Wow I Was Such a Bad Person

Recently I was reading through my old journals for entertainment. As I read through them there was some stuff about my ex-boyfriend. Last night I was mainly just having fun reading passages from when I was thirteen to sixteen. It was funny because in one entry back before I dated him I was talking about how I had a crush on him then I completely forgot about him and talked about someone else in the next entry. There wasn't very much around the time we dated because I never did anything back then so I was really bad at writing consistently.

Anyway, the reason for this post's title is what I realized today as I was going through the journals again. There was one time about a year after we broke up that I had texted him and told him I still liked him only for him to reject me. Turns out that was actually an insensitive thing for me to do. On December 10th I wrote about finding out him and his girlfriend had broken up. On December 23rd I told him that I still liked him. Less than two weeks after him and his girlfriend broke up I tell him I still like him? I was awful. How could I do that? I'm sure he was still dealing with the break up at that point and I just decide it's the perfect time to tell him how I felt. Wow, just wow.

Lesson learned that I actually need to consider other people before I do things. Honestly, I guess that means that I didn't really like him then. They say that if you truly like someone you consider their feelings before your own. I didn't even think of him so I obviously didn't like him as much as I thought I did. Turns out it was a good thing I was rejected. I guess everything works out how it should. But wow how could I be so dense?

I Can Never Go To Concerts

If you live somewhere that has a lot of bands that come for concerts you are extremely lucky. In my hometown, no one good comes for concerts. There's a big city not too far away from my hometown but even a lot of artist don't come there. I'm really upset about this right now because a group I really want to see is coming to my country for the first time but they are only coming to one city that is way too far away for me to travel to. Even if I did want to buy a plane ticket to go there I couldn't because the concert is on a Tuesday in the fall when I have university classes. They are known for having amazing concerts and I was so excited when I found out they were coming to my country but it turns out they aren't coming anywhere towards me. It's really disappointing but another group I love is going on tour soon so I'm hoping they will come close to me but they've never been to my country before so it's probably just a pipe dream. I really really wish I lived somewhere that more groups come to because my country is always so ignored by major groups.

Trying To Get Fit

I'm a person with a lot of unhealthy habits. I sleep at weird times, I snack way too much, I stay in bed for a long time, I get winded walking up a bunch of stairs, and I don't exercise at all. I was quite set in my habits because I never noticed any change in myself. However, when my weight gain became noticeable I began to feel a lot less confident in my clothes. I decided it was time to try and change my bad habits in order to get a body I was more happy with. I'm not saying that I think I'm fat and that people need to be super skinny in order to look good because I don't believe that at all. I just want to be more fit and happy with myself.

Currently, I've been trying to change my ways for a couple of months now but being a lazy person I could never really stick to anything. Now that it's summer all I have is free time so I've decided to get serious and actually make a change. I'm on an easy going diet which is basically just me trying to eat better but not being upset when don't. I've never believed in super strict diets because I feel like controlling yourself too much just makes you feel unhappy. Instead, I'm just trying to consider whether my body can make good use of something before I eat it in order to move away from foods that do me no good.

It hasn't been that long since I started trying to get fit so I don't really see any results but I don't get winded going up stairs anymore so at least I'm not terribly out of shape. For the first time in my life, I can actually do a proper pushup which is pretty cool. I can't do very many but at least I can do a push up now, I always used to fake it in gym class. I'm hoping that by the end of the summer I will have made some progress so that I can feel happier in my body.

I'm Thankful For My Mom

It's not mother's day, it's not my mom's birthday, it's just a day where I feel the need to express my gratitude that I got the mom I have. I told my mom about my dream where she yelled at me for wasting her money by going to university instead of college and her response was very reassuring to me. She told me that she's happy I'm going to university and that she doesn't care if university ends up being a waste of money because it's what I want to do. She said that she wants to give me all the opportunities she didn't have when she was my age and even if I fumble or make a mistake it's okay because I'm moving towards my dream and that's all that matters.

My mom is honestly the perfect fit for me. I think I'm quite lucky because a lot of the people I know don't have as good of relationships with their mom as I do with my mom. She can be annoying and overbearing at times but what mom isn't? She knows to give me my space and let me make my own decisions about my life. She understands not to scold me when I act out or get upset because she knows that I just need to get those bad feelings out since I tend to keep them inside for far too long. I'm the type of person who doesn't do well if I feel restrained and I tend to do the opposite of what people tell me to do just to spite them. My mom completely understands my personality and knows how to handle me which makes me thankful for her. She's always there to reassure me and comfort me when I need it. Even if we fight and sometimes I wish I could move out; I'm very happy with her in my life.

What a Current Dream Made Me Realize

I don't know why but I like talking about my dreams. I'm a person who rarely has dreams or should I say I rarely remember them after I wake up so it's interesting to me when I do remember. This recent dream caused me to be wide awake at 8:30 am. I had a nightmare a couple of hours earlier and fell back asleep but couldn't do that after this dream.

I don't remember most of the details but I was with my mom. I don't know how the argument started but we were fighting about me going to university. She was pressuring me into going to college instead of university because it was cheaper and she claimed that I was going to waste away all her money if I went to university. I replied, "What am I supposed to do now? It's too late to change my mind." Then I began crying and added, "If I go to college I'll spend all my time learning one thing, what if I can't find a job? Then I'm screwed. If I go to university I can learn many things and I'll have way more options. I just don't feel like I can be happy if I go to college." Then I woke up from the dream.

This dream came at a weird time in my life because I'm confirmed to be attending university in the fall but I've been worrying lately whether or not I should have chosen college. I guess I've been feeling guilty since my family will be paying for my education and university is a lot more expensive than college. However, I never once thought of myself going to college in all of my life. Even when I wanted to be a dental hygienist I still wanted to study it at a university. I feel sort of selfish thinking this way. I know there is nothing wrong with college but going to university has always been my dream. I always wanted to be well educated and for my family to see me when I'm older and think to themselves how accomplished I became. It was the last thing I said in my dream that really hit me. I've been worrying so much about whether or not I made the wrong choice based on money that I didn't even consider my own happiness. It's true that I can't see myself being happy in college. University is my dream and looking forward to it is my biggest source of happiness right now. Maybe I don't have all the details mapped out yet and I don't know exactly what I'm aiming for at the end but I'm figuring things out.

If I could give advice to adults who know of someone who has just graduated high school, I would tell them to just support whatever that person wants to do instead of stressing them out with a million questions about their future. You didn't have an exact plan when you were eighteen so why would current eighteen-year-olds be any different? We are still trying to work things out, just cut us some slack.

I Dream of....Wedding?

I just woke up frazzled because of the dream I had. First of all, I arrived at this venue with my family in a wedding dress. When it came time for the wedding to start I was pacing around the ceremony area because none of the guests had shown up yet. I began to question if the invitations were send out and my mom assured me that she did that. Then I wanted to call my soon to be husband but then people started flooding in. Because I was the bride I didn't want people to see me before the ceremony so I covered my face with a fan and ran to where I was out of sight. For some reason I ended up in a university hallway and I guess I was getting married in a university. I began to panic that no one was going to come get me for my wedding and that I would miss it. I also worried that my soon to be husband hadn't arrived yet. I tried calling my family members but no one answered then suddenly I realized my dad was right beside me. He calmed me down and we made our way to the wedding.

The dream stopped before I got married but the part of this dream that freaked me out was that I was my current age of eighteen and I was getting married to my ex boyfriend. I looked up the meaning of my dream and it said that dreaming of marrying an ex means that I have accepted aspects of that relationship and learned from those past mistakes. It was reassuring to me that I don't actually want to marry my ex at a young age but that it actually meant I had accepted and moved on from the relationship. Anyway, it was still pretty weird to dream of getting married.

I Woke Up to an Orange Sky

I got up at 10 am and noticed the light coming through my blinds was a different colour than usual. I opened up my window to see that the sky was orange. If it were around the time of a sunset or sunrise this wouldn't have been strange but 10 am is nowhere near either of those events. The sky was very beautiful to look at but it gave an ominous feeling. It turns out there was a forest fire a couple of hours away from me. Summers are usually dry but I've never woken up to something like that in my whole life.

*not my picture but imagine this but a weaker orange colour

Apple Why Don't You Make Proper Chargers?

I've been having a lot of trouble with the charger for my laptop recently. Back when I used to have a pc laptop the only time I ever had a problem with my charger was when my laptop was over five years old and everything was just dying at that point. My currently laptop is less than a year old and my charger is already trash. Firstly unless I had it in the perfect position in my power strip it wouldn't charge my laptop. Secondly sometimes it would just start making sparking sounds which made me fear it was going to electrocute me, actually it did shock me once but it was pretty weak. Lastly part of the charger had become kind of loose and I had to keep pushing it back into place so that it would work. It was because of this last problem that it broke completely today. I tripped on the cord and instead of it just being pulled out of the plug, the charger came apart and the loose part completely fell off. I tried to put it back together but it didn't work. Lucky for me my mom had a charger from her old laptop that I can use but it still annoys me how quickly my charger broke. Tripping on it and breaking it was completely my fault but the other issues just came out of nowhere. I'm so disappointed with the lack of quality, especially from macs which are said to be really good quality.

this is not my picture, I found it on the internet, but this is basically what happened to mine