Too Old To Trick Or Treat, Too Young To Die

I'm currently stuck at the annoying age where there is absolutely nothing to do on Halloween. I'm too old to go trick or treating and too young to go out dancing at clubs. It seems like this year people are either going to parties or doing absolutely nothing, I fall under the absolutely nothing category.

Normally people would go to haunted houses or watch scary movies but I'm a scaredy cat. I mean as a person I really like Halloween but as a seventeen-year-old, it's just an annoying day where people bug me about not having plans. My friend mentioned that she wanted to do something but no plans have been made so I'm guessing nothing will happen. It kind of annoys me that she wants a plan because I'd be fine just walking around or doing whatever. Oh well, I don't really care anyway. I already had my fun at the Halloween dance.

Using My Potential as a Student

I'm not the type of person who gets good grades without effort. On the flip side, I'm also not the kind of person who studies all the time. I'm the type of person who can easily grasp onto subjects once I take a little time to go over them. I've always had the potential to be a great student but I've never really used it.

This year, however, since I'm in my last year of high school I've decided to put in as much effort as I can to get the best grades possible. Since I'm aiming to go to university, that means not only do I need the grades to get accepted but I also need the grades to be able to receive academic scholarships. It's only been a couple of weeks and I've yet to see any grades but I feel like things are going well. 

It seems to be that in my school career my grades tend to get better and better each year. Especially since I've been in high school I've noticed my marks increasing each year. I think this is mainly because when a subject bores me or is too easy I won't put in any effort but when subjects become more challenging I enjoy them more and put in more effort. Basically the contrast between a class like math and a class like English. Although I'm naturally better at English I achieve a better mark in math because it's something I have to work for whereas English I can pass without doing anything.

My Driving Anixety

When I was sixteen I was excited to start driving. I got my learner's license a couple of days after my birthday and although driving didn't always go well I enjoyed it. By the time I turned seventeen I was able to take the driving test so I could drive by myself. I delayed it for a couple of months but eventually took the test and passed the first time. When I passed I didn't believe I deserved it because my driving wasn't perfect.

The first time I drove by myself was great. I was really excited to drive and do things by myself. However, I quickly realized that driving wasn't a fun thing. I suffered from some very common beginner's mistakes which made me feel like I was an awful driver. Although I was aware of my mistakes, I had trouble correcting them and soon decided that I shouldn't be driving. Honestly, I don't think I'm a bad driver but my fear makes me feel like I am. I don't really know the exact moment it happened but I developed driving anxiety. 

Now I can't drive without feeling anxious. Even short drives to places I know cause me an extreme amount of stress because of that I haven't driven in months. Driving, however, is something I'm going to have to do. Right now I can get away without it but in a couple of years I'll be on my own and I'm going to need to drive places. I want to start driving again but I haven't fixed my driving anxiety at all. I don't know where to begin, it feels like I have to start all over.... 

Update and Letting Go...

I was reading over my posts, as I sometimes do, and I happened to come across my one called, My Mom Ships Us. At the end, I mentioned there would be future posts about what would happen after I joined a certain class. Although I'm sure no one really cares, I'm going to update

Before I said I was going to join a class that a certain guy was in because I didn't want to do my online course. I even told my mom and my friends I was going to do it which means I was serious about it. I went to the counselor's office and I asked to join that class. Although it made me really nervous to do this, I managed to work up my courage... only to find out the class was full. From there I had two choices: continue my online course or ask the teacher if he would let me join.

Now I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but I strongly believe that there is a reason everything turns out the way it does. When I heard the class was full, my gut feeling told me I shouldn't push it further. Not only would talking to the teacher make me incredibly nervous but I was also nervous of what the guy would think of me going to such measures to join his class and it felt kind of creepy to me. In the end, I decided that joining the class wasn't meant to be and I gave up.

I'm still kind of sad that I lost the opportunity to rebuild my relationship with that guy but life seems to be telling me it's not the right time. Although I do see him once every two weeks in the mandatory grade twelve course, it just doesn't seem like we are going to get any closer. Even after two years has passed nothing has changed. We are just as awkward as we were when we first broke up.

I guess the time has come to finally let go once and for all...
I'm sorry I couldn't fix my past mistakes.

Horror

I do not like horror. Whether it's a horror movie or a horror game, I cannot handle it. I'm easily affected by suspense and jump scares which make up about 90% of horror. Even though I'm well aware of this I seem to forget about this phobia sometimes. There will be times especially around Halloween when I want to watch a scary movie or go to a haunted house even though if I went through with my plans I would just spend the whole time deafening everyone around me. I think that if I had the right horror partner I would be able to get through scary movies/haunted houses/horror games/etc. however, the only people I know either hate horror or will make it worse for me. If I had someone to comfort me then I think it would be fine however they'd have a lot to deal with since I would be screaming and hugging onto them the whole time (just picturing that in my head makes me laugh).

Switching sides completely I also have a second side when it comes to horror related things. If I watch a video of someone playing a horror game or watch someone get scared, I don't find it scary at all. I actually find it really funny and I get a strange enjoyment out of watching people freak out at horror stuff. I don't know what this says about my personality though... I understand why I'm not scared because obviously it's not me and I'm not in any danger but should I really be getting enjoyment out of people getting scared? My answer is yes because it's fun :P

...a totally productive and life changing post....

Growing Up Caused Me To Grow Down

When I was twelve I stopped trick or treating because I thought I was too old for it. Around that age, I was committed to the idea that I needed to grow up and stop doing childish things. However, as I've started to grow up, I've realized that having a grown up attitude is no fun at all. In all aspects, it's better to enjoy things rather than hate them but I didn't realize that when I first became a teenager.

For about three years I stopped trick or treating and I also stopped enjoying Halloween. Every year I would just sit inside, eat store bought candy, and watch cheesy movies by myself. It was just as lame as it sounds. However, last year I went out trick or treating and it was a lot of fun. Of course there were some people who gave us weird looks because we were teenagers but we didn't care and I loved the variety of candy I had afterwords. This year I want to do it again because it's my last year of high school and soon I won't be able to get away with it anymore. I've come to realize that a lot of the people I know have that same attitude I had when I was twelve, they think it's childish and stupid. Luckily I have a friend who is just as childish and immature as me who thinks it's a good idea.

Honestly, I don't care what people think when I say I want to do things such as trick or treating. I tried way too hard when I was younger to grow up that now I want to do as many silly things as I can before it's too late. There's no shame in having fun and acting like a kid again because if you think about it seventeen is a kid. In the scope of my life I'm still young and immature so why not act like it while I can get away with it. I'm not saying go out and do stupid things, just do things you enjoy without any regrets. I know if I don't do these things now, one day I'm going to look back and wish I had.

My Mom Ships Us

I know I've been doing a lot of posts lately but I just want to tell this story really quick.
So my mom knows about the guy I'm interested in and she actively wants us to be together. She'll randomly come up with scenarios in which we start dating or something romantic happens between us and a funny situation happened recently of this nature.

I was telling my mom about this issue I had about whether or not I should join a class. I told her that I was worried about catching up and stuff and she didn't really seem to care. She was pretty indecisive and gave me the typical, "It's up to you honey, do it if you want to." However, I then told her that my main worry was that the guy I'm interested in is in the class and as soon as I said that she became interested and told me I definitely had to join that class. It was so funny how quickly my mom's attitude changed once I mentioned him.

If you're curious about the outcome, I am going to join that class and I'm guessing there will be later posts about what happens. Also, I'm not joining the class just to be with him, I've been stressing out lately because I need this course for university so this is just the smart move to make.

I'm Pathetic

I don't understand it all at... I've spent so much time trying to get over this and rid myself of these feelings. Every time I get so close. So close I feel like I've finally moved on. Then I do something stupid. I start to see you around the halls. I start to see you everywhere I go even when you aren't really there. My mind deludes me and I begin to wonder about you. Wonder if you wonder about me. I can only endure this state for so long before I contact you. We begin to talk and I feel all happy.

I wonder if you ever wanted me to move on at all... If you were absolutely done with me and wanted nothing to do with me, you wouldn't reply so fast. I try to tell myself that you don't like me because you don't text me first but whenever I text you, you reply in seconds. You confuse me you know that? Suggesting things that seem out of place. Why are you so nice to me anyway? You'd think that you'd hold some resentment towards me but you don't. You were always so nice and treated me so well. If you were a jerk than it would have been easy to move on but I have nothing against you. No reasons to tell myself no when I feel like I want to be with you. 

It sucks you know, feeling this way. I feel like I'm such a pathetic hopeless person. But you know if I hated it so much, I would have moved on by now... 

Life Like an Anime

Do you ever get moments in your life that feel like anime scenes? My life is nowhere near an anime, it's neither interesting nor exciting. Sometimes, however, I will have these moments that feel like they came straight out of an anime. This may be a weird manifestation of my love for anime and me wanting to have an anime life that I make my life seem more like one than it is but lately stuff has just been happening.

When I say anime scenes I'm talking about the ones out of romantic, slice of life animes. First of all, I had an assembly where I was practically sitting right behind my "love interest" and I kept thinking about it and how close I was to him and I couldn't help but look over at him. Kind of like in an anime where a girl sits behind a boy she likes and gets all cute and nervous about it. The next one happened only an hour later when I went into what I thought would be an empty classroom to get my bag. When I stepped inside there was a group of guys hanging out at the other side of the room. I locked eyes with one who happened to be my "love interest", shocked that he was there I quickly snatched by bag off the floor and left without another look. Today another moment happened, I was walking down the hall, looked ahead and saw the guy walking down the stairs. While looking at him a girl came quickly around the corner and almost crashed into me, I felt embarrassed and lost sight of him.

This may just be me but these things seem like typical things that would happen in an anime. Maybe I'm just searching for meaning where there is none but it seems weird to me because I never see this guy around. I don't have any classes with him yet suddenly he keeps showing up. I feel like a maiden in love who's having a lot of convenient anime things happening to move her closer to her crush. I'm no maiden and he's no crush and we definitely aren't in an anime but sometimes I wish we were. If we were in an anime, then maybe there would be some sort of hope for us. There could be a big build up scene where we finally confess our pent up feelings and realize that we should be together. At the end of the day, life isn't an anime and I'm just a hopeless girl longing for the past.