I'm Ready To Be My Own Person

To this day the hardest question for me to answer is, tell me about yourself. Whenever I hear this I completely blank. All my life I've never really felt like me. I was my parents' daughter, my brother's sister, the best friend of so and so I was never just me. I feel like I've been defined by the people around me. Most of the people at school only know me because I'm a friend of someone else, the number of people who personally think of me as me is very few. Of course when you've always been known as so and so's best friend you never think too much about who you are without that person. When you're growing up there's always someone with you whether it's family or friends. However, there comes a point when you start to be independent and you can no longer be defined by who you know. You begin to wonder as you are doing things on your own for the first time who you really are.

I'm reaching that point in my life where I want to live my life independently. I want to do things on my own and figure out who I am. I know for sure I'm not the quiet, shy, smart girl that everyone thinks I am. I've been saying this for a while but I have two completely different personalities for when I'm at school and when I'm not at school. I'm just coming to the point where I only want one personality, my true personality. There's honestly nothing wrong with my image however it's hard to live up to being the nice smart one when there are times when you feel neither nice nor smart. I think this conception of me wanting to be my own person goes along with my dreams of university. When I think of university I always envision myself by myself. I don't think about following my friends around or doing what other people expect me to do. I just want to be me for once in my life even if I don't really know who I am.

Today I woke up to the absolute best news ever! I checked my email to see there was an email from the university I applied to and I got accepted! You do not know how relieved I am that everything worked out. It was the only school I applied to so I worried about not getting in. It was an early acceptance so it's conditional but as long as I keep doing well in school there are no problems. I just feel so relieved and so happy, this is the best day ever!

Maybe What She Told Me Was True

Some people can't be alone. Some people can be alone. I'm alone all the time but I can't stand it. I can't stand being lonely and I absolutely hate being single. For all of my life, I've had a crush on someone. Although I'm not the type to go from boyfriend to boyfriend, I always have a crush. In grade eleven I had no crush for the first time so I began to convince myself that I was in love with my ex. I've been in this state ever since. There are no guys at my school that I'm interested in so I cling onto the one I used to have. Even if deep down I know if he actually showed interest in me I wouldn't want him. I understand fully that he's not the one for me yet I hang on because I worry there will be no one else. It's been over two years, what's so wrong with me that no one else would like me? Why isn't there someone for me?

I told this to my best friend some time ago. She told me that I shouldn't worry about things like that. The guy who I want and wants me, he exists, I just haven't come across him yet. He could go to a different school or live in a different country. He could be someone I walked by on the street or someone I will bump into on the street later on. I could meet him in my university class or he could be the waiter at a new restaurant my friends make me try. He could be the guy I never noticed in class or the one I never knew had feelings for me. He could be the guy I meet at the airport when both our flights get delayed or he could be the guy I meet in a club downtown. The possibilities of where I could meet him or when he will come in my life are endless and it's kind of exciting. I'll never know when he'll show up but it makes me happy thinking of when he will.

People Of The Public

For someone who loves staying at home and generally dislikes people, I have a bit of a strange view on the general public. I don't mind random people talking to me. As I've grown up and started to go to everyday places by myself I've begun to realize this. Say if I'm at the grocery waiting at the checkout and someone else in the check out begins to chat with me I'll happily chat back. Or if a cashier begins to talk with me I'll have a little conversation with them. I enjoy it when people come up and talk to me because, despite the fact that I'm an introvert, I like it when people notice me and talk to me. Although there are limitations to this. I'm fine with women of all ages talking to me, probably because I'm a woman as well and women generally feel 'safe' to me. However, when it comes to men that's where age becomes a factor. I'm generally okay with guys who are around my age and younger talking to me but I'm only okay with older men if they don't give off a creepy vibe. Being a young female I have experienced creepy guys looking at me strangely and I hate it. So if a man comes up to me and he seems creepy to me I won't talk with him, I'll just leave as quickly as I can. But as long as someone doesn't seem creepy or dangerous to me, I'm more than happy to have a conversation with them. I like to feel connected to the rest of the world and it kind of makes me sad how often people in the public just ignore each other. I understand some people are having tough days and just want to be on their own but for those like me who like having conversations with people, it would be nice if we had more courage to just say hello to the people around us or chat when we have something in common. I think it would make the world seem like a friendlier place.