Stupid Body Insecurities

When I was younger I praised myself on the fact that I never put down my body. While other people were complaining about the stupidest little imperfections, I promised myself I never would. I'm sad to say that I broke that promise.

I'm not sure when the first time I did it was, but I started to put down my body. I started to spend more time in front of the mirror than I ever had before inspecting my body to see if my stomach was flat yet or if my thighs looked smaller. After realizing I had started to gain weight those insecurities got worse. It was then that I decided that I needed to start working out and being more careful about what I ate since I ate quite a bit of junk food. I'm back to a weight I'm happy with but I'm still not completely happy with my body.

Have you ever done worn something that slightly shows off your insecurity then spent the whole day trying to hid it? I have. I wore a shirt that was tight on me so my stomach stuck out a bit. I spent the whole day trying to suck in my stomach and hide it. I'm pretty sure no one would have noticed my stomach stuck out a bit if I was more confident in myself but I'm sure I looked weird trying to hide it all day.

Let's face it. No one else notices these body "imperfections" except you. In your mind, you probably think everyone is thinking about it when they look at you but they aren't. I had the right idea when I was younger because there is never any reason to put down your body. Unless you work out all the time and follow a really healthy diet, you probably won't ever have a "perfect" body but that's okay. Even people with those "perfect" bodies still have insecurities about themselves. Although there is nothing wrong with working out or dieting, just remember that you won't magically become happy because you lose weight. You only become happy with your body when you accept it as it is and stop letting those stupid little things make you feel like your body isn't good.

Am I Able to Fall in Love?

I know eighteen is a young age. Not understanding love at this age is normal. I know many people who have never had a relationship by this time and I also know people who have. To anyone older than me this is probably a silly question, you would probably tell me that I would understand love better when I am older and that I shouldn't worry about it. But I do. There is this part of me that truly believes I'm incapable of falling in love.

Without realizing it there has been a change as I've grown up. When I was younger I was full of love. Even when I obviously had no chance I carried on with crushes for years at a time. If he showed attention to another girl I'd be sad for a day then fall for him all over again the next day. I don't have that kind of dedication anymore.

I haven't had a serious crush on a guy in around three years. The last guy was someone who I could honestly see myself falling in love with. However, when things didn't turn out how I wanted them to, I wasn't upset. I simply picked myself up and moved on. I used to flip flop a lot about my feelings for my ex even though I knew for a fact I didn't love him however when it came to the guy I actually could have fallen in love with, once it was over, I never flip flopped.

When it comes to new guys there have been a couple of quick crushes but none lasted more than a week. It seems to be that I fall for a guy quickly but lose interest quickly as well. Recently there was a guy I met that I really liked and it seemed like things would work out differently but they didn't. I'm really starting to worry that I won't ever fall in love.

Getting Over Lab Anxiety

I'm not sure lab anxiety is a real thing but that's what I'll call it. Basically a couple of months ago when I started university and experienced labs for the first time, I freaked out. My biology lab was fine because it was basically just looking at stuff and microscope work. Physics was the middle range and chemistry was the one that really stressed me out.

For biology and physics labs the work was done in partners so if I ever felt like I didn't know what was going on I could just ask my partner. In chemistry there were no partners, you were completely on your own. This was a big thing that scared me. There was also the fact that I had never been in a chemistry lab and did very few chemistry experiments in high school.

Even now I still have anxiety about my chemistry labs but it wasn't like it was at the beginning. After my first lab I got really anxious and the night before the second lab I was feeling really ill and tried desperately to figure out a way to miss it (since you can't skip labs without a doctor's note). I wasn't physically sick, it was just the anxiety that was making me feel like that. I ended up skipping my other classes that day but I made myself go to the lab. I did the experiment just fine but I was still shaky and didn't know my way around the lab. I had another freak out writing my lab report for the first time since my calculations wouldn't make sense. It took me around six hours to write my first report.

I think the only thing that helped me get over my lab anxiety was just going to the labs and getting used to the whole process. At the beginning of the lab, I still spend the first ten minutes or so looking around in confusion despite the fact that I read over the lab at least six times. However, I'm able to think about the labs without getting sick and I can sleep well the night before a lab so I think I've improved quite a bit. The only way I've ever been able to deal with my anxiety was to just do the thing that made me anxious, although it's hard, once I get used to a situation my anxiety calms down.

Funny thing is that I like my chemistry lab the best now. It's really hands on and I think I learn a lot by having to do everything on my own. It's easy to tell what you are getting marked for and there's no final lab exam, unlike biology.

Why I Choose My Major

It may seem a little weird for someone who is naturally good at English to pursue a degree in science. I, myself, question a lot why I chose to do what I'm doing now. However, there is a big reason why I decided to go down this path.

Throughout high school, I was quite bored. I felt buckled down since many of my classes I was forced to take. The class I was best at was English, however, my favorite class was always science, or biology when the sciences split up. Despite the fact that I could get high marks and receive praise for my English assignments I never put much effort into them and I honestly didn't care about the subject. Although I love writing, the thought of going to English class everyday numbed my brain.

Science, on the other hand, wasn't something that came naturally to me. I had to actually be engaged and work on it in order to understand. I became fascinated by all the diverse areas and I liked learning about why things did what they did. Biology was my key interest. Although many people took biology in high school because it was easier than chemistry or physics, I took it because I wanted to. To me, there was no better class at my high school than biology. I even took marine biology; it was a fun, interactive course but it made me realize I was unsuited towards it so now I'm probably going to pursue a human related field.

When it was time for me to decide what I wanted to study when I went to university I didn't even question my choice. Although I was undecided until my last year of high school, once I made the choice I was certain The reason why was that to me there was nothing left to learn in English. I could probably get through an English degree quite easily but it didn't seem worth it to me. I chose science because there are so many things I don't know about science. There are so many things I don't think I would be able to learn about if I didn't choose it as my area of study. I can always read books and improve my writing on my own but when would I get an opportunity to learn advanced science concepts? That's why, even though it's quite tough for me, I'm glad I choose sciences. The workload may be hard but I think it will lead me towards a place I want to be.

Lower Expectations

I'm really pathetic. Honestly, you'd be surprised what university had reduced me to. Let me explain.

Back in high school (I'm saying it like it was a long time ago even though it was less than six months ago) I was a student with an 83% average. I wasn't super smart but by my grades, I was considered above average. Now in university, I get excited when I find out I passed a midterm. Yup, I was almost an A student and now I get excited about passing.

It's quite sad when you think about it but I'm cutting myself some slack since it has been tough adjusting to university. I'm still trying to figure out how different professors teach and mark. Although I've been making mistakes I've also been trying to learn from them which I think is the important part.

My excitement about my marks depends on the subject. I got the same midterm mark for both chemistry and biology. I was over the moon about chemistry because I was sure I failed but I was extremely upset about biology because I thought I knew what I was doing.

It's okay for me to have these low expectations for now because I can't get upset and lose motivation for doing well on my finals since finals are the part of the course that actually matters. A low midterm mark is fine as long as I do better on the finals. Just like they say you can't let one bad day get you down, you also can't let one bad mark (or multiple bad marks) get you down. One day it'll be better so keep trying until you reach that day.

I Don't Know What to Do

I've been in university for two months now and I'm starting to question what I want to do with my life. Currently, I'm not failing any of my classes but I'm not doing that well either. This is the main reason why I've started to second guess my choices. These are the things I've been considering lately.

1. Just continue what I'm doing. I love biology but right now I don't even feel like I'm studying biology since I'm so busy with the other required sciences. My grades are quite low and I'm worried I'm not cut out for sciences and that I won't be able to make it through my required courses. Despite that, I could just persevere and try to find the will to keep going.

2. Transfer to pacific and Asian studies. The only course I'm actually enjoying right now is my modern Japanese culture class. Although I don't have any of the required classes I'd need for this program, I could switch into it since it's something I find interesting. If I go this route I'd probably end up being an English teacher in Japan.

3. Transfer to writing. Writing has always been a passion of mine. Ever since I was in grade seven I did as much writing as I could and even before I was serious about it, I liked to write little books when I was a child. Even now I haven't really given up on becoming an author one day. If I chose to do this I'd have to transfer programs and I would have pretty much wasted an entire semester since none of the courses transfer.

4. Quit university and go to college to become a nurse/dental hygienist/something along those lines. Maybe the problem is that university is too intensive. I see my friends doing well in college maybe that's something I'm more suited towards. Since I used to want to be a doctor maybe being a nurse would suit me or I could be a dental hygienist since I've always liked teeth.

5. Quit school altogether and get a job. Here I could give up completely and just find an entry level job somewhere probably as a secretary or sales associate. If I did this I would probably feel less stuck in life since I would feel like I was actually doing something because I was working and getting paid although it's highly likely I would regret this choice later on.

Honestly what I really want to do is number one but the problem isn't what I want to do, it's what I'm capable of doing. Right now I just feel like such a failure since I can't even get a good mark in biology which is what I'm supposed to be studying. I kinda planned to just get by with chemistry and physics but the fact that I can't even do well in biology is unnerving. I wish I had some motivation to do something, anything. I just feel so stuck and no matter how much I tell myself I should be studying I just can't find the will to do it.

Friends

To be honest I always feel bad about myself because I don't have a lot of friends. I have this idea in my head that everyone else has dozens of friends and I'm a loser because I don't. I hate being in public places without a friend because I feel like I look pathetic. It seems like everyone else has a great social life and it's just me who doesn't.

The big thing is that in these insecurities I'm not even thinking about myself at all. I'm the type of person who likes to keep to myself. I want to have friends to go out and have fun with but I don't crave socialization like other people do. Sometimes I feel bad about never having gone to a party or anything like that but in actuality, I have no interest in those sorts of things. I like to talk to people but I don't like approaching people first. I want people to like me but I don't really care if they don't.

The reason I'm talking about all this is because I've kinda realized that I was rushing the whole making friends at university thing. I guess I felt like I was behind everyone else since I live off campus. To be honest I'm actually quite happy with how things have been going. I think I need to accept that I'm doing the best I can and just take things easy instead of freaking people out with my need to make friends fast. I've made one new friend so far which is good. I shouldn't be comparing myself to others. The best thing to do would just be to relax and let things naturally happen.