Being a Young Child of Divorce

I was seven years old when my parents divorced and I never thought much of it. Although I knew friends who had divorced parents like me as a kid most of my friends had parents that were together. As I grew up this changed and now most of my friends have parents that are divorced. Divorce is a really normal thing in society and because of this I never thought my parents' divorce had any effect on me. I read an article that sparked a lot of thoughts that made me realize that it probably did affect me.

Even if I try my hardest I can't remember any memory of my parents together. I have memories of my young childhood and of a time when they were together but I never remember them being happy or loving to each other. All I remember of them when they were married, was them fighting when they thought my brother and I had fallen asleep. I completely understand why my parents divorced and I know it's for the best. It's not that I ever wanted my parents to get back together but just that it would have been nice to grow up with parents who love each other. The article explained that multiple things can happen to kids of divorced parents as they grow up, the one that relates to me is distancing yourself from people. I always assumed it was just my personality to not want to get close to anyone but maybe it's because I'm afraid they will leave just like my parents. I have a mentality of it's better not to get close to someone than to get hurt because I have a history of being hurt by the people close to me, not just family but also friends.

The most interesting point is something I've thought about previously when I was in a relationship. I come from a divorced family, I have commitment issues, I'm not sure I believe in love and I leave when things get too real. He was the exact opposite; his parents were together, he had no trouble thinking about the future, he fully believed in love and wanted to stick around. I've always had this idea in my head that even if a relationship starts out great, over time things will get worse and you'll grow to hate each other. I came to the conclusion that instead of waiting around for that to happen I would just stop the relationship when it seemed like it was time to save myself from the heartbreak. While this was all going on, I was very confused and troubled because I couldn't understand why I was so scared when he seemed completely sure of us.
A quote I really like from the article that relates to this is, "Perhaps someone will try to love you and you won't know why you won't let them, why you're looking for reasons to leave. Until it hits you like a bolt of lightning straight into your brain that why you're looking for reasons to leave is because all you've ever known is leaving."
I really wish I would have found the article back then because maybe I would have been able to understand what was going on with me and maybe I wouldn't have ended it with a guy I still really liked just because I was scared.

In the end, I'm very happy my parents divorced so they could live their own lives. I'm sure I would be quite messed up growing up with parents that don't love each other so I think things turned out the best they could. Although even saying that, I still ended up being affected by the divorce. I think it taught me that I shouldn't trust or depend on people because they'll just leave anyway. There were things that happened in my life that proved my ideas to be true, so I can't blame it all on the divorce. I think reading the article has really helped me because I've never been able to talk about the divorce or my commitment issues to someone who understands and reading it felt like reading my own thoughts. It's like that moment when you finally find someone who understands you but instead of it being a person, it's an article.

I Guess I'm 18 Now

It's my birthday today which makes me eighteen which mean I'm sort of an adult. Honestly, I don't really care about my birthday. Turning eighteen is quite boring because you don't really get to do anything new besides voting. The nice thing about my birthday is the fact that there is a school dance tonight so I get to go out and have fun with my friends instead of sitting at home and eating candy. Overall I can't complain about today, it's been nice. Best of all my best friend stopped the annoying thing she used to do where she would wait until the very last second to tell me happy birthday which would make me quite sad because I always worried that she forgot.

I was excited coming home from school today because I got to open the presents my family got me. My mom got me a lot of nice, practical things plus a really nice perfume I've been wanting. However, I don't think anything will beat what my brother got me. I'm in love with this game series called Ape Escape but it's been impossible to find the second game (there are three I have the other two) and without my knowledge, he found it and got it for me. I wasn't expecting it at all and I was overjoyed when I opened it. I also got 100% on my math test today so it's been a good day :)