My Method Towards Relationships

Today I was watching a show on relationships which covered many different types of relationships in detail which was refreshing since relationships are often portrayed halfheartedly. What I mean is that they are always negative or positive, you never really get to hear about the gray areas. Thinking about the gray areas, I began to think about what I am like around people I like and what kind of things I do to try and win them over.

In my life, I have followed two different patterns. The first strategy was intense feelings of love with little to no action. The second strategy was guarded feelings and straight forward action. It's a bit hard to decipher which method is better because they both worked in such different ways.

With intense feelings of love and little to no action, I was able to fall deeply and innocently in love with someone without actually making any move towards them. This method put my heart fully on the line. I never had my heart broken with this method because I never confessed. However, it hurt me as I was getting over the person because I realized I was giving my heart out too easily to people who didn't want it.

After hitting that realization I had a shift. This is when I began to safeguard my feelings but approached things more straightforwardly. I began doing this because I didn't want to waste so much time on people who didn't like me. With the other method, my crushes were lasting for years but with this one, they only lasted for a couple of months. I would confess my feelings to them and move on if they didn't like me. I've confessed my feelings properly to two guys in my life. With one guy he rejected me but I never put my heart into it so it didn't hurt me thus the beauty of this method. The other guy had mutual feelings for me and we dated. However, because I was so used to safeguarding my heart, I was unwilling to openly give my heart to him. This defensiveness caused a lot of problems and resulted in my worst broken heart caused by myself.

I've been trying to merge the two patterns together after realizing the mishaps of being too careful. Clearly, there is no way to prevent yourself from getting hurt when you like someone. I've had countless crushes in my life and only one person has reciprocated my feelings so I know quite a bit about one-sided love. If I've learned anything about relationships it's this: keep a tight hold on your heart until you find out if your feelings are reciprocated or not, if they are you have to let go of your heart and give it away or else it will be suffocated in your hold. If the feelings aren't reciprocated keep holding onto your heart until they are. One day you'll find a person worthy of giving your heart to.

Maybe I Am Growing Up?

I'm not sure what it is lately but since going back to school I feel more grown up. Maybe it's being the oldest in the school and feeling like an adult among children. Maybe it's the more demanding classes. Or it might be the responsibilities I've had organizing a project for a charity campaign my school does. No matter what the reason is it's a weird feeling for me. I've always felt like a child that will never become a proper adult but I think I'm starting to realize that growing up isn't something you notice happen. It just happens as you move through your life and get older. Whether or not you want it to happen, it does. You begin to change because of the responsibility you get because you don't want to disappoint anyone or yourself by not being able to live up to that responsibility.

Suddenly I'm starting to care less about what people think of me because I'm too busy doing what needs to be done to worry about the opinion of others. I mean I've always thought of growing up as this terrible thing but I think it might actually be a good thing. Yes, it's not easy but it encourages you to grow as a person in ways you could never have before.

Grade 12 Classes

Today I got to experience four out of six of the classes I'm taking. To be honest it wasn't the best day I've ever had but I always have trouble the first few weeks of school due to the type of personality I have (awkward and reserved). Mainly I'm cranky today because I had a meeting at lunch and didn't get to eat all day but anyway here's my thoughts on my classes so far...

Biology: I absolutely love the subject. The people aren't super annoying and there are at least a few people I know. It doesn't seem like the work load will be that hard either. Overall I'll rate it a 7/10.

Math: I have neutral feelings about the subject but it's the class where my main issue with the day is. Although I'm not a person who struggles with math this will probably be my hardest class this year. The work load is very heavy and requires lots of studying and effort. In my class there is not one person I know which is awful. I know it's not a social class but I've always had bad luck with math classes. I never know anyone in my math classes, it would be nice if I did so I had someone I could work with but that isn't the case. Overall it currently gets a 4/10.

English: A subject I have neutral feelings about but this is definitely one of my better classes. English is a breeze for me which means a very easy work load. I have close friends in this class which is something you need in English because it can be quite boring. My teacher is new to the school but she seems cool and will probably be my favorite teacher this year. Overall it gets a 9/10.

Marine Biology: Another subject I love because I love Biology in general. This is an elective which means a light work load. I think the best thing about this class is the fact that I'm not trapped inside all day, I get to go out and go to the beach quite often. There are many field trips, lots of hands on experience, and it all seems like a lot of fun. The only downside is I don't really know anyone in this class. I know a couple of people but we are more of acquaintances than friends. Overall I'll give it a 7/10.

Creative Writing: I haven't actually had this class yet but since I've been taking it every year since grade nine I know how it'll go. The subject is great, the work load is easy, and overall there is a lot of freedom. Lots of my friends will be in this class this year which makes me feel ecstatic. Overall it will get a 9/10.

The only class I'm unsure about is chemistry. I know it'll be hard like math but I'm hoping there will at least be someone I know in the class to make me not hate it as much. I have nothing against chemistry as a subject but it's known to be difficult. I did quite well last year and I hope to do the same this year. I'm just crossing my fingers a certain someone doesn't end up in the same class with me, it doesn't seem like it'll happen but I tend to have quite bad luck when it comes to who's in my classes. Overall the school year looks like it'll be okay, probably quite similar to last year except less classes and more work.

Last First Day of Mandatory School

Today is sort of momentous, it's my last first day of required schooling. My friend actually texted that to me today except I added required schooling to it because I will have more first days of school when I'm in university. Regardless I'm experiencing a bit of a weird feeling today.

What can I say really? High school is ending and the time is probably going to go by quickly. Today feels more nerve wrecking and exciting but by the time the year ends I think it'll just be sad. I remember crying on my last day of elementary school and that may happen again at the end of this year. Although it'll be sad doing all the school events without my best friend since I'd always imagined us doing them together, I'm glad I have other friends to experience them with.

If I can say one thing about today, it's that today will be the last chill day I'll have in a while. Missing three weeks of classes due to unavoidable issues means there's going to be a lot of work to do to catch up and on top of that I have quite a bit of non-school related stuff to do in the coming week as well as physics online to work on. So today will be nice; see some friends, get my schedule, and leave. It's really the perfect school day, it even starts later. I'm going to have two spare blocks this year and although it's unlikely I'm hoping both of them land on morning blocks because I would really like some time to sleep in.

But yeah....school.

My Dreams That Scare Me

At the bottom of the page is one of my favorite quotes in the entire world. I'm a dreamer and I always get all this energy and happiness from the dreams in my head. Most of the time I'm scared that I can't accomplish my dreams or that they are impossible but honestly what's the fun in having a dream if it doesn't scare you to your core? Who wants a dream that can easily be accomplished? I for one don't. When I think about my dreams I don't even know where to start to accomplish them and I think that's a good sign.

I dream of traveling the world, not in a touristy way but in a way where I'm truly experiencing different places and cultures. I wish schools had a class on cultures because I would take that class in a heartbeat.

I dream of not only writing a book but publishing a book. A book which has an impact, that makes you feel something. As a writer I don't want people to tell me that my writing is good, I want to see that it's good by the look on their face as they read it. I want to make people laugh, smile, cry, mad... all from my writing.

I dream of standing on a stage and singing my heart out. I want to feel the music surging through me as I belt out the worlds to a song I love without caring what people think. I used to take singing classes and out of all the activities I've tried, it made me the happiest. Singing has this effect on me where it always lifts my mood. No matter how down I am, if I sing I feel better. I dreamt of singing at the 5th-grade talent show but was too scared. Every year I've been in high school I've wanted to participate in our talent shows but I've always been too afraid to sign up. This year I plan to change that. Even if my singing isn't at the level I want it to be, I still want to get on stage and sing. I know that I probably won't become a professional singer but I still want people to hear my voice.

I've listed a few but in this world, there are so many things I want to do. I personally can't wait to start working on them :)

I Love Friendship!

I'm the type of person who only ever had a few close friends. As much as I've wanted a big group of friends, it's never happened to me. Pretty much since high school started I've just been floating around socially. Since I'm usually fine as long as I have a best friend I don't put a ton of effort in thus me not having a lot of friends. My best friend transferred schools last year so I had to start putting in some effort to make new close friends. Things have been great lately because I'm becoming close with a new friend. Well, I've known her since grade nine but we've always been more of school friends than real friends up until now. I'm just happy because I've kinda forgotten what a budding friendship feels like since I've known my best friend for about nine years. Not that I don't love my best friend, but we're at the point where we are more like realistic sisters than friends.

Not a Cooking Fail

I've made two posts already related to cooking one was crepes, the other was quinoa, both failed miserably. However, today's post is a success!

In my family, good home cooked meals are a rarity. Today was just another no effort dinner (not that dinner always needs effort but it's nice once and a while). I had rice and flavored chicken sewers. This seemed kinda boring to me so I jazzed it up. I put the rice in a bowl, cut the chicken up into little pieces, got some veggies, added it all together and topped it off with a bit of soy sauce. The result was a really yummy rice bowl with a Chinese style taste to it. Not the most complex or interesting thing I could have done but whenever I try to make my own dish it always fails so I'm happy to have a success!

I already ate it but imagine something like this...

Having A Daily Routine Is....Fun?

I'm notorious for being a person who spends half of my day sleeping and the other half inside on my computer. Because of my bad habits, it's always been hard to form a daily routine and I've always found having one bothersome. However, for these past three days, I've begun to establish a routine that includes events outside of the house since I've been having meetings for a charity event I'm helping out with.

I never realized how nice it is to have a routine. I wake up, lounge around, eat a good meal, get ready, go out into the outer world, come home, have dinner, lounge around some more, and go to bed. It sounds kinda boring but it's way better than before when I only left my room for food. I mean I spent two months basically all alone and now I'm seeing people almost every day. And all of this is happening without school forcing a routine on me. I've also begun a cleaning schedule for myself since I'm trying to be more responsible. I spent Sunday doing laundry and putting away all my clothes and I found it really fun. I'm not sure if this is a high point or a low point in my life... I guess I'm becoming domesticated which honestly isn't a bad thing.

Truth be told I doubt this routine and inspiration to clean will last long but I'm enjoying it while it's here. At least I feel like I'm doing something with my life :)

The Return Of The Feelings!!!

Now I'm a person who tends to document most of my life with writing thus the blog. However, I was reading through a failed journal of mine and it had a bit of a weird effect on me. The original point of this journal was to write down everything that happens each summer instead of being a year round one but I never finished it and this summer went undocumented.

I could give you the whole story about this but I'm going to cut it down to the bare minimum. Basically, there was this guy who I really liked at the time and we had a bit of a weird relationship with each other until ultimately we stopped talking and he got back together with his ex. The two of us sort of kept contact since he went to the same school as me but now it's been a while since I've talked to him. I had honestly completely forgotten about him and how I felt about him until I went back and read through this journal. Because I tend to write in detail I suddenly remembered everything that happened in that time and how I used to feel. Remembering all that made me really happy and I, in a weird way, started to fall for him again. Now I should clarify that we were never anything more than friends, it was always a platonic relationship however it never really felt platonic if that makes sense.

It's just sort of crazy for me to all of a sudden have those feelings again after not feeling them for so long. It's kinda like when you lose a necklace you love and over time you just forget about it and it's like you never had it in the first place until one day you suddenly find the necklace again and you remember how much you used to love it. Bad analogy, sorry. Basically, this is just weird for me since I had completely moved on and forgotten about him and now all of a sudden BAM feelings.

I'm Scared.

I'm hesitant to write about this but because this blog is sort of my way to deal with things I guess here is as good of a place as any. It's a relevant part of my life right now and I think it's important to document these points in my life.

I'm scared, terrified really of what's to come in the next year. Even though I've made a solid decision on what to do post secondary I still have no idea what to do. I was really depending on this school year to help me out but it seems that I'm all by myself now. Right now I'm unable to think of anything except school and it's worrying me so much I can't sleep or eat or enjoy anything.

I have no idea how university works. I need help to understand how to apply to university, what classes to take, and how to get scholarships/loans. I also have to figure out some way to do the graduation transitions program that must be done at my high school to graduate. I'm so confused and worried, especially for applying to university. My transcript is going to be quite weird and I feel that I will have to explain a lot of things in order to be admitted. Traditionally it's known in my town that the university I will be applying to is easy to get into and with good grades I never worried about getting in before but now that everything's all screwed up I'm scared that I'll have to put off university for a year which I really don't want to do. I'm not ready to grow up yet. I can't handle the pressures of a job because all I know is school and studying. I don't have job skills and if I don't have a job what will I do for that year I may have to put off? I don't want to waste a year of my life and it's not like I can afford to travel or anything. I need those four years of university to figure out my life. I just need more time before I have to make these adult decisions. I'm not ready for all this yet. I wish I could just get one more year of being a kid. Just give me my senior year of high school then I'll grow up with no complaint. I really just need more time...