My Dreams That Scare Me

At the bottom of the page is one of my favorite quotes in the entire world. I'm a dreamer and I always get all this energy and happiness from the dreams in my head. Most of the time I'm scared that I can't accomplish my dreams or that they are impossible but honestly what's the fun in having a dream if it doesn't scare you to your core? Who wants a dream that can easily be accomplished? I for one don't. When I think about my dreams I don't even know where to start to accomplish them and I think that's a good sign.

I dream of traveling the world, not in a touristy way but in a way where I'm truly experiencing different places and cultures. I wish schools had a class on cultures because I would take that class in a heartbeat.

I dream of not only writing a book but publishing a book. A book which has an impact, that makes you feel something. As a writer I don't want people to tell me that my writing is good, I want to see that it's good by the look on their face as they read it. I want to make people laugh, smile, cry, mad... all from my writing.

I dream of standing on a stage and singing my heart out. I want to feel the music surging through me as I belt out the worlds to a song I love without caring what people think. I used to take singing classes and out of all the activities I've tried, it made me the happiest. Singing has this effect on me where it always lifts my mood. No matter how down I am, if I sing I feel better. I dreamt of singing at the 5th-grade talent show but was too scared. Every year I've been in high school I've wanted to participate in our talent shows but I've always been too afraid to sign up. This year I plan to change that. Even if my singing isn't at the level I want it to be, I still want to get on stage and sing. I know that I probably won't become a professional singer but I still want people to hear my voice.

I've listed a few but in this world, there are so many things I want to do. I personally can't wait to start working on them :)

I Love Friendship!

I'm the type of person who only ever had a few close friends. As much as I've wanted a big group of friends, it's never happened to me. Pretty much since high school started I've just been floating around socially. Since I'm usually fine as long as I have a best friend I don't put a ton of effort in thus me not having a lot of friends. My best friend transferred schools last year so I had to start putting in some effort to make new close friends. Things have been great lately because I'm becoming close with a new friend. Well, I've known her since grade nine but we've always been more of school friends than real friends up until now. I'm just happy because I've kinda forgotten what a budding friendship feels like since I've known my best friend for about nine years. Not that I don't love my best friend, but we're at the point where we are more like realistic sisters than friends.

Not a Cooking Fail

I've made two posts already related to cooking one was crepes, the other was quinoa, both failed miserably. However, today's post is a success!

In my family, good home cooked meals are a rarity. Today was just another no effort dinner (not that dinner always needs effort but it's nice once and a while). I had rice and flavored chicken sewers. This seemed kinda boring to me so I jazzed it up. I put the rice in a bowl, cut the chicken up into little pieces, got some veggies, added it all together and topped it off with a bit of soy sauce. The result was a really yummy rice bowl with a Chinese style taste to it. Not the most complex or interesting thing I could have done but whenever I try to make my own dish it always fails so I'm happy to have a success!

I already ate it but imagine something like this...

Having A Daily Routine Is....Fun?

I'm notorious for being a person who spends half of my day sleeping and the other half inside on my computer. Because of my bad habits, it's always been hard to form a daily routine and I've always found having one bothersome. However, for these past three days, I've begun to establish a routine that includes events outside of the house since I've been having meetings for a charity event I'm helping out with.

I never realized how nice it is to have a routine. I wake up, lounge around, eat a good meal, get ready, go out into the outer world, come home, have dinner, lounge around some more, and go to bed. It sounds kinda boring but it's way better than before when I only left my room for food. I mean I spent two months basically all alone and now I'm seeing people almost every day. And all of this is happening without school forcing a routine on me. I've also begun a cleaning schedule for myself since I'm trying to be more responsible. I spent Sunday doing laundry and putting away all my clothes and I found it really fun. I'm not sure if this is a high point or a low point in my life... I guess I'm becoming domesticated which honestly isn't a bad thing.

Truth be told I doubt this routine and inspiration to clean will last long but I'm enjoying it while it's here. At least I feel like I'm doing something with my life :)

The Return Of The Feelings!!!

Now I'm a person who tends to document most of my life with writing thus the blog. However, I was reading through a failed journal of mine and it had a bit of a weird effect on me. The original point of this journal was to write down everything that happens each summer instead of being a year round one but I never finished it and this summer went undocumented.

I could give you the whole story about this but I'm going to cut it down to the bare minimum. Basically, there was this guy who I really liked at the time and we had a bit of a weird relationship with each other until ultimately we stopped talking and he got back together with his ex. The two of us sort of kept contact since he went to the same school as me but now it's been a while since I've talked to him. I had honestly completely forgotten about him and how I felt about him until I went back and read through this journal. Because I tend to write in detail I suddenly remembered everything that happened in that time and how I used to feel. Remembering all that made me really happy and I, in a weird way, started to fall for him again. Now I should clarify that we were never anything more than friends, it was always a platonic relationship however it never really felt platonic if that makes sense.

It's just sort of crazy for me to all of a sudden have those feelings again after not feeling them for so long. It's kinda like when you lose a necklace you love and over time you just forget about it and it's like you never had it in the first place until one day you suddenly find the necklace again and you remember how much you used to love it. Bad analogy, sorry. Basically, this is just weird for me since I had completely moved on and forgotten about him and now all of a sudden BAM feelings.

I'm Scared.

I'm hesitant to write about this but because this blog is sort of my way to deal with things I guess here is as good of a place as any. It's a relevant part of my life right now and I think it's important to document these points in my life.

I'm scared, terrified really of what's to come in the next year. Even though I've made a solid decision on what to do post secondary I still have no idea what to do. I was really depending on this school year to help me out but it seems that I'm all by myself now. Right now I'm unable to think of anything except school and it's worrying me so much I can't sleep or eat or enjoy anything.

I have no idea how university works. I need help to understand how to apply to university, what classes to take, and how to get scholarships/loans. I also have to figure out some way to do the graduation transitions program that must be done at my high school to graduate. I'm so confused and worried, especially for applying to university. My transcript is going to be quite weird and I feel that I will have to explain a lot of things in order to be admitted. Traditionally it's known in my town that the university I will be applying to is easy to get into and with good grades I never worried about getting in before but now that everything's all screwed up I'm scared that I'll have to put off university for a year which I really don't want to do. I'm not ready to grow up yet. I can't handle the pressures of a job because all I know is school and studying. I don't have job skills and if I don't have a job what will I do for that year I may have to put off? I don't want to waste a year of my life and it's not like I can afford to travel or anything. I need those four years of university to figure out my life. I just need more time before I have to make these adult decisions. I'm not ready for all this yet. I wish I could just get one more year of being a kid. Just give me my senior year of high school then I'll grow up with no complaint. I really just need more time...

An Odd Trait Of Mine

Now before stating what exactly my weird trait is, I feel the need to say that I do not have a type A personality nor am I a perfectionist. My weird trait is that I have this overwhelming need to know every single detail about something I'm about to do. For example, if someone tells me to get some eggs at the store I'll be like, "Okay which ones?" and they say something like, "Oh whatever's there." Most people would leave it there but I start asking a ton of questions like, "what size?" "Is there a price I'm sticking to?" "Brown or white?" "omega 3?" "free range?" This gets to a point where I become super annoying to the person and usually they will tell me to just go do it or they will do it themselves.

This trait comes up strongest when I'm nervous. I lose control over my filter when I get nervous because I just say everything that comes to mind. Once on a school field trip, I was put in a group where the activities we were doing were archery, team building, and kayaking. I had never been kayaking before and there was a test you had to do at the beginning where you sat in the kayak, flipped the kayak upside down then escaped underwater. I was extremely nervous about this so I kept bugging my teacher with questions about it, in response she kept trying to comfort me. When it was my turn I did the same thing to the instructor and I kept asking him exactly what I should do and how it was going to go. In the end, I did the test and I freaked out when I was underwater because I got stuck in the kayak. I escaped but was really embarrassed afterward because my classmates had seen me freak out and I had a big bruise on my leg.

Asking a million questions definitely shows a lack of confidence, but the main reason I do it is because I don't want to mess up and I want to do it exactly as the person wishes. This is also why I'm very into researching things because I like to know exactly how certain things happen and what I should expect when going to do certain things. Anytime I'm doing something new I will look it up on the internet so I know what to expect and can prepare myself. It's when an unexpected situation comes up that this trait shows itself.