New Years New Resolution

I know there are many people who think new year's resolutions are stupid. Recently I even read an article ranting about how you shouldn't kiss on new years eve. I personally disagree because I love the stupid new year's traditions like resolutions and midnight kisses. I mean people are always going to hate things so there's no reason to let them ruin your fun.

This year my resolutions fit into two categories: be healthier and do better in school. I put my resolutions in categories because I think it's more achievable to set small goals that contribute to a larger goal.

When it comes to being healthier, one of the things I am going to do is start doing at home workouts again. I also want to cut pop out of my diet as I've already stopped myself from wanting chips so I'm moving on to pop now. They are not huge changes so I think they are manageable. I also have the fact that I'm apart from my boyfriend to keep me motivated so I can have an amazing body when he comes back (side note: this is my personal opinion, he loves me as I am, I just want to be the best I can be).

When it comes to doing better in school, I'm basically just going to start doing things I should have been doing since the beginning. I will do my readings for all my classes, hopefully before the classes but at least before the tests. I will create special study notes throughout the semester instead of leaving it to the week before the exam. I will do any practice problems I get. Lastly, I will do school work for at least ten hours every week. I barely got through last semester so I want to prove to myself that I do belong in university and I can get good grades if I put in the effort.

What is First Love?

Throughout my life, I've always tried to define one word, love. It's so mysterious to me because love can be felt in so many different ways. When I looked up the definition one that came up was, love is a person or thing one loves. No wonder it confuses me because even love can't be defined without using the word love.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot and I've been wondering who my first love was. If first love is the first person you have strong feelings of affection for, it would be my 4th-grade crush. If first love is the first person who also feels those strong feelings for you, it would be my first boyfriend. If first love is the first person you know you are in love with, it would be my current boyfriend.

I suppose there is no real reason I need to figure out who my first love was. It's just that as I get older and gain more experience, I'm learning more and more about what love is. I feel like some people don't even have to question what love is but I always have.

After thinking about it for a while I settled on an answer that makes sense to me. My first love was my first boyfriend because even though I wasn't in love with him, I did love him. I can't count any of my crushes as love because I don't think unrequited love is the same as requited love. I also can't call my current boyfriend my first love even though he's the first guy I've been in love with because that would be completely ignoring the feelings I had for my first boyfriend and how hard it was more me to get over them. I know it may seem weird that I consider loving someone and being in love with someone as completely different things but, to me, they are. I think first love is kind of open to interpretation but that's how I see it.

My Favourite Quotes

Sunsets are proof endings can be beautiful too

Even your worst days only have 24 hours

You'll be perfect for the one that deserves you

One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it didn't work out with anyone else

Eventually soulmates meet for they have the same hiding place

Fall down seven times, get up eight

Nothing is impossible, the word impossible itself says I'm possible 

My University Breakdown

Currently, I'm going through some issues... Actually, I've felt this way for a while now but since it is my second year I thought I should start dealing with my issues instead of ignoring them.

A lot of the time I worry that I'm in the wrong program. My grades kinda suck. Even when I think I know the material I don't do well on the tests. I understand that getting bad grades doesn't necessarily mean you are in the wrong program but it really hurts my self-esteem. I believe biology is something I enjoy and want to pursue but I lack the motivation because it seems no matter how much I study, I get the same results.

The other program I considered doing was writing. I enjoy writing a lot and I know I could get good grades in the program without much effort. However, I didn't think I would learn as much studying writing as I would studying biology so ultimately I decided against it.

Right now I am having a breakdown because I don't feel passionate about what I'm doing. It's hard to force myself to study and go to classes. I really want to be excited about learning biology but I just can't do it right now. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Sometimes I think that after I get my degree I won't even go into biology. I wonder if it's pointless for me to get this degree if I'm not sure I want to do anything with it right away. Unlike others in biology, I have no interest in getting a master's degree. The best biology jobs all require master's degrees but I just don't want to do any more school after my undergraduate is done. The idea for me was always to get my degree as soon as possible and then figure out what I want to do. I always thought that even if I didn't go into biology in the beginning if I got the degree I would always have the option of changing my mind without having to go back to school. As I get older, I'm not sure it's a smart idea to get a degree in something you want to 'come back to' instead of something you earnestly want to pursue.

To be totally honest, I really want to have a creative job. I adore biology and I find lab work really interesting but it's a bit soul-sucking (or at least my lectures are). I want to be able to express myself and do things my way. If nothing changes in me by the time I graduate, I think I will try to launch a writing career. I always viewed writing as something I would come back to after I got myself accomplished but now I'm thinking I want to try it out first while I'm young then try to fall back on biology if things don't work out. However, yet again I don't know if this is a smart idea.

Basically, I'm just in a rut right now. I can't decide if the decisions I've made are good decisions. I know I'm young and I have plenty of time but I still feel like I'm in a rush. I feel like I have to do things a certain way in order to be successful and if I go off of the trail I'll be lost forever.

Unconditional Love

I hope one day when I get married I love my spouse as much as I love my dog. Every time I see my dog I start to smile because she is so cute. I run over to her and give her a hug and kiss her little head. I call her ridiculous nicknames because she is so lovely I can't settle on one. Even when she makes me mad, I forgive her because I love her so much. And when I'm feeling upset she comes over to me and sits right next to me, comforting me with only her presence. I know it may seem silly but I think if I loved my spouse as unconditionally as I love my dog, we'll live a very happy life.

Am I Able to Fall in Love? Part 2

About a year ago I wrote a blog post about whether or not I thought I was capable of falling love. I ended the post by saying I was worried I'd never fall in love. That just shows how much your life can change in just one year.

To answer the question, yes I am able to fall in love. I know the answer now because I have fallen in love for the first time in my almost 20 years of life. I've heard before in life that love isn't something you can explain but you'll know it when you feel it. That saying never used to make sense to me. However, after falling in love for the first time, I truly understand what that quote means.

To be completely honest, within hours of meeting, I knew things were different with him. Around him, I feel safe and comfortable. Not to say that my heart doesn't race but that's not the important part of love. To me, I'd say love is being able to show someone your complete self without holding anything back. I have no way of explaining exactly how I know that I've fallen in love. Love really isn't something that can be explained or justified, you just feel it.

For now, I'm keeping these feelings to myself. To me, the moment you say you love someone for the first time is very important. I've never had that big moment when a guy tells me he loves me, it's always been kinda meaningless. That's why when I say I love you for the first time, I want it to be completely sincere. Even though I know that I'm in love with my boyfriend, I want to wait until we are in person to say it. I feel like if I said it through video chat it would take away the meaning of it.

In conclusion yes I am able to fall in love.

The first thing my boyfriend ever said to me reminds me a lot of this quote

Why Now?

You asked me once, "Why couldn't we have met earlier?"
But timing is an important part of a relationship.
It wasn't just that we went to different high schools or were in different grades. It didn't have anything to do with the fact that even in the same space we still wouldn't have crossed paths.
You came into my life now because I wasn't ready for you in the past.
Back then I wouldn't have appreciated you, I wouldn't have been able to treat you right, and I wouldn't have realized how special you are.
I was scared, afraid and broken.
I think that even someone as perfect for me as you, wouldn't have been able to last in my life.
We met now because now I can open my whole heart to someone.
I'm not afraid to say the truth.
I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong or that I'm doing things wrong.
I'm not afraid to let someone get to know the real me.
And I'm not afraid to be in love.
If you look back on your life, you might be able to see it too.
All the reasons you weren't ready to meet me.
People come into our lives at different times for different reasons.
I've always believed dating is just practice for when you meet the right person.
Even if I got my heart broken and it was painful at times, dating other people has prepared me for meeting you.
Without those experiences, I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't be a person who could accept you 100% into my life.
We met now because now we are prepared.

Emotionally Exhausted

I'll say first off that this doesn't happen very often, but since I entered my long distance relationship I have occasionally had days like today where I feel completely worn out emotionally. It doesn't correlate to how long I've gone without talking to him though because I literally video chatted with him yesterday.

I'd describe this feeling as just a messed up combination of emotions. I'm a little bit sad, upset, mopey, tense, nervous, happy, excited and tired all at the same time. On a scale of good to bad, this feeling is more towards bad but it does have positive emotions in it as well.

I think I feel emotionally exhausted today because I was so happy yesterday that I wore myself out.

Being in a long distance relationship is demanding on your emotions. Most of the time I can go about my day normally sort of forgetting the situation I'm in. There is always a part of me that misses him and wishes he was here but usually my logical side wins and I have a normal day. On the rare days where I can't handle my feelings, I'm an emotional wreck like I am today. Sometimes I'm resentful that he lives so far away, other times I'm sad that I can't spend time with him like other couples do, and other times I'm upset because it's still so long until I get to see him again.

In the end, I'm in this situation because I want to be. Like I said most of the time I'm completely fine. It's just those rare days where the missing him takes over and completely screws around with my emotions to the point that I just want to sleep all day. I know when I'm going to see him again and I know when our long distance will end so it's not as bad for me as it is for other people. I enjoy having time to myself and I know waiting for him will be worth it. Today I'm just a bit exhausted.

I'm In

I don't have any way to prove it to you but I can wait for you. Even back when I thought I'd have to go eight months without seeing you in person, I still knew I could wait. Could is the wrong word, I want to wait. I can't say this to you partially because it's too cheesy and partially because I don't want to scare you off but there's a reason I am so certain. Never before have I connected so much with a guy. After meeting you and getting to know you, I'm not sure I'll ever meet someone more suited towards me.

It's similar to the reason I deleted tinder because I knew after meeting you, I wasn't going to find anyone better on there. Actually meeting you was a complete fluke and I can't even explain why I liked you. I think it was along the lines of me seeing your picture thinking you were cute, reading your description and finding out you weren't from here, then swiping right just 'cause. I didn't think you would match with me, I didn't think you would message me, and I didn't think we would meet up. I didn't expect any of it and honestly, I wasn't even in a place where I was looking for someone. My boyfriend had just broken up with me two weeks before I started talking to you. I was over him but I didn't want to just jump right back into dating either as I had been doing it almost constantly for four months and nothing was going the way I wanted it to. But then I met you and things were different than they had ever been before. Everything was easy and I wasn't stressed out at all. However, I knew you were leaving soon so I didn't really take it seriously. It wasn't until you started messaging me after you had left that I started to think maybe this could work.

Now here we are. I know I can't predict the future or how things will go but I will do everything in my power so that we have a chance. There are so many things I want to do with you that I won't give up on those experiences with you just because I get lonely. I think you could be the guy I actually fall in love with. I've never been in love and I'm kinda scared of love so that's saying a lot. I don't want to date just anybody. I want to date someone who is like my best friend, someone who I can tell everything to and who can make me laugh like no one else, but who is also still my boyfriend so we can go on dates and make out and stuff. To be honest you're the first guy I've dated who has fit that description. So yeah, don't worry about me. I'm in this 100%. You are saving up money to visit me and move to my city so the only thing I can do in return is wait for you and show you how much I appreciate everything you've done when you get here.

My Relationship Anxiety

I tried doing a google search on how I'm feeling (bad idea I know) but I couldn't find anything. Now I have no idea if this is just me or if other people have felt this. So in hopes that this will help me or someone else, I'm going to explain exactly what my relationship anxiety is.

My relationship anxiety only appears when I enter a relationship. I don't feel anxious at all when I'm talking/flirting with someone I like but the second they mention a relationship I freak out. It's not because I don't want to be in a relationship because I do, there is just something about someone saying I'm their girlfriend that makes my anxiety go into overdrive. Once I realize that this person I really like, likes me back, I always get the same symptoms. First of all, I get really shaky and I can't stop myself from shaking until I distract myself with something else (like music or a tv show). Secondly, I throw up. The throwing up doesn't happen one hundred percent of the time but enough that I know it's related. Lastly, I completely lose my appetite. These symptoms can last anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of weeks.

Example 1: When I was texting my first boyfriend, I was totally happy until he said he wanted to be in a relationship and asked me on a date. The second I realized I might actually get a boyfriend, my anxiety kicked in. It didn't last too long because we set up the date for the next day. That entire night was miserable for me. I slept for a grand total of five minutes because I was shaking so much and I threw up twice. The date ended up going alright but I couldn't enjoy it because I was so exhausted by not sleeping and throwing up.

You might ask yourself, "why did she go on the date when she was feeling so bad?" The reason was that I knew it would just keep happening if I rescheduled the date. Plus I didn't want that terrible night to be in vain, so I just wanted to go on the date in hopes that I would never feel like that again.

Example 2: When I dated my second boyfriend I realized this was something I wasn't going to be able to escape. I thought it happened the first time because I was inexperienced and I hoped that since I had already dated someone it wouldn't happen again. However, with my second boyfriend, it happened pretty much the entire time we dated. I lost seven pounds in one month because I was unable to eat.

By this point, I came to another realization that my relationship anxiety probably came from being unable to predict what would happen. I am someone who needs to feel like I'm in control. Relationships are not something you can control and they are very unpredictable. I think the reason I feel relationship anxiety is because I feel out of control. With my first boyfriend, I quickly realized that he was really easy to predict and rarely tried to make a move on me, that's why the anxiety didn't last long with him. But, with my second boyfriend he was more unpredictable and very affectionate, so I never really knew what was going to happen.

Example 3: I technically just entered a relationship. We are long distance and have been talking for a little over a month. It wasn't until yesterday I felt the relationship anxiety for the first time. This is a bit of a weird situation for me because it usually affects me in the beginning. I know him pretty well so I can kinda predict how things will go. I have no idea if I was just triggered by the word relationship this time or what happened. I feel so comfortable around him and I know I don't have to be worried about him making a move or going too fast with me because he literally lives across the country. I'm kinda thinking that I'm freaking out this time because this seems like my real shot to have an actual long-term relationship. I guess it seems so perfect and things are going so well that I'm scared things will change now that we are actually in a relationship.

For now, I have no concrete idea what triggers my relationship anxiety and how to fix it. From experience, it seems to go away with time, usually when I become more comfortable around the person. It is weird that it happened with the person I'm more comfortable around than most people in my life. I'm hoping it's just a mini freak out and I'll get better soon.

If you ever feel like this, I hope you are comforted to know you aren't the only one. I've read about people feeling this way when in a bad relationship or after having had a bad relationship but I've only ever been in nice, healthy relationships. Although it's a weird thing to go through and you might feel like you are messed up because you feel this way, you are still a perfectly good person capable of love. Don't let it make you think you shouldn't be in relationships. Just think of it as a hurdle to overcome and once you do, you can enjoy spending time with someone you really love and who loves you back. It may be scary but keep hope that you'll overcome it one day.

Accurately describing my current relationship

I Wanna Quit My Job

I got really lucky with the job I got for the summer. I got plenty of hours and even when I didn't want plenty of hours, my workplace was understanding. They allowed me to be flexible with my hours, never forcing me into shifts I couldn't take. Even now they are understanding that I can't work more than one shift a week. My co-workers are all very nice and even though my supervisors can be a bit intimidating, I know they are nice people as well who are just trying to do their jobs.

But when it comes down to it, I really want to quit my job. It has nothing to do with being unhappy with my job but just that I'm unhappy that I have a job. In my life, I have budgeted my finances so that I'm good money wise for the next year or so. Being that I have no need for money and I don't really like being in customer service, I want to quit. The only issue is I'm too scared to quit.

Many people would tell me, don't write a blog post about wanting to quit your job because your employer could find it and fire you. Honestly, I wouldn't even mind getting fired, that way I wouldn't have to deal with the awkwardness of quitting. (Yes I'm a weird person like that, I avoid people at all costs. It's kinda ironic I work in customer service right?)

At this point in my life, I don't want to be working. I want to dedicate myself to being a student. I'd also like to keep my long distance relationship intact and find some time to work on my hobbies. I kind of want to try to make videos again and start improving my drawing skills. As much as I find science fascinating, I miss being creative. So yeah, I want to quit my job, I just have to find the courage first.

Timelines Don't Matter

I don't know if this is a weird me thing but in relationships, I obsess about the timeline. For example how long you should wait until you kiss someone or how long you have to date someone before it becomes serious. In my mind, I'm always calculating at what stage in our relationship we should be at in regards to how long we've been together. It especially gets bad because I obsess a lot about affectionate type things like don't kiss someone on the first date or don't say I love you too early.

The key thing I've learned recently is there is no point obsessing over time in a relationship. The reason is I was more committed to sticking to an appropriate timeline than doing what I felt comfortable with or what I wanted to do in my heart. There were times when I felt ready for certain things but I put it off because I didn't want to mess up the timeline by doing it too early. Other times I tried to speed things up in order to stick to the timeline instead of letting things happen naturally.

With the current guy I like, I'm not thinking about the timeline at all. Part of the reason is that we live in different places so we can't follow a normal timeline because we don't see each other in person. However, the main reason is that I'm trying to follow my heart for once instead of my head. This guy is the first guy I've ever kissed on the first date. The funny thing is, it didn't feel too soon at all. When he first asked to kiss me, that rational side of me told me it was too soon but I ended up doing it anyway which is a decision I'm very happy with. If I had kissed other guys that soon, it probably would have felt rushed so that just goes to show that each relationship is different and will follow its own unique timeline. 

*you do NOT need to follow this*

Are They The Right One For Me?

Do you ever feel like a relationship feels completely different when it has ended compared to when it was happening? It seems like sometimes you get so caught up in the happy, someone actually likes me feelings that you don't really consider how well they suit you.

Case and point is I was dating this guy recently who I feel completely different about now vs then. When I was dating him I was totally infatuated, he really could do no wrong in my eyes. He was a cute, affectionate guy who treated me well. However, looking back at it now, I realize how doomed that relationship was. We really had nothing in common so we didn't talk very much. Quite often it felt like he was ignoring me but I assumed that was just because we had nothing to talk about. His "affection" was more like he wanted to get in my pants and less like he was loving. Looking back I think the only reason I was in that relationship was because I was attracted to him, there was really nothing else there.

When it comes to what kind of relationship I want this is what I always say, I want someone like a best friend but a best friend I can make out with. So to me, the most important quality a guy could have is being emotionally compatible with me, hence like a best friend. I think you can always tell whether or not you are emotionally compatible, sometimes you just want to ignore it because you like the person. 

Despite the fact that I keep saying I don't want to settle, I keep settling. The reason for that is I just didn't know how to tell if they are right for me. Recently I met someone who I connect with in a way I've never connected with someone before. I'm such a weirdo around him but he just thinks the weird parts of me are cute and is equally as weird himself. Meeting him has shown me exactly what it feels like to meet someone who suits you. Not only have I gotten a clear view of my past relationships but I've become surer of what I want in future relationships. 

My New Beginning Starts Today

It's strange to feel this way. I haven't seen you in a while and I don't even think of you that much. It's been a week since you broke up with me and I can honestly say I'm doing okay. It's only when I go to certain places that I get sad.

Currently, I can't handle the breakwater, downtown, the park near your house, the beach, and the mountain.

Tonight I went to the breakwater with a friend and I kept looking around for you. For some reason since we went there together once I expected to see you, but of course, I knew you weren't going to be there. I realized tonight how strange it feels to walk around with someone without holding hands. It became like second nature to me that something felt missing every time I took a step. Although you weren't with me, it felt like you were because the memories from that day are still so clear.

I fully accept how things turned out. Sometimes I think about you coming back into my life but I know you never will. I know I can't go back but I won't make the same mistakes twice. In the moment I was so scared of getting close and I wasn't sure I could trust you yet. Looking back I should have just went for it and not held back. Next time when I'm with a guy I like as much as I liked you, I'll be sure to show it.

Now that it's over, all I think about is what I missed out on by holding back. Every opportunity I missed to kiss you. All the times I moved way because I was afraid of being too close. The only regrets I have about you are the things I didn't do.

I don't care if you still think of me but I hope you remember me in a good light. Because even if I was cold and I constantly pushed you away, I really did like you.

Bittersweet Ending

I recently experienced a new first in my life, being broken up with. In the past, I've always been the heartbreaker. I've always wondered what it was like to be on the other side of a breakup. To tell you the truth, I still think breaking up with someone is harder overall than being broken up with. Being broken up with sucks, but it's a short-term pain. Breaking up with someone is a pain you feel for a long time.

I was shaken by the experience because I really liked the guy I was seeing. I didn't want it to happen, but I could tell it was coming. Being with him made me really happy, even if we weren't together for long. In all honesty, I'm not mad or upset that he broke up with me. I'm just sad because I'll miss seeing him.

The last time I had strong feelings for a guy was about three years ago so I was happy to be able to experience feeling like that again. There are many things I wished I could have gotten to do with him but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Although being broken up with tastes bitter, the memories I have will leave a sweet aftertaste.

Returning to Uni

I was only away from university for about two months, almost three but I must say it feels really good to be back. I love my campus and even though I have still yet to make any friends after a year, I still like being there. Studying is enjoyable to me, even though it can be tough to make myself do it. Just going to classes, sitting around campus, and riding my usual bus feels nice. Although I was wasn't gone for long, I missed going to university every day.

It's also really nice right now because there are fewer people around because it is summer. Things don't feel as stressful and crazy as they do during the normal school year. It's like I finally have a chance to enjoy the experience.

I was someone who romanticized university life before I ever experienced it and I had a lot of hopes for it. I must say it has only gotten better as time has gone on. At first, I didn't know what I was doing and couldn't understand how to do well in university. I haven't mastered it yet but I'm getting better. I'd say the only things university is missing for me are some friends and maybe a boyfriend. Those two things were included in my university expectations and although they haven't happened for me yet, I still have hope that they will. I have three more years so, at the very least, I think I can make one friend in that time.

I actually have a part-time job right now so I think having that experience of working just makes me appreciate my university life even more. I like my job, but it can be stressful since it requires a lot of interacting with people which exhausts me. In university, I can choose whether or not I want to be social which is something I cherish.  I want to make friends, but sometimes I just want to be alone and do my own thing. At my work, all the people I work with are really nice so it's a good atmosphere to be in. Despite how nice it is, I know it's not the sort of job I could keep up long term because I need something where I can be antisocial at times. I will admit having money is nice and I do feel more grown up now that I'm working. University is still the best place for me though.

Why is Being Single a Bad Thing?

Being nineteen years old I just don't see the importance of being in a relationship. It's not that I hate relationships but I just don't see why I need to have one right now. I'm young, I enjoy being on my own, and I don't like depending on others.

I'm currently single and recently stopped dating someone. When I stopped seeing this person I was told beforehand that I shouldn't end it until I found a new guy. To me that was bizarre, why did I need to have someone new? Did they not realize that I just wanted to be completely single again?

When I was younger being in a relationship was more of an accomplishment than anything else. I'll admit I went into my first relationship just wanting to have a relationship. Thankfully, I did have true feelings for the guy but honestly, I would have said yes to anyone just because I wanted to experience a relationship. I quickly realized how wrong I was for thinking that way. Once that relationship ended I was stuck in a place where I both wanted a new relationship very quickly and wanted to wait until I fell in love. I ended up feeling sort of pathetic because I didn't date for a long time after that relationship. However, I also realized there was nothing wrong with waiting to date until I found someone I really liked.

When I started dating again, I realized that I was overcome by the fact that it had been so long since I last dated and I just felt like I should start again. I ended up not waiting for someone I really liked and I just started dating because I was bored. I met a nice guy but I just didn't like him the way I wanted to. Now, more than ever, I've realized it was right of me to want to wait until I found someone I really liked. Settling doesn't feel good, not for me or for the other person. I don't care if I have to wait for a year, two years, or five years; I want the next person I date to be someone I truly love.

Being single is not a bad thing. You shouldn't feel the need to go from relationship to relationship just so you won't feel alone. Wait until you find someone you truly like and connect with to date. Being single is way better than being in the wrong relationship.

Applying for Jobs is Tiring

I really, really want to get a summer job.

My summer is twice as long now that I'm in university instead of high school. I remember how bored I got after two months, I can't even imagine how bored I'll be after four months. I'm taking two summer classes but even that leaves me with way too much free time. Plus I need money for school, so a job is what I seek.

Maybe it's my introverted nature or the fact that I over stress out about everything, but I'm so drained by the job seeking process. It's getting to the point where I can't sleep at night because I'm constantly looking up jobs online. I also spend way too much time looking up job finding tips, none of which seem to help much.

Today I went to the mall to apply for jobs but I got overwhelmed so I only gave out half as many resumes as I planned. I tried really hard to show that I would be a good worker but I was so awkward that I just came off as weird. I'm almost positive I was unsuccessful today.

I'm planning on switching my focus to downtown since tourist season is fast approaching and I'm probably more likely to get a job there. Ideally, I want to be a sales associate or a waitress but I'll probably take whatever I can get.

Regardless, I'm really tired today. I think it was a combination of lack of sleep, applying for jobs and walking around a lot. I have work to do for my class but I'll probably do it all tomorrow. Right now I just need to recharge.

It's Okay to Treat Yourself

Since I started university I have gone a little crazy about saving money. In the last eight months, I've spent less than sixty dollars on myself, that's including food. The reason I'm able to avoid spending money is that I still live at home so I don't need to worry about rent or meals. Regardless, I'm not sure this is the best way to live my life. I don't want to go and blow all my money but I don't want to continue being so crazy about saving.

Right now I don't have a job so that makes it really tough for me to decide to do something for myself. In my mind, it's clothing vs a textbook, and textbook always wins. I've gotten some help from my family to pay for my schooling but I don't have enough money to cover everything. Textbooks especially are going to drain my wallet. My goal right now is to get a job and work as many hours as possible until I go back to classes, but it can be tough to get a job with no experience.

My saving obsession has gotten to the point where I don't even spend money that is specifically for me to use such as Christmas money, birthday money, or babysitting money. I actually spent my Christmas money on textbooks.

That's why I decided to treat myself to something a little bit expensive. I went to the hairdresser and got a bunch of blonde streaks put in my hair. It was a bit hard for me to justify spending that money on myself but I worked so hard for eight months so I just decided to do it.

At the end of the day, life isn't just about working hard and saving money. What's the point of working hard if you aren't even going to do anything with your money? I'm not saying go out and blow all your savings but just know it's okay to treat yourself once in a while.

Wisdom Teeth Surgery: Complete Coverage Up To One Week After

Before surgery: I was extremely nervous about pretty much everything. My body was shaking like crazy while I was waiting. The nurses must have thought it was because I was cold, not anxious, so they kept covering me in blankets. In particular, I was nervous about the IV but it was fine. I'd probably say a shot is worse than an IV for comparison. I have no idea when I was knocked out, all I remember is them saying they were putting some sort of medicine in the IV and after that, I have no memory.

After surgery: When I woke up the nurses were moving me to the recovery room. I didn't really say anything but I laughed a lot. They needed two nurses to move me as I didn't have much of a sense of balance. I felt like I waited for my mom to pick me up for a long time. I didn't really do much in that time but I kept looking at my heart monitor, probably out of curiosity. When my mom came she helped me walk out of the car. When we were in the elevator I was still kinda weird and I kept laughing. There was a cute guy in the elevator who probably thought I was acting really funny all drugged up since he kept smiling at me. After that, we went home.

1st day: To my surprise, I felt perfectly fine except for a little bit of cheek soreness. I had a great appetite and the strong medicine didn't even knock me out. I always took my medicine at the correct time and didn't feel any pain. I basically spent the whole day lying in bed, watching movies, and icing my face. I took my medicine right before I went to sleep and I slept great. Using a scale of 1-10 on how bad the day was with 1 being great and 10 being unbearable, I'd say it was a 2/10.

2nd day: My cheeks were still a little bit sore but more swollen than anything. I continued eating well but found myself to be more sleepy this day. I could feel stuff on each side of my cheeks which I assumed were the blood clots or just a side effect from the swelling so I left them alone. I also had to start rinsing my mouth with salt water which I did very gently. The first time I did the rinse I did it standing up in the bathroom but I got really dizzy so the next time I did it in bed into a bowl which worked way better. I continued with the same dose of pain medicine as the first day. The rating of my day was 4/10.

3rd day: I threw up the night before, most likely because of the medicine so I stopped taking it. The pain was basically gone anyway. My cheeks were still swollen and it was harder this day because my body didn't seem to want any food. My mouth wouldn't open very wide. The left side of my face was more swollen and had pain whereas the right side was only a little swollen and had no pain. I also had a lot of saliva and swallowing was a bit tough because of that. I continued with the rinses. The rating of my day was a 5/10.

4th day: The pain is gone! There is still slight discomfort and chewing still isn't possible but generally, it's just swollen cheeks that are the problem. I woke up super hungry but I'm completely sick of potatoes, applesauce, ice cream, and pudding. I'm starting to add more interesting foods in my diet such as canned oranges, kraft dinner, and cupcakes which is good since I'm getting more food into my body again. The annoying thing is it takes me a long time to eat since I can only somewhat chew with my front teeth. I've also been trying to walk around the house a little bit, my head is kinda loopy when I do but I don't feel faint so that's good. The salt water rinses are still annoying and gross but I do them. The rating of my day was a 3/10.

5th day: I'm almost a normal human again! I'm able to walk around just fine, no dizziness and no loopy head. The swelling is reduced, still there but less than it was yesterday. I noticed today I have a bruise on my face and one where I had my IV in but that's normal so I'm not worried. Since it's been a while now I think I'm free from the risk of dry sockets but I'm still being careful so I don't get an infection. The only issues I have now, besides the swollen cheeks, are that my mouth still doesn't open very wide and I'm a ridiculously slow eater. It took me almost two hours to eat a burger today, one the size of a burger in a McDonald's happy meal. However, since I can eat more foods now I'm happy, even if it takes me hours to consume them. I know this is gross but I also took my first shower since having the surgery. The rating of my day was a 2/10.

6th day: I'm basically the same as I was yesterday just slightly better. Nothing really changed. I should probably mention I'm not yet at the point where I will go anywhere near my incisions. I only eat with my front teeth and I haven't been brave enough to brush my molars at all. I'm planning to wait at least a week until I try getting near them. Also, I noticed today that when I was doing my salt water rinsing a piece of the stitches came out. I've been feeling loose stitches on the top right wound so I'm hoping it was that one that came out, I have dissolvable stitches so it's normal for them to start coming out now.

7th day: I hardly look swollen at all today. I still have bruising but I don't mind it. Basically, everything is normal now except I still have to watch my diet. My jaw has loosened up a bit so I'm able to eat faster now. Sadly I won't be able to have the things I love such as dragon fruit, popcorn, or cucumber rolls for a long time because they could get stuck in my sockets.

So that's the end of my wisdom teeth journey. I got all four teeth out at nineteen years old when the teeth roots weren't fully grown yet and before they broke through the gums. I think part of the reason it went so well is I got it done at the easiest possible time. Although it's scary when you hear you need surgery, it's best to just get it done before problems occur. Overall as long as you are careful and you take it easy, recovery won't be too bad.

First Year Recap

Classes are over and exams are finished. It seems like a good time for a little recap on how the first year went.

First Semester:
I had no clue what I was doing 90% of the time. Everything was overwhelming and I felt like a complete failure. My grades were the worst they've ever been. I had no idea what I was doing wrong so I didn't know how to fix it. I realized yet again that I'm terrible at making friends; I come on too strong then don't know how to follow up with people. It was basically four months that destroyed my confidence.

Second Semester:
I started with a blank slate, not letting the mistakes from last semester make me lose hope for this one. I found a good study place that was quiet and made me feel guilty if I didn't study while I was there. My focus was staying optimistic. I studied better and my grades got higher. Also, I realized that it was stupid to beat myself up over not doing well on co-requisite courses because they weren't my focus of study. The first four months destroyed my confidence but these four months started to build it back up again.

Overall I'd say my first year didn't go too bad. I think I'm starting to reach the point where I can actually enjoy university which makes me really happy. I ended this year wanting to continue studying so I think that's the main thing. Even though it was tough, I never wanted to quit. I'll see this through until the end and one day I'll thank myself for it.

Wisdom Teeth Surgery Fears

In a couple of days, I will be getting all four of my wisdom teeth surgically removed. As of now, only one tooth has started to poke through the gums while the other three are still underneath. I have no pain but on recent x-rays, it showed that my teeth will impact as they come in so they need to go.

I'm currently nineteen years old and besides from when I was born, I've never been in the hospital. I also don't really take medication since I can't swallow pills. Although I'm grateful I've lived such a healthy life so far, I'm even more scared since this is my first medical procedure.

It's not so much that I'm scared of them doing the surgery on me but I'm more scared about the before and after. Weirdly enough I'm terrified of the IV. I don't have a fear of needles and I'm completely fine getting shots but I've never had blood drawn (to my memory) so I'm really worried they'll have problems getting the IV in me. Other than that I'm scared I won't be able to deal with the recovery process very well since I can't swallow pills so pain medication will be tough.

The only thing keeping me calm is knowing that after a week or two of recovery it will be all over and I'll never have to do it again. Although I'm scared, I'm going to have to do it at one point or another so I may as well do it now since recovery is easier when you are younger. I'll try to be brave so wish me good luck.

Dating: It Never Gets Easier

Back when I was a kid I always thought dating was simple. You like someone, they like you, you date. However, it's hardly ever that easy.

I'll admit I got into my first relationship really easily as we knew each other through our families. Moving from an ambiguous stage to a dating stage happened easily too. Even though everything lined up perfectly, dating was still hard. The first time was a learning experience filled with many, many mistakes.

For some reason, I thought that once you started dating it became really easy to find people to date. After my relationship ended I thought I would find someone new in a matter of months. Because I now had "experience" I thought guys would just start coming up to me and showing interest in me but that didn't happen. I was shocked to realize I was just as awkward as I was before I started dating.

Currently, I'm at an ambiguous stage with a potential second boyfriend and it's giving me a lot of flashbacks to my first relationship. I thought having experience would make things easier this time around but it just makes it harder. Although I should have the upper hand, I'm just as clueless as I was before. I still get so nervous I feel like throwing up, I still have no clue how to make conversation, and I'm still unable to make any sort of move.

I wish it got easier as time goes on but it doesn't. Every relationship is different just like every person is different. Every time you have to adapt to something new so it's hard to have everything go smoothly from the very beginning. No matter how many relationships you've had, your heart will still flutter like it's the first time.

(The picture of bell peppers doesn't have much relevance but it's cute)

False Sense of Confidence: Exams

I had my last day of classes a couple of days ago and today I had my first final which was for chemistry. Despite the fact that I had plenty of time to study, I maybe spent three hours studying over a seven day period. I had notecards prepared already and I circled all the questions I should do in my textbook but I couldn't make myself study. Some may say it's a simple case of procrastination, I say it's a false sense of confidence.

What I mean is I don't study because I feel like I already know the material. In reality, I do not know the material. Thus a false sense of confidence.

Despite this, I felt like I did pretty good on my exam. I was able to solve the majority of the questions with only minimal guessing. I got tired near the end of the exam and I hadn't eaten much that day so my condition wasn't very good. Strangely I don't regret not studying. Even if I had studied, I don't think I would have done much better.

I did feel sort of bad about my habits when I was waiting to go into the exam. People around me were talking about how much they had been studying and how they only got three hours of sleep each night because they were up late studying. Meanwhile, I got around seven hours of sleep every night and had way too much free time. I felt like I was a slacker but I've never been the type to hardcore study. Even when I'm most productive I do maybe five hours of studying a day and I never let it interfere with my sleep. I'm not sure whether my way or their way is best.

Either, way I need to shake this false sense of confidence before my other exams. I'll do good on my math one regardless but I have no clue what's going on in physics so let's hope I actually study for that one.

Lonely

For a significant amount of time now I've felt happiest being in my room. I gain most of my happiness from tv shows; my mom often comments on how much I giggle alone in my room. Music is another source of happiness. Whether it's tv shows, movies, youtubers, or celebrities, I'll admit I rely on different things in order to make me feel like I'm connected to people. Maybe this sounds sad and I guess it is, however, I don't feel sad in my room. I feel sad when I'm out in the world with no one to talk to and nothing to do. To tell you the truth, I'm lonely. I wish I had a social life but there's just no one for me to be with. People who I consider friends don't even contact me. I wish I could go back in time when making friends was easy and people always wanted to hang out. Now everyone's so busy. I don't know how to escape this loneliness.

Why I'm Not Celebrating My Birthday

My 19th birthday will be the first time I will not be celebrating my birthday. The only thing I'm doing is going out to lunch with my parents and older brother. Basically, it's the first year I won't be having a birthday party or meeting up with friends.

You may wonder why after eighteen consecutive years of birthday parties I suddenly decide to stop doing it? Well, to be honest, it's pointless. Throughout the years my birthday has gotten less and less fun. Last year I only went out to dinner with my friends because I felt like I had to do something. It was nice to hang out with them but it wasn't fun the way my birthday was when I was a kid.

Another reason why I'm not doing anything is because I'm unable to do the one thing I really want to do. I become of drinking age this year which means I'm finally allowed to go to clubs. The problem is I can't go to a club on my birthday. Why? I'm the oldest one out of all of my friends. So even though I'm old enough to go, I have no one to go with me. Clubbing is really the only thing I want to do when I turn nineteen so instead of doing something else while I'm constantly wishing I was out clubbing, I'd rather just do nothing.

Although nineteen is somewhat a milestone birthday, I really don't feel like celebrating. This doesn't mean I won't stop celebrating birthdays altogether but just that I don't want to celebrate this year.

I wonder what my love of the sky says about me as a person?
The way I stay inside all day,
yet dream of the sun and the moon.
How nothing makes me more happy than looking at the stars,
and no matter how bad I feel, the sunset always calms me.
My mood goes up and down according to the colour of the sky.
When it's bright, I'm bright.
When it's dark, I'm dark.
Rainbows are my magic,
and shooting stars are my wishes.
Even when everything is going wrong,
I remember that the sky isn't always perfect either.
It, like I, changes throughout time.
Sometimes it shows the sunshine for the majority of the day,
sometimes it doesn't let the sun out at all.
Clouds and rain rule the day,
yet the sun will always come back.
Whenever I'm upset, or confused, or lack understanding of the world,
I look up at the sky.
Even if I don't have all the answers or things aren't going right,
the sky is always there for me.
Looking up at its beauty,
it assures me inside that everything will be alright.

What I Learnt From my First University Semester

1. High school and University are completely different, try to adjust fast. If you are having trouble don't get too upset about it and just give yourself a break because it is a huge change.

2. Most syllabuses are online now since professors don't want to waste paper so don't worry about losing one if you are given a paper copy. Write down any dates that are on there but depending on the class the syllabus could be extremely helpful or just very basic, so try to add your own deadlines for homework or studying so that you don't fall behind.

3. The textbook requirements don't change much in the last couple of weeks before classes start. You can wait until you attend the first couple of classes or you can buy them early. It really doesn't matter. However, lines at the bookstore are insane for the first week so be prepared to deal with that if you do wait.

4. Take a variety of classes at a variety of times. People say early classes are horrible but it may be different for you so try to figure out what's best. Personally, I've found that I can't do labs in the mornings because I'm too tired but I can follow along in early morning lectures since they are less involved. I've also found that I can't do lectures in late afternoon since I get really tired by the end of the day so I can't stand sitting and listening to someone talk for an hour or more but I can do labs around that time since it gives me a chance to move around after a whole day of sitting.

5. Space out your classes. Although it sucks to be at school for a long time, if you are like me and have trouble focusing at home, it's good to have that time between classes to study. It also gives you time to eat or hang out with friends.

6. No one cares if you eat/walk/study alone. Don't feel like a loser if you've had trouble making friends. University is about your education first and foremost so don't worry if your social life isn't great. Generally, most people are too busy studying to have a social life so don't feel like your the weird one for staying home all the time to do work.

7. If you do go to parties and drink, know your limit. Don't drink a lot just because other people are. Go easy the first couple of times until you figure out what your tolerance is. Getting black out drunk all the time isn't a good thing to do, just drink until you feel kinda drunk and stop there. Drink an enjoyable amount, not so much that you regret drinking in the first place.

8. University is not about going to parties, dating, or having a great social life; those are just bonuses you may or may not experience. It's for education. If you just want to have fun, don't go.

9. Although university can be a lot of hard work, remember to schedule in time to do things you want to do. Go for drives late at night, hang out with your friends, sit around watching movies all Sunday, practice your hobbies, etc. If you only focus on studying you are going to crash and burn really quickly. Stress is crazy in university so de-stressing is extremely important.

In the end, going to university isn't for everyone, it requires excellent balancing skills. Everyones' experience is different so just do things the way you want to. Take it easy at first and figure out how it all works, don't go crazy and take a bunch of classes right away or you'll regret it. Overall try to have a good time and get good marks.

Back to School

I had my first day of my second semester today. It's weird for me to be starting new classes in January since I've always been on a linear system but I'm adjusting. Overall things are okay, I'm kinda lonely but it's only the first day so I'm sure it'll get better.

The only bad things about today were just bad things about morning classes. My first class was at 8:30 am so I had to wake up at 7 am. I had trouble sleeping last night so I've been functioning on less than four hours of sleep. I really wanna take a nap but I know if I do I'll just mess up my sleeping pattern even more so I'm forcing myself to stay awake. The other bad thing was that I had to leave for my class so early that the sun wasn't even up yet. That's more of a bad thing about winter but it was still annoying for me that I had to leave when it was still dark out.

Wow, this post was fascinating... I guess that's what happens when you try to write a blog post when you're half asleep. Sorry, I just wanted to update since not much is happening lately.