I Want to be Committed but not Serious

When I was young I used to get caught up in the idea of a fairy tale romance, where you meet your soul mate and live happily ever after together. When I discovered that fairy tale romances don't exist in life, I showed my first signs of being a commitment-phobe.

Not to have a big head, but I tend to find great guys to date. No one is without their flaws but I tend to go for the type of guys who are nice, smart, and will never hurt you. Also known as "safe" guys. The only problem with safe guys is that they require a lot of attention and commitment, that doesn't work so well for me. Anytime a relationship has gotten too serious I usually freak out and search for a reason to break up.

To me, there is a difference between a committed relationship and a serious relationship. A committed relationship is simply when two people decide to only be with each other and not see anyone else. I cannot be in a relationship that is not committed. However, a serious relationship is one that is going somewhere. In a serious relationship, you are merely in the first stage on track to forever. You make plans far into the future, you settle down, spend your weekends gardening, you seriously think about getting married, you spend evenings discussing baby names, etc. I'm not sure if it's the commitment-phobe in me or the fact that I'm twenty years old but I don't want a serious relationship right now.

I love my boyfriend, but I'm worried we are getting into serious territory. Although our age difference is small, we are at different stages in life. He likes to talk about future plans, trips we'll go on, spending forever together, and it scares me. This is the problem because I want all of those serious commitment things but just not anytime soon. I want to think of our relationship without a timeline, no future plans, no promises. Just whatever happens happens. In short, I just want to have fun and live life freely. I don't know how to communicate my feelings though because I feel like whenever I try to explain it, it sounds like I don't want a relationship at all. I want the commitment, I don't like worrying what I mean to someone, but I don't want to feel like I'm chained down.

What I Used to Think Relationships Were

Before I fell in love I had an awful view of what relationships were like. In the beginning, things would be lovely. You and your partner would just connect. You'd be able to talk for hours. You would laugh all the time. Just being around them would make you happy. Over time things would start to become repetitive and boring. The things that were once funny aren't and suddenly the person who used to understand you doesn't. Nothing would have provoked this change, just time itself. Of course, fights would start happening and soon enough you'd break up.

I've been dating my boyfriend for eight months now, obviously not that long in the scope of life but pretty long for me (longest past relationship= two months). We still laugh until our faces hurt like we did in our first month of dating. We carry on completely random conversations that come out of nowhere, never running out of things to talk about. It's been eight months and I still like him just as much as when I first met him. We still don't fight and we still get along scarily well.

I've told my boyfriend what I thought relationships were and sometimes he'll bring it up and say things like, "It's been eight months, is our relationship boring yet?" and I'd, of course, say no. I can't even imagine a point in time where being with him will be boring or a time when he won't be able to make me laugh. Every day I'm with him I just fall in love all over again. I know that a lot of the time people grow apart in relationships or that small annoyances turn into big issues but I also know that sometimes people are happy together for long periods of time. I have yet to experience if a lasting love is real but at least now I feel like it's possible and that's a big step from thinking every relationship is doomed.

Baby Obsessed

For my entire life, there has only been one thing I've always been absolutely sure I wanted to do, have kids. It's never been a societal pressure thing or an expectation, I just really want to be a mom someday. It's great that some women don't want to have kids and want to focus on having a career or traveling but that's never been me. I mean if it were possible I'd love to be a housewife. I don't ever admit that I'd like being a housewife because I feel like people would look down on me for it. Like they would think I have no goals or aspirations and just want to live off my husband. I just really enjoy doing hobbies and cooking and organizing things so I feel like I'd be a good housewife. In reality, I'd probably just be a housewife while my kids are young and once they start school I'd either go back to work or, in an ideal world, work from home. Basically, I'm just a homebody. 

Anyway getting back to the original topic of wanting kids, I've been baby obsessed for as long as I can remember. I always loved babysitting because kids are so cute. I also want to find a part-time job at some point where I can be a camp leader or a daycare worker or something involving kids because I love them so much. The bad thing about being baby crazy is having to be realistic. I mean I really want to have a baby but I'm smart enough to know that doing that while I'm 20 and still in university is a terrible idea. I was just as baby crazy as I am now when I was 16 and again I had to remind myself that I was much too young because the thing about having a baby is that I want to do it right. I want to be in a loving marriage, with a place of my own, a career I enjoy, and savings to provide for the baby. I want to give my kids the absolute best life possible which is what I remind myself everytime I think, "It would be really fun to have a baby right now." 

Summer Thoughts

As it gets closer and closer to summer, I'm becoming a bit delusional. I think I'm putting a bit too much pressure on summer and I have way too many plans. I keep thinking about all the things I want to try, like writing a good novel, starting a good youtube channel, drawing good pictures, etc. The good may seem unnecessary but I've done all those things before and this time I want to create things I'm actually proud of. While I'm in the creative mood it would probably be a good idea to fix up this blog as it's become a bit of a mess (well it's always been a mess but that's beside the point) and I'd like it to also be something I'm proud of. I'm thinking maybe plan out my posts instead of just randomly typing and posting my thoughts. I also want to spend a lot of time relaxing and doing cliche summer things such as going to the beach, going to the lake, wearing bikinis all the time, eating popsicles, and doing on weekend trips.

Most of all, my strangest thought has to do with my boyfriend. He'll be moving here in two months and I'm really excited about it but my brain is a bit confused. For some reason, my thoughts seem to imply that I need to make this summer the best one possible because I won't see him again after that. My boyfriend is moving here for good so I'm not sure why I can't wrap my head around the fact that he won't be leaving after a couple of months. I guess I haven't really come to terms with the fact that we will actually be able to have a normal relationship because the whole time I've known he we have been long distance. I'm sure the adjustment will go well but it's oddly scary to transition from a long distance couple to a "regular" couple.

What It's Like to be in a Long Distance Relationship

It's terrible because I love you so much that I feel like my heart is going to burst. I just want to scream it to the sky but I know even then you are too far away to hear it. I go to sleep lonely every night wishing you had your arms wrapped around my waist and your body pressed against mine. I spend my days thinking about all the incredible adventures we have ahead of us but in my free moments I count and recount the days until you get here. I want to kiss you all the time but we spend so much time apart I can't even remember what your lips feel like. I just think back to our last visit and I'm consumed with thoughts of I should have kissed you more, I should have spent more time with you, I should have made it absolutely clear how crazy I was about you when I had the chance to. Now I try to communicate my feelings through skype sessions and silly emojis but there are some things words can't say. Words won't tell you what it's like on a lonely night when I'm wearing your sweater that I've avoided washing for two weeks because I want to hold on to the last trace of something that smells like you. I can't explain how much I crave you in every sense. How much I want to be near you, to touch you, and to talk to you without a computer screen separating us. I have to watch happy couples going on the dates I want to go on and do the things I want to do with you.

It sucks most of all because I know that it's not only me that feels this way, our pain is amplified because we both feel it. We are both miserable being apart. We are counting down the days, watching relationship milestones go past as we just pray that time will speed up and we'll be in each other's arms again. The only redeeming fact about our situation is that we have each other. The only reason we put ourselves through this torture is because of the intense love we feel for each other. The love that is so strong not even 4000km can get in the way. So yes long distance relationships are awful but in the end, I have you, so it's worth all the pain.

Learning a New Relationship Lesson

There are many lessons when it comes to being in a relationship that I have not yet learned. Recently, I've been having a mini freak out at the thought of my current boyfriend being my last boyfriend.

Obviously, I have no idea if he'll be the guy I end up with but so far it seems like it might end up that way. My boyfriend is incredible, he's literally everything I've ever wanted and more. We get along really well and have similar beliefs and opinions. So there have been thoughts that have crossed my mind along with, what if I have settled down already? What if I'm done with dating forever? I'll never be able to go out with any other guys. There are so many guys in the world, how will I deal with never being able to have a chance with them?

I already knew the answer to this problem before it even became a thing I thought about but I think I needed a reminder. I went out for my 20th birthday and since my boyfriend and I are long distance, he obviously couldn't come out with me. I went to a club and I literally did not care about any guy there. I kinda looked around and all I could think was "insert boyfriend's name here" is better. There were even guys that came up to me and my friend who were asking us to hang out with them or dance or whatever, and I just did not care. Going out just reminded me of how great I have it and how thankful I am to be with my boyfriend.

So if my boyfriend ends up being the last guy I ever date, I'll never have regrets about that. If he's the one I settle down with, great. If I'm done with dating forever, thank god. If I never get a chance with any other guys, that's probably for the best since none of them are better than my current boyfriend anyway. However, I know it's early both in my relationship and in my life so there's no guarantee I'll end up with my boyfriend but if I do, I will never be upset about my lack of experience with other people.

Having it all Together is Overrated

I am soon to turn 20 which sounds very adult. A lot of the time I worry that I'm too immature and I don't think seriously enough about my future.

I'm currently a university student studying biology. For the past two years, I assumed I would focus on the cell/molecular side of biology and end up doing lab work. In the last week, after telling my boyfriend about my life decisions that make no sense, I remembered that I dislike microbiology and that it's extremely similar to cell biology. So I've decided to change my focus to ecology and zoology.

The point of this is that I am nowhere near having my life together. I have no idea what I'll be doing in three years when I graduate university. I don't even know what I'll be doing in three months when I'm done with this semester. I decided not to work this summer or take classes because I've been going nonstop since I graduated high school and I'd like to take a break while it's still an option. Part of me wants to do some volunteer work like planting trees or getting rid of invasive plant species or taking care of animals, but another part of me just wants to lie around and go on dates with my boyfriend. I'm well aware that I can do both but I just haven't come to decision yet.

When I look at other people my age I'm kinda in awe because they seem so adult and I seem like a little kid. I wonder how they look so together and polished when I can't even be bothered to put in contacts.

I think it's great that they are doing their best and trying their hardest to live the best life possible but you shouldn't feel bad about yourself if you don't have your life together. The great thing about being in your 20s is that you aren't supposed to have it all figured out. It's the time in your life when you can be selfish and make mistakes. Yes having it all together is ideal but I think it's overrated. Making mistakes, doing stupid things, and messing up will teach you way more about who you are and want you want in life than being perfect ever will.