Lies And Miscommunication

In my late teenage years, I have come to the realization that I despise lies and miscommunication. When I was younger I used to believe lies were okay and that if they spared someone's feelings then it was okay to lie, now my views have changed. I still think white lies are fine, like when my mom asks if I'm awake in the morning and I say yes even though I'm cuddling up in my bed with my eyes closed. However, I don't like other types of lies. I absolutely hate it if people lie to try and save my feelings. I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth. I understand people are trying to be considerate but I'd rather deal with the truth then live thinking a lie is the truth. Sometimes the truth is hard to hear and sometimes it seems like a lie would be better to save someone the heartbreak but you are going to experience the heartbreak anyway so why not be honest instead of stall with a lie.

I don't know, maybe I just hate lies because I think it hides people's true thoughts and intentions. Honestly, this all probably stems from something that was said to me that I can't figure out if it was a lie or the truth. Most likely it was a lie which the person thought was the truth at the time. If it was truly the truth then I feel bad about how I responded in that situation however if it was a lie I feel furious that he would say something like that and have no meaning behind it. Maybe you're lost by what I'm saying since I'm not mentioning the situation but all I'll say is that it's something you yearn to hear and that when you do hear it, it is usually a romantic moment. However, this all happened through text message so I have no way of knowing the truth.

That brings me to my next grievance, miscommunication. Nowadays everyone seems to love texting because it's so quick and easy. I, however, hate texting. It's good for simple conversations but horrible for real in depth conversations. So many moments of miscommunication has happened through texting and I feel like if I had had those conversations in person instead of in a message things would have worked out better. I think texting creates a distance between people and it becomes almost impossible to know their true feelings or intentions. One thing I can say is never ever break up with someone through a text. Although it's a lot easier than seeing the person face to face, it's an awful way to break up. You are unable to have a real conversation about why the relationship didn't work out and how you two feel and instead, everything gets miscommunicated. All the other person is hearing is "I'm dumping you" and you end up angry, feeling like they never cared about you at all because they aren't expressing their feelings. You don't get to see them get sad or angry or disappointed, you just get emotionless texts. Seems like I'm bringing up too many old stories again. It seems to be no matter how hard I try to move on I keep coming back. Miscommunication was our fatal flaw.

I'm Sick

I woke up Friday morning feeling sick. I had no previous feelings of sickness before Friday and I don't remember being around anyone who was sick so it was strange. Progressively through the weekend, I got sick and sicker. At first, it was just a mildly annoying cold which turned into the cold from hell.

It began as a sort of sore throat which over the course of two days turned into a sore throat, cough, runny nose, stuffed nose, headache, and a fever. I generally have a pretty good immune system and when I do get sick it's usually just a sore throat. I think the last time I was sick like this was when I was six years old. I'm feeling okay right now even though I feel more like a big ball of mucus than I do a human. Although I tend to feel the worst in the mornings and at night so it's probably just going to get worse than this. Yea for being sick!

*chibird always cheers me up :)

Pretending

It seems to be that in my life everything works best if I just pretend things are different than they actually are. I'm aware of reality but if I truly lived in reality it would be a lot harder to get up in the morning. My life isn't bad per say but if I didn't pretend it's different, I would be sad all the time.

How to explain this...? In complete honesty, I'm extremely lonely and stressed out. However living in this reality does me no good so I pretend that I'm not lonely or stressed out. Even though I'm unsure of whether or not I truly have any friends if I pretend that the people around me truly like and care for me I feel better. Even though I stay up late worrying about my future and happiness, if I pretend everything is fine, I feel better. Even though I feel like a pathetic loser for liking the person I like, if I pretend I don't like him, everything is good. My life seems to work this way. It's nothing to be sad or upset about, it's just how things have to be for now. I wish things were different but for now, I just have to pretend things are different until I can figure out how to change things.

Chef Skills

I'm super proud of myself tonight. My mom went out so I had to cook dinner for myself which I actually enjoy doing. I'm in the process of improving my cooking skills so I like to be able to mess around with meals. It also gives me a chance to make things my mom doesn't usually make. Tonight I went for spaghetti carbonara which I will admit isn't that advanced but it's above the usual quesadillas I make.

I'm in the process of eating it right now and oh my god, it's so good! I didn't know I could make something that actually tastes good. Most of my meals are kinda tasteless or neutral tasting but this one is delicious. It's by far it's the best thing I've ever made although it did cause me to make quite the mess in the kitchen but I'll clean that up later :P

My phone doesn't want to upload the picture so here's one I found on the internet...

New Years Eve

When it comes to new years I prefer to stay home. I'm not at the point yet where I'm interested in the partying scene so I have no reason to go out. New years kinda goes the same way every year so I try not to think of staying home as a bad thing.

Back when I was younger I was obsessed with the idea of a new year kiss. I used to spend every new year dreaming about it even when I was sitting alone in my room. One year a family that is friends with my family came over and they had a son who is the same age as me. I thought that it was finally the year for my new year kiss even though I was thirteen and could barely even talk to the guy. Our families played a few games together and then, to my disappointment, they left way before midnight. To this day I've never had a new years kiss but after having some experience kissing I kind of realized that silly kiss scenarios like that don't matter. Not having a new years kiss isn't something to be sad about.

So this year I'm happily sitting at home alone. I really think people overvalue the partying side of new years and don't think enough about the ending of the year. I like to spend new years thinking about the year that has passed and what I have done. I think deeply about my experiences and the passage of time so that I can make the new year better than the year that has passed. Maybe I like to think too much but I think it's important to take a little time out to appreciate the new year. There are so many chances and experiences that have happened and so much more yet to come. It makes me happy especially after having a bad year to get a whole new year to try again. Even though they are silly, I enjoy new years resolutions because I'm always looking for ways to improve myself and my life.

Overall I'd like to wish you a happy new year! Depending on where in the world you are it may already be the new year but where I live it's one of last time zones to hit the new year so I'm still waiting. Have an incredible new year that I hoped is filled with all the love and joy you deserve :)

Personal Questions

To me, there is nothing more stressful than questions about my interests. It seems like a normal thing to talk about what you like but I try to avoid it at all costs. I kinda know why I do it but it's a pretty cowardly reason. When someone asks me a question like, "What kind of music do you like?" or, "What do you do in your spare time?" or, "What are your interests?" I'm dumbstruck. It's not that I don't know the answers to these questions, as a person I know what I enjoy and what I don't enjoy but I just hate telling people. Generally, I have to be really close with someone or feel that we have a great connection for me to be comfortable talking about myself. The reason for this is that I'm constantly afraid of being made fun of or judged by the things I like. I don't care if someone makes fun of me or judges me based on what they observe of me but it's a lot harder not to care if you tell someone something personal and they made fun of you for it. I want to tell people about myself and have them get to know me but I guess I'm still scared of getting too close or personal with anyone.
 

What Happened To My Day?

Yesterday I made a mental checklist of things I had to do today. It contained three things: Christmas shopping, baking cookies, and cleaning my room. I honestly thought it would take only a couple of hours to do these things. Although I kept thinking about it so much that I couldn't sleep properly and woke up at 10:30 am (for morning people it's like waking up at 5:30 am).

The day started well. I was able to get my brother out of the house at the right time and it seemed like shopping would be a breeze. After three hours of shopping, we finally got home. Once home it was dinner time then it was time to bake the cookies. Yeah...Christmas cookies take a lot longer than they seem to. That wasted a couple more hours. I never did get around to cleaning but I did put one load of laundry on so that's um something.

Now here I am at the end of my day. A couple of minutes ago I checked the time to see it was midnight. I thought I made some kind of mistake because it only felt like the early evening but it actually is midnight.

Despite doing quite a bit, I'm really confused by how fast my day went. Maybe I'm just tired but my brain is all weird and I really don't feel like the day happened at all. It did happen but it went by so quickly it feels like it never happened if that makes any sense. Since Christmass is coming up soon my next few days are going to be a lot like this one but that's okay.