I Feel Sorry For Whoever Ends Up With Me Because I....

Whenever I catch myself doing something strange or I comment on a weird behaviour of mine, my first thought is always, "I feel sorry for whoever ends up with me."

 I usually just think of it as a joke to myself. Like haha, my husband will get so annoyed because I move around a lot in my sleep. Lol, he's going to be so pissed at me never doing the dishes.

I always thought of it as just a funny thought until I thought about it realistically. My joke is basically me being in a relationship with someone who hates the weird things I do. What? Why do I joke about this? That is the last thing I want. I don't want to end up with someone who secretly hates me. I want someone who actually enjoys the weird things I do but I guess I'm scared that I won't find someone like that so I view it as the exact opposite and make it into my personal joke. I'm constantly saying that I feel sorry for whoever ends up with me but in reality, he'll be lucky to end up with me and I'll be lucky to end up with him. Obviously, I wouldn't be with someone if that isn't true yet I still worry about it all the time.

No!!!! I Can't Get Sick Now!!!!

As far as immune systems go mine is pretty good. I generally only get sick a couple of times a year and it usually only lasts for a couple of days. However, I'm starting to get that sick feeling, you know when your throat starts to hurt and all you taste is sickness. This is probably one of the most interesting weeks I've had in a while since tomorrow I have piano lessons, the next day I'm babysitting, and the day after that I'm going to a dance at my friend's school. Usually, I'm lucky if I'm doing one interesting thing a week but this week I'm doing something interesting almost every day. Of course this is the week where I'm starting to get sick. I don't know what it is but you always seem to get sick at the most inconvenient times and it's so annoying. Nothing is going to stop me from having this action packed week so I don't care if I get sick because I'm going to do what I want anyway. Wow, that sounded really bratty, oh well. I might not even be getting sick anyway and I might just wake up tomorrow feeling completely fine I'm just thinking of the worst case scenario. So yeah, sickness, go away!

The Inevitability of Growing Up

Even though I'm still a teenager and I don't have to grow up right now, I know that it's going to happen soon. Before I know it I'll be able to drive a car by myself, I'll be in my last year of high school, and I'll be applying for university. All of those things scare the crap out of me despite how much I'm looking forward to them. I'm constantly stuck between wanting to grow up and never wanting to grow up. The sad thing is that I know I'll never be a kid again. I'm going to grow up, get a job, have a family, and live the normal adult life. I have no choice about that. Whether I like it or not, I'll grow up. I'll have to cook all my meals myself, drive myself everywhere, and be responsible for all the aspects of my life.When I was younger I couldn't wait to grow up but now that I'm getting closer and closer I wish I would have enjoyed being a kid more. To be completely honest I don't think I'll ever fully grow up. I'll be one of those annoying adults that dances around their house, sings in the car, and acts incredibly goofy whenever they can. Just because I'm going to grow up doesn't mean I have to lose all the fun childlike parts of my personality.

I Need More Sleep!

So like a lot of people out there I'm constantly sleep deprived. I'm a night owl and an insomniac which just doesn't work at all with my school schedule of waking up at 8 am. However, somehow my sleep schedule has gotten even worse lately...

For the past few months I'll get typically five hours of sleep on a weekday and about twelve hours of sleep on weekends. For some people that amount of time would be fine but for me it feels like I'm constantly either not sleeping enough or sleeping too much. Being a night owl I'm naturally more awake at night than in the day but I also have a very active mind so it's hard for me to shut myself up so I can fall asleep. My old sleep schedule gave me about 7 hours of sleep during weekdays and 10 hours of sleep on weekends which was more balanced than it is now. The only good thing about my sleeping habits is that I'm a deep sleeper so I don't constantly wake up in the middle of the night.

But besides from me rambling on about my sleeping patterns, my point is that being sleep deprived isn't fun. I'm constantly stressed out and always tired. I wish I could be different but I've been this way as long as I can remember. Even when I was a kid and I had a bedtime I would just lay awake in bed for hours trying to fall asleep so going to sleep earlier is not my issue even though everyone seems to think the solution is that simple.

picture credit goes to www.joeygates.deviantart.com

Make Happiness the Priority

I've had five years in a row that were just awful. During those years I was becoming a teenager and thought everyone was going through the same stuff I was. But, I was a lot more unhappy than most people. Not to the degree that it had a big impact on my life but it was just a long feeling of disappointment with my life and how things happened.

It was about a year ago that I was able to escape feeling that way. It still comes back but I don't let it drag me down anymore. I look back now and I can't believe how much time I wasted sacrificing my happiness because I cared too much about what other people thought. During those five years, I barely grew as a person whereas in this past year I feel like I've grown so much. Not to say things have been easy but I'm slowing learning how to deal with the tough stuff. Whether it was the death of my grandma, being fired from a job after three days, or struggling to learn to drive, I've tried not to let the struggles of life get me down.

I'm nowhere near perfect or anywhere close to the person I want to be, but I've finally started taking steps forward. I'm trying to keep a positive spin on my life. I'm learning a lot about life and overcoming my fears. Of course, there are still people who try to pull me down but I've realized how little they really mean in my life. If someone insults me or something I like, so what? I get over it, it's not like I'm going to change myself to fit the ideals of someone I don't even like. Overall, I'm dedicating a lot more time to things I enjoy and that make me feel happy. I don't know if it's just me but I feel like if I wasn't doing the things I love then my whole life would be a waste.

I Need to Learn to Move on

I know relationships aren't that big of a deal but I need to vent about something. Basically, I'm insane, I had a boyfriend over a year ago that I can't seem to move on from. When I like another guy I forget about him but I always come back to thinking about him. Last fall I began having dreams involving him every second night for about two months which of course caused me to get very confused. I started talking to him a little bit and eventually told him I still liked him. He told me that we weren't right for each other and that it just wasn't going to work. I thought I had moved on but now here I am again. I keep remembering stuff from when we dated and how happy I was when we were together. I know nothing will ever happen with us again yet I keep deluding myself in these fantasies where we do get back together and it's very unhealthy to keep thinking this way. It should be known that he doesn't even trigger my fantasies as I hardly ever see him at school and the only thing we've said to each other since we broke up is hi. Obviously, I'm just going crazy and thinking up all these stupid things on my own. I mean I kinda know why I do this since I've always lacked closure from him since I was the one who broke it off and I have a lot of pent up feelings about it but it's still crazy. I really just want to move on so I can find someone who really likes me instead of being caught up in this nonsense.

My Standards Are High

I feel like I'm some sort of weird girl or exception to the rule because I've never had a bad guy/a guy who has treated me badly. It seems like most girls have at least one experience with a jerk. I always joke that jerks aren't attracted to me because I'm such a good girl. I know that I'm quite young and I haven't had much experience so I may come across a jerk in the future but so far I've had nothing but gentlemen.

My past experiences have made me come to expect a guy will treat me a certain way. This is why I feel like my standards have become so high. In the past, I would just fall for whoever and not really notice how they act with me. However, there were two guys in particular who have made it almost impossible for my next boyfriend because they treated me so well. In my world it is normal for guys to hold doors open for girls, to pay for their meals, to send them good morning/goodnight texts, to hold their hand, and to hug them as often as they can. Sadly, there are girls who don't experience this kind of kindness with guys and I find that heartbreaking.

I've always had the same philosophy when it comes to dating. The guy I'm interested in must be better than the previous guy I was interested in or else he is not worth it. I'd like to think that I'm still single because I haven't found a guy who is better than the past guys in my life. I'm just the type of person that won't settle for less than what I have received. If I fell for a guy and then went out with him only to find out he didn't treat me like past guys have, I would feel a lot less attracted to him. I've just become so used to nice, romantic, gentlemanly types that I don't have the patience to deal with a jerk. I think this may be because my first boyfriend was such a nice guy that my standards became a lot higher than they would have been if I had started off with a jerk. Maybe it's pure luck that I formed high standards for men or maybe it's because the only love models I had for guys came from romantic movies, either way, I don't settle for less than I think I deserve.

Changing My Style

It seems to be that I'm never content with my style and how I look. Often when I'm bored or I need a change in my life I will change something about my appearance. My hair usually tells you my overall mood. I had brown hair when I felt quite neutral in life. I added blonde highlights when I wanted to be happier. Recently, I've added some blue streaks because I feeling more rebellious. I'm aware that I probably look quite stupid dressing in an edgy dark outfit one day then super pink girly outfit the next but it's what I enjoy. I think as a young person I'm allowed to change my style as often as I want until I find something that really fits me. It's more for fun than anything else. It's not like it changes who I am or anything, I just like to change things up every so often.

Relationships and Why They Aren't That Important

When I was a kid I used to dream about being a teenager. I used to act out my teenage dreams with my dolls where the doll representing me would drive around in her pink convertible and spend all her time shopping with her friends. One thing, in particular, I used to dream about, was having a boyfriend. I guess I was a weird kid who was always interested in boys because I remember crushes as far back as kindergarten. When I entered my teenage years I began to question myself because I didn't have a boyfriend. It wasn't even because everyone else had boyfriends because they didn't, it was just something inside me that told me I needed to have a boyfriend or else I was a loser.

When I was fifteen I achieved my goal of having a boyfriend only to find out that romantic movies and love songs had lied to me. Relationships were not all fun and romantic, they were serious work, at fifteen I couldn't understand this so I ended it.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about that relationship and that guy, I try not to think about it because it really confuses me. So far that guy has been the only boyfriend I've had. It's been over a year since we broke up and honestly sometimes I feel like shit because I haven't had another relationship yet. It gets to the point where I begin to think of relationships as a competition and my secret competitive side starts coming out and trying to force me into relationships that just aren't going to happen.

Now here I am still boyfriend-less but a lot wiser about relationships in general. I have realized that having a boyfriend doesn't determine my worth. I'm learning to be happy single and working towards stuff in my life that I wouldn't have time for if I had a boyfriend. I know that I'll meet another guy one day and a relationship will happen for me again so I'm not rushing it. Don't rush, force, or rely on relationships because sadly most are quite temporary. Focus on yourself and doing the stuff you want to do. A relationship will happen eventually and until you meet the right person, having one doesn't matter at all. Think about it this way, would you rather be continuously dating people you sort of like or wait for a person who you will be crazy about no matter how long the wait is? Honestly, I'm up for the wait because I know the person I end up with is worth it.

I don't know why I added this picture but it looked cute :3

So Irresponsible!

Like many students, I get quite a bit of homework. Currently, I'm on the last day of my Easter long weekend and I can honestly say I haven't even looked at my homework yet. It's so terrible! I've always been quite responsible about my homework in past years but for some reason this year I just don't want to do anything. Lately, I've been blaming it on the fact that I have less than two more months of school thus all I can think about is summer. However, school ending soon also means that exams are coming soon and I really need to get myself in gear if I'm going to be ready for my final exams. Hopefully I'll do my homework today so that won't be a failure at school tomorrow...

Welcome!

Hello and welcome to my blog! I'm a teenager faced with my last years of school before I have to decide what to do with my life. It's scary to think about my future when I have no clue what I want to do. So I've created this blog to help my navigate my way through my life as I face normal life problems and hard decisions about my future. I'm a fairly creative person and since I can't get my thoughts straight in my head, maybe creating a blog will help me out? I don't know but I'm trying it anyway!