Can't Make Up My Mind

I have this issue right now that is kinda annoying me. When my boyfriend is with me and hanging out at my house I want space but when he is gone I miss him like crazy. I feel like I can't make up my mind on whether or not I want to spend time with him.

I don't know if it's because we just ended our long distance relationship but whenever he goes home I feel extremely clingy. I want to send him tons of messages and pictures and videos. I know I can but I also know he has stuff to do so I try not to express my clinginess. Weirdly enough when I am actually with him I don't act clingy at all, in fact, I probably act distant. I really don't know what's wrong with me.

I really have no solution to this problem. I just kinda needed somewhere to express my feelings so this post is kind of a dead end.

Reunited

Our relationship started in a way that made it seem impossible for it to go anywhere. I was nineteen years old, fresh out of a relationship, and playing around on Tinder. I stumbled upon a guy from the other side of the country who was in town visiting and we matched. We went out on a date that turned into two dates that turned into constant texting that turned into a long distance relationship. Four months later he came to visit me and five months after that he moved to my town.

A couple of days ago I was waiting at the airport in disbelieve that our long distance relationship was finally ending after nine months apart. Then all of a sudden he walked through the gate and we were reunited.

My anxiety was off the charts the first day we spent together. I was so nervous my body was shaking uncontrollably, my stomach was flipping and flopping, and my body temperature was soaring. I had waited so long to see him then once I finally could my body perceived him as an unknown person. After taking some time apart for me to calm down, I began to feel elated and excited to be around him again. Finally, it felt like our reunition was real.

We have a date tomorrow and I'm so excited I might not be able to sleep tonight. I have my outfit all picked out and my bag packed already. Despite being apart for only a couple of days I miss him a lot and I can't wait to see him again. I'm thrilled we are finally a normal couple who doesn't have to worry about our next parting.

I Want to be Committed but not Serious

When I was young I used to get caught up in the idea of a fairy tale romance, where you meet your soul mate and live happily ever after together. When I discovered that fairy tale romances don't exist in life, I showed my first signs of being a commitment-phobe.

Not to have a big head, but I tend to find great guys to date. No one is without their flaws but I tend to go for the type of guys who are nice, smart, and will never hurt you. Also known as "safe" guys. The only problem with safe guys is that they require a lot of attention and commitment, that doesn't work so well for me. Anytime a relationship has gotten too serious I usually freak out and search for a reason to break up.

To me, there is a difference between a committed relationship and a serious relationship. A committed relationship is simply when two people decide to only be with each other and not see anyone else. I cannot be in a relationship that is not committed. However, a serious relationship is one that is going somewhere. In a serious relationship, you are merely in the first stage on track to forever. You make plans far into the future, you settle down, spend your weekends gardening, you seriously think about getting married, you spend evenings discussing baby names, etc. I'm not sure if it's the commitment-phobe in me or the fact that I'm twenty years old but I don't want a serious relationship right now.

I love my boyfriend, but I'm worried we are getting into serious territory. Although our age difference is small, we are at different stages in life. He likes to talk about future plans, trips we'll go on, spending forever together, and it scares me. This is the problem because I want all of those serious commitment things but just not anytime soon. I want to think of our relationship without a timeline, no future plans, no promises. Just whatever happens happens. In short, I just want to have fun and live life freely. I don't know how to communicate my feelings though because I feel like whenever I try to explain it, it sounds like I don't want a relationship at all. I want the commitment, I don't like worrying what I mean to someone, but I don't want to feel like I'm chained down.