Putting Other People Above Myself

Basically, I've had a crappy day. I woke up super early feeling sick to my stomach and some gross stuff happened. I stayed home from school and spent the day barely moving, in the dark, and with very little technology because of my on and off headache.

In the evening I got a call from my best friend which was really nice. I tried not to tell her I was sick because she's having a birthday party soon and I didn't want her to worry but I knew my voice was going to give it away so I ended up telling her anyway. Now I have a lot riding on how I feel in the morning.

The reason why the subject of this post is me putting others ahead of myself is that no matter how I feel tomorrow I will be going to that party because I know my best friend really wants me there. It's always been like this for me. I will easily skip out on things that only affect me but when it involves other people I will sort of bend to their will regardless of how I feel. So if I'm sick and I already made plans to do something with someone I'm doing that thing I made plans to do no matter what. This also has to do with me having no backbone. I mean I'm not going to undermine my values but if someone wants to see a movie I don't really want to see I'll go along with it just because I can't say no to them. This tortures me sometimes but overall it's not that bad of a thing because at least it makes other people happy.

I'm Stupid When it Comes to Sleeping

Anyone who knows me is no stranger to my odd sleeping patterns. The majority of the people I know function as normal human beings, going to bed at a decent time and waking up at a decent time. Then there's me who could easily turn nocturnal in less than a week. I have two sleeping schedules, my school one and my "I have nothing to do" one. For my school one, I go to sleep at around midnight then wake up at 8 am. I was being really good for a week and was waking up at 7:30 am, which is when I actually set my alarm, which meant I had time to get ready in the morning but that quickly fell apart. When I don't have school, however, I'm all over the place. I will go to sleep anywhere from midnight to 4 am and then wake up between 10:30 am (on a good day) to 3 pm. I try not to sleep through dinner though because it really screws up my body. I'm actually starting to get better and I hardly ever sleep in past 1 pm anymore but with summer coming up soon I know my sleeping pattern is going to be completely screwed up.

Wow, this post is really boring. Anyway, the main thing I wanted to mention is sometimes I'll get really tired at a decent time and I'll be ready to pass out but stupidly I won't let myself fall asleep. I'll end up staying up later, getting my 1am/2am kick of energy and then not sleeping well even though I could have easily gone to bed at a good time. I am a night owl so I get my energy at night so my sleeping pattern kind of makes sense. Though I also enjoy the mornings because they are nice and quiet and you feel like an actual productive person when you wake up early. However, if I'm forced to get up in the morning or I wake up and have to do something, the only advice I can give to anyone around me is: feed me sugar and stay away. I'm not a nice forced morning person.

I'm Going To Be A GREAT Adult

Note that the title is extremely sarcastic.

Today has just further proved to me that I'm just going to be a terrible adult one day. I did my teenage responsibilities of going to school and stuff but I tried to add in a few more adult-type things. My morning started with the usual running late for school and barely making it on time. I had a meeting at lunch (so professional sounding right?) so I didn't have much time to eat but kind of just shoved food into my mouth before class. I got home and lived up to my usual standard of lying in bed watching TV shows/youtube for as long as I possibly could before I had to do something.

Right now my mom is doing this thing where she either cooks really badly or cooks something I hate in hopes that I'll start cooking for myself so she won't have to. So today I was forced into making myself my own dinner so I made homemade mac and cheese. It looked really good but kinda tasted a bit off and made my stomach feel really weird after I ate it. Obviously, I get no points for cooking today since I gave myself an upset stomach.

I lazed around for the rest of the day while constantly getting up to do something, getting completely distracted, and forgetting all about it. When it was time for bed (ie time to lie in bed and pretend that I'm actually going to go to sleep when in reality I'm just gonna lie there), I was looking through my drawers and realized I had run out of normal pajamas. This is actually a bad habit lately because my mom doesn't really do my laundry anymore and I frequently forget about it so I'm always without clothes that I want to wear. Even when I do laundry I don't usually put it away and I just leave it in a pile in my room. So yeah moral of today is, when I'm older and I move out, I'm screwed.

AHHH The Future!

I get these random moments when I get really obsessed with university and my future. I have some booklets of universities that I got at the beginning of the year which I flip through quite often. I've decided on what university I want to go to, which is my local one because it's nice and the most affordable option. If I were rich I would go to a really nice one across the country but that's just unrealistic and I'm more than happy to go to the local one.

I've had a lot of trouble deciding my major and it's between two. See my issue is that I love both science and English which are obviously two things that don't go together so I can't do a combined major. Since they are different faculties that will give me different degrees it's quite hard for me to choose. It's not like I'm deciding between chemistry and biology which both give you the same type of degree because that would be a lot easier to choose. I have about half a year until I have to apply which is scary, especially since I'm so torn up. People always say follow your passion but I love them both and they would both make me equally as happy. Honestly, I'm leaning towards science basically for three reasons.
Number 1: I'm able to do an exchange with it so I would be able to live in a different country for a year while still continuing with my studies.
Number 2: there are Co-ops available so I would be able to work and gain experience while studying.
Number 3 I would probably have better luck getting a job with a science degree than with an English degree.

Although I will most likely go into science, my passion for English is making me doubt myself and I'm wondering if maybe English would make me happier. I don't know. I still have some time so I'll ponder it during the summer before I have to make any real decisions.

Being Crazy About Someone

I really miss the times when I was so into someone that I was filled with joy all the time and everything seemed so amazing. I miss staying up late and texting someone all night with a big smile on my face. I miss hugs that you never want to end. I miss missing someone even after just seeing them. I miss so much about the times when I was just crazy into someone. To me, there are 3 different versions about being crazy about someone. Number 3 being the one I like the best and the one I'm missing right now.

1. Being crazy about someone who doesn't like you back: also known as the horror of unrequited love. This is one that I experienced a lot when I was younger and I would become crazy about any cute guy who smiled at me. If I experience it now I either don't care or it drives me insane until I don't care. I really don't have much to say about this version other than it sucks.

2. Being crazy about someone who likes you back but the craziness doesn't last. Aka a relationship that wasn't meant to be. At first, you're really into them. You have those awesome late night chats and warm hugs but then the feeling kinda goes away. If you're in a relationship this one sucks a lot because once the craziness goes away you're usually left with nothing but boringness. If you're not in a relationship it kinda just ends which is nice because you don't have to pretend like the craziness is still there.

3. Being crazy about someone and having the feelings last. This is the one that people write novels and songs about. It's the one where you find yourself missing them all the time even after you just saw them. The one where you would do anything just to see them. This is the rare and precious one. The one that will change your whole view on love.

To be honest I've had a weird experience where it's basically version 3 except I didn't know what his feelings towards me were. The reason why I consider it to be version 3 and not version 1 is because we were good friends and I was almost positive he liked me as well but I never confessed my feelings. I'm still in contact with him and I still have those feelings for him but it just got weird between us because we drifted apart because of life stuff. If you're wondering what prompted this post, I was just remembering old conversations and memories. I'm also quite conflicted about my version 3 guy but that's not really a story to be told anytime soon. I'm just missing old times and missing being crazy about someone who seems to be crazy about me as well.

quote dedicated to my #3 guy

Crepe Failure

I've been seeing dessert crepes around a lot lately and they always look amazing so I tried to make my own, probably not the best idea... I found a recipe online and was able to change it so instead of making eight crepes, it would make two. Making the batter went well so I started to cook it. I poured a bit too much batter in the pan and by a bit I mean instead of making two crepes I made one...

Despite how thick it was, it turned out okay and actually sort of looked like a crepe. While taking it out of the pan I accidentally split it in half. I decided to ignore this and without much thought, I covered one side in whipped cream and strawberries then placed the other side on top. It looked pretty good until I took it back to my room and tried to eat it. Since it was still hot the whipped cream was melting all over the place and since it was split in half, stuff was oozing out from all sides. In an attempt to save my crepe, I split the filling between the two halves and folded them up like I should have in the beginning. I ate it quickly while trying not to lose too many strawberries. Despite my kitchen failure, it by some miracle ended up tasting really good, it was just extremely messy.

This obviously isn't my crepe but it's what I wanted to make.

It looks so good! I want to make another! Sorry if this makes you hungry :P

Teenage Driver

I have recently gained the ability to drive on my own which is, of course, awesome but I noticed a negative quality about myself when I drive, I get overly confident. I think a lot of young people and people who just got their licenses tend to be a bit overconfident when driving which leads to carelessness. I personally didn't even realize that I was doing this and since noticing it I'm trying to improve myself so that I understand that I'm not a pro driver and I need to be even more careful than the other drivers out there. I take driving very seriously and I'm always paying attention to the road but even when I think I'm doing everything right sometimes I mess up. It's a learning experience and I think the first step to improving is realizing you are doing something wrong.

*side note* I really hate it when cars follow me really closely. I drive the speed limit and yet a lot of times people are tailgating me even on residential roads and it's really annoying. I don't understand why they can't give me more space. I like the space so that if I have to park or anything I don't have to worry about them rear ending me. I'm not saying I'm a perfect driver but there are a lot of bad drivers out there.

*This is purely a joke :P

I Don't Wanna Be Inside!!!!

I live in a place where it's rainy and cloudy 90% of the year. We usually get our best summer weather in August/September but this year we are getting that kind of weather in May which is both good and bad. Good because I adore warm weather because I get to wear all my cute clothes and do all the fun summer activities but bad because I'm still in school. I can tell you that there is nothing worse than being trapped inside for six hours looking outside at beautiful sunny weather.

Usually, when I get home I sit on my laptop and cuddle up in bed pretty much until the next day but lately, I'm feeling stir crazy and I need to move around. I've been going outside a lot lately, usually walking around or playing with my dog. Today it got to the point where I pulled out my bow and arrow and started doing some archery. This is a great thing for me because I really like being outside and doing fun things that don't involve technology. However, I'm still a lazy sloth who loves lying in bed so I'm constantly conflicted between wanting to go outside and being too lazy to move.

This is unrelated to the post but oh my gosh outside twister looks so fun!

Loving the Busy Weekend

This weekend was a long weekend and although I usually do nothing on my weekends this one has been really busy and I'm absolutely loving it. At the beginning of my weekend, I got my drivers license. I went to pick up my best friend and we went to the grocery store together to get some snacks and a movie. We went back to her place to watch it then I drove home.

The next day I was pretty lazy in the morning then I went to the store with my mom and then picked up my best friend for a sleepover at my place. We had a fun night, watched a movie, ate candy, talked, and all that good stuff. I woke up in the morning and made us some breakfast (bacon and chocolate chip Eggo waffles). We ate then debated what to do. We got dressed and walked to get ice cream. We saw a weird sign at my school advertising cotton candy but we couldn't find anyone selling cotton candy. We walked around for a bit before going to the gas station to get a Slurpee. We then went back to my place and chilled a bit in the sun because my room was boiling. After that, we took the bus downtown and had Japanese dinner together which was amazing. On the bus back to my place the bus was busy and we had seats opposite to each other and we were both sat next to hot guys so of course we were texting each other about it and giggling. I drove her back to her place later on and then had a quiet night to myself.

The next day I went through the drive through with my mom like we always seem to do. Then I did absolutely nothing except make myself a cool kimono type thing and then at 1 am deciding what clothes I want to through away. It's still the middle of the night/early morning, whatever you wanna call that time and I just watched some Japan vlogs on youtube. Now I really wanna go shopping and I'm hoping since I'm finally getting rid of the clothes I don't wear, that my mom will buy me some new stuff. Fingers crossed :)

Big Moment

For the past couple of weeks, I've been non-stop worried about my driving test. Today was the day of my driving test and I did everything I could to make sure I passed. I went to sleep at a sort of reasonable time (midnight) after going over my driving book. I spent the hour before my lesson sitting in a little park next to my school which had a river in it. I listened to the calming sounds of the wind, the little waterfall, and the birds chirping. I went to do my lesson and got most of my stupid mistakes out of the way while driving with my instructor. Then it was the big moment.

I had a pretty nice guy as my road test marker. I went through the test trying as hard as I could and trying to remain calm. When we parked for the results I was sweating like crazy. I watched as he ticked off all the yes boxes before stopping at the last one. I prayed and wished so hard, hoping he would check yes off that box....and he did! I passed! I was so scared and frightened but it did it on my first try! I'm so proud of myself and so happy that I managed to do it. I'm a bit scared to drive by myself but I'm sure I'll overcome that soon.

Stressy Stress Stress

As a person, I'm very prone to getting stressed out but I don't deal with it the same way most people do. When I'm stressed out I completely block out everything that is stressing me out and just waste time. Obviously, this does nothing to help my stress. For example, I have about a month left of classes and for the past couple of weeks I've been getting really stressed out but I've also done little to no studying or homework for the main reason of "I don't feel like it". Another example would be my stress about my driving test which is Thursday OMG! I've been practicing a lot lately and sometimes I feel totally prepared but other times the stress gets to me and I just feel like it's hopeless and I'm gonna fail. Lately, I've been complaining a lot because I'm so busy. I'm doing piano lessons, struggling to force myself to do school work, preparing for my driving test, and trying to fit a little socializing in there. For some people, this isn't a lot of stuff but for me, it's a lot. I actually remember back when I was younger if I had hung out with friends the previous day or two and a friend asked me to hang out again I would say no because too many play dates in a row stressed me out. So yeah, I'm not exaggerating my inability to deal with stress.

                     

Awesome Day

My day started off pretty weird because I kept waking up then falling back asleep over and over. I felt like I had been sleeping forever but it turns out I only slept in till noon. I spent a couple of hours being bored until I went to the store with my mom. I came back, continued to be bored until deciding to play some Octodad. I was so happy because I got past the tough part I was stuck on and managed to get pretty far until I got stuck again. I then took a nice relaxing warm shower with the music blasting. After that, I started looking at AMVs on youtube which are animated music videos people make about anime shows. I was watching one that included one of my favourite animes and I google searched it for some reason only to find out they were finally going to dub it! I love anime and although I will watch subs I prefer dubs. I watched the trailer and the voices were spot on. I looked up online stores which were going to sell it only to find out they are selling this super cool pack with all the dubbed episodes plus a new episode plus an artbook plus a poster! Needless to say, I'm going to waste some money pre-ordering that. I'm not one to usually buy anime since I can watch it online but with all that added stuff I feel like I can't resist it. It completely made my day and I'm so excited!

What is a Date?

I was talking with some friends in my creative writing class and the topic somehow turned to dating. I was the only one who had actually dated someone but as I was talking to them I admitted that I didn't even know if I'd ever been on a date. It got me thinking about what makes a date. Thinking back I've probably had at least two real dates which would be my first date and one time I went to the movies but other than that I don't know if the other things would be dates since I always considered them to be hanging out. If you are at someone's house and you watch a movie with them is that a date? Or if you go for a walk together is that a date? I've always thought of dates as an event like going to a movie or going to dinner or something along those lines but now I'm sort of curious about what a real life date is. Is it just generally hanging out with someone you are dating or will date in the future? If so does that mean dates even have to be romantic at all? Could playing board games be a date? I'm thoroughly confused. I mean if it's just spending time with a romantic interest then that makes sense but it's a bit disappointing to know playing a board game and going to a fancy dinner could both be put in the same category of a date. I always though dates were special and romantic and magical. I guess that's another lie movies told me when I was younger. I base way too much of my romantic knowledge on movies....

That Little Voice

Throughout my life, I can remember so many instances where I was passionate about something but pretended I wasn't because there was this little voice in my head telling me that it wasn't good to be so happy about something. I've let people dictate how I act about the things I love because I don't want to look like a loser.

My main life goal in this past few years have been to embrace myself and stop listening to that little voice in my head. But it seems no matter how hard I try or how happy I am in life, there's always this negative voice in the back of my head. For example, there is a class I'm not doing well in this year which is something weird for me and I want to do better but that voice is always telling me that I can't do any better and that I should just stop trying. I could have dropped that class at the beginning of the year but I've tried to push past the voice that telling me I can't. The way it's going now, I will most likely pass that course.

However, when it comes to social things I'm still unable to push past that voice. I'm always worrying that people don't notice me or don't like having me around or that they think I'm really weird. It's even worse when it comes to guys I like because even if I get to the point where I'm able to talk to them that voice in my head is always telling me, "there's no way he'd like you" or, "he's just being nice, he doesn't actually like you." It sucks because even when I really really like someone and I build myself up thinking that I totally have a chance with them, that voice will just barge in and be like "haha yeah right you're just kidding yourself he'd never go for you."

I hate that voice so much. It makes me feel awful about myself. I feel like it's a very normal thing to have but it's like this voice is holding back all my favourite parts about myself and causing me to only show my bad, awkward parts. This, of course, doesn't help with me thinking people don't like me because I'm hiding the parts of me that would actually attract people I would get along with. But as much as I'm unhappy with that part of me, I'm still a lot happier with myself and my life than I have been in past years.

Fantasies

I have this problem getting caught up in the fantasies I make up in my head. I just watched a really awesome coming of age movie about a boy spending the summer in a beach town. This led me to think of the summer which somehow led to camping. Then I was absorbed into this fantasy of me, my best friend, this guy I know, and a few other anonymous faces going to a campground together. It became so real as I imagined the night of us all sleeping in a tent, me beside the guy I know and having him roll over in the middle of the night to cuddle me. I was then broken back into reality but even then I was so happy just at the thought of that happening. I get way too caught up thinking about things like that and getting really happy and excited about them only to realize they probably won't ever happen. The guy in this particular fantasy tends to show up in some of my favorites, as does my best friend, probably because they are the people I have the most fun with. The problem with my fantasies is I know they aren't real but they are realistic enough to seem real and for a second I forget that they aren't actually happening. I know getting myself excited for things that won't happen will only make me disappointed but they make me so happy I don't like depriving myself of that. Fantasies are just like dreams and no one ever tells you to stop dreaming so I'm not going to stop fantasizing.

Fear Of Having A One True Love

I grew up with the belief of having a soul mate, "the one". Where I got this idea? Probably movies and TV shows. In my real life I never really saw it. I was dead set on this idea of having one true love, believing every crush I had was the love of my life.

It wasn't until I finally experienced a real relationship that my viewpoint drastically changed. Suddenly having one person for the rest of my life became my greatest fear. The thought that I would never experience being with another person scared me more than I ever thought it would. It was even scarier when I realized the person I was with was familiar with the idea I had in my head for so long. I'm almost positive he was thinking the same thing I was but I don't think he feared it as much as I did.

After that relationship, I completely gave up on "the one" believing that it was impossible and that eventually everyone settles for good enough. It wasn't the person that made me change my mind but just being in a committed relationship. I couldn't handle feeling so trapped. Being single for a while has given me time to think about my fear and realize that it isn't as scary as I thought it was.

I have been with my mom and brother my entire life and never once has that fact scared me, I'm scared more of a day I will be without them. The same goes for my best friend whom I've known for eight years and have been best friends with for five years. Despite ups and downs with my best friend, I would never wish for a different best friend or more best friends. One person I can really connect with and be myself around is all I need. I think that's how it should be with my romantic relationships as well. Mindless dating is worth nothing compared to finding someone you truly love.

Back when I became scared of true love, I was overvaluing the horrid dating world composed of mostly of assholes and undervaluing the comfort and warmth that comes with love. Love was a thing to be feared, a forbidden word. But in reality, it doesn't need to be that serious. Obviously, you shouldn't say it to someone you've been with for a week but you never know, sometimes you connect so much with a person right away that it feels like you've been together forever. Sometimes love comes and goes and that's okay. But what I really want now is love, real love that lasts. And if I find that with the next person I'm with and I only date 2 people in my whole life, I'll be completely happy with it. Even if it takes me 20 relationships to find that, I'll be fine as long as I find it one day. Because in the end finding someone you love and can be 100% yourself around is worth more than anything else in the world.

Dances

I just got back from a dance at my best friend's school and I have realized a couple of things:

1. I'm incredibly awkward.
2. There is only so much I can take of guys trying to touch my butt and other places I don't want to be touched.
3. Even in shorts and a tee shirt, you will still overheat at a dance.

The point of this post isn't me bragging that I actually went out for once, it has to do with how I feel now that I'm home and it's all over. I have no regrets about what happened at the dance nor do I have any regrets about any past dances. However, now that I'm out of that atmosphere, I'm realizing I should learn to stand up for myself more. At the dance, a guy literally slapped my ass and I was not okay with it but I didn't do anything about it. I guess I let guys get away with too much just because I like the attention they give me. Even though I say that I still have my values and I don't give guys permission to do things that I didn't think was okay at the time. Now that I'm thinking back, yes there were a few things I should have been a bit tougher about but you know what? I'm okay with that. I completely accept it. However, after everything I said, the main thing I realized is that I'm not a party girl. I wasn't really sure before but at the end of the night, I just got so tired of it all. I'm home now and I have no desire to go to a dance or party anytime soon. I love dancing and everything but I just couldn't deal with that stuff on a regular basis.