Stupid Body Insecurities

When I was younger I praised myself on the fact that I never put down my body. While other people were complaining about the stupidest little imperfections, I promised myself I never would. I'm sad to say that I broke that promise.

I'm not sure when the first time I did it was, but I started to put down my body. I started to spend more time in front of the mirror than I ever had before inspecting my body to see if my stomach was flat yet or if my thighs looked smaller. After realizing I had started to gain weight those insecurities got worse. It was then that I decided that I needed to start working out and being more careful about what I ate since I ate quite a bit of junk food. I'm back to a weight I'm happy with but I'm still not completely happy with my body.

Have you ever done worn something that slightly shows off your insecurity then spent the whole day trying to hid it? I have. I wore a shirt that was tight on me so my stomach stuck out a bit. I spent the whole day trying to suck in my stomach and hide it. I'm pretty sure no one would have noticed my stomach stuck out a bit if I was more confident in myself but I'm sure I looked weird trying to hide it all day.

Let's face it. No one else notices these body "imperfections" except you. In your mind, you probably think everyone is thinking about it when they look at you but they aren't. I had the right idea when I was younger because there is never any reason to put down your body. Unless you work out all the time and follow a really healthy diet, you probably won't ever have a "perfect" body but that's okay. Even people with those "perfect" bodies still have insecurities about themselves. Although there is nothing wrong with working out or dieting, just remember that you won't magically become happy because you lose weight. You only become happy with your body when you accept it as it is and stop letting those stupid little things make you feel like your body isn't good.

Am I Able to Fall in Love?

I know eighteen is a young age. Not understanding love at this age is normal. I know many people who have never had a relationship by this time and I also know people who have. To anyone older than me this is probably a silly question, you would probably tell me that I would understand love better when I am older and that I shouldn't worry about it. But I do. There is this part of me that truly believes I'm incapable of falling in love.

Without realizing it there has been a change as I've grown up. When I was younger I was full of love. Even when I obviously had no chance I carried on with crushes for years at a time. If he showed attention to another girl I'd be sad for a day then fall for him all over again the next day. I don't have that kind of dedication anymore.

I haven't had a serious crush on a guy in around three years. The last guy was someone who I could honestly see myself falling in love with. However, when things didn't turn out how I wanted them to, I wasn't upset. I simply picked myself up and moved on. I used to flip flop a lot about my feelings for my ex even though I knew for a fact I didn't love him however when it came to the guy I actually could have fallen in love with, once it was over, I never flip flopped.

When it comes to new guys there have been a couple of quick crushes but none lasted more than a week. It seems to be that I fall for a guy quickly but lose interest quickly as well. Recently there was a guy I met that I really liked and it seemed like things would work out differently but they didn't. I'm really starting to worry that I won't ever fall in love.

Getting Over Lab Anxiety

I'm not sure lab anxiety is a real thing but that's what I'll call it. Basically a couple of months ago when I started university and experienced labs for the first time, I freaked out. My biology lab was fine because it was basically just looking at stuff and microscope work. Physics was the middle range and chemistry was the one that really stressed me out.

For biology and physics labs the work was done in partners so if I ever felt like I didn't know what was going on I could just ask my partner. In chemistry there were no partners, you were completely on your own. This was a big thing that scared me. There was also the fact that I had never been in a chemistry lab and did very few chemistry experiments in high school.

Even now I still have anxiety about my chemistry labs but it wasn't like it was at the beginning. After my first lab I got really anxious and the night before the second lab I was feeling really ill and tried desperately to figure out a way to miss it (since you can't skip labs without a doctor's note). I wasn't physically sick, it was just the anxiety that was making me feel like that. I ended up skipping my other classes that day but I made myself go to the lab. I did the experiment just fine but I was still shaky and didn't know my way around the lab. I had another freak out writing my lab report for the first time since my calculations wouldn't make sense. It took me around six hours to write my first report.

I think the only thing that helped me get over my lab anxiety was just going to the labs and getting used to the whole process. At the beginning of the lab, I still spend the first ten minutes or so looking around in confusion despite the fact that I read over the lab at least six times. However, I'm able to think about the labs without getting sick and I can sleep well the night before a lab so I think I've improved quite a bit. The only way I've ever been able to deal with my anxiety was to just do the thing that made me anxious, although it's hard, once I get used to a situation my anxiety calms down.

Funny thing is that I like my chemistry lab the best now. It's really hands on and I think I learn a lot by having to do everything on my own. It's easy to tell what you are getting marked for and there's no final lab exam, unlike biology.

Why I Choose My Major

It may seem a little weird for someone who is naturally good at English to pursue a degree in science. I, myself, question a lot why I chose to do what I'm doing now. However, there is a big reason why I decided to go down this path.

Throughout high school, I was quite bored. I felt buckled down since many of my classes I was forced to take. The class I was best at was English, however, my favorite class was always science, or biology when the sciences split up. Despite the fact that I could get high marks and receive praise for my English assignments I never put much effort into them and I honestly didn't care about the subject. Although I love writing, the thought of going to English class everyday numbed my brain.

Science, on the other hand, wasn't something that came naturally to me. I had to actually be engaged and work on it in order to understand. I became fascinated by all the diverse areas and I liked learning about why things did what they did. Biology was my key interest. Although many people took biology in high school because it was easier than chemistry or physics, I took it because I wanted to. To me, there was no better class at my high school than biology. I even took marine biology; it was a fun, interactive course but it made me realize I was unsuited towards it so now I'm probably going to pursue a human related field.

When it was time for me to decide what I wanted to study when I went to university I didn't even question my choice. Although I was undecided until my last year of high school, once I made the choice I was certain The reason why was that to me there was nothing left to learn in English. I could probably get through an English degree quite easily but it didn't seem worth it to me. I chose science because there are so many things I don't know about science. There are so many things I don't think I would be able to learn about if I didn't choose it as my area of study. I can always read books and improve my writing on my own but when would I get an opportunity to learn advanced science concepts? That's why, even though it's quite tough for me, I'm glad I choose sciences. The workload may be hard but I think it will lead me towards a place I want to be.