I'm Ready To Be My Own Person

To this day the hardest question for me to answer is, tell me about yourself. Whenever I hear this I completely blank. All my life I've never really felt like me. I was my parents' daughter, my brother's sister, the best friend of so and so I was never just me. I feel like I've been defined by the people around me. Most of the people at school only know me because I'm a friend of someone else, the number of people who personally think of me as me is very few. Of course when you've always been known as so and so's best friend you never think too much about who you are without that person. When you're growing up there's always someone with you whether it's family or friends. However, there comes a point when you start to be independent and you can no longer be defined by who you know. You begin to wonder as you are doing things on your own for the first time who you really are.

I'm reaching that point in my life where I want to live my life independently. I want to do things on my own and figure out who I am. I know for sure I'm not the quiet, shy, smart girl that everyone thinks I am. I've been saying this for a while but I have two completely different personalities for when I'm at school and when I'm not at school. I'm just coming to the point where I only want one personality, my true personality. There's honestly nothing wrong with my image however it's hard to live up to being the nice smart one when there are times when you feel neither nice nor smart. I think this conception of me wanting to be my own person goes along with my dreams of university. When I think of university I always envision myself by myself. I don't think about following my friends around or doing what other people expect me to do. I just want to be me for once in my life even if I don't really know who I am.

Today I woke up to the absolute best news ever! I checked my email to see there was an email from the university I applied to and I got accepted! You do not know how relieved I am that everything worked out. It was the only school I applied to so I worried about not getting in. It was an early acceptance so it's conditional but as long as I keep doing well in school there are no problems. I just feel so relieved and so happy, this is the best day ever!

Maybe What She Told Me Was True

Some people can't be alone. Some people can be alone. I'm alone all the time but I can't stand it. I can't stand being lonely and I absolutely hate being single. For all of my life, I've had a crush on someone. Although I'm not the type to go from boyfriend to boyfriend, I always have a crush. In grade eleven I had no crush for the first time so I began to convince myself that I was in love with my ex. I've been in this state ever since. There are no guys at my school that I'm interested in so I cling onto the one I used to have. Even if deep down I know if he actually showed interest in me I wouldn't want him. I understand fully that he's not the one for me yet I hang on because I worry there will be no one else. It's been over two years, what's so wrong with me that no one else would like me? Why isn't there someone for me?

I told this to my best friend some time ago. She told me that I shouldn't worry about things like that. The guy who I want and wants me, he exists, I just haven't come across him yet. He could go to a different school or live in a different country. He could be someone I walked by on the street or someone I will bump into on the street later on. I could meet him in my university class or he could be the waiter at a new restaurant my friends make me try. He could be the guy I never noticed in class or the one I never knew had feelings for me. He could be the guy I meet at the airport when both our flights get delayed or he could be the guy I meet in a club downtown. The possibilities of where I could meet him or when he will come in my life are endless and it's kind of exciting. I'll never know when he'll show up but it makes me happy thinking of when he will.

People Of The Public

For someone who loves staying at home and generally dislikes people, I have a bit of a strange view on the general public. I don't mind random people talking to me. As I've grown up and started to go to everyday places by myself I've begun to realize this. Say if I'm at the grocery waiting at the checkout and someone else in the check out begins to chat with me I'll happily chat back. Or if a cashier begins to talk with me I'll have a little conversation with them. I enjoy it when people come up and talk to me because, despite the fact that I'm an introvert, I like it when people notice me and talk to me. Although there are limitations to this. I'm fine with women of all ages talking to me, probably because I'm a woman as well and women generally feel 'safe' to me. However, when it comes to men that's where age becomes a factor. I'm generally okay with guys who are around my age and younger talking to me but I'm only okay with older men if they don't give off a creepy vibe. Being a young female I have experienced creepy guys looking at me strangely and I hate it. So if a man comes up to me and he seems creepy to me I won't talk with him, I'll just leave as quickly as I can. But as long as someone doesn't seem creepy or dangerous to me, I'm more than happy to have a conversation with them. I like to feel connected to the rest of the world and it kind of makes me sad how often people in the public just ignore each other. I understand some people are having tough days and just want to be on their own but for those like me who like having conversations with people, it would be nice if we had more courage to just say hello to the people around us or chat when we have something in common. I think it would make the world seem like a friendlier place.

Being a Young Child of Divorce

I was seven years old when my parents divorced and I never thought much of it. Although I knew friends who had divorced parents like me as a kid most of my friends had parents that were together. As I grew up this changed and now most of my friends have parents that are divorced. Divorce is a really normal thing in society and because of this I never thought my parents' divorce had any effect on me. I read an article that sparked a lot of thoughts that made me realize that it probably did affect me.

Even if I try my hardest I can't remember any memory of my parents together. I have memories of my young childhood and of a time when they were together but I never remember them being happy or loving to each other. All I remember of them when they were married, was them fighting when they thought my brother and I had fallen asleep. I completely understand why my parents divorced and I know it's for the best. It's not that I ever wanted my parents to get back together but just that it would have been nice to grow up with parents who love each other. The article explained that multiple things can happen to kids of divorced parents as they grow up, the one that relates to me is distancing yourself from people. I always assumed it was just my personality to not want to get close to anyone but maybe it's because I'm afraid they will leave just like my parents. I have a mentality of it's better not to get close to someone than to get hurt because I have a history of being hurt by the people close to me, not just family but also friends.

The most interesting point is something I've thought about previously when I was in a relationship. I come from a divorced family, I have commitment issues, I'm not sure I believe in love and I leave when things get too real. He was the exact opposite; his parents were together, he had no trouble thinking about the future, he fully believed in love and wanted to stick around. I've always had this idea in my head that even if a relationship starts out great, over time things will get worse and you'll grow to hate each other. I came to the conclusion that instead of waiting around for that to happen I would just stop the relationship when it seemed like it was time to save myself from the heartbreak. While this was all going on, I was very confused and troubled because I couldn't understand why I was so scared when he seemed completely sure of us.
A quote I really like from the article that relates to this is, "Perhaps someone will try to love you and you won't know why you won't let them, why you're looking for reasons to leave. Until it hits you like a bolt of lightning straight into your brain that why you're looking for reasons to leave is because all you've ever known is leaving."
I really wish I would have found the article back then because maybe I would have been able to understand what was going on with me and maybe I wouldn't have ended it with a guy I still really liked just because I was scared.

In the end, I'm very happy my parents divorced so they could live their own lives. I'm sure I would be quite messed up growing up with parents that don't love each other so I think things turned out the best they could. Although even saying that, I still ended up being affected by the divorce. I think it taught me that I shouldn't trust or depend on people because they'll just leave anyway. There were things that happened in my life that proved my ideas to be true, so I can't blame it all on the divorce. I think reading the article has really helped me because I've never been able to talk about the divorce or my commitment issues to someone who understands and reading it felt like reading my own thoughts. It's like that moment when you finally find someone who understands you but instead of it being a person, it's an article.

I Guess I'm 18 Now

It's my birthday today which makes me eighteen which mean I'm sort of an adult. Honestly, I don't really care about my birthday. Turning eighteen is quite boring because you don't really get to do anything new besides voting. The nice thing about my birthday is the fact that there is a school dance tonight so I get to go out and have fun with my friends instead of sitting at home and eating candy. Overall I can't complain about today, it's been nice. Best of all my best friend stopped the annoying thing she used to do where she would wait until the very last second to tell me happy birthday which would make me quite sad because I always worried that she forgot.

I was excited coming home from school today because I got to open the presents my family got me. My mom got me a lot of nice, practical things plus a really nice perfume I've been wanting. However, I don't think anything will beat what my brother got me. I'm in love with this game series called Ape Escape but it's been impossible to find the second game (there are three I have the other two) and without my knowledge, he found it and got it for me. I wasn't expecting it at all and I was overjoyed when I opened it. I also got 100% on my math test today so it's been a good day :)

Lies And Miscommunication

In my late teenage years, I have come to the realization that I despise lies and miscommunication. When I was younger I used to believe lies were okay and that if they spared someone's feelings then it was okay to lie, now my views have changed. I still think white lies are fine, like when my mom asks if I'm awake in the morning and I say yes even though I'm cuddling up in my bed with my eyes closed. However, I don't like other types of lies. I absolutely hate it if people lie to try and save my feelings. I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth. I understand people are trying to be considerate but I'd rather deal with the truth then live thinking a lie is the truth. Sometimes the truth is hard to hear and sometimes it seems like a lie would be better to save someone the heartbreak but you are going to experience the heartbreak anyway so why not be honest instead of stall with a lie.

I don't know, maybe I just hate lies because I think it hides people's true thoughts and intentions. Honestly, this all probably stems from something that was said to me that I can't figure out if it was a lie or the truth. Most likely it was a lie which the person thought was the truth at the time. If it was truly the truth then I feel bad about how I responded in that situation however if it was a lie I feel furious that he would say something like that and have no meaning behind it. Maybe you're lost by what I'm saying since I'm not mentioning the situation but all I'll say is that it's something you yearn to hear and that when you do hear it, it is usually a romantic moment. However, this all happened through text message so I have no way of knowing the truth.

That brings me to my next grievance, miscommunication. Nowadays everyone seems to love texting because it's so quick and easy. I, however, hate texting. It's good for simple conversations but horrible for real in depth conversations. So many moments of miscommunication has happened through texting and I feel like if I had had those conversations in person instead of in a message things would have worked out better. I think texting creates a distance between people and it becomes almost impossible to know their true feelings or intentions. One thing I can say is never ever break up with someone through a text. Although it's a lot easier than seeing the person face to face, it's an awful way to break up. You are unable to have a real conversation about why the relationship didn't work out and how you two feel and instead, everything gets miscommunicated. All the other person is hearing is "I'm dumping you" and you end up angry, feeling like they never cared about you at all because they aren't expressing their feelings. You don't get to see them get sad or angry or disappointed, you just get emotionless texts. Seems like I'm bringing up too many old stories again. It seems to be no matter how hard I try to move on I keep coming back. Miscommunication was our fatal flaw.