Am I Able to Fall in Love? Part 2

About a year ago I wrote a blog post about whether or not I thought I was capable of falling love. I ended the post by saying I was worried I'd never fall in love. That just shows how much your life can change in just one year.

To answer the question, yes I am able to fall in love. I know the answer now because I have fallen in love for the first time in my almost 20 years of life. I've heard before in life that love isn't something you can explain but you'll know it when you feel it. That saying never used to make sense to me. However, after falling in love for the first time, I truly understand what that quote means.

To be completely honest, within hours of meeting, I knew things were different with him. Around him, I feel safe and comfortable. Not to say that my heart doesn't race but that's not the important part of love. To me, I'd say love is being able to show someone your complete self without holding anything back. I have no way of explaining exactly how I know that I've fallen in love. Love really isn't something that can be explained or justified, you just feel it.

For now, I'm keeping these feelings to myself. To me, the moment you say you love someone for the first time is very important. I've never had that big moment when a guy tells me he loves me, it's always been kinda meaningless. That's why when I say I love you for the first time, I want it to be completely sincere. Even though I know that I'm in love with my boyfriend, I want to wait until we are in person to say it. I feel like if I said it through video chat it would take away the meaning of it.

In conclusion yes I am able to fall in love.

The first thing my boyfriend ever said to me reminds me a lot of this quote

Why Now?

You asked me once, "Why couldn't we have met earlier?"
But timing is an important part of a relationship.
It wasn't just that we went to different high schools or were in different grades. It didn't have anything to do with the fact that even in the same space we still wouldn't have crossed paths.
You came into my life now because I wasn't ready for you in the past.
Back then I wouldn't have appreciated you, I wouldn't have been able to treat you right, and I wouldn't have realized how special you are.
I was scared, afraid and broken.
I think that even someone as perfect for me as you, wouldn't have been able to last in my life.
We met now because now I can open my whole heart to someone.
I'm not afraid to say the truth.
I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong or that I'm doing things wrong.
I'm not afraid to let someone get to know the real me.
And I'm not afraid to be in love.
If you look back on your life, you might be able to see it too.
All the reasons you weren't ready to meet me.
People come into our lives at different times for different reasons.
I've always believed dating is just practice for when you meet the right person.
Even if I got my heart broken and it was painful at times, dating other people has prepared me for meeting you.
Without those experiences, I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't be a person who could accept you 100% into my life.
We met now because now we are prepared.

Emotionally Exhausted

I'll say first off that this doesn't happen very often, but since I entered my long distance relationship I have occasionally had days like today where I feel completely worn out emotionally. It doesn't correlate to how long I've gone without talking to him though because I literally video chatted with him yesterday.

I'd describe this feeling as just a messed up combination of emotions. I'm a little bit sad, upset, mopey, tense, nervous, happy, excited and tired all at the same time. On a scale of good to bad, this feeling is more towards bad but it does have positive emotions in it as well.

I think I feel emotionally exhausted today because I was so happy yesterday that I wore myself out.

Being in a long distance relationship is demanding on your emotions. Most of the time I can go about my day normally sort of forgetting the situation I'm in. There is always a part of me that misses him and wishes he was here but usually my logical side wins and I have a normal day. On the rare days where I can't handle my feelings, I'm an emotional wreck like I am today. Sometimes I'm resentful that he lives so far away, other times I'm sad that I can't spend time with him like other couples do, and other times I'm upset because it's still so long until I get to see him again.

In the end, I'm in this situation because I want to be. Like I said most of the time I'm completely fine. It's just those rare days where the missing him takes over and completely screws around with my emotions to the point that I just want to sleep all day. I know when I'm going to see him again and I know when our long distance will end so it's not as bad for me as it is for other people. I enjoy having time to myself and I know waiting for him will be worth it. Today I'm just a bit exhausted.

I'm In

I don't have any way to prove it to you but I can wait for you. Even back when I thought I'd have to go eight months without seeing you in person, I still knew I could wait. Could is the wrong word, I want to wait. I can't say this to you partially because it's too cheesy and partially because I don't want to scare you off but there's a reason I am so certain. Never before have I connected so much with a guy. After meeting you and getting to know you, I'm not sure I'll ever meet someone more suited towards me.

It's similar to the reason I deleted tinder because I knew after meeting you, I wasn't going to find anyone better on there. Actually meeting you was a complete fluke and I can't even explain why I liked you. I think it was along the lines of me seeing your picture thinking you were cute, reading your description and finding out you weren't from here, then swiping right just 'cause. I didn't think you would match with me, I didn't think you would message me, and I didn't think we would meet up. I didn't expect any of it and honestly, I wasn't even in a place where I was looking for someone. My boyfriend had just broken up with me two weeks before I started talking to you. I was over him but I didn't want to just jump right back into dating either as I had been doing it almost constantly for four months and nothing was going the way I wanted it to. But then I met you and things were different than they had ever been before. Everything was easy and I wasn't stressed out at all. However, I knew you were leaving soon so I didn't really take it seriously. It wasn't until you started messaging me after you had left that I started to think maybe this could work.

Now here we are. I know I can't predict the future or how things will go but I will do everything in my power so that we have a chance. There are so many things I want to do with you that I won't give up on those experiences with you just because I get lonely. I think you could be the guy I actually fall in love with. I've never been in love and I'm kinda scared of love so that's saying a lot. I don't want to date just anybody. I want to date someone who is like my best friend, someone who I can tell everything to and who can make me laugh like no one else, but who is also still my boyfriend so we can go on dates and make out and stuff. To be honest you're the first guy I've dated who has fit that description. So yeah, don't worry about me. I'm in this 100%. You are saving up money to visit me and move to my city so the only thing I can do in return is wait for you and show you how much I appreciate everything you've done when you get here.