New Years Eve

When it comes to new years I prefer to stay home. I'm not at the point yet where I'm interested in the partying scene so I have no reason to go out. New years kinda goes the same way every year so I try not to think of staying home as a bad thing.

Back when I was younger I was obsessed with the idea of a new year kiss. I used to spend every new year dreaming about it even when I was sitting alone in my room. One year a family that is friends with my family came over and they had a son who is the same age as me. I thought that it was finally the year for my new year kiss even though I was thirteen and could barely even talk to the guy. Our families played a few games together and then, to my disappointment, they left way before midnight. To this day I've never had a new years kiss but after having some experience kissing I kind of realized that silly kiss scenarios like that don't matter. Not having a new years kiss isn't something to be sad about.

So this year I'm happily sitting at home alone. I really think people overvalue the partying side of new years and don't think enough about the ending of the year. I like to spend new years thinking about the year that has passed and what I have done. I think deeply about my experiences and the passage of time so that I can make the new year better than the year that has passed. Maybe I like to think too much but I think it's important to take a little time out to appreciate the new year. There are so many chances and experiences that have happened and so much more yet to come. It makes me happy especially after having a bad year to get a whole new year to try again. Even though they are silly, I enjoy new years resolutions because I'm always looking for ways to improve myself and my life.

Overall I'd like to wish you a happy new year! Depending on where in the world you are it may already be the new year but where I live it's one of last time zones to hit the new year so I'm still waiting. Have an incredible new year that I hoped is filled with all the love and joy you deserve :)

Personal Questions

To me, there is nothing more stressful than questions about my interests. It seems like a normal thing to talk about what you like but I try to avoid it at all costs. I kinda know why I do it but it's a pretty cowardly reason. When someone asks me a question like, "What kind of music do you like?" or, "What do you do in your spare time?" or, "What are your interests?" I'm dumbstruck. It's not that I don't know the answers to these questions, as a person I know what I enjoy and what I don't enjoy but I just hate telling people. Generally, I have to be really close with someone or feel that we have a great connection for me to be comfortable talking about myself. The reason for this is that I'm constantly afraid of being made fun of or judged by the things I like. I don't care if someone makes fun of me or judges me based on what they observe of me but it's a lot harder not to care if you tell someone something personal and they made fun of you for it. I want to tell people about myself and have them get to know me but I guess I'm still scared of getting too close or personal with anyone.
 

What Happened To My Day?

Yesterday I made a mental checklist of things I had to do today. It contained three things: Christmas shopping, baking cookies, and cleaning my room. I honestly thought it would take only a couple of hours to do these things. Although I kept thinking about it so much that I couldn't sleep properly and woke up at 10:30 am (for morning people it's like waking up at 5:30 am).

The day started well. I was able to get my brother out of the house at the right time and it seemed like shopping would be a breeze. After three hours of shopping, we finally got home. Once home it was dinner time then it was time to bake the cookies. Yeah...Christmas cookies take a lot longer than they seem to. That wasted a couple more hours. I never did get around to cleaning but I did put one load of laundry on so that's um something.

Now here I am at the end of my day. A couple of minutes ago I checked the time to see it was midnight. I thought I made some kind of mistake because it only felt like the early evening but it actually is midnight.

Despite doing quite a bit, I'm really confused by how fast my day went. Maybe I'm just tired but my brain is all weird and I really don't feel like the day happened at all. It did happen but it went by so quickly it feels like it never happened if that makes any sense. Since Christmass is coming up soon my next few days are going to be a lot like this one but that's okay.

Seriously Why Am I Scared?

A couple of weeks ago I got invited to a Christmas party and tonight is finally the night of the event. Although I know it's just going to be a fun gathering with my friends, I can't help but feel nervous. I'm kinda having that feeling where even though I want to go I'm also scared to go. It's something I experience often and I've learnt that if I just push past that feeling I'll be fine. If I don't go I know I would feel bad and regret it later so I'm trying to assure myself everything is fine and that I'll have a good time.

We are also doing a secret santa thing that makes me really nervous. I've already bought the present and thankfully I'm close with the person I bought it for so I don't have to worry too much about her not liking it. The part I'm nervous about is that I don't know what type of secret santa it is. Is it just you get a secret present and later you're told who bought it for you or do you have to guess who bought it for you? I really hope I don't have to guess because that makes me really nervous because I'm horrible at guessing.

I know this is all irrational worrying and that everything will be fine but I'm just nervous right now. I'm sure I'll come home tonight and be super glad that I went. So for now I'll end this with a merry christmas/other winter holiday in case I don't make another post before christmas.

Don't Be Afraid To Show People You Care

I remember a time when I used to wait to send a reply to a text message based on how long it took them to reply to me. If they took five minutes to reply, I would take six. Later I began to question why I did that. Why I was wasting my time tip-toeing around people? I was afraid to show people I cared. I wanted to come off as a busy person but instead, all I was doing was wasting time. Why should I be afraid to be eager and show people that I want to talk to them? Why did I think it was wrong for me to care about people?

For a long time, I've always been afraid that people don't like me. I used to be so scared that no one liked me that I didn't want to show anyone I liked that I liked about them in fear of being embarrassed if they didn't like me. However, I just don't care anymore. I don't care about hiding my affection for people. I will text people within two seconds of getting their text even if it took them twenty minutes to reply. None of those stupid things bug me anymore because they never should have bugged me in the first place. It doesn't matter how long it takes someone to reply as long as they reply. Even if you text someone and they don't reply at least you showed an interest in them and showed them you cared instead of just waiting around for them to text you. You should never be afraid to show someone that you care because everyone wants to feel like people care about them.

Late Night Thoughts

Currently, I'm in the process of reading a book for English which I'm really enjoying. Part of it takes place in Japan and shows not only the good parts of living in Japan but also the bad parts. This made me think about how no one really goes to a place to experience the bad and even being a person who enjoys culture, I would still only want to see the good of the places I will visit.

From here I began to think about my trip to Ontario/Quebec and how I enjoyed Montreal a lot because of how different it was. The buildings were unique and the split between old and new Montreal's architecture was fascinating. I remembered being sad that people spoke both English and French so well because I wanted to challenge my French abilities but never got the chance. 

I then thought of Toronto and how fascinated I was by the thought of taking a train everywhere. I imaged myself as a student in Toronto taking a crowded train to school. The train would stop suddenly and I would almost fall into the cute student reading a textbook less than an inch away from me. Part of me would sort of hope that I did fall so I would have an excuse to talk to him and have a TV show like romance with the boy I met on the train. Then in the future, I would be a hardworking business woman on the way to my job in which I would kick ass and change the world. But in actuality, I'm just a high school student in a small town.

I began to think of my own life and the future I wish to come true in a year. How I want to take the bus every day to my university classes, sit around in their beautiful library, and try to work up the courage to talk to the incredibly cute guy in my program. I don't know why I like the idea of public transport so much lately. I've never even been on a bus by myself before. I guess to me it's a lot more interesting than driving a car. I know a car is faster but you miss out on all the weird and wonderful people you could see on the bus. I think public transport is more interesting and meaningful than a boring, lonely car drive. Not many people would agree with me though, it's all about convenience, not experience. For the past six years, I've just been getting through my days. I want to start enjoying them. I know I put too much hope on university but it's my dream right now so I'd like to enjoy it to my fullest. By enjoy it, I don't mean go to University parties, get drunk at clubs, or hook up with every cute boy I see. I've never been interested in that type of enjoyment. Although I enjoy dancing, I'm not a party girl and I'm way too monogamous for hook ups. I just want to observe people and live in my little university town, enjoying whatever turns life gives me. 

Well I should get back to my book, my reading section is due tomorrow and it's already 1:41 am. 

Getting My Health On Track

I've always been quite a healthy person despite my somewhat poor nutrition. Generally, I don't get sick very often and I'm able to endure things that most people's bodies can't handle. Most days I don't eat until noon, sometimes 3 pm depending on if I have lunch that day or not. I go to sleep late every night. However, these bad habits never used to affect my health until recently.

I blame it on growing older but my body just can't handle what it used to handle. My stamina is at an all time low from not exercising. I get out of breath from a couple of flights of stairs. I can no longer handle not eating, I have to eat breakfast and lunch or else I feel faint and sick. I just want to point out I never skipped meals for dieting reasons but it's just that I'm always running late in the morning or have club activities at lunch so I skip meals to save time. I think it's a good thing my body can't handle it anymore because it's a very unhealthy thing to do. Overall I eat a lot of snack foods and my health is deteriorating because of my poor nutrition.

I've started to do some research on healthy foods and how to make my diet more healthy and nutritious. I always blame school on me not being able to get myself on track but I don't want to do that this time. Homework or not, it's important that I get my health under control before something bad happens. I think a lot of young people have the same kind of idea as me that if you're young you don't really need to worry about your health but I think it's a naive way of thinking. You can get away with more when you are younger but you aren't immune to health issues, if you have bad health it's going to affect you. To me, my health is important and I'm going to treat exercising and healthy eating as a priority because they are priorities. I hope this time I can actually stick to my word instead of falling back into bad habits.

My Little Experiment

I take a creative writing class at school so I write a lot of stories however I've never once handed in a true story. I decided to change that and do a little bit of an experiment. A while ago I wrote a story doing an overview of my first relationship from the beginning to end in a story format. I was a bit curious if anyone would catch on that it was a true story but in order for me to get real results I couldn't give it to anyone who knows it's true. I let a good friend at school and my creative writing teacher read it, neither one of them knew it was a true story.

In writing, you generally can't tell truth from fiction (if you have good enough writing skills) but I made a few mistakes that could have given it away. I referenced events that I never explained in the story a couple of times, one of the big reveals of the downfall of the relationship was something I never even explained and didn't make much sense. I have since gone on to edit it and it makes more sense now.

I got really good feedback from my teacher about it the story. She said, "It really captures adolescent love with an admirable and brave honest and cander, well done." This kind of caught me off guard because the way she was talking about hoe honest and straightforward it was made me worry that she had realized it was real but then I realized she had no way of knowing if it was true or not. The comment that really punched me in the gut was when she commented, "What a nice guy she's chucking away." This is something I've struggled with a lot, feeling like I gave up on a perfect person and when I read that comment it hit me hard.

Overall I don't regret handing in the story. It was quite interesting to see that it really is impossible to differentiate truth from fiction. I know if I had given it to my best friend she would have figured it out right away. There is one thing I'm a little curious about, what would happen if my ex-boyfriend read the story? I'm pretty sure he would catch on but there's a little piece of me that wonders if maybe he too would think it was just a story. I don't think that experiment will ever be done though. I've learned to keep what's in the past, in the past. Of course, there's nothing wrong with using it in stories but I can't dwell on it anymore, I wrote it all out, now I'm done.

I Seriously Love Kids

Tonight I babysat for an adorable five year old girl. I've babysat her before and I always really enjoy it because she's a great kid. It was so much fun playing around with her and listening to her cute little jokes. There was one point where we were watching TV and she got up from her spot then came and sat beside me while sprawling herself across my lap. It was seriously the cutest thing. When I had to leave and she asked me for a hug so I picked her up, hugged her, and spun her around then put her down. Her mom dropped me off at my place and as I was walking to the door she kept waving and saying goodbye, it was so cute!

Seriously it's kinda a good thing I don't babysit very often because whenever I do it makes me wish I had a kid. Obviously not right now but it makes me wish I was at the age where I could be a mom. It, of course, doesn't help that babysitting only shows you the good stuff about kids (well unless you get a difficult kid) but still I love kids. They are just the cutest, funniest little things in the whole world.

*drawing by http://andersonmahanski.deviantart.com/

I Can't Wait To Change My Image

Besides from a few periods in my life I've always looked the same. There were times when I dyed my hair blonde and once when I had blue streaks in my hair but besides from that, I've always looked normal. I've been dreaming a lot lately about how I'm going to change my image for university. My plan is to go for a cool yet smart look. I'll be losing my glasses, wearing makeup regularly, cutting my hair short, and wearing clothes that represent who I am. My hair is quite long right now and I think cutting it short will cause me to stop hiding behind my hair.  Overall it'll be slightly more mature but I think it will represent me as a person better.

My personality has never changed in my entire life, not that most people's do. I'm not saying I'm going to go crazy or anything but I'm just sick of the mold I've been forced into. Ever since grade three I've been going to school with the same people because of, that I've always been afraid to change things about myself because too many people know me. I feel like I have to maintain the image that I have even though I no longer feel like it fits me. Since becoming a teenager, I've changed a lot in the way I think and act however I never show this to anyone but my friends. To people I don't know I put up a front that tends to drive people away from me because I come off as cold and reclusive. Honestly I don't want people to think of me that way, I want people to know me as a fun kindhearted person but I've never been able to do it. Next year in university I will be separated from most of the people I know, despite going to a local university. For the first time I'll be around people who have no expectations or opinions of me, thus finally getting a new start. I intend to make the most of this and finally change my image, something I've been waiting to do since I was thirteen years old.  

Um We Haven't Learnt That Yet....

The number one thing I hate in a teacher is when they are disorganized. I realize that they have a lot of students to deal with and that it's tough being a teacher but it's hard being a student of a disorganized teacher.

I have one teacher this year who is very.... interesting. I mean he's not the worst teacher in the world but he doesn't meet the standard set by my other teachers. That class always starts late and I always leave feeling as though I've learned nothing. I could handle this class until it got to the point it did last class.

We got handed a worksheet full of questions we had never learned to do. At first, I was confused and thought I had somehow missed a day even though I hadn't. Then I tried to teach myself how to do the questions with the textbook. My teacher then did all the questions on his own without any explanation to us. Honestly, I think he skipped a day or something because he didn't seem to realize we had never seen those kinds of questions before. We got some questions to do at home, which included a super hard version of one of those questions. I could follow what was happening with the other worksheet sheet but with this new one, I had no idea what to do because I never got a chance to practice the questions on the first worksheet. Now I'm utterly confused and have no idea what I'm doing.

All My Wishes Revolve Around Food

Since Christmas is coming up I have to start thinking about what kind of gifts I want. Since I'm not a kid anymore I'm passed the point of wanting a whole bunch of toys so now it's harder to think of what I want. Generally, there isn't anything I want but my family is always bugging me for a wishlist so I've been trying to come up with one.

Here's my trouble. All the things I can think of are food. Lately, I've really wanted to try this ramen shop downtown but there's no one who will go with me. On a similar note, I'm also craving macarons but my mom won't let me have them because she thinks they are too expensive. I could buy them myself but I'm too lazy. I also want chocolate covered strawberries but I'm too lazy to make them plus strawberries are out of season. Those are the only things I can think of that I want and none of them are suitable gifts.

I know I still have time to decide but it's tough. I have quite different tastes than the rest of my family so I can't just say buy me some clothes or jewelry because they'll get me weird things I don't like. After last year, I just really don't want Christmas to happen. My friends are all excited but I'm just dreading it. I don't want presents, I don't want to decorate the house, I don't want to set up a tree, I don't want to bake, and I don't want to hear any Christmas music. I don't want any of it. I just want to eat yummy food that doesn't involve a turkey and stuffing.

*creds to Natalie for these super cute macarons,

if they were sold near me I would eat them all!

I Wish I Could Behave Normally At School

I've traced the cause of my personality issues at school down to one single thing, I'm not awake. Obviously, I am awake but school happens too early in the day for me to bother to have any personality at all. This results in either: people thinking up stuck up or people thinking I'm boring. Like all the times my friends say that I'm the only one who doesn't annoy them or piss them off, if I was acting normally they wouldn't be saying that. I just come off that way because I don't act like myself at school.

My best friend and I have spent years talking about this but nothing has changed. She says I just need to try harder but I blame the morning and the fact that school is annoying. I mean I like learning but I never feel like a human being at school. It just feels like I'm put on pause for six hours. However, school is really the only time I leave the house on weekdays so it's annoying that the only time I see people I'm not acting normally.

I really hate how I act at school because I personally think I'm awful. Even though I'm a lot more annoying naturally, I prefer that version of myself. At school, I can't think of comebacks or witty things to say. I'm not funny or entertaining. Most of my humor comes from being annoying and doing/saying stupid things. This is especially true when I'm hanging out one on one with someone and I feel the need to say everything I'm thinking. Even though I know it pisses some people off, I wish I could be my natural silly, annoying self all the time.

Taste of Adulthood

Today my mom dropped me off at school at 8:30 am and since then I've been completely on my own. It's now after dinner and I can say I've had a good taste of what it's like to be an adult living on my own.

I've handled my own transportation, walked my dog, feed my dog, made myself dinner, and done the dishes. I know to normal people those aren't out of the ordinary things to do but they aren't things I'm used to doing. If I compare it to living on my own, school is work, and my dog is my child. Obviously, it's not the same but it's the best prototype I can get.

Although it's been an interesting day, it's kind of lonely at home. I'm not used to being alone all day. It's sort of sad to think one day I'll be living on my own without seeing my family every day but I guess that's growing up.

Here's a photo I took while walking my dog...

Trying To Get Myself Back On Track

I feel like I learn all my life lessons a lot later than most people. Here I am in my last year of high school and my daily routine is still a wreck. I still haven't learned how to wake up, keep my stuff clean or manage myself at all. When school first started I was doing really well but then things went downhill...

I've been quite bored lately because I've had nothing to do. That's a lie though, I have a lot to do I'm just not doing it. Today I decided I would finally try to get myself back on track after a month of slacking off. I want to finally start doing all the things I've been putting off. I have lots of time so I may as well do it. From this day forward I will be focusing on three main things that I can hopefully keep track of from now on. My three focuses are:

School
(keeping track of homework, doing my online work, preparing for scholarship applications and preparing to apply to university)

Cleanliness
(keeping my room clean, keeping my bathroom clean, doing my laundry and keeping my bed tidy)

Myself
(personal hygiene, happiness, communication with people and relaxation)

*if only I looked this cool, I couldn't find the artist
but it definitely wasn't me because this drawing is incredible

I'm Worried

Maybe it's because I've had a weird day, maybe it's the result of taking a nap at 5 pm but something feels very off about me today. In the grand scheme of my life, this year is looking to be one of my best. Things finally seem to be going right yet I can't help feeling like everything is wrong.

I don't know why this popped into my mind today but I can't stop worrying about myself. Lately, I haven't wanted to go to school. There's nothing I want to avoid at school but I keep making up excuses not to go. This year I'm having more anxiety attacks than I ever have before. Suddenly I can't be around new people without wanting to throw up and I can't do presentations in class without shaking. I don't contact friends. I don't write stories. I don't do anything.

Why this is happening is a mystery to me. My only guess is that I'm scared to graduate and move on in my life. I don't know if that's the reason or if I might be getting depressed again. It's been a couple of years since that period in my life and although I don't always feel 100% I feel a lot better than I did back then. Maybe I'm just having a bad day but I'm losing sight of what I want.

I don't what's happening to me. I don't know why it's happening. I don't know what to do to stop it from happening. Maybe I just need a break. Maybe when winter break comes, the stress of school will stop and I'll be able to think of something other than the math homework I haven't done yet.

I don't know how to end this post or why I'm even posting it in the first place. Probably for the same reason I post everything else, but this post seems neither helpful to others nor helpful to myself. Oh well. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine but today nothing's fine at all.

I Like Trying New Foods

Growing up I was an extremely picky eater. I wouldn't drink milk unless it was chocolate, I would only eat the yolks of eggs, I refused to eat fatty parts of meat, and so on. However, I finally started to try more foods when I joined cooking class in grade ten. It was because of this class I became used to more seasoning on food and I actually started to like peppers.

This year I've tried to expand myself even more. Currently, since I'm slowly removing meat from my diet. I've also been wanting to try a lot more different food. Some of the foods I've come to love are dragon fruit, sweet potatoes, tofu, and spinach. I'm actually surprised at how good some of the things I used to hate are. As I'm writing this I'm eating my first ever sweet potato and it is absolutely incredible. Unlike yams which taste like mashed carrots, sweet potatoes are well... sweet potatoes. I love sweet things so it's a perfect match for me.

The overall point of this post is to try new things. You never know what you might end up liking. Even if you don't end up liking it at least you know you aren't missing out on something incredible.

Overly Excited About Things That Haven't Happened Yet

Since it's my last year of high school I've obviously had to do a lot of planning for my future. I have a lot of my preliminary steps planned out (where I'm going to school, what program I'm doing, where I'm living, etc) and it makes me excited thinking about my next stage in life.

When I entered high school I was in a bad place and I never really got to enjoy high school. I've felt bored, uninterested, and like my time has been wasted. It's been a process trying to improve myself and get to a place where I can open up to people again, which has just been a big stressful struggle.

University, on the other hand, is this really cool exciting thing. I'm looking forward to not relying on my mom anymore and being able to take care of things myself. Even though I'm staying at home I want an experience like I'm away from home, ex. making my own way to school, doing my laundry, cooking for myself, and basically becoming self-sufficient.

My best friend and I are also talking about going on a trip after we graduate which is exciting. I've gone away without my parents before but this trip would just be me and her and I'm really looking forward to it. Also, most of my friends are staying in town which will be great although hardly any of them are going to the same school as me. One of my friends is also taking about a group of us going clubbing once we are old enough which sounds fun as well.

Honestly, anyone who says being a teenager and being in high school is fun, is lying. Your twenties and university are when things actually get interesting. Being able to do things on your own and having no restrictions is going to be the best. I can't wait!

Too Old To Trick Or Treat, Too Young To Die

I'm currently stuck at the annoying age where there is absolutely nothing to do on Halloween. I'm too old to go trick or treating and too young to go out dancing at clubs. It seems like this year people are either going to parties or doing absolutely nothing, I fall under the absolutely nothing category.

Normally people would go to haunted houses or watch scary movies but I'm a scaredy cat. I mean as a person I really like Halloween but as a seventeen-year-old, it's just an annoying day where people bug me about not having plans. My friend mentioned that she wanted to do something but no plans have been made so I'm guessing nothing will happen. It kind of annoys me that she wants a plan because I'd be fine just walking around or doing whatever. Oh well, I don't really care anyway. I already had my fun at the Halloween dance.

Using My Potential as a Student

I'm not the type of person who gets good grades without effort. On the flip side, I'm also not the kind of person who studies all the time. I'm the type of person who can easily grasp onto subjects once I take a little time to go over them. I've always had the potential to be a great student but I've never really used it.

This year, however, since I'm in my last year of high school I've decided to put in as much effort as I can to get the best grades possible. Since I'm aiming to go to university, that means not only do I need the grades to get accepted but I also need the grades to be able to receive academic scholarships. It's only been a couple of weeks and I've yet to see any grades but I feel like things are going well. 

It seems to be that in my school career my grades tend to get better and better each year. Especially since I've been in high school I've noticed my marks increasing each year. I think this is mainly because when a subject bores me or is too easy I won't put in any effort but when subjects become more challenging I enjoy them more and put in more effort. Basically the contrast between a class like math and a class like English. Although I'm naturally better at English I achieve a better mark in math because it's something I have to work for whereas English I can pass without doing anything.

My Driving Anixety

When I was sixteen I was excited to start driving. I got my learner's license a couple of days after my birthday and although driving didn't always go well I enjoyed it. By the time I turned seventeen I was able to take the driving test so I could drive by myself. I delayed it for a couple of months but eventually took the test and passed the first time. When I passed I didn't believe I deserved it because my driving wasn't perfect.

The first time I drove by myself was great. I was really excited to drive and do things by myself. However, I quickly realized that driving wasn't a fun thing. I suffered from some very common beginner's mistakes which made me feel like I was an awful driver. Although I was aware of my mistakes, I had trouble correcting them and soon decided that I shouldn't be driving. Honestly, I don't think I'm a bad driver but my fear makes me feel like I am. I don't really know the exact moment it happened but I developed driving anxiety. 

Now I can't drive without feeling anxious. Even short drives to places I know cause me an extreme amount of stress because of that I haven't driven in months. Driving, however, is something I'm going to have to do. Right now I can get away without it but in a couple of years I'll be on my own and I'm going to need to drive places. I want to start driving again but I haven't fixed my driving anxiety at all. I don't know where to begin, it feels like I have to start all over.... 

Update and Letting Go...

I was reading over my posts, as I sometimes do, and I happened to come across my one called, My Mom Ships Us. At the end, I mentioned there would be future posts about what would happen after I joined a certain class. Although I'm sure no one really cares, I'm going to update

Before I said I was going to join a class that a certain guy was in because I didn't want to do my online course. I even told my mom and my friends I was going to do it which means I was serious about it. I went to the counselor's office and I asked to join that class. Although it made me really nervous to do this, I managed to work up my courage... only to find out the class was full. From there I had two choices: continue my online course or ask the teacher if he would let me join.

Now I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but I strongly believe that there is a reason everything turns out the way it does. When I heard the class was full, my gut feeling told me I shouldn't push it further. Not only would talking to the teacher make me incredibly nervous but I was also nervous of what the guy would think of me going to such measures to join his class and it felt kind of creepy to me. In the end, I decided that joining the class wasn't meant to be and I gave up.

I'm still kind of sad that I lost the opportunity to rebuild my relationship with that guy but life seems to be telling me it's not the right time. Although I do see him once every two weeks in the mandatory grade twelve course, it just doesn't seem like we are going to get any closer. Even after two years has passed nothing has changed. We are just as awkward as we were when we first broke up.

I guess the time has come to finally let go once and for all...
I'm sorry I couldn't fix my past mistakes.

Horror

I do not like horror. Whether it's a horror movie or a horror game, I cannot handle it. I'm easily affected by suspense and jump scares which make up about 90% of horror. Even though I'm well aware of this I seem to forget about this phobia sometimes. There will be times especially around Halloween when I want to watch a scary movie or go to a haunted house even though if I went through with my plans I would just spend the whole time deafening everyone around me. I think that if I had the right horror partner I would be able to get through scary movies/haunted houses/horror games/etc. however, the only people I know either hate horror or will make it worse for me. If I had someone to comfort me then I think it would be fine however they'd have a lot to deal with since I would be screaming and hugging onto them the whole time (just picturing that in my head makes me laugh).

Switching sides completely I also have a second side when it comes to horror related things. If I watch a video of someone playing a horror game or watch someone get scared, I don't find it scary at all. I actually find it really funny and I get a strange enjoyment out of watching people freak out at horror stuff. I don't know what this says about my personality though... I understand why I'm not scared because obviously it's not me and I'm not in any danger but should I really be getting enjoyment out of people getting scared? My answer is yes because it's fun :P

...a totally productive and life changing post....

Growing Up Caused Me To Grow Down

When I was twelve I stopped trick or treating because I thought I was too old for it. Around that age, I was committed to the idea that I needed to grow up and stop doing childish things. However, as I've started to grow up, I've realized that having a grown up attitude is no fun at all. In all aspects, it's better to enjoy things rather than hate them but I didn't realize that when I first became a teenager.

For about three years I stopped trick or treating and I also stopped enjoying Halloween. Every year I would just sit inside, eat store bought candy, and watch cheesy movies by myself. It was just as lame as it sounds. However, last year I went out trick or treating and it was a lot of fun. Of course there were some people who gave us weird looks because we were teenagers but we didn't care and I loved the variety of candy I had afterwords. This year I want to do it again because it's my last year of high school and soon I won't be able to get away with it anymore. I've come to realize that a lot of the people I know have that same attitude I had when I was twelve, they think it's childish and stupid. Luckily I have a friend who is just as childish and immature as me who thinks it's a good idea.

Honestly, I don't care what people think when I say I want to do things such as trick or treating. I tried way too hard when I was younger to grow up that now I want to do as many silly things as I can before it's too late. There's no shame in having fun and acting like a kid again because if you think about it seventeen is a kid. In the scope of my life I'm still young and immature so why not act like it while I can get away with it. I'm not saying go out and do stupid things, just do things you enjoy without any regrets. I know if I don't do these things now, one day I'm going to look back and wish I had.

My Mom Ships Us

I know I've been doing a lot of posts lately but I just want to tell this story really quick.
So my mom knows about the guy I'm interested in and she actively wants us to be together. She'll randomly come up with scenarios in which we start dating or something romantic happens between us and a funny situation happened recently of this nature.

I was telling my mom about this issue I had about whether or not I should join a class. I told her that I was worried about catching up and stuff and she didn't really seem to care. She was pretty indecisive and gave me the typical, "It's up to you honey, do it if you want to." However, I then told her that my main worry was that the guy I'm interested in is in the class and as soon as I said that she became interested and told me I definitely had to join that class. It was so funny how quickly my mom's attitude changed once I mentioned him.

If you're curious about the outcome, I am going to join that class and I'm guessing there will be later posts about what happens. Also, I'm not joining the class just to be with him, I've been stressing out lately because I need this course for university so this is just the smart move to make.

I'm Pathetic

I don't understand it all at... I've spent so much time trying to get over this and rid myself of these feelings. Every time I get so close. So close I feel like I've finally moved on. Then I do something stupid. I start to see you around the halls. I start to see you everywhere I go even when you aren't really there. My mind deludes me and I begin to wonder about you. Wonder if you wonder about me. I can only endure this state for so long before I contact you. We begin to talk and I feel all happy.

I wonder if you ever wanted me to move on at all... If you were absolutely done with me and wanted nothing to do with me, you wouldn't reply so fast. I try to tell myself that you don't like me because you don't text me first but whenever I text you, you reply in seconds. You confuse me you know that? Suggesting things that seem out of place. Why are you so nice to me anyway? You'd think that you'd hold some resentment towards me but you don't. You were always so nice and treated me so well. If you were a jerk than it would have been easy to move on but I have nothing against you. No reasons to tell myself no when I feel like I want to be with you. 

It sucks you know, feeling this way. I feel like I'm such a pathetic hopeless person. But you know if I hated it so much, I would have moved on by now... 

Life Like an Anime

Do you ever get moments in your life that feel like anime scenes? My life is nowhere near an anime, it's neither interesting nor exciting. Sometimes, however, I will have these moments that feel like they came straight out of an anime. This may be a weird manifestation of my love for anime and me wanting to have an anime life that I make my life seem more like one than it is but lately stuff has just been happening.

When I say anime scenes I'm talking about the ones out of romantic, slice of life animes. First of all, I had an assembly where I was practically sitting right behind my "love interest" and I kept thinking about it and how close I was to him and I couldn't help but look over at him. Kind of like in an anime where a girl sits behind a boy she likes and gets all cute and nervous about it. The next one happened only an hour later when I went into what I thought would be an empty classroom to get my bag. When I stepped inside there was a group of guys hanging out at the other side of the room. I locked eyes with one who happened to be my "love interest", shocked that he was there I quickly snatched by bag off the floor and left without another look. Today another moment happened, I was walking down the hall, looked ahead and saw the guy walking down the stairs. While looking at him a girl came quickly around the corner and almost crashed into me, I felt embarrassed and lost sight of him.

This may just be me but these things seem like typical things that would happen in an anime. Maybe I'm just searching for meaning where there is none but it seems weird to me because I never see this guy around. I don't have any classes with him yet suddenly he keeps showing up. I feel like a maiden in love who's having a lot of convenient anime things happening to move her closer to her crush. I'm no maiden and he's no crush and we definitely aren't in an anime but sometimes I wish we were. If we were in an anime, then maybe there would be some sort of hope for us. There could be a big build up scene where we finally confess our pent up feelings and realize that we should be together. At the end of the day, life isn't an anime and I'm just a hopeless girl longing for the past.

My Method Towards Relationships

Today I was watching a show on relationships which covered many different types of relationships in detail which was refreshing since relationships are often portrayed halfheartedly. What I mean is that they are always negative or positive, you never really get to hear about the gray areas. Thinking about the gray areas, I began to think about what I am like around people I like and what kind of things I do to try and win them over.

In my life, I have followed two different patterns. The first strategy was intense feelings of love with little to no action. The second strategy was guarded feelings and straight forward action. It's a bit hard to decipher which method is better because they both worked in such different ways.

With intense feelings of love and little to no action, I was able to fall deeply and innocently in love with someone without actually making any move towards them. This method put my heart fully on the line. I never had my heart broken with this method because I never confessed. However, it hurt me as I was getting over the person because I realized I was giving my heart out too easily to people who didn't want it.

After hitting that realization I had a shift. This is when I began to safeguard my feelings but approached things more straightforwardly. I began doing this because I didn't want to waste so much time on people who didn't like me. With the other method, my crushes were lasting for years but with this one, they only lasted for a couple of months. I would confess my feelings to them and move on if they didn't like me. I've confessed my feelings properly to two guys in my life. With one guy he rejected me but I never put my heart into it so it didn't hurt me thus the beauty of this method. The other guy had mutual feelings for me and we dated. However, because I was so used to safeguarding my heart, I was unwilling to openly give my heart to him. This defensiveness caused a lot of problems and resulted in my worst broken heart caused by myself.

I've been trying to merge the two patterns together after realizing the mishaps of being too careful. Clearly, there is no way to prevent yourself from getting hurt when you like someone. I've had countless crushes in my life and only one person has reciprocated my feelings so I know quite a bit about one-sided love. If I've learned anything about relationships it's this: keep a tight hold on your heart until you find out if your feelings are reciprocated or not, if they are you have to let go of your heart and give it away or else it will be suffocated in your hold. If the feelings aren't reciprocated keep holding onto your heart until they are. One day you'll find a person worthy of giving your heart to.

Maybe I Am Growing Up?

I'm not sure what it is lately but since going back to school I feel more grown up. Maybe it's being the oldest in the school and feeling like an adult among children. Maybe it's the more demanding classes. Or it might be the responsibilities I've had organizing a project for a charity campaign my school does. No matter what the reason is it's a weird feeling for me. I've always felt like a child that will never become a proper adult but I think I'm starting to realize that growing up isn't something you notice happen. It just happens as you move through your life and get older. Whether or not you want it to happen, it does. You begin to change because of the responsibility you get because you don't want to disappoint anyone or yourself by not being able to live up to that responsibility.

Suddenly I'm starting to care less about what people think of me because I'm too busy doing what needs to be done to worry about the opinion of others. I mean I've always thought of growing up as this terrible thing but I think it might actually be a good thing. Yes, it's not easy but it encourages you to grow as a person in ways you could never have before.

Grade 12 Classes

Today I got to experience four out of six of the classes I'm taking. To be honest it wasn't the best day I've ever had but I always have trouble the first few weeks of school due to the type of personality I have (awkward and reserved). Mainly I'm cranky today because I had a meeting at lunch and didn't get to eat all day but anyway here's my thoughts on my classes so far...

Biology: I absolutely love the subject. The people aren't super annoying and there are at least a few people I know. It doesn't seem like the work load will be that hard either. Overall I'll rate it a 7/10.

Math: I have neutral feelings about the subject but it's the class where my main issue with the day is. Although I'm not a person who struggles with math this will probably be my hardest class this year. The work load is very heavy and requires lots of studying and effort. In my class there is not one person I know which is awful. I know it's not a social class but I've always had bad luck with math classes. I never know anyone in my math classes, it would be nice if I did so I had someone I could work with but that isn't the case. Overall it currently gets a 4/10.

English: A subject I have neutral feelings about but this is definitely one of my better classes. English is a breeze for me which means a very easy work load. I have close friends in this class which is something you need in English because it can be quite boring. My teacher is new to the school but she seems cool and will probably be my favorite teacher this year. Overall it gets a 9/10.

Marine Biology: Another subject I love because I love Biology in general. This is an elective which means a light work load. I think the best thing about this class is the fact that I'm not trapped inside all day, I get to go out and go to the beach quite often. There are many field trips, lots of hands on experience, and it all seems like a lot of fun. The only downside is I don't really know anyone in this class. I know a couple of people but we are more of acquaintances than friends. Overall I'll give it a 7/10.

Creative Writing: I haven't actually had this class yet but since I've been taking it every year since grade nine I know how it'll go. The subject is great, the work load is easy, and overall there is a lot of freedom. Lots of my friends will be in this class this year which makes me feel ecstatic. Overall it will get a 9/10.

The only class I'm unsure about is chemistry. I know it'll be hard like math but I'm hoping there will at least be someone I know in the class to make me not hate it as much. I have nothing against chemistry as a subject but it's known to be difficult. I did quite well last year and I hope to do the same this year. I'm just crossing my fingers a certain someone doesn't end up in the same class with me, it doesn't seem like it'll happen but I tend to have quite bad luck when it comes to who's in my classes. Overall the school year looks like it'll be okay, probably quite similar to last year except less classes and more work.

Last First Day of Mandatory School

Today is sort of momentous, it's my last first day of required schooling. My friend actually texted that to me today except I added required schooling to it because I will have more first days of school when I'm in university. Regardless I'm experiencing a bit of a weird feeling today.

What can I say really? High school is ending and the time is probably going to go by quickly. Today feels more nerve wrecking and exciting but by the time the year ends I think it'll just be sad. I remember crying on my last day of elementary school and that may happen again at the end of this year. Although it'll be sad doing all the school events without my best friend since I'd always imagined us doing them together, I'm glad I have other friends to experience them with.

If I can say one thing about today, it's that today will be the last chill day I'll have in a while. Missing three weeks of classes due to unavoidable issues means there's going to be a lot of work to do to catch up and on top of that I have quite a bit of non-school related stuff to do in the coming week as well as physics online to work on. So today will be nice; see some friends, get my schedule, and leave. It's really the perfect school day, it even starts later. I'm going to have two spare blocks this year and although it's unlikely I'm hoping both of them land on morning blocks because I would really like some time to sleep in.

But yeah....school.

My Dreams That Scare Me

At the bottom of the page is one of my favorite quotes in the entire world. I'm a dreamer and I always get all this energy and happiness from the dreams in my head. Most of the time I'm scared that I can't accomplish my dreams or that they are impossible but honestly what's the fun in having a dream if it doesn't scare you to your core? Who wants a dream that can easily be accomplished? I for one don't. When I think about my dreams I don't even know where to start to accomplish them and I think that's a good sign.

I dream of traveling the world, not in a touristy way but in a way where I'm truly experiencing different places and cultures. I wish schools had a class on cultures because I would take that class in a heartbeat.

I dream of not only writing a book but publishing a book. A book which has an impact, that makes you feel something. As a writer I don't want people to tell me that my writing is good, I want to see that it's good by the look on their face as they read it. I want to make people laugh, smile, cry, mad... all from my writing.

I dream of standing on a stage and singing my heart out. I want to feel the music surging through me as I belt out the worlds to a song I love without caring what people think. I used to take singing classes and out of all the activities I've tried, it made me the happiest. Singing has this effect on me where it always lifts my mood. No matter how down I am, if I sing I feel better. I dreamt of singing at the 5th-grade talent show but was too scared. Every year I've been in high school I've wanted to participate in our talent shows but I've always been too afraid to sign up. This year I plan to change that. Even if my singing isn't at the level I want it to be, I still want to get on stage and sing. I know that I probably won't become a professional singer but I still want people to hear my voice.

I've listed a few but in this world, there are so many things I want to do. I personally can't wait to start working on them :)

I Love Friendship!

I'm the type of person who only ever had a few close friends. As much as I've wanted a big group of friends, it's never happened to me. Pretty much since high school started I've just been floating around socially. Since I'm usually fine as long as I have a best friend I don't put a ton of effort in thus me not having a lot of friends. My best friend transferred schools last year so I had to start putting in some effort to make new close friends. Things have been great lately because I'm becoming close with a new friend. Well, I've known her since grade nine but we've always been more of school friends than real friends up until now. I'm just happy because I've kinda forgotten what a budding friendship feels like since I've known my best friend for about nine years. Not that I don't love my best friend, but we're at the point where we are more like realistic sisters than friends.

Not a Cooking Fail

I've made two posts already related to cooking one was crepes, the other was quinoa, both failed miserably. However, today's post is a success!

In my family, good home cooked meals are a rarity. Today was just another no effort dinner (not that dinner always needs effort but it's nice once and a while). I had rice and flavored chicken sewers. This seemed kinda boring to me so I jazzed it up. I put the rice in a bowl, cut the chicken up into little pieces, got some veggies, added it all together and topped it off with a bit of soy sauce. The result was a really yummy rice bowl with a Chinese style taste to it. Not the most complex or interesting thing I could have done but whenever I try to make my own dish it always fails so I'm happy to have a success!

I already ate it but imagine something like this...

Having A Daily Routine Is....Fun?

I'm notorious for being a person who spends half of my day sleeping and the other half inside on my computer. Because of my bad habits, it's always been hard to form a daily routine and I've always found having one bothersome. However, for these past three days, I've begun to establish a routine that includes events outside of the house since I've been having meetings for a charity event I'm helping out with.

I never realized how nice it is to have a routine. I wake up, lounge around, eat a good meal, get ready, go out into the outer world, come home, have dinner, lounge around some more, and go to bed. It sounds kinda boring but it's way better than before when I only left my room for food. I mean I spent two months basically all alone and now I'm seeing people almost every day. And all of this is happening without school forcing a routine on me. I've also begun a cleaning schedule for myself since I'm trying to be more responsible. I spent Sunday doing laundry and putting away all my clothes and I found it really fun. I'm not sure if this is a high point or a low point in my life... I guess I'm becoming domesticated which honestly isn't a bad thing.

Truth be told I doubt this routine and inspiration to clean will last long but I'm enjoying it while it's here. At least I feel like I'm doing something with my life :)

The Return Of The Feelings!!!

Now I'm a person who tends to document most of my life with writing thus the blog. However, I was reading through a failed journal of mine and it had a bit of a weird effect on me. The original point of this journal was to write down everything that happens each summer instead of being a year round one but I never finished it and this summer went undocumented.

I could give you the whole story about this but I'm going to cut it down to the bare minimum. Basically, there was this guy who I really liked at the time and we had a bit of a weird relationship with each other until ultimately we stopped talking and he got back together with his ex. The two of us sort of kept contact since he went to the same school as me but now it's been a while since I've talked to him. I had honestly completely forgotten about him and how I felt about him until I went back and read through this journal. Because I tend to write in detail I suddenly remembered everything that happened in that time and how I used to feel. Remembering all that made me really happy and I, in a weird way, started to fall for him again. Now I should clarify that we were never anything more than friends, it was always a platonic relationship however it never really felt platonic if that makes sense.

It's just sort of crazy for me to all of a sudden have those feelings again after not feeling them for so long. It's kinda like when you lose a necklace you love and over time you just forget about it and it's like you never had it in the first place until one day you suddenly find the necklace again and you remember how much you used to love it. Bad analogy, sorry. Basically, this is just weird for me since I had completely moved on and forgotten about him and now all of a sudden BAM feelings.

I'm Scared.

I'm hesitant to write about this but because this blog is sort of my way to deal with things I guess here is as good of a place as any. It's a relevant part of my life right now and I think it's important to document these points in my life.

I'm scared, terrified really of what's to come in the next year. Even though I've made a solid decision on what to do post secondary I still have no idea what to do. I was really depending on this school year to help me out but it seems that I'm all by myself now. Right now I'm unable to think of anything except school and it's worrying me so much I can't sleep or eat or enjoy anything.

I have no idea how university works. I need help to understand how to apply to university, what classes to take, and how to get scholarships/loans. I also have to figure out some way to do the graduation transitions program that must be done at my high school to graduate. I'm so confused and worried, especially for applying to university. My transcript is going to be quite weird and I feel that I will have to explain a lot of things in order to be admitted. Traditionally it's known in my town that the university I will be applying to is easy to get into and with good grades I never worried about getting in before but now that everything's all screwed up I'm scared that I'll have to put off university for a year which I really don't want to do. I'm not ready to grow up yet. I can't handle the pressures of a job because all I know is school and studying. I don't have job skills and if I don't have a job what will I do for that year I may have to put off? I don't want to waste a year of my life and it's not like I can afford to travel or anything. I need those four years of university to figure out my life. I just need more time before I have to make these adult decisions. I'm not ready for all this yet. I wish I could just get one more year of being a kid. Just give me my senior year of high school then I'll grow up with no complaint. I really just need more time...

An Odd Trait Of Mine

Now before stating what exactly my weird trait is, I feel the need to say that I do not have a type A personality nor am I a perfectionist. My weird trait is that I have this overwhelming need to know every single detail about something I'm about to do. For example, if someone tells me to get some eggs at the store I'll be like, "Okay which ones?" and they say something like, "Oh whatever's there." Most people would leave it there but I start asking a ton of questions like, "what size?" "Is there a price I'm sticking to?" "Brown or white?" "omega 3?" "free range?" This gets to a point where I become super annoying to the person and usually they will tell me to just go do it or they will do it themselves.

This trait comes up strongest when I'm nervous. I lose control over my filter when I get nervous because I just say everything that comes to mind. Once on a school field trip, I was put in a group where the activities we were doing were archery, team building, and kayaking. I had never been kayaking before and there was a test you had to do at the beginning where you sat in the kayak, flipped the kayak upside down then escaped underwater. I was extremely nervous about this so I kept bugging my teacher with questions about it, in response she kept trying to comfort me. When it was my turn I did the same thing to the instructor and I kept asking him exactly what I should do and how it was going to go. In the end, I did the test and I freaked out when I was underwater because I got stuck in the kayak. I escaped but was really embarrassed afterward because my classmates had seen me freak out and I had a big bruise on my leg.

Asking a million questions definitely shows a lack of confidence, but the main reason I do it is because I don't want to mess up and I want to do it exactly as the person wishes. This is also why I'm very into researching things because I like to know exactly how certain things happen and what I should expect when going to do certain things. Anytime I'm doing something new I will look it up on the internet so I know what to expect and can prepare myself. It's when an unexpected situation comes up that this trait shows itself.

Getting Out of my Summer Slump

For the past three weeks, I've had the mentality of "I have nothing to do thus there is no point getting out of bed" and living that way started to affect my mental and physical health. Doing nothing made me feel down all the time. I haven't been eating anything of substance, I've been spending half of my day sleeping, I don't get dressed, I spend 23 hours in my bed, and I was only eating dinner because I slept through all the other meals.

Today was the first day that I tried to change all of that. I woke up at 2 pm, which wasn't great, but instead of lying there all day I got out of bed. I made myself a BLT (minus tomato) and a watermelon/kiwi/blackberry smoothie. I got dressed and even put on makeup. I ended up filming a video which I'm still not sure if I like. My mom then got me to go to this market type strip mall sort of thing and we looked in shops, got a snack, and bought some healthy groceries. When home I had a vegetarian pot pie and waffle fries for dinner both of which were amazing. I edited the video then I will admit I lazed around for the rest of the day but I'm proud that I actually acted like a human today. I ate properly, got dressed, and even left the house. I count that as a win.

To anyone out there who is caught in a summer slump I honestly recommend getting up and doing something with your day because you will feel a lot better about yourself and you will feel like the day wasn't completely wasted. It's hard when you get so used to being in bed but just do it. I did it and I survived.

I'm Bad At Talking To Guys

Hmm, haven't made a blog post in a while so I thought why not make one now, the problem is I have no idea in mind. Let's go with my love life because that's always something that I'm constantly worrying about, totally kidding by the way... maybe not.

It's been a while since I've had a boyfriend, which I'm sure you know since I mention it all the time (I'm pathetic) but yeah for a long time I was just in a place where I didn't really see the point of a boyfriend and thus didn't really want one. Now, however, I'm starting to really want one only I'm terrible with guys.

Example 1: I sat next to a guy all year long and even though I liked him, I never said anything to him. Not even a simple hi for an entire year!

Example 2: I was at the bank and there was a cute guy that went in at the same time as me. I kinda felt him check me out but instead of doing anything like I don't know looking at him and smiling instead I just stared at the wall and tried my hardest not to look at him. *facepalm*

Example 3: I was at the grocery store and there was this really cute guy working there. When I bought my snacks we talked a little bit and kinda flirted. It was the opportunity I'd waited for. However, instead of you know asking for his name or his number, I said goodbye and left.

Now, what do you get from these three very different interactions? I'm incredibly awkward. Not only do I refuse to make the first move but I also do things to prevent him from making a move ie. avoiding eye contact. My best friend tells me all the time that I need to be more assertive and make the first move but I'm just too scared. I used to think after having a boyfriend I would be great with guys...nope. I think I'm just doomed to single awkwardness.

My Bedroom is a Sauna!!!

Earlier this night I began to have a headache and I thought it was because I spent all day on my computer, which still could be part of it however that's not the main reason. Now my room has always been a lot hotter than all the other rooms in my house. It's on the top floor and doesn't have a screen in the window so I can't leave it open because all the bugs get in. I've been able to stand it until tonight. Honestly, my room is probably 15 degrees hotter than any other room in the house and it's probably at about 30 degrees right now, in Celsius. I've done a lot already but I just can't cool it down. I have the fan on, the window open (it's so hot I don't care about bugs), only a sheet on my bed, as cool of clothes as possible, a big glass of ice water, and a cold wet cloth for my head but none of it has made any difference. I don't even live in a hot place, it's quite temperate where I live. Currently, the time is 3 am and because of the heat, I'm wide awake. I doubt I'll be sleeping tonight and if I do it won't be in my room.

You may question the point of this post, to put it simply there isn't one.

Not Getting Along With Your Parents As a Teen

Now I think it's completely normal to fight with your parents when you're a teenager. I think any teenagers who do get along with their parents are not to be trusted... I'm kidding but it seems to be very rare. Honestly, I know that sometimes I act really mean and I just can't stop myself. My teenage hormones make me get worked up and emotional about everything that I tend to take them out on my mom, is it fair to her? No. I honestly can't stop myself from doing it though. I've never once said I hated her or anything extreme like that but I know how to push her buttons. This is something I think is completely normal and although I wish I wasn't this way, I know I'm not fully mature yet and I don't know how to deal with certain things. My mom and I do a lot together which of course makes me very annoyed to be around her for long periods of time. Whenever I tell my best friend my mom and I had a fight, she laughs because she knows it's only about the stupidest things. I think this is just something that all teens and all parents of teens have to deal with. It's just a way that teenagers rebel and try to escape and grow apart from their parents. I think that when I move out and I'm more mature then my mom and I will probably stop fighting but since I still have such uncontrollable hormones we will continue to fight for the time being.

I Miss My Friends!!!

The struggle I have with the summer is that I'm too lazy to contact anyone. I always tell myself I will text that friend tomorrow and I just keep putting it off and putting it off until BAM summer is over and I did not see anyone. Right now I will admit that I am lonely and I want to see my friends again but I still have not contacted anyone. My best friend is the only person I have hung out with since school ended and now that she is gone for a few weeks I am incredibly lonely.

                                     

Sadly I am Patrick...

Anyway, now a little hint about my personality is that no matter how much I want to see someone or talk to them I will always put it off because I always worry they do not want to talk to me or see me so I wait for them to come to me. Not a good trait to have but I am trying to overcome it. Now to be honest I probably have about four friends in my life so I have been trying to make new friends lately but now that school has ended I am stuck and I will have to start all over again next year depending on who is in my classes. When I say I have four friends those are ones I would hang out with outside of school, I have quite a few school friends (meaning you talk to them at school but nothing else) so I although I miss some of them it's not quite the same thing since I know I don't really mean anything to them. Wow, this is getting depressing. Let's end this on a positive note, I will hang out with two friends who aren't my best friend before summer ends. And I will be more sociable and less of a nobody at next year at school.

At least I will try. I cannot promise a huge life change.

Old Diaries

Before having a blog I used to put all my feelings in diaries. I have one from elementary school, one from middle school, and one from high school. Technically I have four as I also have a failed summer one. For the majority of the book, they are the most hilarious things ever. Especially my elementary one where I spell almost all the words wrong. However even in my later ones there are a lot of spelling mistakes which is just as funny.

I wrote my first one like I was talking to my diary and I would say hello and goodbye and everything which was adorable. The entries were usually a quick recap of my day. My middle school one was more about my feelings about things that were happening to me and my love of twilight *cringe*. However my high school one is obviously the worst to read since I describe things a little bit too well and it makes me remember things I don't want to. I also get kinda deep sometimes and go on about the meaning of things.

However as I was reading through these today I couldn't stop laughing. Especially since I used to go back and write little notes talking to my past self for example I said once that I was going to ask a boy out and there was a little note beside it saying "I didn't do it." I also found it really funny to read it out loud in an obnoxious valley girl voice which made everything sound very teenage girl dramatic and hilarious. There's this one entry in my high school one that was extremely hypocritical where I go off on this rant about something my ex boyfriend did and how pissed off I was at him and I couldn't stop myself from laughing.

I think it's good to look back on things with a lighthearted view. If I had been serious when I read the diaries I probably would have made myself sad but since I took it as a joke, everything was funny. There's the lesson of the day, don't take things too seriously.