My Anxiety Makes Me Feel Crazy

Ever since I've started University I've felt like I've had my anxiety under control. I've realized lately that my anxiety isn't gone, it's just showing itself in ways I've never experienced before.

In the past, I've experienced anxiety in new situations whether that be unfamiliar places or unfamiliar people. The symptoms I experienced were uncontrollable shaking, heart racing, inability to think, and general uneasiness. Now I experience anxiety when there's a break in my routine or something I expect to happen doesn't. The symptoms I get now are heart racing, worrying, and crying. I hate how my anxiety makes me feel because it happens most often in situations involving my boyfriend and I don't want to be that overdramatic girlfriend who cries to get what she wants, even if I know that's not why I'm doing it. It wasn't until an anxiety attack I had quite recently after a miscommunication, where I heard my boyfriend saying he was coming over on a certain day and then on that day he didn't come over, that I realized I wasn't being an awful person it was just my anxiety acting up.

I think the realization that I'm not being crazy or unreasonable and that it's my anxiety that is causing me to react strongly helps me to calm down when I'm in those situations. When it happened and I thought I was just crazy, the attack would go on for hours until I either cried myself to sleep or distracted myself with something else. Now that I can think a bit more rationally about what is causing my reactions I can calm myself down a lot faster. I think taking the blame, guilt, shame, etc away from my anxiety attacks has made a big difference in how I can handle them. I'm currently still trying to find new coping techniques but for now, I've learned not to give myself such a hard time when I experience an anxiety attack.

How is it possible to miss someone who is so close?

When my boyfriend and I were long distance I can honestly say I didn't miss him too much. The first four months were easy because we were still getting to know each other and the connection was building up so I didn't really miss him. He came to visit after that and once he left I missed him a ton for like a month. However, once I got used to him not being there the next three months were fairly easy, I missed him but it was manageable. The last month of our long distance relationship I missed him like crazy because I knew he was coming soon and I just wanted time to move faster.

Now we've been in a normal relationship for about six months and I feel like I miss him more now than I did when we were long distance. I get to see him about three times a week which is realistically the perfect amount of time together but in my heart, I always want more. If I could live unrealistically I would move in with him so I get to see him every day and always wake up beside him. I know that living together doesn't make sense right now as our relationship is still fairly new (just over a year) and we can't do it financially. He's so close now that I could see him every day if I wanted to yet going even a sad without seeing him makes me miss him. I feel crazy for being sad when he goes home because I know I'll see him again in a couple of days anyway. I never knew I could miss someone so much who is so close.

Every day before I see him I get so excited. I fall asleep that night happy, knowing I get to see him the next day. No matter how bad of a day I might have it's all worth it because at the end of the day I get to see him again. This happens even if I saw him the previous day meaning that I miss him even if it's only been about 36 hours since I last saw him. I've always been a person who likes my space and personal time so it's weird to me that I want to be around another person this much. I'm really thankful that I got to meet someone who makes me feel this way because it's times like these when I realize just how much I love him.

Timing Is Bullsh*t

I remember being fifteen years old and experiencing my first heartbreak. I had said goodbye to a boyfriend I still really liked because I knew we weren't working at that point in time. I reassured myself that if we were meant to be we would be. He had told me that maybe we'd meet again later in life. I held out hope that our timing had been wrong and we'd get it right the next time. Later I learnt that the timing was exactly what it was supposed to be.

I don't believe that the timing of things is ever wrong. Some people like to complain that they met people at the wrong times and that if only the timing had been right, it would have worked. I used to be one of those people who liked to blame things on timing. As I've gotten older and experienced more of what time has shown me, I've learnt that it's never wrong.

When I was nineteen I had a summer fling. I was smitten with the guy and hoped the relationship would become something more but it never did. He broke up with me after a month and in order to "one up" him, I started searching for new guys right away. Little did I know how perfect the timing of that break up was but when it happened I wished he hadn't given up on us so early.

One week after being broken up with I met who I currently call the love of my life. As I met him and got to know him I became thankful for the timing of my previous relationship because had it not happened exactly the way it did, I wouldn't have met him. Our circumstances weren't great since we lived on opposite sides of the country. In the beginning, I was just gonna call our meeting bad timing but it was exactly the right timing. We pulled towards each other despite all the obstacles saying the timing was bad. I was too young, we were too far away, long distance was too hard; all these things shouted no to anyone else but to us, there was no answer but yes. Our timing shouldn't have been great but it was. Since things lined up so perfectly for us to come into each other's lives, I can't ever believe that bad timing is the reason a relationship doesn't work out.

Your relationship doesn't fail because of bad timing, it fails because it wasn't the right relationship.

I'm In A Serious Relationship

A couple of months ago I wrote a post called "I want to be committed but not serious" in which I expressed my ideas on commitment vs seriousness in a relationship. I claimed I wanted to be committed but not serious because I was twenty years old and too young to be serious.

I did not want to make plans far in the future, spend my weekends gardening, think seriously about marriage, spend evenings thinking of baby names, etc. However, somehow I've gotten into a serious relationship without even realizing it. I'm now planning trips with my boyfriend months ahead, I'm growing a garden with him at my house, and I'm sure I want to marry him one day. We haven't talked about baby names but we have talked about how we want to be great parents one day.

When I wrote the post I know it came from being afraid. I loved him but I didn't know if we had a future together yet since he hadn't moved to my city yet. Things were still new and scary, the last thing I wanted was to be hurt so I tried to protect myself by claiming I didn't want to be "serious". After spending just a couple of months with him, my feelings have changed a lot. Now we have celebrated our one year anniversary together and I'm going to meet his parents in the winter, I'm not scared of whether or not we have a future. For right now I love him and I can't imagine a point in my life when I won't. I want to be a "boring" couple with him and do serious couple things because I am serious about him.

Future Career

In just a couple of weeks, I will be back at university starting my third year. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do post-university. I'm taking my degree for five years so I still have three years before I make a solid decision. As much as I'd like to find a biology related job, I've also been thinking a lot about teaching lately.

In high school, I was part of a peer tutoring club for two years. I really enjoyed helping younger students with their homework and teaching them about the subjects they struggled in. I've also always loved kids and enjoyed every babysitting opportunity I got. If I made the decision right now, I'd probably go for a post-degree so I could be a teacher, I'm not sure about elementary vs high school though. I think both elementary and high school would be enjoyable but in different ways.

On the other hand, I don't want to give up completely on biology. My original plan for trying to get into the biology field was to start volunteering for biology related places in my fourth or fifth year to build up a bit of experience. From there I would apply to related jobs after graduating but if I fail to get a job in the first couple of years then I would work part time while still doing volunteering. The problem with biology is that I'm not completely sure what I want to do with it. I don't know what direction I want to take or what kind of job I'm wanting. The reason teaching is more appealing right now is that I can imagine exactly what I want in that field but in biology I'm unsure.

There is no rush to make a decision right now but as I finish up my degree, I think I'll make sure I meet the requirements for teaching so I still have that option. Regardless of what I ultimately choose, I just want to find a job that will make me happy.

Moving Fast

Right now I'm nearing the end of my summer vacation and preparing to restart my normal life. For the past couple of months I've been doing practically nothing while spending the majority of my time with my boyfriend. By this time next month, I'll be starting school again and drastically changing my everyday life.

Currently, I spend about half the week with my boyfriend and honestly that isn't enough. I've become greedy since he moved here a couple of months ago. I know it's impossible since we both have lives (well I'll have one soon) but I want to spend all my time with him. Lately, I've been thinking about how much I'd like to move into an apartment with him but that's crazy since I'm a twenty-year-old university student. Since meeting him I've decided on the mentality that I don't want to rush through life but instead walk slowly through each milestone however my thoughts lately don't match that. I keep thinking too far into the future imagining things like moving in together, getting a dog, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, etc. At this point, I'm just wondering if this is normal when you find someone you love or if there's something wrong with me. Obviously, I'm not ready for any of the things I imagine but I'm overjoyed when imagining them. Am I moving too fast or am I just in love?

My Inspiration

I went to see Wonder Woman recently mainly just because I like superhero movies. I definitely didn't expect it to have such a big effect on me. My favourite superhero was Spiderman because of his quick wit and relatability but I don't think I can say that anymore. After watching Wonder Woman I don't think I can ever call anyone but her my favourite superhero.

The beginning of the movie started with introducing the Amazons and young Diana. There were no men seen for about the first 30 mins of the movie. I felt a rush of emotions come over me that I at first brushed off thinking my hormones were out of whack or something. As the movie continued I realized that those emotions were not just hormones. I felt an overwhelming rush of emotions because I was seeing a female superhero being strong on her own for the very first time.

I have seen females in superhero movies before but every time they are either sidekicks or part of a team. I'd never seen the old Wonder Woman movie and to be honest I didn't know much about her. I feel like because she is a female superhero no one really pays attention to her. People will always say that Superman or Batman or Spiderman or whoever is their favourite superhero but I've never heard anyone say that Wonder Woman is their favourite, especially not men. I think Wonder Woman is great regardless of the fact that she is a woman. I think her strength, bravery, integrity, and beliefs are the real reason she is my favourite.

I never really thought about how representation is important to me as a woman. I was always the girl who would pick the female character in any video game even if she was the weakest character. I complained about any game that didn't give me the option to pick a female character, wondering why so many games refused to include them. Even though I complained, I never really thought it was that big of a deal. That was until I watched Wonder Woman which almost brought me to tears multiple times just by watching a strong, independent woman proving to everyone that she was strong despite her feminity. Representation is important, not just for women but for everyone. Everyone should be able to have a role model that they feel represents them. For me, it happens to be Wonder Woman.