Insert Swear Word

My best friend and I were planning on going to the lake tomorrow. The original plan was for us to go with this guy friend of hers and for him to bring a friend but it seems the guy's friend can't make it. My best friend then asked if I would be able to invite someone and guess who was the first person that popped into my mind? If you've read any of my past posts you would probably know the answer.

I literally thought of this whole scenario in which I text him and ask him to come despite the fact that we haven't talked in the while but it's such a strange thing to ask someone you're not that close with. Then I imagined that for some weird reason he said yes and we went to the lake together and everything was rainbows and unicorns. I really really hate that I ever had that thought in the first place. I'm a person who claims to be over him yet I go and think things like this. Insert swear word (since I don't actually want to swear here). I hate that I still think of him in times like these.

Currently going to the lake is off. It would be nice if life worked according to my deluded fantasies but if I actually tried to make it happen I know it wouldn't go well. Maybe with a larger time frame to ask him I could but who would say yes to going to the lake when someone asks you at midnight the night before? No one. I'm quite disappointed because I really wanted to go to the lake...

Dear Self - Letter From Two Years Ago

Sept. 5, 2013
Currently I'm starting grade eleven and I think I won't see this for like two years. Right now I'm just really socially awkward and have low self confidence but hopefully that has changed. Hopefully I will become a better driver and learn how to park. I hope I have volunteered at the hospital and figured out whether or not I really want to be a doctor. I hope I have met great friends who actually care about me. Also I hope I'm working on the third book in my series since right now I'm almost done the first, maybe I'll even be published. I'm not quite sure what my future will be but hopefully I'm happier than I am now because life could be better but I have hope for the future.

Two Months Of Freedom

I'm officially done high school. On Thursday I go in to pick up my report card then I'll never have to set foot in that school again, although it won't be possible to go back since the school's being pushed over this summer. I have to praise myself and the rest of my grad class for living through two years of construction. I know the younger grades had to deal with it as well but at least they get to go to our new school, we never even get to see what the inside looks like. I don't really care honestly I'm just glad to be done.

My plans for this summer started off with looking for a summer job but honestly I'm not sure I care about that anymore. It would be nice to get a job but it's been over a week since I did my big applying day and I've heard nothing back. I could go apply more but I'm kinda enjoying just doing nothing... this is why I'm worried about myself in the future. But I have four years of university before I have to set out into the real world so I think I can be stupid and irresponsible for now. I'm sure I'll mature when I need to. I mean I've spent all this time preparing myself for university I need time to prepare myself before I set out for a job and I definitely wont settle like I did last time.

It's kinda strange to have so much free time after spending the past two weeks hardcore studying for my finals. I put more effort into my classes this year than I ever have before so it's even weirder to have worked hard for ten months and to have a break now. I really want to cherish this time and by cherish I mean go to the beach as often as possible and wear summer clothes all the time. Seeing my friends would nice too, well having a boyfriend would also be nice but we can't get everything we want, I'll settle with just seeing friends.

Okay this is random but I just thought of this dream I had a while back which is really freaking me out. It was about university. It was the first day and I walked into class to see that everyone in my high school was there and it was just a repeat of high school. Maybe this wouldn't scare most people but it would be so disappointing to survive four years with people who barely knew you existed then to go to this new place expecting a chance to start over only to have to repeat what you just did and spend another four years with people who don't notice you.

Anyway, I'm happy to have freedom. This post was a lot looser then what I usually write but I'll just label this as ramble again. It seems like everything I write lately is a ramble. Oh maybe I can spend this summer writing my novel idea and that can be my summer job. I probably won't ever publish it but then at least I'll feel like I did something good with my time. Sorry, I meant to end this post, I'm done rambling now.

Relief!

Since it's exam week I've been non-stop worrying and studying. I'm currently half way through my exams with my hardest one happening today. My worries aren't so much about not graduating or not getting into university because my class marks are high enough that even if I were to fail all my exams I would still graduate and get into university. My worry has been keeping my average high enough that I still get a scholarship from my university.

I've been stressing a lot because my chemistry marks aren't so great. I also had no idea what my biology marks were so I had to make it up when I was trying to calculate the minimum I needed to keep my scholarship. I just got a response back from my biology teacher about my mark and I'm so happy. Turns out my mark is way higher than I estimated it to be so now it doesn't even matter if I completely fail my chemistry exam (which I will since I've learnt nothing all year) because my other marks are now high enough to take the impact and not have a big effect on my final grades overall. My day has totally been made. I don't really want the embarrassment of failing an exam so I'd like to at least pass the chem exam but I'm happy to know that even if I can't do that, everything will be okay.

Whatcha Doing There?

I was looking through some old papers from about two years ago when I came across this post I wrote which I think is quite entertaining...

I was really bored in foods class so I was just sitting alone at my table playing on my phone when suddenly this guy crawls across my table. Then I hear his friend say, "She didn't even look up." Then he says, "Okay I'll go do it again," and he crawls across the table again. I didn't look up but I started giggling.

This is a true story by the way and to this day I have no idea who it was or why they decided to crawl across my table because I never looked up. Honestly, I'd completely forgotten about this incident until I came across the post and then it all came back to me. So if you're ever wondering what guys act like in high school, they apparently like to crawl across tables for no conceivable reason.

Continuation: Maybe It's Better To Be Alone

I'm writing this as sort of a continuation of my last post where I expressed how I was done with high school because no one there noticed me or cared about me. Honestly, I've always had trouble getting along with people. It's not like I have a horrible personality or anything, it just that a lot of people dismiss me because I don't talk much. Everyone wants someone fun and exciting to hang around and that's not me. I'm quiet, I think a lot, and I don't care for shallow relationships.

Being alone was never something that felt wrong to me. When I'm alone in public I feel anxious but when I'm at home I'm at my happiest. No one disturbs me and I'm free to do whatever I want. I gain a lot of energy from being by myself which is why I'm 100% an introvert. I never schedule two tiring social events in a row because I know I can't handle it. Back when I was in a relationship we hung out every day and it had a negative impact on me because I lost that alone time that I desperately needed. I get bugged a lot for not going out but there are very few times when I want to go out. I want to live life to its fullest but I don't think that equals going out all the time. A lot of the time when I'm with people I regret going out because of how excluded I feel. In those cases, I know that I would be happier to be home alone. Honestly, I hate how there's this negative view on being alone. It's what I enjoy and I'm not going to be shamed by it. Even if I don't have much of a social life and I only have one or two true friends, I'm completely happy with that.

*creds to whoever drew this, I couldn't find a name

I'm so Done with High School

Today has been awful. It was my last day of high school and it couldn't have been worse.

First of all, I had to suffer through pointless short classes in the morning. Then I had to wait forever for my yearbook while feeling like I was going to faint only to find out I didn't pay for a yearbook even though I was sure I did. I felt so sick that I didn't even bother to figure out what went wrong and just left the school. Now after being gone for over an hour, not one of my friends has contacted me to see where I am. It's quite disappointing to know that no one actually cares whether you are around or not. All I can say is that I'm glad to be leaving.

All Time Stress High

Generally, I'm a person who doesn't handle stress well. I don't like having a ton going on because I need quite a bit of rest to function normally. However, I'm currently experiencing the most amount of stress I ever have.

I'm two weeks away from being done high school forever. I have homework to do and finals to study for. Since I'm graduating I need to make sure I've completed all the requirements so I can actually graduate. Also, I have to worry about next year. I had this issue with my university where they hadn't received my acceptance deposit so I had to sort that out. Class registration also begins right in the middle of my exam week so I have to wake up extra early on the day of my biology exam so that I can make sure I get the classes I need for next year. Then we have outside of school stuff. I'm stopping my time at the place I'm volunteering but I haven't heard anything about whether or not I can leave yet so that's weighing heavily on me. The reason that is a problem is because I'm currently searching for a summer job and I could have some issues with conflicting hours if I get a job while I'm still volunteering. Also applying for jobs is stressful and I need a job this summer so I have to try really hard to get hired while also thinking up backup plans in case I can't find a job. If all that wasn't enough I'm also starting to manage my own money and I recently made a mistake that I had to get sorted out.

I honestly don't know how I'm doing so well. Usually, just one thing would cause me a lot of stress but I have so many things to stress out about right now. I've also not been sleeping well so that makes everything worse because I'm so sleepy I can't do things properly (which is why I had an issue involving money recently). Overall I'm not doing that bad though. I can still function and the stress hasn't affected me too much yet. I seriously can't wait for summer when most of these issues go away.

Funny How Things Change

Back in elementary school, I had this big crush on a guy. I was so crazy about him. I thought he was just the funniest and nicest guy ever. By middle school, I had kinda gotten over my crush but it seemed like he either had a crush on me or he just really enjoyed bugging me. At that point I started liking him a bit even though I wasn't totally into him like I was before.

We went to the same high school but I hardly ever saw him. I came across him recently at the graduation ceremony when I was with my friends. He hasn't really changed much since elementary school. I was around him for a couple of minutes and I found him really annoying. He seemed to still be the same guy but I don't know he just came off as annoying and he wasn't even that funny. I guess that's the effect a crush has on you, it makes someone seem a lot greater than they are. It just seems funny to me how someone I was so crazy about before is now someone I don't even want to be around for a couple of minutes.

Side note: I was looking for a picture or quote to relate to this but I couldn't find anything, everything is either inspiring but unrelated or loving quotes about crushes. I just wanted something funny but I guess that doesn't exist.

Still Can't Act Normally

I know I talk about this way too much but my ex is the number one thing that bothers me in my life. It's not that he personally bothers me or that I hate him, it's just that I'm not very good at dealing with having an ex. At this point in my life, I'd like to say I'm 95% over him, and that other 5% I'm not even sure are romantic feelings.

However today I realized that I still act like a complete weirdo around him. I haven't seen him around school lately which has honestly been quite nice. Today I was walking to class with two of my friends when suddenly I saw him and his friend turn the corner and walk right by us. When I first saw him I told myself I was going to act normal but I'm not sure if I made eye contact with him or something because I suddenly started to freak out. I looked away and physically dodged him and sort of hid behind one of my friends. I was probably the only one who was aware of this because my friends didn't say anything so hopefully he didn't notice either. Our last encounter was really nice, a short friendly little chat at the grad party but this time it's like an alarm went off inside me telling me to panic. I swear no one else has this kind of problem with someone they dated over two years ago for only two months. I really, really wish I could act normally around him. Especially since I'm bound to run into him next year at university since we are going to the same school and doing the same program. Please just let me be a normal person around him so I don't come off any weirder than I already have.