Currently, I'm going through some issues... Actually, I've felt this way for a while now but since it is my second year I thought I should start dealing with my issues instead of ignoring them.
A lot of the time I worry that I'm in the wrong program. My grades kinda suck. Even when I think I know the material I don't do well on the tests. I understand that getting bad grades doesn't necessarily mean you are in the wrong program but it really hurts my self-esteem. I believe biology is something I enjoy and want to pursue but I lack the motivation because it seems no matter how much I study, I get the same results.
The other program I considered doing was writing. I enjoy writing a lot and I know I could get good grades in the program without much effort. However, I didn't think I would learn as much studying writing as I would studying biology so ultimately I decided against it.
Right now I am having a breakdown because I don't feel passionate about what I'm doing. It's hard to force myself to study and go to classes. I really want to be excited about learning biology but I just can't do it right now. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Sometimes I think that after I get my degree I won't even go into biology. I wonder if it's pointless for me to get this degree if I'm not sure I want to do anything with it right away. Unlike others in biology, I have no interest in getting a master's degree. The best biology jobs all require master's degrees but I just don't want to do any more school after my undergraduate is done. The idea for me was always to get my degree as soon as possible and then figure out what I want to do. I always thought that even if I didn't go into biology in the beginning if I got the degree I would always have the option of changing my mind without having to go back to school. As I get older, I'm not sure it's a smart idea to get a degree in something you want to 'come back to' instead of something you earnestly want to pursue.
To be totally honest, I really want to have a creative job. I adore biology and I find lab work really interesting but it's a bit soul-sucking (or at least my lectures are). I want to be able to express myself and do things my way. If nothing changes in me by the time I graduate, I think I will try to launch a writing career. I always viewed writing as something I would come back to after I got myself accomplished but now I'm thinking I want to try it out first while I'm young then try to fall back on biology if things don't work out. However, yet again I don't know if this is a smart idea.
Basically, I'm just in a rut right now. I can't decide if the decisions I've made are good decisions. I know I'm young and I have plenty of time but I still feel like I'm in a rush. I feel like I have to do things a certain way in order to be successful and if I go off of the trail I'll be lost forever.
