My Mom Ships Us

I know I've been doing a lot of posts lately but I just want to tell this story really quick.
So my mom knows about the guy I'm interested in and she actively wants us to be together. She'll randomly come up with scenarios in which we start dating or something romantic happens between us and a funny situation happened recently of this nature.

I was telling my mom about this issue I had about whether or not I should join a class. I told her that I was worried about catching up and stuff and she didn't really seem to care. She was pretty indecisive and gave me the typical, "It's up to you honey, do it if you want to." However, I then told her that my main worry was that the guy I'm interested in is in the class and as soon as I said that she became interested and told me I definitely had to join that class. It was so funny how quickly my mom's attitude changed once I mentioned him.

If you're curious about the outcome, I am going to join that class and I'm guessing there will be later posts about what happens. Also, I'm not joining the class just to be with him, I've been stressing out lately because I need this course for university so this is just the smart move to make.

I'm Pathetic

I don't understand it all at... I've spent so much time trying to get over this and rid myself of these feelings. Every time I get so close. So close I feel like I've finally moved on. Then I do something stupid. I start to see you around the halls. I start to see you everywhere I go even when you aren't really there. My mind deludes me and I begin to wonder about you. Wonder if you wonder about me. I can only endure this state for so long before I contact you. We begin to talk and I feel all happy.

I wonder if you ever wanted me to move on at all... If you were absolutely done with me and wanted nothing to do with me, you wouldn't reply so fast. I try to tell myself that you don't like me because you don't text me first but whenever I text you, you reply in seconds. You confuse me you know that? Suggesting things that seem out of place. Why are you so nice to me anyway? You'd think that you'd hold some resentment towards me but you don't. You were always so nice and treated me so well. If you were a jerk than it would have been easy to move on but I have nothing against you. No reasons to tell myself no when I feel like I want to be with you. 

It sucks you know, feeling this way. I feel like I'm such a pathetic hopeless person. But you know if I hated it so much, I would have moved on by now... 

Life Like an Anime

Do you ever get moments in your life that feel like anime scenes? My life is nowhere near an anime, it's neither interesting nor exciting. Sometimes, however, I will have these moments that feel like they came straight out of an anime. This may be a weird manifestation of my love for anime and me wanting to have an anime life that I make my life seem more like one than it is but lately stuff has just been happening.

When I say anime scenes I'm talking about the ones out of romantic, slice of life animes. First of all, I had an assembly where I was practically sitting right behind my "love interest" and I kept thinking about it and how close I was to him and I couldn't help but look over at him. Kind of like in an anime where a girl sits behind a boy she likes and gets all cute and nervous about it. The next one happened only an hour later when I went into what I thought would be an empty classroom to get my bag. When I stepped inside there was a group of guys hanging out at the other side of the room. I locked eyes with one who happened to be my "love interest", shocked that he was there I quickly snatched by bag off the floor and left without another look. Today another moment happened, I was walking down the hall, looked ahead and saw the guy walking down the stairs. While looking at him a girl came quickly around the corner and almost crashed into me, I felt embarrassed and lost sight of him.

This may just be me but these things seem like typical things that would happen in an anime. Maybe I'm just searching for meaning where there is none but it seems weird to me because I never see this guy around. I don't have any classes with him yet suddenly he keeps showing up. I feel like a maiden in love who's having a lot of convenient anime things happening to move her closer to her crush. I'm no maiden and he's no crush and we definitely aren't in an anime but sometimes I wish we were. If we were in an anime, then maybe there would be some sort of hope for us. There could be a big build up scene where we finally confess our pent up feelings and realize that we should be together. At the end of the day, life isn't an anime and I'm just a hopeless girl longing for the past.

My Method Towards Relationships

Today I was watching a show on relationships which covered many different types of relationships in detail which was refreshing since relationships are often portrayed halfheartedly. What I mean is that they are always negative or positive, you never really get to hear about the gray areas. Thinking about the gray areas, I began to think about what I am like around people I like and what kind of things I do to try and win them over.

In my life, I have followed two different patterns. The first strategy was intense feelings of love with little to no action. The second strategy was guarded feelings and straight forward action. It's a bit hard to decipher which method is better because they both worked in such different ways.

With intense feelings of love and little to no action, I was able to fall deeply and innocently in love with someone without actually making any move towards them. This method put my heart fully on the line. I never had my heart broken with this method because I never confessed. However, it hurt me as I was getting over the person because I realized I was giving my heart out too easily to people who didn't want it.

After hitting that realization I had a shift. This is when I began to safeguard my feelings but approached things more straightforwardly. I began doing this because I didn't want to waste so much time on people who didn't like me. With the other method, my crushes were lasting for years but with this one, they only lasted for a couple of months. I would confess my feelings to them and move on if they didn't like me. I've confessed my feelings properly to two guys in my life. With one guy he rejected me but I never put my heart into it so it didn't hurt me thus the beauty of this method. The other guy had mutual feelings for me and we dated. However, because I was so used to safeguarding my heart, I was unwilling to openly give my heart to him. This defensiveness caused a lot of problems and resulted in my worst broken heart caused by myself.

I've been trying to merge the two patterns together after realizing the mishaps of being too careful. Clearly, there is no way to prevent yourself from getting hurt when you like someone. I've had countless crushes in my life and only one person has reciprocated my feelings so I know quite a bit about one-sided love. If I've learned anything about relationships it's this: keep a tight hold on your heart until you find out if your feelings are reciprocated or not, if they are you have to let go of your heart and give it away or else it will be suffocated in your hold. If the feelings aren't reciprocated keep holding onto your heart until they are. One day you'll find a person worthy of giving your heart to.

Maybe I Am Growing Up?

I'm not sure what it is lately but since going back to school I feel more grown up. Maybe it's being the oldest in the school and feeling like an adult among children. Maybe it's the more demanding classes. Or it might be the responsibilities I've had organizing a project for a charity campaign my school does. No matter what the reason is it's a weird feeling for me. I've always felt like a child that will never become a proper adult but I think I'm starting to realize that growing up isn't something you notice happen. It just happens as you move through your life and get older. Whether or not you want it to happen, it does. You begin to change because of the responsibility you get because you don't want to disappoint anyone or yourself by not being able to live up to that responsibility.

Suddenly I'm starting to care less about what people think of me because I'm too busy doing what needs to be done to worry about the opinion of others. I mean I've always thought of growing up as this terrible thing but I think it might actually be a good thing. Yes, it's not easy but it encourages you to grow as a person in ways you could never have before.

Grade 12 Classes

Today I got to experience four out of six of the classes I'm taking. To be honest it wasn't the best day I've ever had but I always have trouble the first few weeks of school due to the type of personality I have (awkward and reserved). Mainly I'm cranky today because I had a meeting at lunch and didn't get to eat all day but anyway here's my thoughts on my classes so far...

Biology: I absolutely love the subject. The people aren't super annoying and there are at least a few people I know. It doesn't seem like the work load will be that hard either. Overall I'll rate it a 7/10.

Math: I have neutral feelings about the subject but it's the class where my main issue with the day is. Although I'm not a person who struggles with math this will probably be my hardest class this year. The work load is very heavy and requires lots of studying and effort. In my class there is not one person I know which is awful. I know it's not a social class but I've always had bad luck with math classes. I never know anyone in my math classes, it would be nice if I did so I had someone I could work with but that isn't the case. Overall it currently gets a 4/10.

English: A subject I have neutral feelings about but this is definitely one of my better classes. English is a breeze for me which means a very easy work load. I have close friends in this class which is something you need in English because it can be quite boring. My teacher is new to the school but she seems cool and will probably be my favorite teacher this year. Overall it gets a 9/10.

Marine Biology: Another subject I love because I love Biology in general. This is an elective which means a light work load. I think the best thing about this class is the fact that I'm not trapped inside all day, I get to go out and go to the beach quite often. There are many field trips, lots of hands on experience, and it all seems like a lot of fun. The only downside is I don't really know anyone in this class. I know a couple of people but we are more of acquaintances than friends. Overall I'll give it a 7/10.

Creative Writing: I haven't actually had this class yet but since I've been taking it every year since grade nine I know how it'll go. The subject is great, the work load is easy, and overall there is a lot of freedom. Lots of my friends will be in this class this year which makes me feel ecstatic. Overall it will get a 9/10.

The only class I'm unsure about is chemistry. I know it'll be hard like math but I'm hoping there will at least be someone I know in the class to make me not hate it as much. I have nothing against chemistry as a subject but it's known to be difficult. I did quite well last year and I hope to do the same this year. I'm just crossing my fingers a certain someone doesn't end up in the same class with me, it doesn't seem like it'll happen but I tend to have quite bad luck when it comes to who's in my classes. Overall the school year looks like it'll be okay, probably quite similar to last year except less classes and more work.

Last First Day of Mandatory School

Today is sort of momentous, it's my last first day of required schooling. My friend actually texted that to me today except I added required schooling to it because I will have more first days of school when I'm in university. Regardless I'm experiencing a bit of a weird feeling today.

What can I say really? High school is ending and the time is probably going to go by quickly. Today feels more nerve wrecking and exciting but by the time the year ends I think it'll just be sad. I remember crying on my last day of elementary school and that may happen again at the end of this year. Although it'll be sad doing all the school events without my best friend since I'd always imagined us doing them together, I'm glad I have other friends to experience them with.

If I can say one thing about today, it's that today will be the last chill day I'll have in a while. Missing three weeks of classes due to unavoidable issues means there's going to be a lot of work to do to catch up and on top of that I have quite a bit of non-school related stuff to do in the coming week as well as physics online to work on. So today will be nice; see some friends, get my schedule, and leave. It's really the perfect school day, it even starts later. I'm going to have two spare blocks this year and although it's unlikely I'm hoping both of them land on morning blocks because I would really like some time to sleep in.

But yeah....school.