New Year

This year I've held a lot of regrets but I'd like to make things better from now on.

Firstly, today is the last day I will ever think of my ex in a romantic way. I've been over him for a while now, but there are still times now and again that I think about him but I vow to stop that completely in 2016. There's no point since there's no way we will ever get back together and I honestly don't even think I want to get back together with him. I'm just lonely.

Secondly, I will take my university schooling seriously. Last semester I underestimated university and found it next to impossible to make myself study. After seeing how quickly the term goes by, I think I'm capable of committing myself completely to my course work next term. The problem was that I'm used to a linear system where I have a year to complete my course instead of semester system where you only have a couple of months, because of this I always thought I had more time than I actually had. However, I vow to do better from now on because I know I'm capable of more than this.

Thirdly, I will pay attention to my health. Generally, I have a good immune system so I don't get sick often but I still wouldn't call myself healthy. In the new year, I'd like to work out at least once a week and I want to stop skipping meals. When I'm at the university for classes, I feel weird about bringing food from home to eat and I don't have enough money to buy food every day so I tend to skip eating. I know this is terrible for my health so I'd like to stop it.

Lastly, I will find a reason to be happy. Whether it's hanging out with friends more or going on walks to watch the sunset, I need to find some way for me to be happy. This year I haven't felt sad but I haven't felt happy either, I felt more like I was numb. Happiness is so important and I would like to experience it again.

Lesson Learnt: Allergic Reaction

Frequently I will use sheet masks for my skin. Usually, the ones I use are either from forever 21 or a local pharmacy. Despite the fact that I use cheap ones, I've never had a problem before. Today I tried a new mask that I bought at Walmart and the results weren't so nice. In case you are curious, it's the freeman feeling beautiful mask for dry skin. I wouldn't recommend it though, especially if you have sensitive skin.

Near the end of the time I had the mask on, my face began to feel hot but I didn't realize anything was wrong until after I took off the mask and my face completely burnt up. When it didn't go away after a few moments I looked in the mirror and it looked as thought I had a sunburn. Currently, my face is hot to touch and red. It's only been a couple of minutes so I'm not too worried, I'm sure the allergic reaction will go away.

What I have learned from this experience is to be more careful with the products I use. I'm well aware of my sensitive, dry skin but I haven't had any issues with it in a long time. Today came as a warning to me that I still need to be careful about the products I use.

In case you get worried about my allergic reaction, I'm handling it fine. If it gets worse or doesn't go away I will go see the doctor.

Here's a lobster because I currently look like one

How I'm Going to Make Myself Happy

Maybe it's because it's exam session or maybe it's the lack of direction I have but I haven't been feeling happy with my life lately. I've been putting a lot of stress on myself to get the required grades to be considered for a biology co-op however since I'm mainly doing required courses this year (ie not biology) it's been quite hard for me to do well. I have also been questioning my decision to do science since I've been missing writing.

Today after having a bit of a breakdown I figured out how to make myself happy. It turns out that I don't have to make a choice between science and writing. After a bit of researching, I figured out my university offers a minor in professional writing that I can do along side my biology major. I'm feeling great right now since this seems to be exactly the kind of thing I want to do with my education. Doing all biology or all writing isn't something I want to do but now that I figured out I can do both, I think I'm on my way to becoming happy with the direction my life is in.

Stupid Body Insecurities

When I was younger I praised myself on the fact that I never put down my body. While other people were complaining about the stupidest little imperfections, I promised myself I never would. I'm sad to say that I broke that promise.

I'm not sure when the first time I did it was, but I started to put down my body. I started to spend more time in front of the mirror than I ever had before inspecting my body to see if my stomach was flat yet or if my thighs looked smaller. After realizing I had started to gain weight those insecurities got worse. It was then that I decided that I needed to start working out and being more careful about what I ate since I ate quite a bit of junk food. I'm back to a weight I'm happy with but I'm still not completely happy with my body.

Have you ever done worn something that slightly shows off your insecurity then spent the whole day trying to hid it? I have. I wore a shirt that was tight on me so my stomach stuck out a bit. I spent the whole day trying to suck in my stomach and hide it. I'm pretty sure no one would have noticed my stomach stuck out a bit if I was more confident in myself but I'm sure I looked weird trying to hide it all day.

Let's face it. No one else notices these body "imperfections" except you. In your mind, you probably think everyone is thinking about it when they look at you but they aren't. I had the right idea when I was younger because there is never any reason to put down your body. Unless you work out all the time and follow a really healthy diet, you probably won't ever have a "perfect" body but that's okay. Even people with those "perfect" bodies still have insecurities about themselves. Although there is nothing wrong with working out or dieting, just remember that you won't magically become happy because you lose weight. You only become happy with your body when you accept it as it is and stop letting those stupid little things make you feel like your body isn't good.

Am I Able to Fall in Love?

I know eighteen is a young age. Not understanding love at this age is normal. I know many people who have never had a relationship by this time and I also know people who have. To anyone older than me this is probably a silly question, you would probably tell me that I would understand love better when I am older and that I shouldn't worry about it. But I do. There is this part of me that truly believes I'm incapable of falling in love.

Without realizing it there has been a change as I've grown up. When I was younger I was full of love. Even when I obviously had no chance I carried on with crushes for years at a time. If he showed attention to another girl I'd be sad for a day then fall for him all over again the next day. I don't have that kind of dedication anymore.

I haven't had a serious crush on a guy in around three years. The last guy was someone who I could honestly see myself falling in love with. However, when things didn't turn out how I wanted them to, I wasn't upset. I simply picked myself up and moved on. I used to flip flop a lot about my feelings for my ex even though I knew for a fact I didn't love him however when it came to the guy I actually could have fallen in love with, once it was over, I never flip flopped.

When it comes to new guys there have been a couple of quick crushes but none lasted more than a week. It seems to be that I fall for a guy quickly but lose interest quickly as well. Recently there was a guy I met that I really liked and it seemed like things would work out differently but they didn't. I'm really starting to worry that I won't ever fall in love.

Getting Over Lab Anxiety

I'm not sure lab anxiety is a real thing but that's what I'll call it. Basically a couple of months ago when I started university and experienced labs for the first time, I freaked out. My biology lab was fine because it was basically just looking at stuff and microscope work. Physics was the middle range and chemistry was the one that really stressed me out.

For biology and physics labs the work was done in partners so if I ever felt like I didn't know what was going on I could just ask my partner. In chemistry there were no partners, you were completely on your own. This was a big thing that scared me. There was also the fact that I had never been in a chemistry lab and did very few chemistry experiments in high school.

Even now I still have anxiety about my chemistry labs but it wasn't like it was at the beginning. After my first lab I got really anxious and the night before the second lab I was feeling really ill and tried desperately to figure out a way to miss it (since you can't skip labs without a doctor's note). I wasn't physically sick, it was just the anxiety that was making me feel like that. I ended up skipping my other classes that day but I made myself go to the lab. I did the experiment just fine but I was still shaky and didn't know my way around the lab. I had another freak out writing my lab report for the first time since my calculations wouldn't make sense. It took me around six hours to write my first report.

I think the only thing that helped me get over my lab anxiety was just going to the labs and getting used to the whole process. At the beginning of the lab, I still spend the first ten minutes or so looking around in confusion despite the fact that I read over the lab at least six times. However, I'm able to think about the labs without getting sick and I can sleep well the night before a lab so I think I've improved quite a bit. The only way I've ever been able to deal with my anxiety was to just do the thing that made me anxious, although it's hard, once I get used to a situation my anxiety calms down.

Funny thing is that I like my chemistry lab the best now. It's really hands on and I think I learn a lot by having to do everything on my own. It's easy to tell what you are getting marked for and there's no final lab exam, unlike biology.

Why I Choose My Major

It may seem a little weird for someone who is naturally good at English to pursue a degree in science. I, myself, question a lot why I chose to do what I'm doing now. However, there is a big reason why I decided to go down this path.

Throughout high school, I was quite bored. I felt buckled down since many of my classes I was forced to take. The class I was best at was English, however, my favorite class was always science, or biology when the sciences split up. Despite the fact that I could get high marks and receive praise for my English assignments I never put much effort into them and I honestly didn't care about the subject. Although I love writing, the thought of going to English class everyday numbed my brain.

Science, on the other hand, wasn't something that came naturally to me. I had to actually be engaged and work on it in order to understand. I became fascinated by all the diverse areas and I liked learning about why things did what they did. Biology was my key interest. Although many people took biology in high school because it was easier than chemistry or physics, I took it because I wanted to. To me, there was no better class at my high school than biology. I even took marine biology; it was a fun, interactive course but it made me realize I was unsuited towards it so now I'm probably going to pursue a human related field.

When it was time for me to decide what I wanted to study when I went to university I didn't even question my choice. Although I was undecided until my last year of high school, once I made the choice I was certain The reason why was that to me there was nothing left to learn in English. I could probably get through an English degree quite easily but it didn't seem worth it to me. I chose science because there are so many things I don't know about science. There are so many things I don't think I would be able to learn about if I didn't choose it as my area of study. I can always read books and improve my writing on my own but when would I get an opportunity to learn advanced science concepts? That's why, even though it's quite tough for me, I'm glad I choose sciences. The workload may be hard but I think it will lead me towards a place I want to be.

Lower Expectations

I'm really pathetic. Honestly, you'd be surprised what university had reduced me to. Let me explain.

Back in high school (I'm saying it like it was a long time ago even though it was less than six months ago) I was a student with an 83% average. I wasn't super smart but by my grades, I was considered above average. Now in university, I get excited when I find out I passed a midterm. Yup, I was almost an A student and now I get excited about passing.

It's quite sad when you think about it but I'm cutting myself some slack since it has been tough adjusting to university. I'm still trying to figure out how different professors teach and mark. Although I've been making mistakes I've also been trying to learn from them which I think is the important part.

My excitement about my marks depends on the subject. I got the same midterm mark for both chemistry and biology. I was over the moon about chemistry because I was sure I failed but I was extremely upset about biology because I thought I knew what I was doing.

It's okay for me to have these low expectations for now because I can't get upset and lose motivation for doing well on my finals since finals are the part of the course that actually matters. A low midterm mark is fine as long as I do better on the finals. Just like they say you can't let one bad day get you down, you also can't let one bad mark (or multiple bad marks) get you down. One day it'll be better so keep trying until you reach that day.

I Don't Know What to Do

I've been in university for two months now and I'm starting to question what I want to do with my life. Currently, I'm not failing any of my classes but I'm not doing that well either. This is the main reason why I've started to second guess my choices. These are the things I've been considering lately.

1. Just continue what I'm doing. I love biology but right now I don't even feel like I'm studying biology since I'm so busy with the other required sciences. My grades are quite low and I'm worried I'm not cut out for sciences and that I won't be able to make it through my required courses. Despite that, I could just persevere and try to find the will to keep going.

2. Transfer to pacific and Asian studies. The only course I'm actually enjoying right now is my modern Japanese culture class. Although I don't have any of the required classes I'd need for this program, I could switch into it since it's something I find interesting. If I go this route I'd probably end up being an English teacher in Japan.

3. Transfer to writing. Writing has always been a passion of mine. Ever since I was in grade seven I did as much writing as I could and even before I was serious about it, I liked to write little books when I was a child. Even now I haven't really given up on becoming an author one day. If I chose to do this I'd have to transfer programs and I would have pretty much wasted an entire semester since none of the courses transfer.

4. Quit university and go to college to become a nurse/dental hygienist/something along those lines. Maybe the problem is that university is too intensive. I see my friends doing well in college maybe that's something I'm more suited towards. Since I used to want to be a doctor maybe being a nurse would suit me or I could be a dental hygienist since I've always liked teeth.

5. Quit school altogether and get a job. Here I could give up completely and just find an entry level job somewhere probably as a secretary or sales associate. If I did this I would probably feel less stuck in life since I would feel like I was actually doing something because I was working and getting paid although it's highly likely I would regret this choice later on.

Honestly what I really want to do is number one but the problem isn't what I want to do, it's what I'm capable of doing. Right now I just feel like such a failure since I can't even get a good mark in biology which is what I'm supposed to be studying. I kinda planned to just get by with chemistry and physics but the fact that I can't even do well in biology is unnerving. I wish I had some motivation to do something, anything. I just feel so stuck and no matter how much I tell myself I should be studying I just can't find the will to do it.

Friends

To be honest I always feel bad about myself because I don't have a lot of friends. I have this idea in my head that everyone else has dozens of friends and I'm a loser because I don't. I hate being in public places without a friend because I feel like I look pathetic. It seems like everyone else has a great social life and it's just me who doesn't.

The big thing is that in these insecurities I'm not even thinking about myself at all. I'm the type of person who likes to keep to myself. I want to have friends to go out and have fun with but I don't crave socialization like other people do. Sometimes I feel bad about never having gone to a party or anything like that but in actuality, I have no interest in those sorts of things. I like to talk to people but I don't like approaching people first. I want people to like me but I don't really care if they don't.

The reason I'm talking about all this is because I've kinda realized that I was rushing the whole making friends at university thing. I guess I felt like I was behind everyone else since I live off campus. To be honest I'm actually quite happy with how things have been going. I think I need to accept that I'm doing the best I can and just take things easy instead of freaking people out with my need to make friends fast. I've made one new friend so far which is good. I shouldn't be comparing myself to others. The best thing to do would just be to relax and let things naturally happen.

Things I Would Have Told My High School Self

I know I'm not that qualified to be giving advice since I just graduated from high school five months ago but since I've been going to university I've realized some things I wish I would have known in high school.

1. You are not invisible. I don't know why but in high school I always thought that my teachers didn't know who I was. Now that I'm in lectures with hundreds of other students where my professors definitely don't know who I am, I've realized that you do have a personal connection to your teachers in high school. Maybe if I had realized my teachers knew who I was I would have been open to talking to them and getting help when I needed it.

2. Don't put all your focus into grades. Grades are important of course but only for getting into university and universities generally only look at grade twelve courses or prerequisites. As long as you aren't planning on going to some big school like Harvard or McGill, you'll probably get accepted if you meet the minimum grade requirement. I put all my effort into grades in high school which is kinda sad if consider my social life or the fact that I didn't even do that well. I wish I would have had more fun and not worried about grades so much, especially in grade nine and ten.

3. Get involved. Do something, anything. Don't do it to get into university though, do it to have fun. The only activities I did in high school were two years of tutoring and three months on a volunteer project (where I got overrun by the other people and ended up having nothing to do). Neither one was all that fun and it kinda made me wish I would have done something I liked. If I could go back I wouldn't have quit soccer in grade nine. I also would have joined the dance class at my school. Maybe I would have even sung at open mic night like I always wanted to or tried out for the musical. Or I could have even been brave enough to go on that trip to France in grade ten. Looking back I realize all the things I missed out on and how I should have worried less and just done what I wanted to do.

4. Relationships are not worthless. I'm probably the only one who viewed high school relationships so badly. I think back then I was deathly afraid of falling in love or something. I vowed to never have a relationship in high school because they were pointless and never lasted. I broke that vow once. Now that I'm older I've realized that if you are lucky enough to like someone and have them like you back, you shouldn't be afraid to have fun dating. To me, the relationship always had a time limit and I wish I would have just enjoyed the experience more. Also if you like someone and you aren't sure how they feel, just tell them how you feel. As long as you've at least talked to that person before it'll be fine. They'll either like you back or you'll get to move onto someone else. There's really nothing bad about it and no one will make fun of you for liking them because let's face it everyone likes to know someone likes them.

5. Accept who you are. I spent about seventeen years of my life wishing I was a different person than I was. I hated being the shy, quiet girl who liked to stay at home and was good at homework. I wanted to be the type of person who went to parties, had tons of friends, went out on crazy adventures, and had all the guys after me. That person, of course, wasn't me and it was hard for me to come to terms with who I was. Now I wish I wasn't so ashamed of myself. There's nothing wrong with who you are, embrace it and you'll probably have a much better time than if you were pretending to be someone else.

I'm Overwelmed

I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm so stressed out right now. I don't have a midterm or anything big for another two weeks but for some reason, my condition is terrible right now. I don't feel like going to classes, or labs, or doing my homework, or even leaving my bed. I feel like all I've done for the past month is university work. I haven't had time to have fun because even when I have free time I'm worried about what needs to be done in the future.

I have two more months of classes then a month of finals. I guess since university terms are so short it feels like everything happens quickly. I'm used to having ten months to do all my school work and now I only have four months.

 I also have no idea how I'm doing in any of my classes since you don't find out any grades until you finish your midterms. I know the first year is supposed to be one of the hardest so I'm just trying to make it through. I didn't know I would feel this down. I have to somehow pick myself up and keep going but I have no idea how to find the motivation to do that. Studying at home isn't that bad but actually going to class makes me feel anxious right now, especially labs where I feel like I'm completely on my own. Hopefully, things get better but I'm not doing too well right now.

If Only I Had Time to Make Lunch Everyday

Tomorrow is the big first midterm day. Thursdays are quite long for me and now with the midterm, I'm not home until quite late. Normally when it comes to lunch I'll either skip it or buy something depending on how long my day is. However, I'm broke so buying lunch isn't really an option. That's why I decided to make myself a proper lunch.

Making my lunch was a lot of fun. I made some chicken wings that look really good. I also successfully made rolled eggs which hopefully taste good. Anytime I've tried to make them before they have turned into scrambled eggs so I'm quite happy I finally got it right. Along with my proteins, I also cut up some strawberries and pea pods. I presented everything in a lunch box and I was so proud of how good it looked. I'm not sure if making the lunchbox or eating it will be more enjoyable but I definitely enjoyed cooking. I wish I could make myself proper lunches all the time but sadly a lot of my days are too long and I have too much studying to do so there isn't enough time.

Lesson Learnt: Studying

It's been almost four months since I've had to study something and I kinda forgot how to do it.  I didn't expect to have to study so hard so soon. I have a math midterm in a couple of days and I guess I forgot how much time actual studying takes because I didn't leave myself enough time to study. I've been doing my homework since classes started so I'm not in too bad of shape but I'm still kinda worried that I don't have enough time to go through all the material.

Currently, I'm 1/4 of the way through my material. My test is in two days. I'm hoping to get half way through by the time I go to bed tonight but it's already getting late so I might just have to go super hardcore on the studying tomorrow. Of course, I have more classes than just math so I have to keep up with my other course work as well.

I've learned my lesson. Studying is hard and university requires a lot of studying. Please let me do well on my first university test!

Why I Love Online Shopping

Why I Don't Like Shopping in Stores

1. Their organization makes no sense. It's not organized by price or colour or type or brand or style, it's just laid out in a way that looks nice. I find that it's impossible to find anything because I have no idea where to look (Exceptions would be stores like Winners or Marshalls which are actually organized properly and easy to shop in).
2. The sales people stress me out. I don't like it when people come up to me and ask me if I need help or interrupt me every two seconds talking about their sales. If I need something I will ask someone and there are always signs all over the stores advertising sales so there's no need to bug me about that either.
3. The other shoppers make me anxious. I'm not good in crowds and I don't like feeling stuck in one place. It seems to be that whenever I'm looking at a rack of clothes there's always someone who comes right beside me and starts looking at the same stuff I am. Then I can't focus on looking at the stuff because I'm too worried about being in that person's way so I end up just moving away. If someone is looking at something I like I'll just go look at something else and wait until they left. It makes shopping turn into a strategy game instead of an enjoyable experience.
4. It's expensive. In stores, it seems like all the pretty, stylish looking stuff is always really expensive. The sales aren't that great either. It seems to be whenever I shop in stores I spend like $100 just on one outfit, and that's at cheap stores.

Why I Like Shopping Online

1. Everything is easy to find. You can look at things by price, colour, type, brand, or style. The layout of most sites is really nice and easy to navigate making it simple to find what you want.
2. There's no limit to your shopping experience. You can buy things from your town, you can buy things from across the country, or you can buy things in a completely different country. You aren't just stuck with what the stores in town are selling you can buy things from anywhere in the world.
3. Sales are amazing. As long as free shipping is available, there's no reason to think that online shopping is more expensive. In fact, I've found way better deals online than I've ever seen in stores. Recently I got $90 worth of clothes for only $60! I saved so much money and got so many cute things.
4. No people. Let's be honest we are becoming more and more of a reclusive society. Everything can be done through our phones or computers these days so there's no need to interact with anyone. People can have just about anything delivered to their house and they don't even have to get off the couch. In response, online shopping has become a huge thing because it's so easy to order something online instead of having to drive all the way to the store and searching through all the merchandise, most of the time not even being able to find something you like.
5. Prolongs the shopping experience. In stores, it's find something, pay for it, have it. But with online shopping, each thing is kinda independent. You can look at stuff one day, buy it another day, and receive it later. You get the fun of looking, buying, and waiting. Plus it's fun coming home to a box of stuff you ordered online. It's kinda like Christmas being able to unwrap everything and see how it all looks.

There are pros to shopping in stores and there are cons to shopping online but in my personal opinion, I'd take online shopping over in-store shopping any day. Mainly just because it's always a really fun and enjoyable experience. Plus everything I've ordered has turned out great, well except for a pair of really cute shoes that didn't fit but buying shoes online is quite tricky plus I got my money back so it worked out. So yeah online shopping is my newest obsession.

Tips For Buying Textbooks

Today I went to buy my textbooks so I've decided to write out a couple of tips based on my experience.

1. Timing. Honestly, it doesn't really matter when you buy your textbooks but there are a few things to be aware of. If you wait until after classes start (like me) you'll be completely sure you're getting the right books but the lines will be obnoxiously long. If you buy them before classes start you won't have to worry about waiting in a long line but there is always a chance that the teacher has changed the required books so be aware of that as well.

2. Bring a friend. It doesn't have to be a friend, it could be a family member, or pretty much anyone you can convince to come with you. I had four classes I needed to buy textbooks for and I take sciences so I have a lot of heavy textbooks. I'm sure I looked pathetic carrying all those books by myself today and I know it would have been a million times easier if I brought someone along to help me. Lesson learnt, textbooks are heavy and hard to carry; especially when you are like me and have no upper body strength.

3. Be aware of money. Everyone knows textbooks are expensive so make sure you have enough money. The problem I came across was that although I had enough money in my account my card had a limit that stopped me from being able to buy everything I needed. I got my limit increased so now I'll be able to go back and buy what I couldn't today. Before you go to make a big purchase know if your card has a limit and if it does make sure the limit is big enough that you can buy what you need to.

Overall things went pretty well. Everything was easy to find and the cashiers were nice. I'll be going back tomorrow though to get the stuff I couldn't today. Situations like today really make me understand how useless I am when it comes to adult matters but I'm learning so it's okay.

So Tired

I got back from my orientation about three hours ago and I haven't left my bed since I got home. All day I was walking around, talking to people, and listening to speeches that went on for hours. I'm not sure if it was the walking that tired me out or all the people since I'm quite introverted. I was happy that we were all put into groups because I didn't have to worry about finding people to hang out with and I could just stick with my group. Throughout the day I met some nice people: the girl who I found the orientation with and hung out with until it started, the girl who I sat next to during the speeches who's in biology, the friendly guy who is also doing biology, and a couple of more girls from my faculty. I'm not sure if I'll see any of them again but I'm sure I'll meet more nice people in my classes. Overall it was nothing to stress out about and a great day. I'm a little worried about tomorrow since I have a two hour break between my classes with nothing to do and no one to hang out with but I'm sure it'll be okay.

My New Beginning

Today marks the first day of my new life. No longer am I a high school student, now I'm a university student. For the first time ever I'm completely responsible for myself. I may still live at home but I plan on doing as many things on my own as possible.

At first, it's going to be lonely. I'll feel overwhelmed and maybe I'll even regret my choices a little bit. The transition will be hard and I know that. However, it's just the beginning and I know I'll adjust. Soon university won't be so scary, I'll just be a place I go every day, just another school. Although I've spent the last few weeks being stressed out and nervous now I'm ready to let myself feel excited. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to go to university. It still shocks me that I'm old enough as well. I just feel like I'm starting to understand myself and now I'm doing this big adult thing. As much as I'm scared I'm also really happy to be able to do this.

Textbooks Are Not Easy To Find

A misconception I had about university textbooks was that it would be easy to find them for cheaper prices than the bookstore. You hear all about how great it is to buy used textbooks and how easy it is but it's not. I've been looking online and most of the time I find the books at higher prices than the bookstore. Also, a lot of books now come with digital codes which are necessary for class but guess what? Used books can't guarantee they will have those codes and online stuff that you need.

I feel really bad having expensive books since my grandma offered to pay for them and I don't want to burden her too much. One semester of books when you have a full timetable is like $800 and that's only half of the year! I'm hoping that you can use the same books for both semesters but I have a feeling I'll have to buy all new books for the second semester except for one class I have which is year long. The English books for my second semester are pretty cheap so it'll only be like buying books for three classes instead of five but I'm still hoping the books are good for the whole year since the classes kinda go hand in hand.

My only hope is that I'll be able to sell the books after I'm done using them but since there are always new editions coming out, that seems unlikely. Regardless of how things turn out I still feel bad.

One Week Left

I'm currently searching for as much information as I can on starting university. I'm reading about how to study well, how to dress properly, how to make friends, and basically any university related article I can find. You could say I'm a little nervous.

I have no idea where my summer went but it seems it's pretty much over. The summer weather is already gone and soon my freedom will be gone as well.

I don't know if I'm excited or scared for next week. I keep worrying about every little thing. What should I wear? Where should I sit? Where are the bathrooms? Where do I eat? What do I bring on my first day? When does the homework start? What are the people like? Are the classrooms really as big as you see on tv? When do I buy books? How long does it take them to come if you order them online? What are the lab rooms like?

Okay, I'll be honest I'm completely freaking out. I wish I knew someone who had gone to university or someone currently in university to help ease my mind. Sadly my family members don't have experience and I don't know anyone older than me. It seems like I'm just going to have to stress out for a while until I settle into university life. I'm so nervous!

Lesson In Being Healthy

Since I'm trying to be a healthier person I've gotten into a habit of checking the nutritional information and ingredients for the things I eat. I've recently learnt an important lesson regarding that. It seems to be that sometimes companies try to trick you into thinking something is healthier than it really is by messing with the serving size. 

I have a weird love for instant ramen. I know it's horrible for me but it's really comforting to eat after getting home on a cold day. Because I'm trying to be healthy I tried to find the healthiest brand of instant ramen I could so I would feel less bad about eating it. I noticed that my favourite brand was quite high in fat and sodium so I switched to a different brand with a lower fat and sodium content. However after comparing the packages carefully, I noticed the trick. The new brand I was eating had a serving size of half a package whereas my favourite brand had a serving size of one whole package. So if I doubled the information for the new brand it was actually a lot worse for me than my favourite brand. I was both happy and upset by this. The new brand didn't taste as good so I was happy to be able to go back to my favourite brand but I was also upset by how the company had tricked me. I thought I was eating something that was better for me but it turned out to be worse for me. It's things like that which make me really upset because I hate it when people are manipulated for profit.

Either way I learnt the lesson that not everything is what it seems to be. If you want to read the nutritional information on packages, read it carefully or else you might make the same mistake I did.

I'm Over You

As pathetic as it is, it has taken me three years to get to this point. It seemed that during those years no matter how hard I tried, you always showed up. Mostly I heard about you through other's conversations but sometimes I used to run into you in the halls. I blame that for the fact that it took three years to have no romantic interest in you whatsoever. In my last post, I talked about running into you and I labeled you as my first love. Now just a couple of days later I've come to realize a fact, I don't know you anymore. You are no longer the sweet innocent fifteen-year-old boy who I shared my first kiss with. For a long time, I held onto the idea that you hadn't changed from that person but now I know you aren't him anymore. Just like I'm not the girl I was back then. Both of us have changed and grown up. I will always have pleasant feelings towards you since you were once a very important person to me but I no longer have any desire to be with you. I'm so relieved to finally have my feelings figured out since it caused me stress not understanding my feelings towards you. Now I realize that I get nervous around you in the same way I get nervous around old friends I lost touch with. You, like them, are a person I used to be close with and now that we aren't close it's awkward to see each other. I don't feel nervous around you because I like you, I feel nervous because you are my ex. It's as simple and easy to explain as that.

I'm over you.

I Didn't Want To See You

When my mom asks me to go with her to a movie usually I say no because I get embarrassed when I see people my age with their friends and I'm with my mom. But today, without thinking much, I said yes. The universe then decided to mess with me.

We were almost late to the movie so we were rushing to the theater. Outside I saw a small group of people who I recognized. I couldn't see his face since he was turned away from me but I knew who it was instantly. I was hoping if I didn't look at him it would turn out to be someone else. While waiting in line I was trying to be casual when I noticed my mom kept looking behind us, that's when I couldn't deny it was him anymore. From what I noticed there were four of them counting him, two of them were girls. I could play dumb and pretend he was just out with friends but I know it was a date. I didn't hear very much but from the sounds of it either he was being set up or he was setting up his friend. I was praying that he was there to see another movie. I was so freaked out by seeing him that I spilled the popcorn once we got into the theater. The four of them walked into the same movie as me and I had to sit there for two hours and pretend not to know. I couldn't focus on the movie because I was too busy calming myself down. Once the movie ended I left right away and didn't see him again.

Part of me kinda wished I had talked to him or at least known if he noticed me but I was too shocked seeing him there to do anything other than pretending he wasn't there. Before today I was 100% over him finally. The first thing I thought when he walked into the theater was, "I guess he was my first love." I didn't ever think I was in love with him but there must be a reason I can't get over him. I was completely fine and then I saw him and I couldn't control my emotions. It hurt so much having to sit in a theater with him while he was on a date with someone else. I will not make any move towards him as I just want to be over these feelings but I can't deny he was my first love anymore. So yeah the universe decided to torture me by making me see my ex-boyfriend on a date and then having to sit through a movie in the same room as him. I really wish things like this wouldn't happen, especially when I'm almost completely done with him.

I Worry For University Me

Today I decided it was time to grow up and finally do something on my own. Since I needed to go to my university to get my student card I decided I would get on the bus by myself for the first time to go get it. I was so worried about whether or not I would do things right. I was waiting at the bus stop and when I saw a bus coming I got on. I gave my ticket and did everything right until I realized the bus was going a weird way. Finally, I got the courage to ask the bus driver which bus it was and it was the wrong bus. I got off the bus, walked home, and defeatedly got my mom to drive me.

Turns out I'm very dependant on people and I'm unable to do things by myself. This sucks because I know no one at university so I'm probably going to be making mistakes all over the place. I have a feeling I'll do a lot of stupid things like walk into the wrong class, forget my books somewhere, and get lost all the time. Hopefully, I adjust quickly so I won't do anything too major to screw things up. I've always had a bad sense of direction and I tend to space out a lot which leads to me messing up. Let's hope everything goes well in three weeks, if it doesn't I'm sure I'll write about it.

The Difference a Haircut Can Make

I know it sounds really stupid but cutting my hair short had a big effect on me.

I haven't had short hair since the beginning of middle school and I always had the idea in my head that long hair was pretty and short hair wasn't. To me, short hair was only for children and since I thought I was sort of baby-faced I didn't want to look any younger than I already did. However, I also had an image in my head of university me and in that image, I always had short hair.

I first wanted to cut my hair short at the beginning of grade twelve. I had become really influenced towards short hair after watching a tv show with an actress who had beautiful short hair and seeing short haired models in pictures. I desperately wanted to cut my hair since my hair at the time was almost to the middle of my back. I felt like all my hair did was weigh me down but I also felt like I would regret it around prom time if I cut my hair short. Thus I decided to wait until after I graduated to cut my hair.

Now I've graduated and my hair goes slightly past my chin while being shorter in the back. I was asked when my hairdresser was about to cut my hair off if I would regret cutting it but I knew I wouldn't. Even after cutting my hair I never felt upset about having it short instead I felt extremely happy. I couldn't stop touching it or looking in the mirror or smiling. Ever since I cut my hair I feel like a big weight has been dropped. With short hair, I feel so much more happy and confident in myself.

I guess I feel like I'm finally making process in becoming who I want to be. Honestly, I've never liked my personality and I always felt I was too shut off and I hid too much from people. I've always said I was going to show more of my true self but I always kept hiding. Now I feel like I'm more ready to be a more honest me. I want people to see my happy self and to know the person I truly am inside. I know it's just a haircut but I feel like it could be the first step towards something great.

French

I'm in no way fluent in French. I took French from grade six to grade eleven and only really learned anything in the later years. I always got good marks until grade eleven when I suddenly forgot the entire language or something because I never knew what was going on in class. Anyway today one of my friends, who never took French, posted a tweet that said la vie este belle and it honestly bugged me so much but I didn't want to be one of those annoying people who corrects spelling all the time.
If you never took French est means is and doesn't have an e on the end. I really really wanted to correct her but I resolved to just write about it here and leave it alone. This is honestly the reason why I don't write down or like quotes from other languages because there's always the chance that what you thought was right was actually wrong. Like when people get Chinese tattoos and they think they are really poetic and beautiful and then someone who speaks the language tells them it actually is pure nonsense (see example A). I have a French quote in my room which is "m'aimer pour qui je suis" it translates to love me for who I am. I can explain exactly why it means what it means word for word but I'm not here to give you a French lesson so I'll spare you of that. Basically, there's nothing wrong with liking other languages even if you don't understand them or thinking words in other languages are pretty and wanting to share them, just make sure you get them correct.

Example A 

Something Finally Worked Out

I've been wanting a new desk for a while now but since it's expensive to buy them new, my mom agreed to buy me one if I found a used one. A lot of the ones I saw looked cheap and were no better than the tiny desk I currently had. I felt kinda annoyed by the whole thing until I came across the perfect desk, it was a cute white desk with drawers just like I wanted. The only problem was that it was $120 and my mom thought it was too expensive. Dejected I returned to my search only to see the exact same desk a couple of days later from a different seller for only $35. I was so happy I ran to my mom to show it to her and she agreed to buy it. I couldn't believe that I found the exact same desk for almost $100 cheaper! I felt so lucky that something like that happened to me and I was honestly in disbelief until I contacted the seller and found out it was indeed true.

Now I'm sitting in my room with a big smile on my face looking at my beautiful new desk. Something great also happened when I went to buy it. They had a matching bookcase that they were willing to sell for cheap if I bought it as a set. Since my bookcase always looked like it was about to collapse I thought why not and got the bookcase as well. The seller was a really nice couple who wished me good luck in my studies. They said that when their daughter used it she did really well in school and hoped for the same for me. I was touched by their kindness.

Also, there's something really nice about buying new furniture. It kinda felt like I was moving houses again. I'm a person who kinda likes moving because I like the fresh feeling and I like organizing new things. It was a lot of fun for me moving my old furniture out and putting the new stuff in. I also really enjoyed organizing my desk and bookcase. Overall it was a very good day :)

Wow I Was Such a Bad Person

Recently I was reading through my old journals for entertainment. As I read through them there was some stuff about my ex-boyfriend. Last night I was mainly just having fun reading passages from when I was thirteen to sixteen. It was funny because in one entry back before I dated him I was talking about how I had a crush on him then I completely forgot about him and talked about someone else in the next entry. There wasn't very much around the time we dated because I never did anything back then so I was really bad at writing consistently.

Anyway, the reason for this post's title is what I realized today as I was going through the journals again. There was one time about a year after we broke up that I had texted him and told him I still liked him only for him to reject me. Turns out that was actually an insensitive thing for me to do. On December 10th I wrote about finding out him and his girlfriend had broken up. On December 23rd I told him that I still liked him. Less than two weeks after him and his girlfriend broke up I tell him I still like him? I was awful. How could I do that? I'm sure he was still dealing with the break up at that point and I just decide it's the perfect time to tell him how I felt. Wow, just wow.

Lesson learned that I actually need to consider other people before I do things. Honestly, I guess that means that I didn't really like him then. They say that if you truly like someone you consider their feelings before your own. I didn't even think of him so I obviously didn't like him as much as I thought I did. Turns out it was a good thing I was rejected. I guess everything works out how it should. But wow how could I be so dense?

I Can Never Go To Concerts

If you live somewhere that has a lot of bands that come for concerts you are extremely lucky. In my hometown, no one good comes for concerts. There's a big city not too far away from my hometown but even a lot of artist don't come there. I'm really upset about this right now because a group I really want to see is coming to my country for the first time but they are only coming to one city that is way too far away for me to travel to. Even if I did want to buy a plane ticket to go there I couldn't because the concert is on a Tuesday in the fall when I have university classes. They are known for having amazing concerts and I was so excited when I found out they were coming to my country but it turns out they aren't coming anywhere towards me. It's really disappointing but another group I love is going on tour soon so I'm hoping they will come close to me but they've never been to my country before so it's probably just a pipe dream. I really really wish I lived somewhere that more groups come to because my country is always so ignored by major groups.

Trying To Get Fit

I'm a person with a lot of unhealthy habits. I sleep at weird times, I snack way too much, I stay in bed for a long time, I get winded walking up a bunch of stairs, and I don't exercise at all. I was quite set in my habits because I never noticed any change in myself. However, when my weight gain became noticeable I began to feel a lot less confident in my clothes. I decided it was time to try and change my bad habits in order to get a body I was more happy with. I'm not saying that I think I'm fat and that people need to be super skinny in order to look good because I don't believe that at all. I just want to be more fit and happy with myself.

Currently, I've been trying to change my ways for a couple of months now but being a lazy person I could never really stick to anything. Now that it's summer all I have is free time so I've decided to get serious and actually make a change. I'm on an easy going diet which is basically just me trying to eat better but not being upset when don't. I've never believed in super strict diets because I feel like controlling yourself too much just makes you feel unhappy. Instead, I'm just trying to consider whether my body can make good use of something before I eat it in order to move away from foods that do me no good.

It hasn't been that long since I started trying to get fit so I don't really see any results but I don't get winded going up stairs anymore so at least I'm not terribly out of shape. For the first time in my life, I can actually do a proper pushup which is pretty cool. I can't do very many but at least I can do a push up now, I always used to fake it in gym class. I'm hoping that by the end of the summer I will have made some progress so that I can feel happier in my body.

I'm Thankful For My Mom

It's not mother's day, it's not my mom's birthday, it's just a day where I feel the need to express my gratitude that I got the mom I have. I told my mom about my dream where she yelled at me for wasting her money by going to university instead of college and her response was very reassuring to me. She told me that she's happy I'm going to university and that she doesn't care if university ends up being a waste of money because it's what I want to do. She said that she wants to give me all the opportunities she didn't have when she was my age and even if I fumble or make a mistake it's okay because I'm moving towards my dream and that's all that matters.

My mom is honestly the perfect fit for me. I think I'm quite lucky because a lot of the people I know don't have as good of relationships with their mom as I do with my mom. She can be annoying and overbearing at times but what mom isn't? She knows to give me my space and let me make my own decisions about my life. She understands not to scold me when I act out or get upset because she knows that I just need to get those bad feelings out since I tend to keep them inside for far too long. I'm the type of person who doesn't do well if I feel restrained and I tend to do the opposite of what people tell me to do just to spite them. My mom completely understands my personality and knows how to handle me which makes me thankful for her. She's always there to reassure me and comfort me when I need it. Even if we fight and sometimes I wish I could move out; I'm very happy with her in my life.

What a Current Dream Made Me Realize

I don't know why but I like talking about my dreams. I'm a person who rarely has dreams or should I say I rarely remember them after I wake up so it's interesting to me when I do remember. This recent dream caused me to be wide awake at 8:30 am. I had a nightmare a couple of hours earlier and fell back asleep but couldn't do that after this dream.

I don't remember most of the details but I was with my mom. I don't know how the argument started but we were fighting about me going to university. She was pressuring me into going to college instead of university because it was cheaper and she claimed that I was going to waste away all her money if I went to university. I replied, "What am I supposed to do now? It's too late to change my mind." Then I began crying and added, "If I go to college I'll spend all my time learning one thing, what if I can't find a job? Then I'm screwed. If I go to university I can learn many things and I'll have way more options. I just don't feel like I can be happy if I go to college." Then I woke up from the dream.

This dream came at a weird time in my life because I'm confirmed to be attending university in the fall but I've been worrying lately whether or not I should have chosen college. I guess I've been feeling guilty since my family will be paying for my education and university is a lot more expensive than college. However, I never once thought of myself going to college in all of my life. Even when I wanted to be a dental hygienist I still wanted to study it at a university. I feel sort of selfish thinking this way. I know there is nothing wrong with college but going to university has always been my dream. I always wanted to be well educated and for my family to see me when I'm older and think to themselves how accomplished I became. It was the last thing I said in my dream that really hit me. I've been worrying so much about whether or not I made the wrong choice based on money that I didn't even consider my own happiness. It's true that I can't see myself being happy in college. University is my dream and looking forward to it is my biggest source of happiness right now. Maybe I don't have all the details mapped out yet and I don't know exactly what I'm aiming for at the end but I'm figuring things out.

If I could give advice to adults who know of someone who has just graduated high school, I would tell them to just support whatever that person wants to do instead of stressing them out with a million questions about their future. You didn't have an exact plan when you were eighteen so why would current eighteen-year-olds be any different? We are still trying to work things out, just cut us some slack.

I Dream of....Wedding?

I just woke up frazzled because of the dream I had. First of all, I arrived at this venue with my family in a wedding dress. When it came time for the wedding to start I was pacing around the ceremony area because none of the guests had shown up yet. I began to question if the invitations were send out and my mom assured me that she did that. Then I wanted to call my soon to be husband but then people started flooding in. Because I was the bride I didn't want people to see me before the ceremony so I covered my face with a fan and ran to where I was out of sight. For some reason I ended up in a university hallway and I guess I was getting married in a university. I began to panic that no one was going to come get me for my wedding and that I would miss it. I also worried that my soon to be husband hadn't arrived yet. I tried calling my family members but no one answered then suddenly I realized my dad was right beside me. He calmed me down and we made our way to the wedding.

The dream stopped before I got married but the part of this dream that freaked me out was that I was my current age of eighteen and I was getting married to my ex boyfriend. I looked up the meaning of my dream and it said that dreaming of marrying an ex means that I have accepted aspects of that relationship and learned from those past mistakes. It was reassuring to me that I don't actually want to marry my ex at a young age but that it actually meant I had accepted and moved on from the relationship. Anyway, it was still pretty weird to dream of getting married.

I Woke Up to an Orange Sky

I got up at 10 am and noticed the light coming through my blinds was a different colour than usual. I opened up my window to see that the sky was orange. If it were around the time of a sunset or sunrise this wouldn't have been strange but 10 am is nowhere near either of those events. The sky was very beautiful to look at but it gave an ominous feeling. It turns out there was a forest fire a couple of hours away from me. Summers are usually dry but I've never woken up to something like that in my whole life.

*not my picture but imagine this but a weaker orange colour

Apple Why Don't You Make Proper Chargers?

I've been having a lot of trouble with the charger for my laptop recently. Back when I used to have a pc laptop the only time I ever had a problem with my charger was when my laptop was over five years old and everything was just dying at that point. My currently laptop is less than a year old and my charger is already trash. Firstly unless I had it in the perfect position in my power strip it wouldn't charge my laptop. Secondly sometimes it would just start making sparking sounds which made me fear it was going to electrocute me, actually it did shock me once but it was pretty weak. Lastly part of the charger had become kind of loose and I had to keep pushing it back into place so that it would work. It was because of this last problem that it broke completely today. I tripped on the cord and instead of it just being pulled out of the plug, the charger came apart and the loose part completely fell off. I tried to put it back together but it didn't work. Lucky for me my mom had a charger from her old laptop that I can use but it still annoys me how quickly my charger broke. Tripping on it and breaking it was completely my fault but the other issues just came out of nowhere. I'm so disappointed with the lack of quality, especially from macs which are said to be really good quality.

this is not my picture, I found it on the internet, but this is basically what happened to mine

Insert Swear Word

My best friend and I were planning on going to the lake tomorrow. The original plan was for us to go with this guy friend of hers and for him to bring a friend but it seems the guy's friend can't make it. My best friend then asked if I would be able to invite someone and guess who was the first person that popped into my mind? If you've read any of my past posts you would probably know the answer.

I literally thought of this whole scenario in which I text him and ask him to come despite the fact that we haven't talked in the while but it's such a strange thing to ask someone you're not that close with. Then I imagined that for some weird reason he said yes and we went to the lake together and everything was rainbows and unicorns. I really really hate that I ever had that thought in the first place. I'm a person who claims to be over him yet I go and think things like this. Insert swear word (since I don't actually want to swear here). I hate that I still think of him in times like these.

Currently going to the lake is off. It would be nice if life worked according to my deluded fantasies but if I actually tried to make it happen I know it wouldn't go well. Maybe with a larger time frame to ask him I could but who would say yes to going to the lake when someone asks you at midnight the night before? No one. I'm quite disappointed because I really wanted to go to the lake...

Dear Self - Letter From Two Years Ago

Sept. 5, 2013
Currently I'm starting grade eleven and I think I won't see this for like two years. Right now I'm just really socially awkward and have low self confidence but hopefully that has changed. Hopefully I will become a better driver and learn how to park. I hope I have volunteered at the hospital and figured out whether or not I really want to be a doctor. I hope I have met great friends who actually care about me. Also I hope I'm working on the third book in my series since right now I'm almost done the first, maybe I'll even be published. I'm not quite sure what my future will be but hopefully I'm happier than I am now because life could be better but I have hope for the future.

Two Months Of Freedom

I'm officially done high school. On Thursday I go in to pick up my report card then I'll never have to set foot in that school again, although it won't be possible to go back since the school's being pushed over this summer. I have to praise myself and the rest of my grad class for living through two years of construction. I know the younger grades had to deal with it as well but at least they get to go to our new school, we never even get to see what the inside looks like. I don't really care honestly I'm just glad to be done.

My plans for this summer started off with looking for a summer job but honestly I'm not sure I care about that anymore. It would be nice to get a job but it's been over a week since I did my big applying day and I've heard nothing back. I could go apply more but I'm kinda enjoying just doing nothing... this is why I'm worried about myself in the future. But I have four years of university before I have to set out into the real world so I think I can be stupid and irresponsible for now. I'm sure I'll mature when I need to. I mean I've spent all this time preparing myself for university I need time to prepare myself before I set out for a job and I definitely wont settle like I did last time.

It's kinda strange to have so much free time after spending the past two weeks hardcore studying for my finals. I put more effort into my classes this year than I ever have before so it's even weirder to have worked hard for ten months and to have a break now. I really want to cherish this time and by cherish I mean go to the beach as often as possible and wear summer clothes all the time. Seeing my friends would nice too, well having a boyfriend would also be nice but we can't get everything we want, I'll settle with just seeing friends.

Okay this is random but I just thought of this dream I had a while back which is really freaking me out. It was about university. It was the first day and I walked into class to see that everyone in my high school was there and it was just a repeat of high school. Maybe this wouldn't scare most people but it would be so disappointing to survive four years with people who barely knew you existed then to go to this new place expecting a chance to start over only to have to repeat what you just did and spend another four years with people who don't notice you.

Anyway, I'm happy to have freedom. This post was a lot looser then what I usually write but I'll just label this as ramble again. It seems like everything I write lately is a ramble. Oh maybe I can spend this summer writing my novel idea and that can be my summer job. I probably won't ever publish it but then at least I'll feel like I did something good with my time. Sorry, I meant to end this post, I'm done rambling now.

Relief!

Since it's exam week I've been non-stop worrying and studying. I'm currently half way through my exams with my hardest one happening today. My worries aren't so much about not graduating or not getting into university because my class marks are high enough that even if I were to fail all my exams I would still graduate and get into university. My worry has been keeping my average high enough that I still get a scholarship from my university.

I've been stressing a lot because my chemistry marks aren't so great. I also had no idea what my biology marks were so I had to make it up when I was trying to calculate the minimum I needed to keep my scholarship. I just got a response back from my biology teacher about my mark and I'm so happy. Turns out my mark is way higher than I estimated it to be so now it doesn't even matter if I completely fail my chemistry exam (which I will since I've learnt nothing all year) because my other marks are now high enough to take the impact and not have a big effect on my final grades overall. My day has totally been made. I don't really want the embarrassment of failing an exam so I'd like to at least pass the chem exam but I'm happy to know that even if I can't do that, everything will be okay.

Whatcha Doing There?

I was looking through some old papers from about two years ago when I came across this post I wrote which I think is quite entertaining...

I was really bored in foods class so I was just sitting alone at my table playing on my phone when suddenly this guy crawls across my table. Then I hear his friend say, "She didn't even look up." Then he says, "Okay I'll go do it again," and he crawls across the table again. I didn't look up but I started giggling.

This is a true story by the way and to this day I have no idea who it was or why they decided to crawl across my table because I never looked up. Honestly, I'd completely forgotten about this incident until I came across the post and then it all came back to me. So if you're ever wondering what guys act like in high school, they apparently like to crawl across tables for no conceivable reason.

Continuation: Maybe It's Better To Be Alone

I'm writing this as sort of a continuation of my last post where I expressed how I was done with high school because no one there noticed me or cared about me. Honestly, I've always had trouble getting along with people. It's not like I have a horrible personality or anything, it just that a lot of people dismiss me because I don't talk much. Everyone wants someone fun and exciting to hang around and that's not me. I'm quiet, I think a lot, and I don't care for shallow relationships.

Being alone was never something that felt wrong to me. When I'm alone in public I feel anxious but when I'm at home I'm at my happiest. No one disturbs me and I'm free to do whatever I want. I gain a lot of energy from being by myself which is why I'm 100% an introvert. I never schedule two tiring social events in a row because I know I can't handle it. Back when I was in a relationship we hung out every day and it had a negative impact on me because I lost that alone time that I desperately needed. I get bugged a lot for not going out but there are very few times when I want to go out. I want to live life to its fullest but I don't think that equals going out all the time. A lot of the time when I'm with people I regret going out because of how excluded I feel. In those cases, I know that I would be happier to be home alone. Honestly, I hate how there's this negative view on being alone. It's what I enjoy and I'm not going to be shamed by it. Even if I don't have much of a social life and I only have one or two true friends, I'm completely happy with that.

*creds to whoever drew this, I couldn't find a name

I'm so Done with High School

Today has been awful. It was my last day of high school and it couldn't have been worse.

First of all, I had to suffer through pointless short classes in the morning. Then I had to wait forever for my yearbook while feeling like I was going to faint only to find out I didn't pay for a yearbook even though I was sure I did. I felt so sick that I didn't even bother to figure out what went wrong and just left the school. Now after being gone for over an hour, not one of my friends has contacted me to see where I am. It's quite disappointing to know that no one actually cares whether you are around or not. All I can say is that I'm glad to be leaving.

All Time Stress High

Generally, I'm a person who doesn't handle stress well. I don't like having a ton going on because I need quite a bit of rest to function normally. However, I'm currently experiencing the most amount of stress I ever have.

I'm two weeks away from being done high school forever. I have homework to do and finals to study for. Since I'm graduating I need to make sure I've completed all the requirements so I can actually graduate. Also, I have to worry about next year. I had this issue with my university where they hadn't received my acceptance deposit so I had to sort that out. Class registration also begins right in the middle of my exam week so I have to wake up extra early on the day of my biology exam so that I can make sure I get the classes I need for next year. Then we have outside of school stuff. I'm stopping my time at the place I'm volunteering but I haven't heard anything about whether or not I can leave yet so that's weighing heavily on me. The reason that is a problem is because I'm currently searching for a summer job and I could have some issues with conflicting hours if I get a job while I'm still volunteering. Also applying for jobs is stressful and I need a job this summer so I have to try really hard to get hired while also thinking up backup plans in case I can't find a job. If all that wasn't enough I'm also starting to manage my own money and I recently made a mistake that I had to get sorted out.

I honestly don't know how I'm doing so well. Usually, just one thing would cause me a lot of stress but I have so many things to stress out about right now. I've also not been sleeping well so that makes everything worse because I'm so sleepy I can't do things properly (which is why I had an issue involving money recently). Overall I'm not doing that bad though. I can still function and the stress hasn't affected me too much yet. I seriously can't wait for summer when most of these issues go away.