I Can't Talk Properly

Lately, I haven't been talking that much and it seems to be every time I do talk my words come out weird. I either talk too fast or I slur my words together or I talk in a strange pitch. If I talk often the words come naturally but it seems to be whenever I talk after not talking for a while everything gets all messed up. It's annoying because I want to talk more but when I talk strangely it makes me feel unconfident and I get quiet again.

Also sort of on the subject of talking I saw my best friend recently after we had been unable to meet up for a couple of weeks. It made me realize how different my relationship is with her than with my other friends. Maybe it's because we've known each other for so long and there's literally nothing we don't know about each other but it's so easy to hang out with her. With her, I can make stupid jokes or act completely idiotic. It made me realize that she's probably the only friend who I act like myself around. That is kinda sad but also good that I have a person like her in my life. With other people,  I would constantly be worried about saying the wrong thing but with her, I know it's not a problem. I'm still forever thankful that she's a part of my life because if she wasn't around I think I would go crazy. Even if I don't talk well or I don't always make sense, I still need to be able to talk. I'm not upset with my other friends for not knowing this, it's just a little annoying that I'm unable to act like myself or say what I want to say around them.

So Not Into That

Today as I was driving away from the grocery store I noticed a couple walking together. I know that's not weird, there are couples everywhere but I noticed that with this couple instead of the boyfriend putting his arm around his girlfriend's waist or you know holding her hand, he was grabbing her butt as they walked around. I get that some people like that kind of thing but I know if a guy ever tried to pull that with me I would probably snap off his wrist. I'm so not into that sort of thing and I think it's kinda disrespectful. I would want my boyfriend to think highly enough of me to know that isn't even an option, he can put his hand in an appropriate place or he can walk alone. You wouldn't grab a girl's boobs in public so why would it be okay to grab her butt? I really don't understand some people. It's kinda like the people who aggressively make out in public, I mean can't you wait till you get home or something? I don't know I just found it really weird that's all.

The Importance of the Right Job

I think there is a huge mistake adults make when talking to teenagers about working. You are warned that your first job isn't going to be that great and that work is not fun. This is sound advice. However, a lot of adults don't warn teenagers enough that not everyone is ready to work once they hit sixteen. I know I wasn't but with everyone around me getting jobs and me wanting some extra money, I thought I was. This lead to the single worst experience of my life but one I learned a lot about. Here's what I learned about working from my first job.

1.Work is hard. I knew work was hard when I first starting looking for a job but I didn't quite realize what I was getting into. I didn't work often or for long hours but the work I did wasn't easy. I spent most of the time washing dishes or lifting heavy boxes. It was boring and I didn't enjoy it at all.

2. You have to find a job that fits you. The number one thing I learned from my first job was that I was not cut out to work with food. It seems to be that most people work with food at some point in their lives but I'm just the type of person who is awful with food. It made me worry a lot that I was going to mess up and accidentally poison someone or something. I found the job very stressful and I was quite unhappy with the work I did. I wish I would have started with something that fit me better instead of the first job I was able to get.

3. Co-workers are hit or miss. Some of your co-workers will be amazing, they will be nice and friendly and understanding when you screw up. Trust me there will be a lot of screw ups so it really makes the difference when your co-workers are understanding. Most likely your boss will be the scariest person you will meet mainly because they have the power to fire you at any point. However, there is always the chance of having a co-worker that you don't get along with at all and makes you dread going to work. I'm sorry but it's likely you'll get at least one co-worker like this at some point in your life. I'm also sorry that I have no advice on how to deal with this.

4. Some things just aren't worth the money. Sure you are getting paid but there is only so much you have to put yourself through for money. Honestly, my first job experience tore me down so much that I'm only able to comfortably talk about it now, two years later. It was a job I had for two weeks and it took me two years to recover. I got a job hoping to build my confidence but I found myself in a place that made me feel very anxious. I didn't know what to do and I felt like a complete screw-up. I had some great co-workers but I had one that made me feel so awful about myself that I went home crying after work. It was a job that didn't suit me at all and I knew that but I wanted to prove to myself that I could be a good employee. Well, things didn't go great and one day at work I made mistake after mistake until finally, I made such a big mistake that I was told to go home early. I never returned after that, however it wasn't really my choice. To be honest I was happy to be fired because that meant I didn't have to subject myself to something that made me so unhappy. The moral of this story is that no matter how much you are getting paid, it's not worth it if it makes you miserable. Find something you like you do instead of suffering with something you hate.

The reason why I'm writing this now is partly a warning but also because there is finally a happy side to this story. Currently, I'm doing volunteer work dealing with retail related tasks such as sorting clothes and tagging items. It's something I really enjoy doing and I feel that I'm good at. At first, my hands were shaky and I felt unconfident but the more I do it the better I'm feeling. It's quite similar to a job in retail except I don't deal with customers and I don't get paid. I feel like this is the sort of thing I should have started with to build myself up for a real job. I really like what I do there and the people who are there are all really nice and understanding of me even though I ask a lot of questions and I'm quite shy. Having this experience has really healed me from my first job experience and the workplace is no longer something I fear. So although it isn't a job where I get paid, it's a job that I really enjoy and I think that the most important part. Of course, there are people in circumstances where you need the money no matter what but if you don't really have a need for money right now go with a volunteer job first because I think it's a great transition into a paying job. Also even if you have a bad experience don't let it haunt you for too long, not every job sucks and not every experience will be like that one.

The Future Is Becoming Real

There are about two months of school left and it is finally starting to hit me that I'm graduating. I have mixed feelings about graduation like a lot of other graduates. I'm excited for my upcoming grad events which are only a month away however at the same time I'm nervous about leaving high school which I've become so comfortable with.

It hadn't really hit me that I'm going to university in the fall until I got mailed my acceptance package today. Nowadays a lot of the university stuff is done online and I've been doing all the stuff I've needed to do but it didn't really feel real to me. Now I have this physical acceptance that I can hold in my hands that just makes everything feel real. I'm sort of terrified to be going into university especially since none of my friends are going to the same school. It's going to be hard for me at the very beginning to know absolutely no one but I'm sure it'll turn out alright.

I can't say I'll miss high school though. Graduation literally can not come soon enough. Especially since I have my beautiful grad dress hanging up in my closet which I can't wear for another month. I wanna go to prom and hang out with my friends and just have a lot of fun in these last few months. I've been working hard to become responsible and do all the things I have to do before I graduate. I honestly feel like I haven't had any fun all year. But you gotta do what you gotta do. I can put up with a year of hard work if it means I'm one step closer to my dreams.

I'm Ready To Be My Own Person

To this day the hardest question for me to answer is, tell me about yourself. Whenever I hear this I completely blank. All my life I've never really felt like me. I was my parents' daughter, my brother's sister, the best friend of so and so I was never just me. I feel like I've been defined by the people around me. Most of the people at school only know me because I'm a friend of someone else, the number of people who personally think of me as me is very few. Of course when you've always been known as so and so's best friend you never think too much about who you are without that person. When you're growing up there's always someone with you whether it's family or friends. However, there comes a point when you start to be independent and you can no longer be defined by who you know. You begin to wonder as you are doing things on your own for the first time who you really are.

I'm reaching that point in my life where I want to live my life independently. I want to do things on my own and figure out who I am. I know for sure I'm not the quiet, shy, smart girl that everyone thinks I am. I've been saying this for a while but I have two completely different personalities for when I'm at school and when I'm not at school. I'm just coming to the point where I only want one personality, my true personality. There's honestly nothing wrong with my image however it's hard to live up to being the nice smart one when there are times when you feel neither nice nor smart. I think this conception of me wanting to be my own person goes along with my dreams of university. When I think of university I always envision myself by myself. I don't think about following my friends around or doing what other people expect me to do. I just want to be me for once in my life even if I don't really know who I am.

Today I woke up to the absolute best news ever! I checked my email to see there was an email from the university I applied to and I got accepted! You do not know how relieved I am that everything worked out. It was the only school I applied to so I worried about not getting in. It was an early acceptance so it's conditional but as long as I keep doing well in school there are no problems. I just feel so relieved and so happy, this is the best day ever!

Maybe What She Told Me Was True

Some people can't be alone. Some people can be alone. I'm alone all the time but I can't stand it. I can't stand being lonely and I absolutely hate being single. For all of my life, I've had a crush on someone. Although I'm not the type to go from boyfriend to boyfriend, I always have a crush. In grade eleven I had no crush for the first time so I began to convince myself that I was in love with my ex. I've been in this state ever since. There are no guys at my school that I'm interested in so I cling onto the one I used to have. Even if deep down I know if he actually showed interest in me I wouldn't want him. I understand fully that he's not the one for me yet I hang on because I worry there will be no one else. It's been over two years, what's so wrong with me that no one else would like me? Why isn't there someone for me?

I told this to my best friend some time ago. She told me that I shouldn't worry about things like that. The guy who I want and wants me, he exists, I just haven't come across him yet. He could go to a different school or live in a different country. He could be someone I walked by on the street or someone I will bump into on the street later on. I could meet him in my university class or he could be the waiter at a new restaurant my friends make me try. He could be the guy I never noticed in class or the one I never knew had feelings for me. He could be the guy I meet at the airport when both our flights get delayed or he could be the guy I meet in a club downtown. The possibilities of where I could meet him or when he will come in my life are endless and it's kind of exciting. I'll never know when he'll show up but it makes me happy thinking of when he will.