Lower Expectations

I'm really pathetic. Honestly, you'd be surprised what university had reduced me to. Let me explain.

Back in high school (I'm saying it like it was a long time ago even though it was less than six months ago) I was a student with an 83% average. I wasn't super smart but by my grades, I was considered above average. Now in university, I get excited when I find out I passed a midterm. Yup, I was almost an A student and now I get excited about passing.

It's quite sad when you think about it but I'm cutting myself some slack since it has been tough adjusting to university. I'm still trying to figure out how different professors teach and mark. Although I've been making mistakes I've also been trying to learn from them which I think is the important part.

My excitement about my marks depends on the subject. I got the same midterm mark for both chemistry and biology. I was over the moon about chemistry because I was sure I failed but I was extremely upset about biology because I thought I knew what I was doing.

It's okay for me to have these low expectations for now because I can't get upset and lose motivation for doing well on my finals since finals are the part of the course that actually matters. A low midterm mark is fine as long as I do better on the finals. Just like they say you can't let one bad day get you down, you also can't let one bad mark (or multiple bad marks) get you down. One day it'll be better so keep trying until you reach that day.

I Don't Know What to Do

I've been in university for two months now and I'm starting to question what I want to do with my life. Currently, I'm not failing any of my classes but I'm not doing that well either. This is the main reason why I've started to second guess my choices. These are the things I've been considering lately.

1. Just continue what I'm doing. I love biology but right now I don't even feel like I'm studying biology since I'm so busy with the other required sciences. My grades are quite low and I'm worried I'm not cut out for sciences and that I won't be able to make it through my required courses. Despite that, I could just persevere and try to find the will to keep going.

2. Transfer to pacific and Asian studies. The only course I'm actually enjoying right now is my modern Japanese culture class. Although I don't have any of the required classes I'd need for this program, I could switch into it since it's something I find interesting. If I go this route I'd probably end up being an English teacher in Japan.

3. Transfer to writing. Writing has always been a passion of mine. Ever since I was in grade seven I did as much writing as I could and even before I was serious about it, I liked to write little books when I was a child. Even now I haven't really given up on becoming an author one day. If I chose to do this I'd have to transfer programs and I would have pretty much wasted an entire semester since none of the courses transfer.

4. Quit university and go to college to become a nurse/dental hygienist/something along those lines. Maybe the problem is that university is too intensive. I see my friends doing well in college maybe that's something I'm more suited towards. Since I used to want to be a doctor maybe being a nurse would suit me or I could be a dental hygienist since I've always liked teeth.

5. Quit school altogether and get a job. Here I could give up completely and just find an entry level job somewhere probably as a secretary or sales associate. If I did this I would probably feel less stuck in life since I would feel like I was actually doing something because I was working and getting paid although it's highly likely I would regret this choice later on.

Honestly what I really want to do is number one but the problem isn't what I want to do, it's what I'm capable of doing. Right now I just feel like such a failure since I can't even get a good mark in biology which is what I'm supposed to be studying. I kinda planned to just get by with chemistry and physics but the fact that I can't even do well in biology is unnerving. I wish I had some motivation to do something, anything. I just feel so stuck and no matter how much I tell myself I should be studying I just can't find the will to do it.

Friends

To be honest I always feel bad about myself because I don't have a lot of friends. I have this idea in my head that everyone else has dozens of friends and I'm a loser because I don't. I hate being in public places without a friend because I feel like I look pathetic. It seems like everyone else has a great social life and it's just me who doesn't.

The big thing is that in these insecurities I'm not even thinking about myself at all. I'm the type of person who likes to keep to myself. I want to have friends to go out and have fun with but I don't crave socialization like other people do. Sometimes I feel bad about never having gone to a party or anything like that but in actuality, I have no interest in those sorts of things. I like to talk to people but I don't like approaching people first. I want people to like me but I don't really care if they don't.

The reason I'm talking about all this is because I've kinda realized that I was rushing the whole making friends at university thing. I guess I felt like I was behind everyone else since I live off campus. To be honest I'm actually quite happy with how things have been going. I think I need to accept that I'm doing the best I can and just take things easy instead of freaking people out with my need to make friends fast. I've made one new friend so far which is good. I shouldn't be comparing myself to others. The best thing to do would just be to relax and let things naturally happen.

Things I Would Have Told My High School Self

I know I'm not that qualified to be giving advice since I just graduated from high school five months ago but since I've been going to university I've realized some things I wish I would have known in high school.

1. You are not invisible. I don't know why but in high school I always thought that my teachers didn't know who I was. Now that I'm in lectures with hundreds of other students where my professors definitely don't know who I am, I've realized that you do have a personal connection to your teachers in high school. Maybe if I had realized my teachers knew who I was I would have been open to talking to them and getting help when I needed it.

2. Don't put all your focus into grades. Grades are important of course but only for getting into university and universities generally only look at grade twelve courses or prerequisites. As long as you aren't planning on going to some big school like Harvard or McGill, you'll probably get accepted if you meet the minimum grade requirement. I put all my effort into grades in high school which is kinda sad if consider my social life or the fact that I didn't even do that well. I wish I would have had more fun and not worried about grades so much, especially in grade nine and ten.

3. Get involved. Do something, anything. Don't do it to get into university though, do it to have fun. The only activities I did in high school were two years of tutoring and three months on a volunteer project (where I got overrun by the other people and ended up having nothing to do). Neither one was all that fun and it kinda made me wish I would have done something I liked. If I could go back I wouldn't have quit soccer in grade nine. I also would have joined the dance class at my school. Maybe I would have even sung at open mic night like I always wanted to or tried out for the musical. Or I could have even been brave enough to go on that trip to France in grade ten. Looking back I realize all the things I missed out on and how I should have worried less and just done what I wanted to do.

4. Relationships are not worthless. I'm probably the only one who viewed high school relationships so badly. I think back then I was deathly afraid of falling in love or something. I vowed to never have a relationship in high school because they were pointless and never lasted. I broke that vow once. Now that I'm older I've realized that if you are lucky enough to like someone and have them like you back, you shouldn't be afraid to have fun dating. To me, the relationship always had a time limit and I wish I would have just enjoyed the experience more. Also if you like someone and you aren't sure how they feel, just tell them how you feel. As long as you've at least talked to that person before it'll be fine. They'll either like you back or you'll get to move onto someone else. There's really nothing bad about it and no one will make fun of you for liking them because let's face it everyone likes to know someone likes them.

5. Accept who you are. I spent about seventeen years of my life wishing I was a different person than I was. I hated being the shy, quiet girl who liked to stay at home and was good at homework. I wanted to be the type of person who went to parties, had tons of friends, went out on crazy adventures, and had all the guys after me. That person, of course, wasn't me and it was hard for me to come to terms with who I was. Now I wish I wasn't so ashamed of myself. There's nothing wrong with who you are, embrace it and you'll probably have a much better time than if you were pretending to be someone else.