Am I Smart Enough?

An issue I've had for a long time has been doubting if am I smart enough for what I want to do in my life. When I think about it by myself I believe that I am smart enough because I've never really had any trouble with my school work and if I did I could figure it out on my own. Being sort of a loner has always been good for me academic wise because I have lots of time to do homework and I have to figure problems out on my own because I have no one to help me. I've gotten to the point in my school work where not even my older brother can help me out so I'm completely on my own.

However, I'm constantly doubting whether or not I can do what I want to do when I discuss it with other people, especially relatives. Because you know how relatives always ask you the same boring questions like, "How's school?" or "What do you want to do after school?" I tell them that I'm going for a science degree and they are always a bit shocked (which to be honest is hurtful) but then they go on to say, "Are you sure?","You know it's quite hard." I always answer, "Oh it's fine I'm good at math and science." But then they say, "But you have to be really good." And I reply, "I am."

After the conversation is over I'll begin to question myself on whether or not I can handle it. Or if I am good at math or if I really am smart enough. It's those thoughts that absolutely ruin me. Like I said I've never had a problem in school. I'm a good student and I grasp subjects quite easily. However, when people tell me it's hard and that I may not be able to handle it, I start to believe what they say. Obviously, this is stupid because they haven't done science degrees and they most definitely don't have the same mind as me. I truly believe I can do what I aspire to but it's hard to not doubt yourself when people are constantly doubting you.

Computer When I Was a Child

So I've been thinking a lot about my days when I was younger on the computer. I remember my first experience with a computer was me playing a Snoopy game. However, it seems that I went downhill somewhere. Although I mainly spent my time playing online dress up games and an inhuman amount of sims, I have some sort of funny, sort of cringe memories of me on the computer.

1. The time I was playing dress up games then my brother and his friend who I had a crush on came into the room to play video games. I decided I wanted to be cool and impress his friend so I closed my game and started playing solitaire....yup. My brother's friend saw what I was playing and commented that his grandpa played solitaire a lot. That comment may have shattered my world...

2. Msn logs. Sadly I don't remember much of them and I have no access to them but I remember I used to go on a lot to talk to friends. I was too young for any awkward talking to boys moments but I did use a lot of sparkly emoticons.

3. Flirting with teenage boys when I was ten. Now I don't really think I knew what I was doing but do you remember like chat room style talking? I wasn't in a chat room but in a game with free chat and private chat so I would go on there a lot and secretly talk to guys. However, whenever they asked a/s/l I would always lie and say I was 16 or 17. I actually added an 18-year-old to my msn but was too scared to talk to him because he was so much older. Needless to say, I shouldn't have been allowed on that site.

4. Facebook chats. I joined facebook when I was about 12 years old so I have some old archived messages from back then. A lot of it is me talking to my friend's boyfriends which is bad but I never flirted with them or anything. However, there are 2 that are particularly funny. One is a guy I liked when I was 15 and I kept talking to him and asking him to hang out with me and stuff which is pretty funny because it's so obvious that I was into him. The other funny one is the early conversations with my first boyfriend because what can I say we were cute.

But yeah that's just a few of the things I remember from my past internet years. Honestly, there are more stories about number 3 but they are just a bit too inappropriate for me to ever tell anyone. There are also I lot more sites I was on that I could talk about but I think this post is long enough.

*this is what my first computer looked like, 

it was in my brother's room but I still got to play on it

Sleeping Schedule Extremely Off

I'm traveling currently so I've been doing a lot of moving from place to place. Although I've been in the same time zone for about a week now, I think I'm still jet lagged. I go to bed quite late (like always) and I'm forced to wake up quite early (*cough* 10 am) so it's off in that way. However, it seems to be whenever I'm in a moving vehicle I just fall asleep. I did it on the plane and now every time we drive to a new city I fall asleep in the car. I'm actually sleeping quite a lot which is very weird and the sleep is on and off. Usually I sleep for about 8/9 hours all at one time but now it's very spread out.

Wow, what was even the point of this post? I'm tired basically. At least it's not like earlier when I was being really weird and going on and on about noodle people.... yeah I have nothing to say about that...

Also I made this little youtube video about my trip so if you are curious check it out!

Tips For Surviving a Plane Ride

Maybe you have anxiety or you just don't like planes but here are some of my tips to get through it.

Take offs
 I find this to be one of the scariest parts. The best thing for me is to put on music loud enough that I can't hear the plane sounds, close my eyes, think of the things that make me most happy/calm and just try to pretend I'm not on a plane. I will admit I look like there is something seriously wrong with me when I do this but when you're really freaked out you won't care about how you look as long as you get through it.

During the plane ride
Distractions, distractions, distractions. Make sure you have a movie to watch, music to listen to, or even a book to read if you can handle that.

Feeling Trapped
If you are feeling really stuck in your seat, get up. Go take a walk or go into the bathroom for a little alone time and to stretch out. Although you feel safest in your seat, the walk may help you calm down. If you can't do this, use distractions or change your position to hopefully help it out.

Food
If you can eat normally on a plane ignore this one but for me I can never eat anything while traveling which is awful. I do not recommend eating nothing because if you do get sick, it's intensely painful. Try to eat light things and bring a couple of snacks onto the plane if you can. You will feel better having food you like to eat. If not go for the most plain thing offered. If you really can't eat anything, at least drink water because dehydration feels awful.

Landing
Also known as hell itself. This is the worst part for me. Follow the steps of take offs. Loud music, closed eyes, happy calming thoughts, visualizing yourself somewhere else however add in some deep breathing. Focus everything on your breathing. Put your hand on your chest so you can feel each inhalation and exhalation. If you are really feeling anxious or sick just keep telling yourself "I can do this" or "I can make it through this" or "I will be fine" even if you don't believe it.

Afterwords
If you made it through this trip without getting sick or having a panic attack make sure you congratulate yourself. It was a hard thing for you but you did it and you should be proud of yourself. Even if you are still feeling a bit off, get a little treat for later as a reward.
If something did happen during this trip know that it's okay. You tried your hardest and you just couldn't prevent it and it's okay that it didn't go well. Next time you'll do better. After getting off the plane make sure you sit down for a bit before doing anything else. Don't feel bad about what happened. Next trip you'll do better.

To anyone who is nervous about flying hopefully that helped. These are just my personal tips. You may notice I didn't mention any sort of medication or sleeping pills because I'm unable to swallow pills and I generally don't use any sort of medication to get through my issues, yes it is necessary sometimes and sometimes it would be easier to just take medicine but what can I say I'm stubborn.

Travel Anxiety

I'm going to Ontario really soon and I'm leaving for the airport in about five hours. Now my fear of planes isn't as bad as it used to be but my body doesn't handle traveling well which is a shame since I plan on doing a lot of it.

I had a bad plane experience the first time I went on a plane when I was six and I've always been quite anxious about going on planes since then. This is my 4th time ever being on a plane and seeing as though the last one was an eight-hour plane ride to Hawaii, I don't think it'll be too bad. I've planned lots of activities for myself (saying that makes me feel like I'm a child who needs to be entertained....) but I feel prepared for it. I'll be sleep deprived when I get there since four or five hours the night before doesn't seem worth it and I cannot sleep on planes. Also sleeping medicine doesn't work on me if you were thinking about that. Another issue is that I have a fear of eating while traveling because I think it will cause me to throw up however that is an awful idea as throwing up with an empty stomach is the worst thing ever.

Other than the plane ride it's just that adjusting to new time zones and everything makes me really tired, but I'm now realizing that's called jet lag and it's extremely common. Never mind that's a stupid point (can you tell that I just write these and don't edit them at all???).

But yeah as much as I'm getting all worked up about my trip I'm very excited. I plan on taking tons of pictures and videos and shopping a lot. I doubt I'll be able to see any cultural stuff which is a shame since I'm also going to Quebec but I can always go back some other time with someone who is into that sort of stuff. This one is a family trip so I kinda have to do family stuff but it'll still be fun. Obnoxious smiley face...

Lack Of Motivation

If I haven't mentioned already I'm an avid dreamer. I have so many dreams and passions. There's so much I want to do with my life. I want to get into peak condition both physically and mentally, I want to be able to play beautiful piano music, I want to write many books, I want to explore the world, I want to spend my life learning, and I want to study the world around me. All these things seem in my reach if only I had the motivation to get to them. The sad thing about my dreams is knowing unless I have some sort of life changing epiphany, I will never get the motivation I need to achieve them. I complain a lot about not knowing what to do with my life and as much as that's true, it's not that I don't know what to do but that I don't know how to do it. University alone scares me enough, I have no idea how to apply or pick classes or anything. Compared to the rest of life university is going to be the easy part. I guess I just get overwhelmed sometimes by how much I want to do in life yet all I ever do is sit in bed. I feel like I'm wasting so much time but I can't change myself.

Are Fantasies Better Than Real Life?

Many different subjects can be attached to the question of whether or not fantasies are better than real life but being a boring teenage girl I'm not going to be deep and philosophical about it. I'm talking about boys...again. As much as I would like to go into a huge debate on dreams vs reality, that just screws up my mind and leaves me sitting in the corner of my room questioning everything so yeah... I'm sticking with boys.

Being a dreamer of sorts I tend to fantasize a lot about love and relationships. I'm the crazy person that will have a guy say one word to me and then I'll be planning our future life together in my head. Lately, I haven't had the greatest luck in the relationship department and I always find myself enjoying fantasizing about people more than an actual relationship. Sometimes I wonder if pursuing someone is even worth it when the fantasies of us together make me so happy. I mean when you are first talking to someone you just become so happy by the tiniest things and you get sent off into this magical dream world of you two together. I've found that a lot of times trying to change this beginning stage of a relationship into something more tends to just screw things up. Suddenly you can't dream about you two together because you are too busy worrying about the weirdest things.

I mean it's kind of like would you rather fantasize about some celebrity/youtuber who makes you happy or get in a real relationship with a real person you actually know. Obvious one will always go right whereas the other will eventually have problems.

But this doesn't mean that dreams win. Honestly now that I'm thinking about this, I think that reality is the one that truly wins. Yes in real relationships you have fighting, confusion, jealousy, pressure, expectations and such but you also have deep conversations, kissing, hugging, cuddling, holding hands and above all else a real tangible connection with someone. I mean yes those dreams and fantasies are incredible but they are nothing compared to the real dream moments in life. It's like comparing thinking about kissing someone and actually kissing someone; obviously physically kissing them is going to be a million times better even if they bite your tongue by accident or start laughing.

After all that I've come to a conclusion and sidenote I think it was really helpful to write it all out. I recommend anyone who is confused or trying to figure out what to do in a situation to write out all their feelings because it really helps. Going into this I was sure fantasies were going to be better but when I started thinking about the amazing real life moments I knew no fantasy could compete with them.