My Relationship Anxiety

I tried doing a google search on how I'm feeling (bad idea I know) but I couldn't find anything. Now I have no idea if this is just me or if other people have felt this. So in hopes that this will help me or someone else, I'm going to explain exactly what my relationship anxiety is.

My relationship anxiety only appears when I enter a relationship. I don't feel anxious at all when I'm talking/flirting with someone I like but the second they mention a relationship I freak out. It's not because I don't want to be in a relationship because I do, there is just something about someone saying I'm their girlfriend that makes my anxiety go into overdrive. Once I realize that this person I really like, likes me back, I always get the same symptoms. First of all, I get really shaky and I can't stop myself from shaking until I distract myself with something else (like music or a tv show). Secondly, I throw up. The throwing up doesn't happen one hundred percent of the time but enough that I know it's related. Lastly, I completely lose my appetite. These symptoms can last anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of weeks.

Example 1: When I was texting my first boyfriend, I was totally happy until he said he wanted to be in a relationship and asked me on a date. The second I realized I might actually get a boyfriend, my anxiety kicked in. It didn't last too long because we set up the date for the next day. That entire night was miserable for me. I slept for a grand total of five minutes because I was shaking so much and I threw up twice. The date ended up going alright but I couldn't enjoy it because I was so exhausted by not sleeping and throwing up.

You might ask yourself, "why did she go on the date when she was feeling so bad?" The reason was that I knew it would just keep happening if I rescheduled the date. Plus I didn't want that terrible night to be in vain, so I just wanted to go on the date in hopes that I would never feel like that again.

Example 2: When I dated my second boyfriend I realized this was something I wasn't going to be able to escape. I thought it happened the first time because I was inexperienced and I hoped that since I had already dated someone it wouldn't happen again. However, with my second boyfriend, it happened pretty much the entire time we dated. I lost seven pounds in one month because I was unable to eat.

By this point, I came to another realization that my relationship anxiety probably came from being unable to predict what would happen. I am someone who needs to feel like I'm in control. Relationships are not something you can control and they are very unpredictable. I think the reason I feel relationship anxiety is because I feel out of control. With my first boyfriend, I quickly realized that he was really easy to predict and rarely tried to make a move on me, that's why the anxiety didn't last long with him. But, with my second boyfriend he was more unpredictable and very affectionate, so I never really knew what was going to happen.

Example 3: I technically just entered a relationship. We are long distance and have been talking for a little over a month. It wasn't until yesterday I felt the relationship anxiety for the first time. This is a bit of a weird situation for me because it usually affects me in the beginning. I know him pretty well so I can kinda predict how things will go. I have no idea if I was just triggered by the word relationship this time or what happened. I feel so comfortable around him and I know I don't have to be worried about him making a move or going too fast with me because he literally lives across the country. I'm kinda thinking that I'm freaking out this time because this seems like my real shot to have an actual long-term relationship. I guess it seems so perfect and things are going so well that I'm scared things will change now that we are actually in a relationship.

For now, I have no concrete idea what triggers my relationship anxiety and how to fix it. From experience, it seems to go away with time, usually when I become more comfortable around the person. It is weird that it happened with the person I'm more comfortable around than most people in my life. I'm hoping it's just a mini freak out and I'll get better soon.

If you ever feel like this, I hope you are comforted to know you aren't the only one. I've read about people feeling this way when in a bad relationship or after having had a bad relationship but I've only ever been in nice, healthy relationships. Although it's a weird thing to go through and you might feel like you are messed up because you feel this way, you are still a perfectly good person capable of love. Don't let it make you think you shouldn't be in relationships. Just think of it as a hurdle to overcome and once you do, you can enjoy spending time with someone you really love and who loves you back. It may be scary but keep hope that you'll overcome it one day.

Accurately describing my current relationship

I Wanna Quit My Job

I got really lucky with the job I got for the summer. I got plenty of hours and even when I didn't want plenty of hours, my workplace was understanding. They allowed me to be flexible with my hours, never forcing me into shifts I couldn't take. Even now they are understanding that I can't work more than one shift a week. My co-workers are all very nice and even though my supervisors can be a bit intimidating, I know they are nice people as well who are just trying to do their jobs.

But when it comes down to it, I really want to quit my job. It has nothing to do with being unhappy with my job but just that I'm unhappy that I have a job. In my life, I have budgeted my finances so that I'm good money wise for the next year or so. Being that I have no need for money and I don't really like being in customer service, I want to quit. The only issue is I'm too scared to quit.

Many people would tell me, don't write a blog post about wanting to quit your job because your employer could find it and fire you. Honestly, I wouldn't even mind getting fired, that way I wouldn't have to deal with the awkwardness of quitting. (Yes I'm a weird person like that, I avoid people at all costs. It's kinda ironic I work in customer service right?)

At this point in my life, I don't want to be working. I want to dedicate myself to being a student. I'd also like to keep my long distance relationship intact and find some time to work on my hobbies. I kind of want to try to make videos again and start improving my drawing skills. As much as I find science fascinating, I miss being creative. So yeah, I want to quit my job, I just have to find the courage first.

Timelines Don't Matter

I don't know if this is a weird me thing but in relationships, I obsess about the timeline. For example how long you should wait until you kiss someone or how long you have to date someone before it becomes serious. In my mind, I'm always calculating at what stage in our relationship we should be at in regards to how long we've been together. It especially gets bad because I obsess a lot about affectionate type things like don't kiss someone on the first date or don't say I love you too early.

The key thing I've learned recently is there is no point obsessing over time in a relationship. The reason is I was more committed to sticking to an appropriate timeline than doing what I felt comfortable with or what I wanted to do in my heart. There were times when I felt ready for certain things but I put it off because I didn't want to mess up the timeline by doing it too early. Other times I tried to speed things up in order to stick to the timeline instead of letting things happen naturally.

With the current guy I like, I'm not thinking about the timeline at all. Part of the reason is that we live in different places so we can't follow a normal timeline because we don't see each other in person. However, the main reason is that I'm trying to follow my heart for once instead of my head. This guy is the first guy I've ever kissed on the first date. The funny thing is, it didn't feel too soon at all. When he first asked to kiss me, that rational side of me told me it was too soon but I ended up doing it anyway which is a decision I'm very happy with. If I had kissed other guys that soon, it probably would have felt rushed so that just goes to show that each relationship is different and will follow its own unique timeline. 

*you do NOT need to follow this*