My Inspiration

I went to see Wonder Woman recently mainly just because I like superhero movies. I definitely didn't expect it to have such a big effect on me. My favourite superhero was Spiderman because of his quick wit and relatability but I don't think I can say that anymore. After watching Wonder Woman I don't think I can ever call anyone but her my favourite superhero.

The beginning of the movie started with introducing the Amazons and young Diana. There were no men seen for about the first 30 mins of the movie. I felt a rush of emotions come over me that I at first brushed off thinking my hormones were out of whack or something. As the movie continued I realized that those emotions were not just hormones. I felt an overwhelming rush of emotions because I was seeing a female superhero being strong on her own for the very first time.

I have seen females in superhero movies before but every time they are either sidekicks or part of a team. I'd never seen the old Wonder Woman movie and to be honest I didn't know much about her. I feel like because she is a female superhero no one really pays attention to her. People will always say that Superman or Batman or Spiderman or whoever is their favourite superhero but I've never heard anyone say that Wonder Woman is their favourite, especially not men. I think Wonder Woman is great regardless of the fact that she is a woman. I think her strength, bravery, integrity, and beliefs are the real reason she is my favourite.

I never really thought about how representation is important to me as a woman. I was always the girl who would pick the female character in any video game even if she was the weakest character. I complained about any game that didn't give me the option to pick a female character, wondering why so many games refused to include them. Even though I complained, I never really thought it was that big of a deal. That was until I watched Wonder Woman which almost brought me to tears multiple times just by watching a strong, independent woman proving to everyone that she was strong despite her feminity. Representation is important, not just for women but for everyone. Everyone should be able to have a role model that they feel represents them. For me, it happens to be Wonder Woman.

One Handed Struggles

I recently went over to my boyfriend's place for a little date night. We planned to have a chill evening cooking together and watching movies. Things started off really well. We went down to the store to buy some food for dinner then made a strawberry daiquiri each (with very little alcohol in it) before cooking. After making dinner we sat down and watched some tv together. It was when we were doing dishes that thing took a bad turn. He was washing and I was drying. After a couple of dishes, I noticed the blade from the blender and thought to myself that I needed to be careful. I dried it carefully or so I thought until I felt the blade slice my thumb. I dropped it and turned to my boyfriend uttering a pathetic, "Help me." I knew blood was gushing out of my finger and I was trying to stay calm while internally worrying it was a deep cut and that I needed to go to the hospital. After a bit of a panic to find the first aid bag while I held onto my finger so tight my opposite hand went numb, he was able to clean me up and cover the wound.

Now I have a cut right below the top joint of my right thumb. It's not a deep cut thankfully but significant enough that clots formed to seal it up. Since the placement is bad I can't move my thumb which means I can't grip anything with my right hand which makes it basically useless. Being one handed is really annoying, more so since I can only use my nondominant hand. There is a bunch of stuff I can't do now like putting in contacts, putting on makeup, anything to do with my hair, cooking anything that needs prep, and most embarrassing of all, putting on my bra. I've been skipping most of those things but the bra thing is kinda necessary so I need to employ help to do it up. Overall I just feel extremely pathetic.

Can't Make Up My Mind

I have this issue right now that is kinda annoying me. When my boyfriend is with me and hanging out at my house I want space but when he is gone I miss him like crazy. I feel like I can't make up my mind on whether or not I want to spend time with him.

I don't know if it's because we just ended our long distance relationship but whenever he goes home I feel extremely clingy. I want to send him tons of messages and pictures and videos. I know I can but I also know he has stuff to do so I try not to express my clinginess. Weirdly enough when I am actually with him I don't act clingy at all, in fact, I probably act distant. I really don't know what's wrong with me.

I really have no solution to this problem. I just kinda needed somewhere to express my feelings so this post is kind of a dead end.

Reunited

Our relationship started in a way that made it seem impossible for it to go anywhere. I was nineteen years old, fresh out of a relationship, and playing around on Tinder. I stumbled upon a guy from the other side of the country who was in town visiting and we matched. We went out on a date that turned into two dates that turned into constant texting that turned into a long distance relationship. Four months later he came to visit me and five months after that he moved to my town.

A couple of days ago I was waiting at the airport in disbelieve that our long distance relationship was finally ending after nine months apart. Then all of a sudden he walked through the gate and we were reunited.

My anxiety was off the charts the first day we spent together. I was so nervous my body was shaking uncontrollably, my stomach was flipping and flopping, and my body temperature was soaring. I had waited so long to see him then once I finally could my body perceived him as an unknown person. After taking some time apart for me to calm down, I began to feel elated and excited to be around him again. Finally, it felt like our reunition was real.

We have a date tomorrow and I'm so excited I might not be able to sleep tonight. I have my outfit all picked out and my bag packed already. Despite being apart for only a couple of days I miss him a lot and I can't wait to see him again. I'm thrilled we are finally a normal couple who doesn't have to worry about our next parting.

I Want to be Committed but not Serious

When I was young I used to get caught up in the idea of a fairy tale romance, where you meet your soul mate and live happily ever after together. When I discovered that fairy tale romances don't exist in life, I showed my first signs of being a commitment-phobe.

Not to have a big head, but I tend to find great guys to date. No one is without their flaws but I tend to go for the type of guys who are nice, smart, and will never hurt you. Also known as "safe" guys. The only problem with safe guys is that they require a lot of attention and commitment, that doesn't work so well for me. Anytime a relationship has gotten too serious I usually freak out and search for a reason to break up.

To me, there is a difference between a committed relationship and a serious relationship. A committed relationship is simply when two people decide to only be with each other and not see anyone else. I cannot be in a relationship that is not committed. However, a serious relationship is one that is going somewhere. In a serious relationship, you are merely in the first stage on track to forever. You make plans far into the future, you settle down, spend your weekends gardening, you seriously think about getting married, you spend evenings discussing baby names, etc. I'm not sure if it's the commitment-phobe in me or the fact that I'm twenty years old but I don't want a serious relationship right now.

I love my boyfriend, but I'm worried we are getting into serious territory. Although our age difference is small, we are at different stages in life. He likes to talk about future plans, trips we'll go on, spending forever together, and it scares me. This is the problem because I want all of those serious commitment things but just not anytime soon. I want to think of our relationship without a timeline, no future plans, no promises. Just whatever happens happens. In short, I just want to have fun and live life freely. I don't know how to communicate my feelings though because I feel like whenever I try to explain it, it sounds like I don't want a relationship at all. I want the commitment, I don't like worrying what I mean to someone, but I don't want to feel like I'm chained down.

What I Used to Think Relationships Were

Before I fell in love I had an awful view of what relationships were like. In the beginning, things would be lovely. You and your partner would just connect. You'd be able to talk for hours. You would laugh all the time. Just being around them would make you happy. Over time things would start to become repetitive and boring. The things that were once funny aren't and suddenly the person who used to understand you doesn't. Nothing would have provoked this change, just time itself. Of course, fights would start happening and soon enough you'd break up.

I've been dating my boyfriend for eight months now, obviously not that long in the scope of life but pretty long for me (longest past relationship= two months). We still laugh until our faces hurt like we did in our first month of dating. We carry on completely random conversations that come out of nowhere, never running out of things to talk about. It's been eight months and I still like him just as much as when I first met him. We still don't fight and we still get along scarily well.

I've told my boyfriend what I thought relationships were and sometimes he'll bring it up and say things like, "It's been eight months, is our relationship boring yet?" and I'd, of course, say no. I can't even imagine a point in time where being with him will be boring or a time when he won't be able to make me laugh. Every day I'm with him I just fall in love all over again. I know that a lot of the time people grow apart in relationships or that small annoyances turn into big issues but I also know that sometimes people are happy together for long periods of time. I have yet to experience if a lasting love is real but at least now I feel like it's possible and that's a big step from thinking every relationship is doomed.

Baby Obsessed

For my entire life, there has only been one thing I've always been absolutely sure I wanted to do, have kids. It's never been a societal pressure thing or an expectation, I just really want to be a mom someday. It's great that some women don't want to have kids and want to focus on having a career or traveling but that's never been me. I mean if it were possible I'd love to be a housewife. I don't ever admit that I'd like being a housewife because I feel like people would look down on me for it. Like they would think I have no goals or aspirations and just want to live off my husband. I just really enjoy doing hobbies and cooking and organizing things so I feel like I'd be a good housewife. In reality, I'd probably just be a housewife while my kids are young and once they start school I'd either go back to work or, in an ideal world, work from home. Basically, I'm just a homebody. 

Anyway getting back to the original topic of wanting kids, I've been baby obsessed for as long as I can remember. I always loved babysitting because kids are so cute. I also want to find a part-time job at some point where I can be a camp leader or a daycare worker or something involving kids because I love them so much. The bad thing about being baby crazy is having to be realistic. I mean I really want to have a baby but I'm smart enough to know that doing that while I'm 20 and still in university is a terrible idea. I was just as baby crazy as I am now when I was 16 and again I had to remind myself that I was much too young because the thing about having a baby is that I want to do it right. I want to be in a loving marriage, with a place of my own, a career I enjoy, and savings to provide for the baby. I want to give my kids the absolute best life possible which is what I remind myself everytime I think, "It would be really fun to have a baby right now."