to go. This year I'm having more anxiety attacks than I ever have before. Suddenly I can't be around new people without wanting to throw up and I can't do presentations in class without shaking. I don't contact friends. I don't write stories. I don't do anything.

Why this is happening is a mystery to me. My only guess is that I'm scared to graduate and move on in my life. I don't know if that's the reason or if I might be getting depressed again. It's been a couple of years since that period in my life and although I don't always feel 100% I feel a lot better than I did back then. Maybe I'm just having a bad day but I'm losing sight of what I want.

I don't what's happening to me. I don't know why it's happening. I don't know what to do to stop it from happening. Maybe I just need a break. Maybe when winter break comes, the stress of school will stop and I'll be able to think of something other than the math homework I haven't done yet.

I don't know how to end this post or why I'm even posting it in the first place. Probably for the same reason I post everything else, but this post seems neither helpful to others nor helpful to myself. Oh well. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine but today nothing's fine at all.

I Like Trying New Foods

Growing up I was an extremely picky eater. I wouldn't drink milk unless it was chocolate, I would only eat the yolks of eggs, I refused to eat fatty parts of meat, and so on. However, I finally started to try more foods when I joined cooking class in grade ten. It was because of this class I became used to more seasoning on food and I actually started to like peppers.

This year I've tried to expand myself even more. Currently, since I'm slowly removing meat from my diet. I've also been wanting to try a lot more different food. Some of the foods I've come to love are dragon fruit, sweet potatoes, tofu, and spinach. I'm actually surprised at how good some of the things I used to hate are. As I'm writing this I'm eating my first ever sweet potato and it is absolutely incredible. Unlike yams which taste like mashed carrots, sweet potatoes are well... sweet potatoes. I love sweet things so it's a perfect match for me.

The overall point of this post is to try new things. You never know what you might end up liking. Even if you don't end up liking it at least you know you aren't missing out on something incredible.

Overly Excited About Things That Haven't Happened Yet

Since it's my last year of high school I've obviously had to do a lot of planning for my future. I have a lot of my preliminary steps planned out (where I'm going to school, what program I'm doing, where I'm living, etc) and it makes me excited thinking about my next stage in life.

When I entered high school I was in a bad place and I never really got to enjoy high school. I've felt bored, uninterested, and like my time has been wasted. It's been a process trying to improve myself and get to a place where I can open up to people again, which has just been a big stressful struggle.

University, on the other hand, is this really cool exciting thing. I'm looking forward to not relying on my mom anymore and being able to take care of things myself. Even though I'm staying at home I want an experience like I'm away from home, ex. making my own way to school, doing my laundry, cooking for myself, and basically becoming self-sufficient.

My best friend and I are also talking about going on a trip after we graduate which is exciting. I've gone away without my parents before but this trip would just be me and her and I'm really looking forward to it. Also, most of my friends are staying in town which will be great although hardly any of them are going to the same school as me. One of my friends is also taking about a group of us going clubbing once we are old enough which sounds fun as well.

Honestly, anyone who says being a teenager and being in high school is fun, is lying. Your twenties and university are when things actually get interesting. Being able to do things on your own and having no restrictions is going to be the best. I can't wait!